[just_lily]

I am pretty sure I know what I need to do here, but I just need to hear it from objective people as well. Please be gentle.... I am really upset over this already.

I am trying to get my head around the possibility that I am going to have to go back to working outside the home. It kills me, not only because I have to leave my daughter, but also because I really, really dislike the job I will be going back to.

But it pays well. Really, really well. I would be hard pressed trying to find anything else that even comes close.

I have been on maternity leave for nearly ten months (I am in Canada, clearly). Before that I was on sick leave for several months because I had PIH in my pregnancy and my doctors ordered me home. Over the last few months I have been trying to make a go at running a home daycare in lieu of going back to work.

When I first called Employment Insurance (EI) to find out what would happen to my benefits if I took in kids during the day the guy on the phone told me no problem, I could do that, just fill in these reports. So I did, and it turns out what he told me was totally wrong - so they cut off my benefits and now say I owe THEM money.

When I first started I only had one kid, and made less than half of what I did just on my EI benefits. It has been a HUGE blow to our finances. I now have two kids, but it is still not nearly enough to support our family.

If I could get a couple of more kids to watch I could keep doing this, but it looks like that will take months. There seems to be a glut of childcare spaces (at least for pre-schoolers) in my area.

I also unwittingly own a rental property in another city because I couldn't afford to sell my house there after the market crashed at the same time I accepted the job I am now looking at returning too. My tenants are moving out at the end of this month and I haven't been able to find new ones, so we are looking at having to make two mortgage payments without the benefit of rental income.

We also can't afford to sell our current home due to the current economy.

We have two cars... one leased that we can't get out of, and one that we own, but that is worth less than the loan value on it. I have student loans, and we both have credit card balances.

Our savings are completely wiped. There just isn't anything left. DF broke his glasses several weeks ago and is now simply going without, and suffering from headaches because of it.

Foreclosure/bankruptcy is simply not an option. My FIL co-signed our mortgage and there is no way we will allow this to affect his credit rating. Just not going to happen.

We are having a garage sale next week in order to get some extra cash together for bills.

So of course the logical thing is to go back to the job I am on leave from. The only wise decision I have made in the last while was to not officially resign until I knew I could make a go of the home daycare. But the thought of it is making me physically ill. It is a very stressfull job in a high pressured industry, made only worse by the crappy economy. When I was working I hated going to bed at night, because it meant that morning would come sooner, and I would have to go back into work. And that was before I had a baby I would need to leave in daycare.

But what is worse... job stress, or stress from having no money? I need to keep my family afloat, and this is the only way I can see to do that at the moment.

My DF has a good job, and makes decent money. We just live in a high COL area and his salary alone barely covers the mortgage on our modest home. We plan to move away, but that is part of our ten-year plan and is dependent on the housing market bouncing back so we can get some equity out of our home. It kills him that we are faced with this decision - he knows how awful this job is for me, and we both wanted me to be able to stay home with our daughter. This whole situation is really hurting his masculine pride.

So... I pretty much know what I have to do. I just don't want to admit it yet. I am trying to tell myself that I can do it for a year, pay off some debts and build up some savings, and then go back on leave when we have another baby. And this time I will know not to screw up my benefits in the process.

I am not sure what advice I am looking for here. It has been very cathartic to just get this all out, so thanks if you have made it this far.

So I guess just please tell me that it will be ok.

 

[CarrieMF]

Hate to say it, but yes you need to go back to work.

Where is the other house that it won't sell? What do you owe on it & when did you last try selling it?

 

[just_lily]

The rental property is in Edmonton. My mortgage has about $210k owing on it, and if I sell it I will have to pay penalties (there is 2.5years left on the term) plus realty fees. I would be lucky to get $175k if I were to sell it now. It was last listed about 18 months ago.

 

[Pumpkin_Pie]

I would go back to the job that you hate with the mindset that you will find something else soon. Definitely put it out there, even if just for your own sanity that this is not forever, and possibly not even for very long at all. Don't tell your employer that, but tell your friends, your spouse, yourself. Maybe you can make enough to get caught up on bills, sell the extra house and not be too hurt by the extra penalties, and then start job hunting for something that can keep your family above water that you love.

 

[Denvergirlie]

Sorry, but back to work from my point of view as well.

Try not to stress about going back to work, yes it's not ideal, but sounds like it's your only option.

If it's really your only option then there really isn't much of a choice. If it's not much of a choice, then it's out of your control and as such don't worry about the stuff that you can not control.

You can control your mood and your attitude. It's hard for sure, but every time a negative thought comes in your mind, try really hard to turn that into a positive.

Positives:
You earn a fair wage
You are able to meet your obligations
You and your DH have a plan, you know where you want to get to and are taking steps to make that a reality
Everyday you work you are becoming more finanically secure

I am sure there are some other things you can find to be a positive. Every single time a negative thought comes in your mind, replace it with a poiistive. Write your positives down on an index card and read them aloud every morning while getting ready for work. I tape mine to my mirror so I read them while brushing my teeth every morning and night.

This need not be forever, you can look for another job that will be less stressful, but for the time being this is the situation you are in. Only stress about the things you can control. Do not waste your energy stressing out about the things that are beyond your control. It serves zero purpose, except to make you feel even worse, and what fun is that.

 

[Knittin' in the Shade]

Yes, I agree with the PPs, the best option in this situation is for you to go back to work, and send out feelers for a new job. Your financial situation (especially with your FIL co-signing your mtg) really necessitates that you bring in the money from your job. (((hugs))))

 

[tricia80]

s i know its hard but going back to work seems to be the option at this point... just keep in mind it won't be for long and keep a goal in your mind to help you get through it..

 

[Delicateflower]

I'm sorry.

is there any sort of adjustment you can make about your work? Look for a job in another company, train for a slightly different job? How about moving back to Edmonton and renting your current house out?

Can you drop the price and get tenants in the rental? We rent, and $100 a month makes a big difference.

 

[Leta]

If you have your DF's rx, you can get a pair of glasses from Zenni optical for $13, including shipping. Not frames, glasses.

I have been in the job-hating situation, too... it sucks. But nothing is forever. Hang in there.

 

[just_lily]

Thanks for all of the kind words. I had to stop reading several times because it is making me cry, and I am trying to hold it all together.

I just dropped the price on the rent. We have one showing tomorrow, so hopefully that pans out.

Moving back to Edmonton isn't really in the cards. It would mean we BOTH have to look for work and giving up the security of DF's job is a little scary in this economy. The house there is very small - I was living there when it was just me and a dog. Now there is DF, DD and DDog#2. The house we are living in meets our needs much better, is in a much more family-friendly community, and my inlaws are close enough by to help out. And after all that I don't think we would really end up financially ahead to move.

I will continue to look for other work, but the one thing this job really does have going for it is the money. It is also located within our community (we moved here because of this job) so my commute is like two minutes. Having to commute will add a couple of horus to what DD has to spend in care.

I am trying to tell myself that maybe it won't be so bad. When I started my desk was literally a year behind. I was in a huge deficit, and then I was super busy with new stuff on top. Every day I ended up even more behind than when I started. But after I went on sick leave they replaced me with TWO people for several months because it was so bad (of course I had been telling anyone who would listen). So maybe it is all cleaned up and in a more manageable position. I can keep dreaming, right?

 

[blueridgewoman]

I know exactly where you're coming from- before dd was born, I worked a job that I hated. I used to cry on Sunday nights because I knew I was going back to work on Monday. It was really, really terrible. It wasn't that I had too much work- I just hated the whole damn place and pretty much everyone in it.

My suggestion would be that you need to work on accepting that job as a means to an end. Recognize that its not your whole life and that at the end of the day, no matter what happens, you get to go home.

And make it bearable for yourself in any way possible. Promise yourself a hot bath and a glass of wine every night. Stop and get a latte on the way to work (I realize this isn't the most frugal thing, but if the job is making you enough money, I figure it's a small price for sanity) or get lunch out once a week. Get a nice plant for your desk and fill your desk with great pictures of your family. Buy a set of awesome pens (hey, it's the small things

), have a picnic with your daughter at daycare twice a week. Make the weekends extra fun.

In short, just get through it and, at the end of every day, tell yourself how much money you made that day. I hope it's very temporary for you guys.

 

[skueppers]

I agree, I think you really do need to go back to work. Financial ruin is not a reasonable alternative.

I'm sorry you're going through this. But it sounds like you and your husband have a plan so you won't have to do this forever. I find I can put up with a lot of things for periods as long as several years as long as I know when the end of it is coming.

It does sound like having your job so close by will be a real benefit for you -- you could even go visit your daughter during the work day!

 

[CarrieMF]

I would talk to realtors in Edmonton. The prices haven't really dropped that much there unless you're selling the $400,000+ houses. If you had tenants in it while you were trying to sell it before that could be why it didn't sell.

 

[snuggly mama]

I've been working at a job I hate for a few years now, and I completely understand how soul-wrenching it can be to deal with those emotions. I cried every day for a long time, thinking there must be SOME way for me to be able to either be home or find something comparable. When I finally sat down and figured out how much the job was giving to me -- not only in terms of an excellent paycheck, but also some extras like flexibility, networking opportunities and a few other things -- I decided that it was worth it to keep plugging away with the understanding that I wouldn't be here forever. The job didn't get any better -- and I still know that I'm just not cut out for this kind of work -- but I'm better able to cope with it because I just focus on what's in it for me, ykwim?

Financial ruin sucks, quite frankly. We're in a bad way financially right now, and it's making me literally sick, I'm losing tons of sleep and it's just incredibly intense and frustrating, and it affects everything from my health to the way I parent my kids. Not something I'd want to deal with if I could avoid it in any way.

 

[just_lily]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CarrieMF I would talk to realtors in Edmonton. The prices haven't really dropped that much there unless you're selling the $400,000+ houses. If you had tenants in it while you were trying to sell it before that could be why it didn't sell.

I have a great realtor in Edmonton. Selling it just really isn't going to work unless I take a bath on it. I bought the house at the height of the real estate hysteria, so have to deal with the entire amount of the correct. I tried to sell it for six months before I even got tenants - we didn't rent it out until I decided to take it off the market. Believe me - if there was any way I thought I could unload it, I would.

I was in talks with my current tenants about just taking over my mortgage, but they managed to purchase an acreage for less.

 

[Ola_]

I'm so sorry. I think it is awesome that you are able to go back to work to help your family during this difficult time. Just keep telling yourself it won't be forever, you just need to make it through each day. As soon as the situation stabilizes (and it will!) you don't need to do it anymore. Hugs mama!

 

[Knittin' in the Shade]

is there any possibility of telecommuting for this job, at least for a few days a week? It might make the transition easier if you can only do daycare a few days instead of every day, and then maybe less stressful for you if you can be at home on your own terms?

 

[vegasgrl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by just_lily But what is worse... job stress, or stress from having no money?

I can unequivocally tell you that IME, the stress from having no money is exponentially worse than the stress from a crappy job.

I had a three year period of underemployment following a costly marriage that I don't think I'll ever get out from under from. I have not had a vehicle for 5 months. I am filing for bankruptcy next month. I have lost pretty much everything I spent years building up and it kills me some times. (Although it does get easier, I will say that. The first time my rent was late I cried for 3 days. Now it's just another bill that will have to wait, sadly.) And I'm an attorney. For reals. It's really been a nightmare. And I will never, ever go back to that, no matter what I have to do. I have never felt such desperation, such utter and complete devastation, so hopeless. I'm not doing that ever again.

I HATE my job right now. I am constantly disrespected, demeaned, undervalued, underutilized. My career is stalling, my entire body gets tense when I lie in bed at night thinking about my boss. I dream of quitting on a near nightly basis. But when it comes down to it, I am making really good money and I have health insurance. That's all that matters right now.

There was a Super Bowl commercial this year that I think of often. The scene opens with an executive in a beautiful office, sitting at his desk in a Hugh Hefner-type silk robe smoking a cigar with his feet up on his desk. A moose head is mounted on the wall behind him. There's opera music playing as the camera circularly pans around the office. The view than crosses the wall that the moose head is mounted on...only to reveal a cubicle-laden, fluorescent-lighted, windowless nightmare of an office space. The rest of the moose protrudes from the common wall between the executive's office and the office space...and there's an employee whose desk is right underneath the moose. The MALE moose.

The commercial was for monster.com - Isn't it time to find a new job? But seriously, in this economy, I feel so fortunate to HAVE a job, even WITH the moose above me in all its glory. It's unfortunate, but we all have to make due right now and get through it as best we can.

I know this stinks. I would do anything to be able to SAH. But it is what it is. Good luck!

 

[just_lily]

I do feel very fortunate to at least have a job to go back to. We do have options, and for that I am eternally grateful.

I have lived in the cube nightmare, and that is completely the pits. At least I have a nice office... and while I have been on leave they renovated and my replacement has been moved to a bigger, nicer office. So there is that.

I just ran some numbers, and what kills me is that going back to my job would only put me $500 ahead of having a full home daycare. And I only need three more kids to be full. AND that isn't even accounting for needing a professional wardrobe, actually getting my hair done, and increases in things like convenience foods. Plus we were planning on returning DF's car once his lease is up and going down to only one vehicle. With me working we will need two (we both need vehicles during the day with our jobs). So if I could only get more kids it would be completely even compared to going back to work.

But... as things currently are we are about $900 short each month. Totally sucks.

 

[lovebeingamomma]

I would pray for God to provide as many kids as you need to run a home daycare. I don't see why the only two options have to be: hating life at work or hating life in debt. I think there's a possibility for happiness and contentment. So I would pray on it. There's so many moms working, and let's face it there's never been a shortage of preggo woman. There's got to be women out there already set on going back to work and looking for a safe home daycare. I would try that first before settling for an option you won't be happy with. I'll pray for you about this matter. The best decision I made was staying home with my kids.