[lilysmama1124]

I have PPD and I am taking Zoloft. I am doing much better at this point (dd is 6 mo and i started aroun 8wks) I was having obsessive thought about bad things happening to my dd ,including things I might do to harm her, not sleeping, feeling very angry etc. Those things have subsided however I still feel like I am not doing things the way I want. The t.v. is on all day most days(dd doesn't watch it) and I feel like I am not really enjoying dd or enriching her as much as I want to because I am just surviving. I do wear her alot, we play alot, I avoid using confining equiptment (bouncer,swing) for long periods of time so it isn't as though I am just sitting her in an exersaucer and zoning out all day. I guess I just had a different image of myself as a mother-being focused on dd all day, never having the t.v. on, learning about develomental games and playing them. Am I just expecting too much, are these feelings normal, or are they mild PPD? I am considering increasing my Zoloft but I don't know if I am just trying to medicate myself into some unrealistically happy and energetic mom or if I really need to be on more. I posted this here because I would really like to hear from both moms with and without PPD.

I am also feeling a bit disconnected from my dh and dd. DD is a daddy's girl she is just obsessed with him and sometimes I feel like if I were not the one with the milk she could really take me or leave me. I know this is probably because she sees me quite a bit more than dh and when he gets home he is not burntout so he is more patient and playful. He also doesn't have to have all of the cares of a primary caregiver(ie. is she bathed, hungary, healthy,happy....).Dh is just soooo laid back and I am a bit of a stress ball which is actually why we work so well together. If it weren't for me he would never get anything done or make any plans...if it weren't for him I would be freaking out ALL THE TIME. I am just afraid that this means I will never be the "fun one" which I guess is okay but just feeds into my feelings of self doubt as a mother.

 

[*guest]

First, have you discussed these feelings with whoever is prescribing the Zoloft or your therapist? If you don't have a therapist for regular talk sessions, I'd encourage you to find one if it's at all feasible. I have brought my daughter to sessions when I can't get babysitting, and it works out fine. I think talk therapy is a really important component to treatment for PPD, even more than meds, although meds get you over a rough spot.

Second, what kind of outside contact do you get on a regular basis? Sitting around the house all day would make for some pretty boring stuff. I think babies learn best by interacting and observing with parents who are doing things that normal adults do, not necessarily sitting around and playing games or doing things specifically designed to be stimulating. Are you able to walk or drive to an area with shops, cafes? Even just walking down to get a cup of tea once a day can make a world of difference in mood.

Do you have friends near you? Mother's groups? you mentioned nursing and babywearing, so good places to start are La Leche League meetings and NINO meetings. The day goes by faster when you have set things to do, people to see.

I also noticed an improvement in my mood once I started working again (I do freelance work from home in the field I worked in before having a baby), and we hired a mother's helper.

I'm going to take a wild stab that the feelings of guilt and your daughter not liking you as much will alleviate as the PPD alleviates. It sounds like you are out of a crisis mode, but still dealing with some form of it. I felt like things got incrementally better with each week, each month. And it's also OK to admit that a lot of the day-to-day stuff involved in keeping a child alive the first year is repetitive, even dull and frustrating. It's not all warm fuzzies all the time. The book "Misconceptions" by Naomi Wolf really expressed a lot of what I was feeling about that.

The toddler stage is a lot more fun than the baby stage for me. When people say "it gets better," it's true!

 

[Diprincess]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lilysmama1124 The t.v. is on all day most days(dd doesn't watch it) and I feel like I am not really enjoying dd or enriching her as much as I want to because I am just surviving. I do wear her alot, we play alot, I avoid using confining equiptment (bouncer,swing) for long periods of time so it isn't as though I am just sitting her in an exersaucer and zoning out all day. I guess I just had a different image of myself as a mother-being focused on dd all day, never having the t.v. on, learning about develomental games and playing them. Am I just expecting too much, are these feelings normal, or are they mild PPD?

I think you might be expecting too much of yourself. I felt the same way with my first one. It gets better as they get older and develop more. My 9 month old is just now starting to crawl all over the place and actually try and play with his older brother. You can see the knowledge actually sticking when he learns something. I think it's very hard to be a SAHM and have no outlet. I have two boys; one is almost 4 and the other is 9 months. We are a one car family, and the closest park is about 5 miles away. There are really no places for me and my boys to go during the day so we all get pretty stir crazy. I think it's important to remember that although you do have a baby now, you are still you. Try and take time each day to do something for yourself (a bath, a walk, alone time when your hubby gets home to read a chapter in your book). I think anything that gets you some of your sanity back and just remember that you are not in any way alone in the feelings you are having. It's impossible to be "on" 100% of the time. I don't know if my rambling is making any sense to you at all or is any comfort to you, but I do know how you are feeling and it is completely normal (I hope

)

 

[pinksprklybarefoot]

Awwww, mama. You sound like you are doing a great job! You are not a bad mother just because you are not focused on your child 100% of the time. Anyone trying to do that would go stir-crazy. I think that you are expecting a little too much of yourself.

Coming from someone who has taken (and is taking) antidepressants, you may not be on the right one. It often takes people trying a few different meds before they find one that works. I also second the talk therapy suggestion. Meds and talk therapy work on different parts of the brain, so the combo is much more effective than just one or the other.

You and your dh sound like my df and I. I am always worried about things, he really isn't. He also gets to come home and just play with ds a little. I felt a little resentful of this at first.

Your feelings of doubt and worry are normal. I think most mothers who are trying really hard to be good mothers always think that they should be doing a little more. I think you sound like you are a wonderful, caring parent.