Mothering Forum banner

1 - 11 of 11 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
999 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
<p>my nephew was born an angel earlier this week. i can't find the right words to put in a card for his parents. i know to use R's name when referring to him (it's a wonderful name, too) but i don't know how to convey what i'm feeling. any suggestions on what to say, and more importantly, what NOT to say? i'm not christian, R's mom is, but is not overly religious and does not believe that such things are part of gods plan.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
746 Posts
<p>There really isn't anything that can take away their pain.  Just let them know you are there for themd, ask them what they need.  Don't forget, also, that Mama gave birth...physically and emotionally, she needs help.  Maybe, if that's possible, simply offer them some healthy nourishing dishes?</p>
<p>My sympathies to you and your family. </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
25,599 Posts
<p>"I'm so sorry.  I have no words."</p>
<p><br>
Honestly - the biggest thing is that they know you're thinking of them. If you're nearby, ask what you can do to help, or - if you're close enough - just call/knock on the door, and say, "hey - brought you guys some dinner" or "can I do a couple loads of laundry/pick up your living room/whatever?".</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I hated anything that smacked of "he's in a better place" or "it could be worse" (eg. at least you have other children type comments). But, every single card, email, phone call, whatever that I got helped a little bit, and I treasure them all, 4.5 years later.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
999 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
<p>i sent her a card today. in it i just wrote "there is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world.. Remembering R and wishing you strength and healing. love, our names."</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
352 Posts
<p>I know OP has already sent the card, but as a mama whose son died at term, I can speak from my own experience.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I searched and searched for someone to say something that would ease the pain.  I would tear open cards (I think we got like 500?) and I hated getting them, b/c of course, I wanted my son, not cards- but I would tear them open searching for something that might be written on the page to speak to my broken heart.  Most of them said, "Blahblah blah- thinking of you in this time of grief".  They were all variation of the same sentiment.  Something general, halmark-like.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Turned out nothing could ease the pain, but what helped the most, what was meaningful (and still is, honestly), was when someone would actually write.  Long writing, not just a one liner.  A few people actually took time to imagine being us, to talk about their own feelings of grief, confusion, pain.  They added feelings about what it was to watch us go through complete destruction as a family. They may have shared how Trace had touched them, how they were longing to see this child grow.  Those were the cards I cherished and would read again and again because I could feel that what happened mattered... really mattered... and that I was not completely alone, that others could feel, and were feeling the loss as well.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So to those of you who have to support someone in the wake of the tragic loss of a child, perhaps you can share some of yourself with the family.  Make the loss real and felt.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
999 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
<p>hugs ariahsmum!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>i kept the card short because i knew i would be talking to her, and i did, for quite some time. talked about how hard it must be to say goodbye, gave her advice on how to deal with the discomfort when her milk came in, asked what he looked like, let her know i would like to see pictures, etc.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>i am also trying to find a flower to plant in my garden for him. i may just plant really bright annuals this year and plant crocuses for next year, they were blooming on his birthday.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>i'm not sure if any of this would help but that's what i want to do for my nephew.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
352 Posts
<p>I think anything you do, everything you do helps.  It keeps alive your nephew, their son, in a certain way, and it also shows support to the parents.  Many many people won't speak of him in the future.  Planting flowers, taking a picture, sending them and saying "These are for....." makes a difference.  I have a few people that still remember my son to me- and it is very important.  ANd very painful when certain people do not.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
 
  • Like
Reactions: Storm Bride

·
Registered
Joined
·
792 Posts
<p> </p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>ariahsmum</strong> <a href="/community/t/1351095/finding-the-right-words-re-nephew#post_16957658"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br><p>I know OP has already sent the card, but as a mama whose son died at term, I can speak from my own experience.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I searched and searched for someone to say something that would ease the pain.  I would tear open cards (I think we got like 500?) and I hated getting them, b/c of course, I wanted my son, not cards- but I would tear them open searching for something that might be written on the page to speak to my broken heart.  Most of them said, "Blahblah blah- thinking of you in this time of grief".  They were all variation of the same sentiment.  Something general, halmark-like.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Turned out nothing could ease the pain, but what helped the most, what was meaningful (and still is, honestly), was when someone would actually write.  Long writing, not just a one liner.  A few people actually took time to imagine being us, to talk about their own feelings of grief, confusion, pain.  They added feelings about what it was to watch us go through complete destruction as a family. They may have shared how Trace had touched them, how they were longing to see this child grow.  Those were the cards I cherished and would read again and again because I could feel that what happened mattered... really mattered... and that I was not completely alone, that others could feel, and were feeling the loss as well.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So to those of you who have to support someone in the wake of the tragic loss of a child, perhaps you can share some of yourself with the family.  Make the loss real and felt.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
</div>
</div>
<p> </p>
<p><br>
Thank you for sharing this. I have close friends who buried their baby on Monday. I have been thinking about a long letter I would like to write to them, but was afraid it might be "too much." I have been especially concerned that acknowledging and expressing my own grief might be selfish, since their loss and grief are obviously so much greater than mine. But your words make me reconsider. I am thinking about how I can share their joy and sorrow in a heartfelt and real way.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I am grateful to all the courageous mamas who walk the path of grief and have the strength to share their experiences.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
25,599 Posts
<p> </p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>ariahsmum</strong> <a href="/community/t/1351095/finding-the-right-words-re-nephew#post_16959168"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br><p>I think anything you do, everything you do helps.  It keeps alive your nephew, their son, in a certain way, and it also shows support to the parents.  Many many people won't speak of him in the future.  Planting flowers, taking a picture, sending them and saying "These are for....." makes a difference.  I have a few people that still remember my son to me- and it is very important.  ANd very painful when certain people do not.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
</div>
</div>
<p> </p>
<p>This is so, so true. So many people seem to have just comletely forgotten that Aaron existed (I guess because, to them, he didn't). It's hard to deal with. I have one friend (childless - you never know) who remembers every single year. It means a lot to me. People very rarely ever mention him, which I can handle. What I can't handle is the people who obviously wish that I wouldn't talk about him. (I don't do so very much, anyway.)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Honestly...for anyone trying to comfort a loved one, I'd say don't count on having the right answer, because it's going to be different for everybody. And, try to remember that, if they don't respond well, it's not necessarily about you. The early stages of this kind of grief really are <em>crazy</em>....seriously crazy. I remember thinking that I was actually going out of my mind and would end up in an institution or something. But, I didn't. It got better. It didn't really get good, and I'll never stop missing him, but I'm not operating on a completely whacked-out level, anymore. I know many of my reactions weren't what I would have thought they'd be, if I'd ever thought about it.</p>
 
  • Like
Reactions: CI Mama

·
Registered
Joined
·
792 Posts
<p>Storm Bride, thank you, as always, for being so articulate about your experience. It is so very helpful to get some insight into this thing that so few go through, and even fewer ever talk about openly. I am once again reminded of your courage.</p>
 
1 - 11 of 11 Posts
Top