[Pam_and_Abigail]

For background, before we had kids we had a very active, healthy sex life. Now, we cosleep with our 2 year old, and our second child is on the way. Dh was 25 when we got together, he's 30 now, and my sister suggested he's past his 'peak'...

We just went through a tough move, and things with our relationship were strained? Well they got better this past month, but lately I feel like he's not attracted to me physically anymore. I mean, I don't exactly match the ideal of 'sexy' when I look like I swallowed a beach ball, I'm 34 weeks pregnant. Last night, dd went to sleep at 8 (she usuallly goes to bed when we do, so this was a rare chance for 'couple' time), and I thought we'd have a nice evening. We put up the tree, then we showered together, and I thought that I made enough 'attempts' to get my point across (caressing and kissing him, etc), but when we got out, he decided he wanted to pick locks (his hobby - recreational lock picking). Meanwhile, I had pulled out some lingerie, and had it on under my housecoat, and I'd gotten the dice from our honeymoon (you roll for 'favours', basically), but he'd already gotten into his hobby when I mentioned that I had them. It took a lot of courage to even get into the lingerie, and I guess I'm feeling kinda hurt. Maybe I'm just over-emotional from pregnancy. His point last night was that he rarely has time for hobbies and stuff, his spare time is usually housework stuff and dd. It used to be that he'd never pass up an opportunity like this, but I guess things are changing.
I don't know if/how I should bring thia up, I just really needed to get it out.

Thanks for listening.

 

[calpurnia]

I think you should bring it up, especially if you've been strained recently - extra distance and/or hurt isn't going to help you. Don't make it combative, though. "I felt hurt the other night because...I wondered what your take on it is...." rather than "you unappreciative lock-picking b-stard!" I imagine he feels overwhelmed (not quite the right word but can't get the right one in my head at this moment) by the move and strains recently just as you do and needs that kind of alone time, as he himself says.

I'm not great with advice but I just wanted to reply to your post.

 

[Breathless Wonder]

 

[China white]

First off,

s.

Secondly, "you unappreciative, lock-picking bastard!".......

:

:

........sorry, that's just too funny........

I too, think you should bring this topic up in a gentle manner ~ you may be surprised at his response. There are so many issues that could cause this lack of enthusiasm, so to speak, and there's a high chance that it has nothing to do with your attractiveness. The stress of moving is *huge*, not to mention the additional financial responsibility that comes with more children. Women think about breastfeeding, cloth-diapering, etc ~ basically the here & now. Men, on the other hand, think college education fund........Stress can impact a mans libido greatly.

What about the possibility that he's afraid of 'hurting' the baby? Even in my third pregnancy, my huband held onto this belief, when I'd told him numerous times before that normal love-making during pregnancy is completely safe. This was so difficult for me, because my drive was through the roof, plus the fact that I needed the affirmation that I was still attractive...........

Then there's also the chance that his testosterone levels are lower than normal, which can tested by a simple blood pull at his dr. Mens hormone levels change much the way womens does, and while it is usually later in life, everyone level of 'normal' is individual. It may be something worth looking into ~ but I will say there are a host of other symptoms that go along with this diagnosis, so you may want to look in up on the net and see if he has any other implications. It turned out that my husbands levels were on the low end.

I'm sorry last night didn't go the way you were hoping it would. I hope that your husband is open to talking about this and that you are back to 'normal' soon. Please don't think this is about how attractive you are ~ in my opinion, there's *nothing* more beautiful than a pregnant woman.

China

 

[magnoliablue]

I know you had to feel bad. I have been there, recently actually.

DP has started a new job and he is working his butt off, he is home long enough to sleep, shower and be off again. It doesn't leave much couple time, save for the weekends when he is off.

I made a couple advances and he went to sleep, which made me feel insecure, even though I know he loves me.

I just was honest with him yesterday. I told him I feel like he doesn't want me, and I miss having more *time* together.

He held me and reassured me that it is definitely not me, he is just exhausted and concentrating on this job and getting us ahead..his mind is a million different places, and when he makes love to me, he wants his mind centered only on ME, not all those other things.

He confirmed this by other reassurance

It was really embarassing and hard for me to be honest about me needing him more sexually. I think we are raised sometimes to not be forthcoming about those things, but I came a long way yesterday by admitting I had needs.

I would have never done that before, I was shocked I got the nerve up.. :LOL

Honesty.. the very best thing you can do right now..I know you'll find it is not as bad as you think.

Hang in there.

 

[Pam_and_Abigail]

Well, things did get better, and really was just him wanting to spend some time with his hobby, nothing to do with me. Thanks everyone for the support and advice!