[hipumpkins]

OMG!! What an Easter I had. The history is that my FIL has stopped talking to me essentially about 3 years ago when he found out that we were "thinking about" homeschooling.
Essentially he would only talk to me if I talked to him. I always just played what others might call "the bigger person" by going in and saying hello and "happy (whatever holiday it might be) "
Today was different...I went in and FIL basically turned his back on me. He walked away. For whatever reasons..maybe hormones, maybe sleep deprivation, maybe the straw that broke the camel's back but I just felt my eyes well up with tears.
I walked outside and just started sobbing. I couldn't take it anymore, I know in my heart he has no right to treat me this way. I have at this point just so had it with his judgment.
So my husband came out and I told him about his father and how wrong it is and that I just can't handle it.
So DH went in and told his father that he was being rude and that he upset me.
MIL comes out and talks nicely to me telling me to ignore him that he is an old man just a big jerk. (Nice to get some support from MIL)
So I start walking inside with MIL and FIL is on the porch and says, "that's a good way to catch a cold"
As MIL walks in FIL closes the door so I can't go in. I thought he was going to say a fake apology and that would be that,
Instead he said, "You know I have no regard or friendliness towards you"
I said, "STOP..stop right there don't go on"

I just wanted to move on but instead he went to..
"I think you are a very confused girl..."
"I don't approve of the way you raise my grandkids..."
Then he went to attack me...reminding me of how I was not good enough for his family or his son.
Luckily my DH was standing up for me.
There was lots of back and forth but it was essentially he got to say horrible things to me and that was that if I did n;t want to make waves today.

It was hard decision as to whether to pack up my kids (Something would really upset them)
Or to just go back in and ignore him.

what would the bigger person do?

 

[Lisa1970]

The bigger person would realize that her children are watching. The bigger person does not want her children watch her being abused by someone and keep taking it. The bigger person does not want her children to grow up and end up in an abusive relationship because they saw mom take it all the time. The bigger person wants her children to know that this treatment is unacceptable and she will protect herself and she not only has the right to stand up for herself and her children, but the responsibility to teach her children self preservation.

What do you want to teach your children to do in a similar situation? Let's say, abusive boyfriend in high school? To stay and try to fix the person? To ignore it and go on pretending all is fine?

His behavior was wrong and abusive and children learn to abuse and be abused by the modeling from their parents.

 

[Lisa1970]

BTW..you have an obligation to not expose your children to that man anymore. He stands to do way too much emotional damage. This kind of stuff is for the adults, not for children to have to manage and handle and reconcile. When he can be appropriate to you and your children, maybe. But unless he shows he is sorry and can behave, truely sorry, or at least truely understands he cannot do this, then you should not expose your children to him anymore. They are children. Protect the gift, preserve the childhood.

 

[hipumpkins]

Thank you..the kids were not ear shot just so that is clear. we were outside they were inside.

 

[SmoothieMom]

Good lord, what a terrible little man. All this hatred towards you because you are thinking about home schooling? Ugh!

 

[hipumpkins]

Actually we are officially homeschooling now and it seems he never thought I was good enough for any them (I guess I'm from the wrong side of the tracks b/c I didn't grow up with money)

 

[demottm]

I would leave. That is emotional abuse. He is trying to manipulate you into raising YOUR children the way he wants. I'm so sorry that your FIL is trying to be so controlling. I would send a stongly worded email or letter letting them know that you will raise your children how you see fit. FYI the MIL is not giving you support, she is enabling her husbands abuse of you. If everyone stood up to him and let him know that how he acts is unacceptable he would have no reason not to change or not wonder why you and your family choose not to be abused. Good luck.

 

[Lisa1970]

Quote:

Originally Posted by hipumpkins Thank you..the kids were not ear shot just so that is clear. we were outside they were inside.

They have seen things. They will hear it eventually. They know how he treats you.

((((hugs)))) I have btdt with a nasty inlaw. The only thing you can do is protect yourself and your children. Sometimes, that means walking away. This is definitely a case for it.

 

[Lisa1970]

My grandmother always said don't let a man see you cry, it gives them power. I think this really applies to any bad person. They get joy out of seeing you cry..it gives them the power.

(((hugs))) again.

 

[SmoothieMom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by hipumpkins Actually we are officially homeschooling now and it seems he never thought I was good enough for any them (I guess I'm from the wrong side of the tracks b/c I didn't grow up with money)

Even worse, he is a terribly small person. Is there anyway you could limit your exposure to him?

 

[hipumpkins]

I wanted to leave so badly but I didn't. I kept hearing just ignore and be the bigger person.
I told my husband that I didn't feel like the bigger person..The bigger person doesn't just let people walk all over you.
The bigger person is not a doormat..which I really was not. I laid into him good and he tried to change the subject when I made too much sense.
I at no point was trying to convince him about homeschooling just letting him know that he was being mean and I did stand up verbally for myself.
I just feel like staying was a mistake...but MIL went to a lot of work to make a nice Easter and the kids would not accepted just up and leaving. Not without a fit here and there.

 

[hipumpkins]

Quote:

Originally Posted by SmoothieMom Even worse, he is a terribly small person. Is there anyway you could limit your exposure to him?

My exposure is very limited. I only go there on select holidays. My kids unfortunately go every Thursday when I work at night DH brings them.
MIL is not the greatest but she has made big strides in just letting me parent (something she had lots of trouble with)

 

[mamazee]

You have the right to just get up and walk out and leave any time he starts or is any bit rude to you. Your MIL seems fine - she can come visit you to see the kids or something. I'd just stop seeing him. He is toxic.

Edited to add that I know it's hard to just leave on Easter, but in my experience, you do something that big once, and he'll stop being so rude. I walked out on my toxic parents one Christmas and they've been at least somewhat less toxic since. Though I don't see them often anyway. I didn't want to punish dd so we went straight to a movie she'd been wanting to see.

 

[maryeb]

I'm sorry, that would be so hard! If it had been me, I would have said my piece/peace and left. You are not being a bigger person by staying, IMO. You are a bigger person for forgiving his crappy behavior. But I agree you have the right to protect yourself and your children. I've btdt with my own mother. It came to a head when ds1 was about 16 months, poor thing was right there when we argued, or she argued and I told her to cut it out and just enjoy us. (She was so annoyed we were still nursing, ecing/cloth diapering, co sleeping, talking to ds like a normal human being, etc.) I packed up right away and left, it was a 2 hr. drive home but totally necessary to protect myself and boy. The next time we talked I gave her the option of either enjoying us, or just not spending time with us. Again, so sorry and good luck! It's great your dh is supportive. Mary

 

[jeanine123]

You said your DH was there during this. What did he do? You said he was standing up for you but why was he allowing the berating to continue if that was the case? Quite honestly, it's his responsibility to take care of his family and he failed epically today. There is no reason a husband should stand by and watch while his father tears into his wife in that way and there is no way he should allow it to continue on a regular basis. Your children may not have been on that porch today but they know what's going on. Kids are smart, they know a heck of a lot more than anyone ever gives them credit for. How do you know your FIL isn't saying stuff to them while they're there on Thurs.? Or saying snide remarks while they're around? I'm sorry but based on what you've said here your DH really needs to step up and do more to protect his family from such horrible attacks. There is no reason you have to handle this alone, this is his parents and he needs to stand beside you and present a united front to them.

There is no reason you need to continue to take that. If your FIL can't behave civilly towards you then you shouldn't continue to put yourself in that situation. Do you want your children to constantly turn their cheek and allow others walk all over them and trample on their beliefs and opinions? Or do you want them to be secure in their decisions and stand up for them, even if that means cutting toxic people out of their lives no matter what relation they are to them? Your FIL is toxic and is not worth the time of day.

 

[momtokea]

wow. I'm so sorry

I think you really handled that like "the bigger person". But if I were you I would never see him again.
I'm glad your dh is standing up for you, but I don't think he should expect you to ever visit with him again. I wouldn't let my kids around him either, that's what he wants, your kids without you.
I don't think you should be told to "ignore him". I think the whole family should tell him to shut-up. It doesn't matter how old he is, he doesn't deserve any respect.
Does your dh realize that his dad is being disrespectful to him, too, simply by being disrespectful to you?
I expect my family to treat my dh with respect whether they like him or not, simply because he is MY dh.

 

[Sierra]

Quote:

Originally Posted by demottm FYI the MIL is not giving you support, she is enabling her husbands abuse of you. If everyone stood up to him and let him know that how he acts is unacceptable he would have no reason not to change or not wonder why you and your family choose not to be abused.

This is a good point. I absolutely think her *intention* was likely to be supportive, but in actuality, she failed to do what she intended.

My FIL is sometimes verbablly abusive to my MIL. They've been married for 50 years. Sometimes he lashes out at others as well. MIL tries to talk us all into just sucking it up and ignoring it, and I know that's been her "survival tactic" all these years, but that totally enables FIL.

The most toxic thing in my in-law's family is the unwritten rule that we should all pretend we don't have feelings or that others can't hurt us.

I know I drive my MIL up the wall because I refuse to abide this rule. Like your FIL, she has little regard for me and does not agree with choices I am making in parenting my children. Most of all, she can't stand me talking about my feelings or questioning anything. She's polite, but passive aggressive, and I'm not sure which I'd rather.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hipumpkins I just feel like staying was a mistake...but MIL went to a lot of work to make a nice Easter and the kids would not accepted just up and leaving. Not without a fit here and there.

That's really tough, but personally, if I was looking on the day in retrospect, I think I'd have said it was a mistake not to leave as well. I would have not wanted to spend a holiday that way, and there is no reason that doing so should be expected of me. MIL can always visit our family on her own.

 

[MusicianDad]

Pack up the kids, tell FIL "Until you can start acting like a decent human being, we will not involve ourselves in your life any longer", tell MIL who was at least trying to be nice that she is welcome to visit herself, and leave.

 

[Sierra]

P.S.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jeanine123 How do you know your FIL isn't saying stuff to them while they're there on Thurs.? Or saying snide remarks while they're around?

I also had this thought. Given what you've shared, I am thinking I would be uncomfortable with my kids spending time with him.

And I see what people are saying about your husband too. In our house, I don't have to answer to any parenting questions/concerns from my ILs, and my dw doesn't have to answer to any parenting questions/concerns from my parents.

If my ILs didn't agree with us homeschooling, it would be my dw who would take responsibility for the decision to homeschool (regardless of her role in actuality) in regard to conversations with her parents. She would be the broken record: "I'm sorry you don't agree, but this is something I have researched heavily and feel very strongly about. Ultimately, I get to make the decisions for my children that I see fit." She wouldn't even use the word "we" in these conversations. This is true for any parenting decision we make, whether it is more her decision or more my decision or something totally shared.

That said, I think you were right on the mark when you didn't let your FIL pull you into a debate over homeschooling. That's the bee in his bonnet right now, but the real issue is his behavior. Good for you for not letting him distract from the real issue.

 

[mamarootoo]

that is horrible. i'm so sorry mama