Mothering Forum banner

1 - 10 of 10 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,542 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I want to make this as short as possible because I'm really looking for support from someone who has been where I am now.<br><br>
DS is six. He had a significant speech delay and didn't speak at all until he was three. At the same time he had quite a few sensory issues and was seeing an OT. Before last year he was in a state funded pre K for special needs children where he continued to receive speech therapy and made tremendous progress in that area. OT was discontinued because his OT issues are not considered "academic related". We seemed to grow out of a lot of the sensory stuff as well, such as textures, loud noises, and things of that nature.<br><br>
Here we are and DS is in his first year of kindergarten at Waldorf thanks to a paid scholarship for his "special needs". We no longer have speech issues for the most part but behavioral problems have been stressful for a couple of years. He doesn't transition well from activities such as going from being outside to inside....or if something is different or out of place. He has violent tantrums where he kicks, hits, screams, and shouts threats. Sometimes they are very dangerous and hard to control. He is completely oblivious to the consequences of his actions and how dangerous they are. He can be a happy, innocent child and within a second something will set him off to where he flips out and is on a rampage. Something is not right and it hasn't been for quite some time. We are desperate for answers and are finally seeing a doctor who specializes in autistic spectrum disorders to see if we can get a diagnosis. Other than that, he appears to be a very normal child for his age and his cognitive skills are above average. However, he doesn't deal well with change or disappointment compared to his peers and is extremely emotionally sensitive.<br><br>
The whole point of my post though is that I experience a tremendous amount of guilt every day. My family on both sides and friends not involved always insist that this must be a disciplinary issue. I have tried everything. I have used time outs, spanking, screaming in his face, restraining him, grounding him, anything I could possibly speak of...and yet we still struggle with the outbursts. I am so sick and tired of feeling like this is somehow my fault, that my parenting is a failure. It really is a blow to my self esteem and makes me self conscious about what others are thinking when my kid freaks out on the play yard and everyone is looking at me.<br><br>
Here is the thing though. I know darn well that most of the parents at our school are using gentle discipline and not spanking so if the problem is simply that I'm not spanking my child, why aren't their kids unruly like mine?? You see, this sort of blows their logic out of the water and yet they keep on suggesting that I am not parenting properly. I'm just sick of it and I feel so isolated because none of those giving advice understand what I am going through and how hard it is to handle this burden. Then I am torn between do I discipline him for something that he can't seem to control anyway or am I not doing enough?<br><br>
I'm just looking for some understanding here and how you have handled unsolicited advice. I want to keep my family informed but I feel like I should stop telling them what is going on at home.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
42,824 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I have taught more than a couple children like your sweet son. It has NOTHING to do with your parenting. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> It has to do with the way he is wired.<br><br>
Please don't blame yourself.<br><br>
-Angela
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,552 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
12,445 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
It is not your parenting. One major indication that your son has special needs is that the things that "work" for typical kids <i>often do not work</i> for kids with special needs. I discovered that when our second was born. My ds' special needs issues (sensory) are very mild, and I didn't recognize the connection between my "ineffectual" parenting and his special needs until our NT daughter was born. Oh, that's why he can't be soothed! Oh, that's why he can't put his own clothes on even though he's 4. Oh, that's why we he won't say please/thank you/sorry...<br><br>
Repeat to yourself: I'm doing the best I can. They do not know my son. I am doing the best I can.<br><br>
Remember, they might be thinking positive things too. I remember watching a mom with a son in a store, and he was startled by one of those evil dancing "decorations" that they have (I think it was signing a Christmas song). He went from zero to 60 in about half a second, throwing himself on the floor, swearing like a sailor, etc. etc. My first thought was "Wow, his mom is really remaining calm, she's really good with him."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,794 Posts
Like someone else said--it's not your parenting, it's how he's wired.<br><br>
My son is on the spectrum, and we also struggle with the violent outbursts, angry mood swings, and even self-injury behavior. I think in a way we might have it a little "easier" when it comes to societal judgement of his behaviors, though--ds1 is very cognitively delayed, and so people are more apt to blame his condition and disabilities than they are to blame my discipline.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I know your frustration in a lot of ways. We couldn't figure out what to do, how to help him, or how to help our family. Living with him became really unpleasant and stressful for a while.<br><br>
What's helped for us (so, so, so, so SO much) is medication. We put him on an uber-small dose of Risperdal (the smallest dose is usually .25mg, and he's on .15). It's totally helped him get control of himself, without taking anything away from what he is (if that makes sense). He used to be so out of control you could tell he was afraid of <i>himself</i>. Now those horrible episodes are very few and far between (they used to happen at least once or twice a day...usually more).<br><br>
He's not a zombie, he's not one-dimensional, and he's not bland. He's himself...with all the swings of emotion (good and bad) you'd expect to see in a kid. The difference is that it doesn't go to the really negative extremes anymore. He'll still get angry, scream at us now and then, cry...even sometimes pull at his face (he used to dig and scratch). I suppose we could up the meds, but we're happy with this small dose. It just takes the edge off.<br><br>
Other than mood help, it's really seemed to help him. He's getting along with the kids at school, focusing on projects, and even (<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">) starting to say a few words here and there (he's essentially non-verbal). He's such a happier kid, I can't even describe it.<br><br>
We hear you. Go ahead and vent, but never blame yourself. Meds aren't for every parent or every child, and I'm sure there will be other parents who can give you strategies for helping him that aren't med-related. I hope you find something that works for him and for your family! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,542 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
RedOakMomma, you are so right about it being difficult to have a child who seems otherwise normal and isn't cognitively behind. I really didn't want to say that and seem insensitive to the bigger challenges other moms here have with more life altering special needs situations. However, I do feel that way sometimes...that because his issues aren't severe enough that it is easy to blame me for doing something wrong. At least it feels that way.<br><br>
I'm glad to hear your son is thriving on low dose meds. I won't completely rule out that option if it is necessary. We are just waiting on some sort of diagnosis so we can choose a path of therapy to start with. In the meantime I've just read some books and done some online research on explosive behavior.<br><br>
Lynn, I hope you are right that the onlookers are more sympathetic than anything else. You just know how awfully embarrassing it is in that situation.<br><br>
Alegna, I'm glad to hear that you are familiar with my son's temperament and that you don't blame the parents. I always wonder if our teacher thinks we are abusive at home or have some deep dark secret making him act out the way he does. It is probably just my paranoia since she hasn't been anything but supportive but it is always in the back of my mind.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
42,824 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>pixiewytch</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10805822"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Alegna, I'm glad to hear that you are familiar with my son's temperament and that you don't blame the parents. I always wonder if our teacher thinks we are abusive at home or have some deep dark secret making him act out the way he does. It is probably just my paranoia since she hasn't been anything but supportive but it is always in the back of my mind.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I have heard teachers blame parents- usually the first time they encounter a child of a given type. But having seen a number from VERY diverse parenting backgrounds, it quickly becomes clear that it has very little to do with parenting, and everything to do with an individual child and how their brain works.<br><br>
Having an understanding mom who really thinks about the issues and works to find solutions is a HUGE advantage on his side <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"> Give yourself a pat on the back.<br><br>
-Angela
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,378 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>pixiewytch</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10804571"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I experience a tremendous amount of guilt every day.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
It's not your fault.<br><br>
My first three were easy going (my firstborn has Asperger's). I used to think why can't those parent's control their child? My fourth taught me those children's parent's perspective.<br><br>
Sincerely,<br>
Debra, homeschooling mom of 4 ages 11, 10, 8, and 4 3/4
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,794 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>pixiewytch</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10805822"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I always wonder if our teacher thinks we are abusive at home or have some deep dark secret making him act out the way he does. It is probably just my paranoia since she hasn't been anything but supportive but it is always in the back of my mind.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
It's a fear we have, too. Especially when ds1 was going through his violent stage of hitting and getting up in people's faces. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> He looked so menacing and threatening...I often wondered what people must think he experienced at home.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,794 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>pixiewytch</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10805822"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">However, I do feel that way sometimes...that because his issues aren't severe enough that it is easy to blame me for doing something wrong. At least it feels that way.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I don't think there's any reason to feel bad about thinking those things. Every disability has it's disadvantages and (oddly) it's advantages. You're lucky enough to have a SN child who has normal cognitive abilities, but that shouldn't mean you can't mourn/complain/vent about the disadvantages. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 
1 - 10 of 10 Posts
Top