FILs parenting advice is driving me nuts!!!

915 Views 10 Replies 8 Participants Last post by 1littlebit, Apr 17, 2009

1littlebit

Discussion Starter · Apr 16, 2009

sry if this is choppy my keyboard is broken. k so FIL tells me we have to train DS (14 mos) i always say we dont train we teach DS doesn't talk yet so he walks up to FIL and wants something FIL says 'say please' & wont give it to him over & over until DS starts crying. the poor kid cant say please. i told this to FIL who said well if you wont train him i will. i lost it & said hows this for training...my kid my rules. if you wont accept that your wont be spending time with him.

then later he was telling a story about DH and SIL when they were kids he said DH hit SIL and he really "whacked him one for that" i couldn't believe noone else thought it sounded as stupid as i did. i said where on earth was the logic behind that. he said he was the parent thats all the logic he needed. i thought my head was going to explode but i didnt say anyhting b/c i try not to argue abt these thingss with peope whose kids are areay grown since they cant go back and change it so it would just make them feel guity. it just make me nuts. thankfully P agrees with me about all this but it makes me not want to leave ds with FIL ever ever ever but DP says FIL would never do anything i didnt want but i dont know.

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ssh

· #2 · Apr 16, 2009

I wouldn't leave your DS alone with FIL if I were you. Children learn by example, they copy our behavior. We taught our DD manners by modeling, using polite phrases when talking to her and each other. She was saying thank you and your welcome before she turned two. She also smiles at and greats people (something I do). She's just started using please alot, all the time lately, at 3.5. And she says 'I'm sorry' abit too much but so does my DH.

Trying to force LOs to be polite by being rude to them often leads them to becoming a rude adult rather than a person who's habitually polite. Being surrounded by polite people who respect you makes politeness seem natural. It doesn't sound like your FIL understands the value of respecting LOs. I wouldn't trust him.

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paquerette

· #3 · Apr 16, 2009

Yeah. I think even if you can trust FIL 100% not to hit (which from this I don't think I would), I still wouldn't want him telling those stories around DS.

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NiteNicole

· #4 · Apr 16, 2009

First, you're probably right not to leave your child alone with your FIL, he may mean well but it sounds like he is convinced he knows better than you.

Second, why would you challenge him on how he parented his kids a million years ago? It's over, your partner doesn't seem to be hanging on to any anger about it, let it go. When you criticize him to his face, you just open the door for him to comment on your parenting. Lead by example, just don't comment. Worry about YOUR child NOW.

Which brings me to my third bit of advice, it's probably not a great idea to directly criticize your FIL to your partner. Even if he agrees with you, eventually that's going to make him defensive. It's just human nature. Vent about it here, plenty of people do! I get the urge to let it all out, but eventually it's going to become a sore spot.

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PGTlatte

· #5 · Apr 17, 2009

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1littlebit

i lost it & said hows this for training...my kid my rules. if you wont accept that your wont be spending time with him.

Excellent, you've taken the first step ! Now just stick to it. Don't be concerned as to whether or not your DP is okay with this. It is probably harder for him to resist his own parents. It's better for you to be the "bad guy" with your FIL if necessary. Don't doubt yourself and don't back down. You didn't start it - your FIL did by choosing to disrespect your position as the parents.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1littlebit

DP says FIL would never do anything i didnt want but i dont know.

Doesn't this:

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1littlebit

i told this to FIL who said well if you wont train him i will

clearly indicate that your FIL has already made it clear he will do what he wants to do, even when he knows very well it is not what you would agree with ?

Take the man at his word, and don't ever leave your child with him, regardless of what your DP thinks.

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readytobedone

· #6 · Apr 17, 2009

oh, that sounds rough. i agree with some PPs, definitely don't leave your DS alone with FIL. and if he asks, tell him exactly why.

a bit off-topic, but i HATE HATE HATE it when people tell your child to say something--especially when he/she CAN'T say that yet. i had a teacher at the little gym basically hold DD hostage (ok, not quite that extreme, but you know what i mean--not letting her leave) because she wasn't saying "thank you" for a stamp. she was like 16 months old and not saying thank you to ANYONE for anything yet. she wasn't being rude, she just didn't talk much!

now that she's almost 2 (and quite reliably saying THANK YOU!, might i add

, people seemingly expect her to say "may i please have a cracker?" well, she doesn't talk that well yet!

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paquerette

· #7 · Apr 17, 2009

I know, right?! Don't you just want to invite them for dinner and then refuse to serve them until they play Bells of Moscow on the piano?

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readytobedone

· #8 · Apr 17, 2009

Quote:

Originally Posted by paquerette

I know, right?! Don't you just want to invite them for dinner and then refuse to serve them until they play Bells of Moscow on the piano?

:

so totally puts it in perspective when you put it this way!

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Blu Razzberri

· #9 · Apr 17, 2009

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1littlebit

...(I don't feel comfortable leaving) ds with FIL....but DP says FIL would never do anything i didnt want...

I hate to point out the obvious; but he already IS....

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1littlebit

...FIL tells me we have to train DS....i always say we dont train we teach...(FIL) said well if you wont train him i will....

I would give him a chance to correct the behavior (good for you for standing up for yourself and your son!); and if he doesn't demonstrate that he's open to a different way (besides what is obvious domination over a child....and YOU, I might add); then I wouldn't leave DS with him either.

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alexsam

· #10 · Apr 17, 2009

I think you have to go with your heart if you trust FIL. Really, I don't think anyone here on the internet can say anything from 1 sentace that could be bravado. If you don't feel comfortable, that's all you need. Trust yourself.

This is the beginning of crappy advice. It will continue... indefinately. From a mom at the playground to teachers, doctors, friends, books, your own parents... You are doing a great job of standing your ground in your home and with your child. As for the crappy advice, educate when you can, stay in charge and let the rest go.

You know... FIL was obnoxious with the "please" stuff, but if you are looking for bridges and to take the tension down and educate everyone, how about teaching them both the hand signs for please and thank you? I bet your DS would like the learning and the social interaction/experimentation that comes with manners and FIL might be able to see outside the box to other ways of getting the same result.

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1littlebit

Discussion Starter · #11 · Apr 17, 2009

he also likes to say that you have to spank and for awhile when i disageed he would do the 'oh youll see' thing until i told him i know you dont have to spank b/c my brother andd i werent spanked and neither were most of my cousins. it wouldnt bother me if he werent so found o giving advice and doing the 'youll see' bit if i disagree. and i dont want to fight with dp about not trusting hiss father yk?

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