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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi everyone,

I'm mom to twelve year old twin boys and I got divorced last year after my husband confessed to cheating on me. The year leading up to our breaking up was the worst year of my life. And I'll be honest, I regret not leaving him sooner. He did everything he could to make me have a breakdown so he could take our sons. I had a feeling he was cheating on me, prior to him telling me. But whenever I confronted him, he would deny it and lied to me about being gone late, claiming he was home at the same time every night. He told family members and friends that I was worrying him and acting crazy. A lot of people believed him. But I never doubted myself for a minute. About six months after all this started, he confessed he had been cheating and left with the woman who is now his wife. During the custody battle, he tried to say I was unstable and wasn't capable of looking after our sons. I had to go for an evaluation to prove I was stable. Now I have custody and he has visitation.

I'm struggling with the whole co-parenting thing and having to see him when he picks up the boys from my house. I also have his wife emailing me and gloating about how she won my man, etc. The emails don't bother me on their own. But she's told my sons a number of times that I'm crazy and that they should say they want to live with her and their dad, not me. We ended up going back to court, because my ex believed they would decide they'd rather live with him. He lost again.

I feel like a horrible mom for hating my ex as much as I do. But I honestly despise him. And I know it's most likely affecting my boys. I'm currently in counseling, which helps, but when he brought me back to court again, it just set me back. I regret ever meeting this man and I regret not leaving him sooner even more.

Does anyone have any advice? Did anyone go through something similar?
 

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I haven't been through anything similar, but wow. She really emails you to gloat? Ick.

Can you arrange things so that you only deal with your ex about issues relating to the kids, and deep-six emails from her?
 

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I would make a rule that you only deal with him (you can also set up that you both have to go through a third party, but this may be difficult), then forward all her emails to a folder that you DO NOT LOOK AT.

The forwarding is so that, if you have to go to court, you may have evidence against them. (This is blatant parental alienation)

The not looking is for your own health. Seriously, don't read them. There is no reason to read them. You know what kind of person she is.

There is absolutely no reason to be in contact with her.

You can require only interacting with your ex via teXT or email. This way you have a record of what was said and can take time to calm down before responding. Save everything, though.

Put your kids in counseling if you haven't already. It will help them process this and also provide more evidence just in case you need it. (Don't word it like this to the counselor or your ex, the main goal is helping your sons cope with a bad situation)

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's a crap situation and none of you deserve it. But you've gotten through the hardest parts. You can handle this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I haven't been through anything similar, but wow. She really emails you to gloat? Ick.

Can you arrange things so that you only deal with your ex about issues relating to the kids, and deep-six emails from her?
Yep. She's done that more times than I can count. Sometimes from his email account, on one of his threads, so I sometimes open it thinking it's from him. I'm doing my best to ignore them. But it's hard. Especially when I get them at the weekend.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I would make a rule that you only deal with him (you can also set up that you both have to go through a third party, but this may be difficult), then forward all her emails to a folder that you DO NOT LOOK AT.

The forwarding is so that, if you have to go to court, you may have evidence against them. (This is blatant parental alienation)

The not looking is for your own health. Seriously, don't read them. There is no reason to read them. You know what kind of person she is.

There is absolutely no reason to be in contact with her.

You can require only interacting with your ex via teXT or email. This way you have a record of what was said and can take time to calm down before responding. Save everything, though.

Put your kids in counseling if you haven't already. It will help them process this and also provide more evidence just in case you need it. (Don't word it like this to the counselor or your ex, the main goal is helping your sons cope with a bad situation)

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's a crap situation and none of you deserve it. But you've gotten through the hardest parts. You can handle this.
They're both on a waiting list right now for counseling. That should start in the next month, we're hoping.

Thank you for the support.
 

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What a rotten situation, I'm sorry you're going through this. Keep in mind this is all really fresh stuff. A few years from now, none of this is going to bother you as much as it does now. Try and put your focus on building your own new life. Even if you need to think the best revenge is living well, make sure you are taking good care of yourself. Redicover some hobbies you've had or do something new, this is a great time for growth.

My kids are 11 and 13 and I am counting down the years until I won't have to 'co-parent' (what a ridiculous word!) with my ex. While technically it's another 6 years or so, the kids are going to reach a point where they won't allow us to manage their social lives for them. They're going to be arranging their own visits and maybe even driving themselves to dad's place, once they have their license. So contact is going to lessen, at least on the day-to-day stuff.

I think sillysapling has a lot of great advice. There's a lot of power in not giving a response to something that is meant to be inflammatory. When the girlfriend comments in his email, I might say "Exhusband, please secure your email to ensure our discussions are kept confidential." once or twice. If he doesn't then oh well, but at least you have your objections in writing, which may be important down the line.

For the nasty-talk, the fact that you are hearing about it from the kids is good. They are looking to you for how they should react to that. I've told my kids, not only for parents but also between friends at school when they've heard rumours or someone is trying to get them on one side of a drama, "You don't have to accept someone else's opinion, you can make up your own mind about people. Think for yourself, you are smart." They are probably upset by what's being said, so try not to add to their worries by being upset by it, too.

My ex told the kids that the only reason I keep them is for the child support. When they told me, I burst out laughing, which turned out to be a pretty good response. I told them their dad probably doesn't realize how much kids cost... back when we were together, grandma gave us all the clothes they needed, they ate so little that it hadn't changed the grocery bill much, they shared a room so we lived in a smaller place and there were no school fees or supplies to buy yet. All that adds up to big costs! Once I spelled it out for them, they could easily see that they aren't exactly a windfall in the financial department. Of course, I made sure they know I want them here, anyway.

Don't let them drag you down, you won in court for a reason. You can take the high road. Your kids are best off with you and that was proven, don't give their drama more significance than it deserves. Work on moving forward, and allof this will have less of an effect on you.
 

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Ugh, she uses his email to do it? That really is nasty.

You might want to look into 'The Conscious Parent' by Shefali Tsabary. It talks a lot about shedding baggage and taking control of your emotions and responses. I know it sounds odd to suggest a parenting book for dealing with noxious people, but it's actually a very good book for life in general.
 
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