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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I lost the baby that I was carrying back in April...and I really haven't been able to talk about it much. My due date would have been my son's 2nd birthday (Sept13th). The closer I get to Ds' bday the more (of course) I'm thinking about the LO I will never get to hold. I feel like maybe if I share some of this my spirit will feel a little more free.

It took us 7, yes 7 years, to get pregnant with my Ds (I have PCOS) he is the absolute light of my life. I NEVER thought I would get pregnant again... so imagine my surprise when on New Year's weekend the test was positive. To say the least we were overjoyed. My second pregnancy was nothing like my pregnancy with Ds. Ds' was VERY easy. On the second pregnancy at 5 1/2 weeks I went into Anaphylactic shock. None of the 5 doctors could figure out why. I had no know allergeries, but was covered literally head-to-toe in hives. Of course after all of the Epi the doc's gave me in the ER I was worried about the baby. After several ultrasound the baby seemed to be just fine. Great heartbeat, measurements were good, and good movement. After the third ultrasound I started to relax thinking..after this many tests if the baby had a reaction to any of the meds that was administered SOMETHING would have turned up. My pregnancy from then until 19 weeks was normal.

I think I was about 2 days from my 19th week when I discovered that I was spotting. Just thinking that maybe I overdid it the day before I wasn't overly freaking out, but I called my OB just in case. When I went in that day we found out that our precious LO was gone. I will never forget the feeling of looking at the ultrasound screen and seeing this perfectly formed baby, but the baby was still.

I choose to have a D & E. I realize that people feel differently about this but no matter what your thoughts on this are this was MY decision for MY family. I truly think that I could not have (mentally) made it through birthing a deceased baby. After the surgery I developed something called DIC http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/779097-overview. I almost bleed to death. I lost well over half of my blood count. The doctor's had to go and tell my Dh that they didn't know if was would "make it" or not, but that they were doing all that they could. It's taken several months to recover from this. Some days I feel as if I haven't really grieved enough for the LO that I lost because of the recovery(I was very weak and sick) and caring for my Ds. Other days I feel so incredibly sad and cannot explain it. There is a piece of our family that will always be missing. I am sorry that this is so long. Thank you for reading.

I would have named her Sophie Addison Bates. Oh, my little one how we would have loved you
 

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Jess, I'm so sorry for your loss of Sophie.

This is a wonderful, nonjudgemental group of loss-Mamas here.
Sort of "all in it together" no matter what our individual decisions
have been. I think you'll find it a supportive place to be.
You've been through so much - Wishing you peace, comfort and healing.
 

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I lost my baby at about that age too.

No one will judge you here. You did what was best for you.

How's your DH doing? My DH was also told I was quite possibly going to bleed out or go septic. I think it makes the loss a whole different thing for our husbands. I know DH loves Amelia and misses her and that she'll always have a special place but, and I've said this and thought this so many times, DH was praying for my life and he got his prayer answered. I did not. It certaintly puts a different perspective on our grief as a couple.

We're here for you.
 

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Oh Jess, what a heartbreak. One of my best friends struggles with PCOS, and her daughter, too, is her little miracle. She hasn't been able to get pg since.


I'm so sorry about Sophie, and I'm sad you're here, but glad you found us.

 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thank you for all of your support. It means ALOT. My DH has his good and bad days too. I think it's sort of like WaitingForKiddos said ...Dh was in such a shock at the possibility of loosing me that it put things in a different perspective. I do wait to try again for a LO.... my OB recommended Clomid. But I'm just not ready yet. Again thank you
 

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Jess,

In my case, I've found that Dh is maybe even more scared than I am to try again. We're (read: he is) 'not not trying' and 'seeing what happens' while I'm for sure 'trying'. When/if you do ever start feeling ready maybe expect Dh to suddenly grip onto you. My Dh still looks at me like I'm capable of dropping dead at any given moment. A week ago he thought I was an intruder and nearly attacked me as I came back into the bedroom after getting a glass of water at, ever so oddly 2:20 am (Amelia's birth time). I think had he had a weapon I would have gotten hurt. He was blind with his desire to save me from....well, turned out to be me. Just thoughts.

More warm hugs to you mama... I'm so very sorry.
 

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I think that almost dieing...twice...made me realize how much I wanted to live. It made my husband realize that I could die. It made my kids understand that life is fragile. I think we all feel a little panicked when we are apart...just because life happens to be...well....unpredictable at the worst moments. It makes us all hug a little longer and a little tighter--just in case.

Love to you...all of you.
 
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