[mama40]

I can see as well as anyone else that stbx is struggling these days, but man, I am just so not willing to hear, anymore, the endless cycle of "I have nothing/people treat me badly/here's my fantasy plan for fixing all that." He's been doing it a lot lately -- falling apart because he has no job, friends, home (the stress of apt hunting is too much for him lately; he's got a room in an apt building), small child to wake him in the morning (not actually true; he's over every Friday night and decided on his own to cut out Tuesday nights), and he just looks so bereft when he says these things. And this week, hearing him go on, it just sounds ill to me. He's been talking this way for years, except that when he was working, there was also "My bosses are horrible to me/my parents suck."

I told him tonight that I didn't want to be part of all that anymore, and that I didn't know why he was telling me these things if he wasn't looking for help or sympathy. I've done what I can to help him, and clearly I was in way over my head. I told him I don't know why these things don't change for him, and that I still probably don't understand the depression/anxiety stuff well, but that I can't be the person he takes these things to anymore. To his credit, he said he did thing this problem went far beyond me & him.

I also told him I was starting to feel queasy about his MSW/PhD talk (gah, tonight he was talking about doing "psychological first aid", in traumatized places, I guess), because it seems more & more like the fantasy talk he indulged in so often before, and which I used to buy. I told him I still don't see how this all works out. Which hit a sore spot, and he left. My stomach's glad I spoke up, though.

 

[Jster]

I know where you are, having been there...glad that you asserted your boundary, it will pay off in peace of mind! Now it actually is strange, my ex seems so much more together and responsible now than when we were together...I think because my being "understanding" and indulging his fantasies made him complacent. Still, it's strange seeing someone grow up years after you kept hoping they would. Hopefully your stbx will find solid ground some day as well.

 

[MsChatsAlot]

It's tricky to change the boundaries of your relationship when you still have to see and communicate with one another, but it sounds like it's time to tell him that you will only discuss child related issues with him.

I know the lines between us were fuzzy for awhile and it was hard. Once we made the separation, it became much easier and eventually, we could come back to talking about a few things without it being so weird or taxing on each other.

If he needs someone to complain to, he'll find someone else.

 

[mama40]

Yep. I realized last night that as long as we're attached, he's going to find some way to blame me for his misfortunes, and decide periodically that he needs to just get me completely out of his life. Unfortunately, since we're going to be connected through the kid, it's not really possible. So he's likely to go flail in the courts. I cannot tell you how glad I am that people who are...not quite together...really sound it when they start playing psych-expert with judges and lawyers.

I'm afraid of what his reactions will be when realities hit; I'm afraid of what kind of lunacy he's going to visit on me and the kid over the next decade or so. But I have to just slough these fears off and deal like a Republican, I think. Yeah, if his fantasy-grad-school thing actually happens and he voluntarily kills off most of his income, he's going to get a nasty shock in court when it comes to support, and blame me even more for squashing him. But the support is something for me to discuss with my lawyer, and let her deal with, and as for the rest...well, it's always going to be something, and that's what caller ID, locks, big dogs, men friends, 911, more lawyers, and play therapists are for.

Boy oh boy, though, I can't tell you how glad I am I went to consult one of the most establishment lawyers around here when it came to managing finances and moving property into my name for safety after I found out about stbx's shopping binges, and about using some of stbx's retirement savings for living expenses. Stbx was quite willing to sign and wanted to do whatever he could to keep dd living in a house, instead of an apt. -- he seemed to understand what was going on, but I was very concerned that, because stbx was in such rocky shape, that could come back to haunt me. I didn't want it to look like I was taking advantage of him.

These days, I can see him popping up in court and saying that I took all his money and wouldn't give him nothin'. He's got this weird pattern of self-denial, where he insists he doesn't want things (a real bed, office space in the house, a decent apartment, more walking-around/grocery money, etc.) and then later, when he's good & upset, tries to blame me for the condition he lives in.

God, though, it's good to write these things down. The lawyer asked if stbx was legally incompetent to handle his affairs, and no, of course he wasn't. So no problem. His choice to hand things over, as far as the courts are concerned. And of course that's true, but living inside the situation, your vision can really get warped. And it really is warped.

argh...now I see some of why his parents are so anti-me too...they've been giving him money, and I suppose he's told them I won't let him have any more. (It's in a joint account, for God's sake. He can walk in and take it.) A year ago when he went to the ER feeling suicidal, he called his parents after his 3 am discharge to come pick him up. Told them I wouldn't let him come home and the hospital had no beds available; neither was true. I'd made sure he had his keys, and the docs just decided he didn't need to be admitted immediately, because he had no actual suicide plan. But his folks bought all of it. I'm glad there's documentation about all that, too.

OK, and I have really got to get to work.