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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hope you don't mind me barging in here unannounced, but I'm hoping you might have some wisdom I can pass along to my sister. She's just walked out of a relationship she had high hopes was leading to marriage, and now she's facing an over-30 birthday with no prospect of love/family in the future. She's feeling like the next 50 years are pretty well pointless. She's alone. There's no one (outside of myself and our family) who loves her, whose life she makes better.<br><br>
She's not a mama, and has decided from observing the work it takes for DH and I to raise our daughter that she doesn't want to become a single parent.<br><br>
I can see she needs a "purpose" - one that doesn't involve career success, but a way to positively relate to people. I just don't know how to tell her to find that.<br><br>
Any body have any thoughts for her or me?<br><br>
TIA!<br>
KC
 

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This probably isn't the best forum for your question...perhaps spiritual growth?<br><br>
We're all pretty much totally enmeshed into parenting and for myself at least it's an absolute integral part of my meaning in life. I think since single parents tend to have even more significant parenting responsibilities it's probably true for others as well.<br><br>
My sister is not a mom and perhaps not going to be one (she's almost thirty), but it's not something she's resolved. For a long time she resented I had kids(jealousy), now she resents the kids(impatience)! So I think it's really important to just be balanced, to be happy with who you are.<br><br>
I plan on having more children through foster care/adoption, and if it's something she's thinking is MISSING in her life that might be a good way to see how it is without going all the way. There are many kids who only need short term placements, so it wouldn't be necessarily harming the child to not be committed to parenthood.<br><br>
(As you can see, I can't give a recommendation outside of parenting...the other options I've heard are career, travel, or friends).<br><br>
Jennifer
 

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I agree with Jster - I don't think there are many (if any) women here who could imagine their lives w/o kids. My first thought when I read your post was "She should get preggers!!" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bag.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Bag">:<br><br>
Has she thought about going back to school? Getting a dog & taking up running? I totally threw myself into self-improvement after my breakup. It was liberating knowing that I could do whatever I wanted.
 

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If she's just out of this relationship, she is probably still hurting and upset. Once she gets through that emotional stuff, she'll likely be ready to move forward again in some way.<br><br>
Although I think it's great you want to help her, I do think this is something she'll have to figure out on her own.<br><br>
Single parenting is hard, but it's not as difficult as people think. If she was truly commited to it, she could easily become a single parent by choice one day.<br><br>
But, to totally stay away from parenting......I think that volunteer work can really enhance a life and help people feel more connected and like they have more purpose. I agree with others that classes, travel, etc. are good options too.<br><br>
I really think right now she's probably still grieving over her relationship and the fact that she's 30-something and still single. I'm sure that's not the way she envisioned her life to be and it's probably a bit scary for her right now.<br><br>
I'd stay close, encourage and support her the best you can. When people feel low and are hurt and/or scared, it helps to know we have others around who love us for who we are. You can point out her good qualities (not in a really obvious way) and let her know that you think she's a wonderful person. She'll likely get out of her funk and figure things out and have a wonderful life!
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
When I thought of the folks over here. That you all might have gone through a period of "What's my life for?". That narrow the question enough?<br><br>
KC
 

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i'm pretty sure that most of us single mothers here who wound up being single from a relationship break up know what our lives are for. at least speaking for myself, every moment of my life is trying to give and ensure that my son has everything he needs to be a healthy person in this crazy world.also within those moments trying to get or maintain balance so that i can be a healthy person in this crazy world.<br>
i agree with Jster that this probably isn't the best forum for your question.<br><br>
ps when my ex abandoned me and our one month old son i wasn't thinking "what is my life for? " i was more like "what the- - - - was HIS (the ex) life for"<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
 

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I don't think we need to have a relationship to have meaning...although there are frustrations we've faced, if you spend any time here you'll notice it's not lack of meaning that we struggle with.<br><br>
It's more 1) the struggles and joys of being a parent 2) the stress and blessing of being a single parent 3) dealing with, as Alanis Morisset (sp?) so aptly put it, "The mess you left when you went away" for those of us who became single parents after a long relationship. Sure, there is a lot of mess to deal with, but it's not something that makes us question our selves. At least, I certainly don't, and I guess I'm a little confused that you'd assume SINGLE parents somehow had a magical coping mechanism because they'd overcome the loss of a relationship. Many of us are even single mamas BY CHOICE, because the relationship part can get in the way of the parenting part.<br><br>
We get a lot of visitors here for one time questions. But never one for "What do I tell someone who just broke up and never plans on having kids because it's too much work to do as a single parent?" It's just a little strange...<br><br>
And I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt, but your second post made things even more incongruous. Started with, "Meaning outside of parenting" (which naturally exludes all of us, because we ARE parents) to "Meaning outside of a relationship" which just presumes an awful lot about single folk and single parents. Sheesh, perhaps your sister just needs to have a sister who will accept her as a full person regardless of whether she has a partner or not!! Aren't there a lot more important things in life than whether you're married? Is that really what you're asking us, how can we BEAR not being MARRIED????<br><br>
I'd really suggest you look elsewhere for this...<br><br>
Jennifer
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>KC in KS</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">When I thought of the folks over here. That you all might have gone through a period of "What's my life for?". That narrow the question enough?</div>
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I can't say I have. Leaving the relationship with my husband and becoming a single mom has allowed me to focus more on being a mom. I feel like my life calling is to be a mom. I don't think that many single moms have the free time to ponder what their life is for, we tend to run on auto-pilot a lot doing all we can to help our children have a great life.<br><br>
It sounds like your sister is just upset over ending the relationship. It is normal to have feelings of dissapointment when a major relationship ends. It sounds like she could benefit from having some time alone so she can "find herslef" so to speak. Maybe she would benefit from taking up a new hobby. It could keep her occupied and maybe she'll meet some nice people along the way.
 

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i agree this isnt the best place to find answers to your original question...spirituality, personal growth or tao...maybe even another board, one for herself where she can explore herself and her life...being there as a support is the most important thing you could do imo, she is going to have to walk her path and figure things out for herself like we all need to do.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>KC in KS</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">When I thought of the folks over here. That you all might have gone through a period of "What's my life for?". That narrow the question enough?<br><br>
KC</div>
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just because we are single mamas it doesnt mean we are lost without or want to be in a relationship...been there, done that (many of us)...my life has so much meaning regardless of being in a relationship...actually it has more now than it did when i was bogged down in the bad relationship i was in...your sisters situation and my own feel worlds apart to me.<br><br>
blessings~~
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>KC in KS</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Hope you don't mind me barging in here unannounced, but I'm hoping you might have some wisdom I can pass along to my sister. She's just walked out of a relationship she had high hopes was leading to marriage, and now she's facing an over-30 birthday with no prospect of love/family in the future. She's feeling like the next 50 years are pretty well pointless. She's alone. There's no one (outside of myself and our family) who loves her, whose life she makes better.<br><br>
She's not a mama, and has decided from observing the work it takes for DH and I to raise our daughter that she doesn't want to become a single parent.<br><br>
I can see she needs a "purpose" - one that doesn't involve career success, but a way to positively relate to people. I just don't know how to tell her to find that.<br><br>
Any body have any thoughts for her or me?<br><br>
TIA!<br>
KC</div>
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no thoughts, other than that you sound like my sister talking about me! (or me talking about me.)<br>
She should just do what she loves. Maybe interview people in assisted living facilities and writing their life stories for their families for for themselves, volunteering somewhere. Something to take the focus off of herself and put it on others, and good things will flow from that.
 

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Your Sister just needs some time. She is grieving. She might think<br>
a lot of things right now that in time will seem silly. The comment<br>
about what are the next 50 years for? That is standard breakup<br>
thinking.<br><br>
I am 30, and single. I am also a Mama. I am also a musician. I<br>
am funny, and silly, and beautiful, and strong. And I am SINGLE,<br>
(yep I said it twice) never been married, not in a relationship, not<br>
dating, and I don't think about it much.<br><br>
Even if my life wasn't filled with the love and life of my dd (which<br>
takes up most of my time) I still would be living. I would still be<br>
myself. I imagine I would also be single. I spent a lot of time in<br>
relationships from age 15-25. The last five years of my life I have<br>
learned more about me from being single. I have never been one<br>
to define my life from the outside.<br><br>
A relationship should be a bonus for your life, not your life. My hope<br>
for your Sister is that she can learn more about herself. I feel so<br>
sad thinking about her believing that there is nothing left to life just<br>
because of some guy. It's actually really depressing me.<br><br>
My friends are always trying to fix me up. They are well meaning.<br>
They want to see me happy. What they sometimes don't realize is<br>
I AM HAPPY.<br><br>
Hey if the worst thing that happens to me in my life is that I never<br>
get married I am one lucky lady.
 

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"no man is an island"<br><br>
she's cant stay like that for years. this is not the end of everything.<br>
i believe sh'es not the only person wh is experiencing such things.<br>
its not yet too late.<br>
she's still young (30 is still young, right?)<br>
there are still lot of things to happen to her in the near future.<br>
dont let dissapointments and ill thinkings pull her down.<br><br><br>
she needs to go out and have fun.<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 
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