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My child had a hard time and I feel sick since then, my husband and I took her to school walked her in the classroom sat with her for a moment (like all the other parents) my husband had to rush out because he had to be to work, I am sahm, anyway, when I said goodbye to her she clung to me so hard like never before, her little arms around my neck and her legs on my waist and trembled and cried, the teacher invited me to take as much time as needed to calm her, the class was small that day as they did a staggered start week with k kids, so I reassured my daughter I would stay while she got used to things a little bit and she did fine as long as she knew I was there, I stayed up until lunch time, I planned to go after she ate her lunch thinking maybe she would feel better after she ate, well the teacher finally said I should go as well as the principal, I guess I overstayed my welcome, the teacher enlisted the help of a cafeteria hall monitor??? whatever to intrevene upon my departure well when I said goodbye to my daughter in the hallway the women grabbed my daughters upper arm (hard) and pulled her away from me, my daughter was screaming for her to let her go . (gutteral screams), I said goodbye to my dd but she did not hear she was screaming so hard, I , just had to turn and walk away, I felt like I was going vomit, why did I not go back there and take her away from that women and bring her home, I was as scared as my daughter was. Well the teacher (whom I like very much bless her heart) called to tell me my daughter had a 45 minute temper tantrum on the rug, kicking and flailing her arms and screaming to the teacher that noone was paying attention to her, finally my daughter calmed down and was okay and joined the rest of the class for an activity, teacher is willing to work with me on these issues and thinks daughter will be fine btw, daughter has no preschool experience and there hasn't been alot of parent/child seperation, when I picked up my dd that afternoon she seemed okay, but not very talkative, she did ask me why I did not hug and kiss her goodbye when I left and I told her I honestly couldn't because she would have clung on to me to leave school and that she needed to stay there etc.... anyway, she seems like a different child to me since then, she is acting out and a little distant I give her love and praise but it is not making a difference one way or the other, she knows she has to go back to school on Monday, however, I am dreading this, I also need to get over this guilt about how I handled things as she may be picking up on it. Do I send her back to a place that she is so scared of? will she have another tantrum? is she really ready. anyone have any advice for me? thanks my heart is torn in two.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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Sorry your first day was so rough. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I don't mean to sound dismissive or anything, but you might have better luck posting in the Learning at School forum -- this is the homeschooling forum. There might be some people here who started their kids in school before homeschooling who had a similar experience and who can sympathize, but you'll likely have more responses in the school forum.<br><br>
Best of luck with everything.
 

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awww BIG hugs to you mama. your post made me literally cry right along with you two. i'm so sorry the first day of school was such a terrible experience for you all. i don't have any advice really because my advice is very skewed toward homeschooling of course. if it were me, i'd not send her back - but i can't say that is the best choice for you or her, yk? you need to do what is best for your family and for your daughter....... and only you know in your heart what that decision is. i'm giving you a big cyber hug though. i acted a lot like your dd when i was a child. i really had extreme anxiety over having to attend school and leave my mom.<br><br>
to help me, my mom would tape a picture of her and my dad in my pencil box so i could look at them when i was homesick. she also served as the classroom mom, so she was there every week helping. in addition, she wrote me special notes in my lunchbox. maybe some of these suggestions would help your sweet little girl too?? my advice is extremely biased to homeschooling so i'll not say too much, but if your dd doesn't improve - perhaps an alternative plan is needed. is homeschool an option you would consider? hugs mama.
 

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A lot depends on the temperament of your child. Both of mine were eager to start kindergarden and both had no problem saying goodbye to me (in fact I was the one crying when the bus drove away, not them). Dd has liked school most of the time and is now 8. Ds started saying he did not want to go to school about 2 mths. into kindergarden last year. This year I will be keeping him home.<br><br>
With dd I didn't notice a behaviour change when school started but with ds I definitely did. I heard the dreaded words "I hate you" for the first time <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> He also seemed to misbehave more often and be more angry more often for lack of a better word. He has always been a mix of very sensitive and very stubborn (difficult combo for sure), but after starting school and also after a sleep-over at grandma's and grandpa's I remember thinking that he seemed so much angrier about things that didn't go his way.<br><br>
So to answer your question, I do think in a lot of cases school can change a child's behaviour for better or for worse. I also think how they react to going to school depends a lot on their temperament.<br><br>
I run a home daycare so I can tell you that children react in all different ways to be left by mom or dad for the first time (or even for the second, third...time). I have had children that never cried once when mom or dad dropped them off and other children that took months to adjust. I don't mean crying constantly, but wanting to be held constantly (God bless slings!), being glued to my leg, not wanting to be in a different room than me, even if I had to go to the bathroom lol. *Most* of my daycare children would settle down and stop crying within 30 seconds-5 mins. after mom or dad drove away as long as I cuddled them and got them involved in an activity with me. However I just had a little girl who started with me and the one day she was here she cried when mom left but stopped 5 mins. later. She cried for mom one other time that morning but was fairly easily distracted. The second day she came though she didn't cry when mom left but cried once for her that morning briefly and then right around 11:30 she cried for mom again but wasn't consolable so after a short while I called mom and said she was having a rough time and she might want to pick her little one up for the day and we could try again another day. I would NEVER let a child cry for their parent for 45 mins. without calling the parent.<br><br>
Because I am a childcare provider I can also say that if you decide you absolutely will leave your child with a provider (whether daycare or school system) it is much easier for you and your child if you make the goodbye quick. The first few times I have a daycare child I usually have the parent stay. Then I have the parent leave for a couple of hours a few times. But once the initial visits are over it is best not to linger long. Coming in briefly to acclimate your child and make them aware that you are comfortable with the provider is a-ok. But lingering at the door while your child clings and cries makes things harder for you both. The majority of my daycare children that do cry (many of them don't) when mom or dad drop them off will stop crying before mom or dad has even pulled out of the driveway. I regularly tell parents to call in 5 mins. to check up if they are concerned and it makes me feel better when parents "forget" something and come back in the house to get it and realize their child had stopped crying already <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
With your daughter it sounds like she is very sensitive to new situations so it may take a long time for her to adjust. There is really nothing she needs that she would missing out on in K though so you could always keep her home if you and she both are having trouble with goodbyes. I have a friend that brought her dd for the JK orientation and told the teacher she wanted to be called if her daughter was upset and the teacher told her the kids will adjust. She decided to homeschool because she wanted to be called if her daughter needed her. My son on the other hand had no problem saying goodbye and had a wonderful JK teacher, but still did not want to go to school after the first couple of months so even when all the "ducks are in a row" sometimes keeping them home is still the best option.
 

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<span><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I'm so sorry. It must have been horrible.<br><br>
I don't know what to tell you. She very well may be too young. Or it might not be something that suits her well. Or it could be temporary. Or, or, or...<br><br>
My son also cried the first morning he started kindergarten. The day was only a few hours long - and I think he was probably fine after I left - he had enjoyed preschool. But it just about killed me. He ended up being okay with it after that day - but I always wished I had known about homeschooling then and just kept him home.<br><br>
I can certainly understand how you feel and why you're concerned, and it sounds as if it was seriously mishandled by the school! Maybe you can talk with her over the weekend, though, and ask her what parts she liked - maybe being able to bring some of it home could make her feel a stronger connection between home and there. But homeschooling is pretty wonderful for an awful lot of people - I'd certainly give it some consideration if you feel drawn to it.<br><br>
Take a look at my website and see it there are some articles that help sort out your feelings - although, they're all pro-homeschooling... - Lillian</span>
 

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I can't imagine how that must have felt. I pretty much second what the others said. She might be too young. Or, unless they've changed it, kindergarten is not mandatory. There is no law saying she has to go to kindergarten as far as I know. (though I've not looked recently)<br><br>
But it is also very possible that she will adjust and that maybe doing what elizawill suggested will help. I used to work at church in the preschool department and I remember this one kid, came all the time, knew us all quite well, but would still cry at 4 yr old when his mom left him. I figured out that if I asked him if he could stay with me for just 5 minutes, he would stop crying, so okay, and go play. Before the 5 minutes were up he was so engrossed in whatever he was doing that he was fine.<br><br>
I would suggest trying it a little longer. If she just truly cannot handle it, then I would seriously consider homeschooling.<br><br>
Crystal
 

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While I'm sorry this was difficult, why is this is the Learning and Beyond forum? I'd have thought this post more for the Learning at School forum. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/headscratch.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="headscratch">
 

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It sounds like that was a difficult separation for both of you. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
While the teacher and principal may have ideas of how things should be done, based on their experience with other kids, you know your child better than they do. Follow your heart. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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This story is one of the reasons I homeschool. My DS is sensitive just like your DD and I know that the seperation would produce anxiety in him that I'm not willing to make him face. However, if you are posting this here wondering if you should homeschool I would encourage you to give it a try. It is scary to take that first step but very worth it for you and your children if you can work it out. We'll all be glad to help you with that if you need it.
 

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<span>It occurred to me later that you might find some helpful things in the National Home Education Network's website too. Their <a href="http://www.nhen.org/newhser/default.asp?id=227" target="_blank">"Thinking about Homeschooling"</a> section has quite a few interesting articles. - Lillian<br></span>
 

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I'm so sorry for your dd and you. I can share my experience when my dd went to a pre-preschool program. At the time I was working full time and my mom took care of her and I signed her up for a two day per week, 2.5 hour per day program, mostly to give my mom a break. She was 2.5 yrs old. There were 7 kids and one teacher, and I was the only working mom there, the others were all stay at home. I dropped her off and my mom picked her up.<br><br>
My dd clung to me as well, and the teacher always encouraged me to go, saying she would be fine, but I never did (but some of the stay-at-home mom's did). In fact, I was the only mom who would stay. She would eventually be fine and let me go, so I would, so it didn't go on as long of a duration in one day as it did for your dd, but it did occur over the course of several weeks, although there were days when she didn't want me to stay at all, then other days I would stay 30 minutes or so.<br><br>
My dd never did preschool again until Jan of 2007 as she was turning 5. She was on a waiting list for a great play-based preschool at a nature center, and got in for the last half of the year. The teachers couldn't believe how on the first day she ran in and never looked back. I like to think that my having stayed with her when she needed it contributed to her being able to leave without looking back, but who really knows, all kids are different.<br><br>
I hope things get better for you both if you decide to keep her in K. I personally do not believe any child should be left by their parent like that. I totally understand the pressure being put on you by those "in charge" at the school, but I hope you will stay with your dd as long as she needs you to and not get pushed out by them. If they absolutely try to throw you out, take your dd with you. Kindergarten just isn't nearly as important as your dd.<br><br>
Best wishes,<br>
Tracy
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I can't even imagine how hard that must have been. I'm curious why you chose not to follow your instict and bring her home with you?
 

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That's so tough. I did a year of K with my son in public school (at 5 yrs old). He cried A LOT. Your school sounds wonderful, though. I was not allowed into the building to walk him to class, I was certainly not allowed to stay and they didn't stagger the start of K for the kids. So the first day of school I walked Trevor to the front of the building and he clung to me and screamed and cried and the teacher came out and took his hand and guided him to the room. I know he cried off and on the first day. He had preschool the yesr before and did the same thing.<br><br>
I was horribly torn over his first year of school. My husband was insistent that he not quit school, that it would send a bad message, and we needed to give it some time. So the first couple months were HARD! And I kept him home from school a couple times because I just couldn't take the crying and sobbing as we put on shoes to walk out the door. He cried EVERYTIME I dropped him off for like 2 months. For the first month the teacher would have to get him and lead him to his classroom. Then he would cry until we got to the building and he would walk in himself. Our biggest obstacle was dropping him off. I wanted to drop him off at the kiss and ride instead of walking him to the door. I have 3 children and finding a place to park and walking him in everyday sometimes took over 30 minutes. So that was my longterm goal. After a couple months, Trevor wasn't crying about school but he was really negative about it. He HATED going, HATED his day, HATED his teacher. He was always angry and negative. I started asking him what he LIKED about his day and we wrote a list of something to look forward to each day (library day and computer day were the best two days of the week!). So when he started to be negative, that's what I would try to turn the topic to. Eventually that worked! He slowly became more positive about school- he was still neutral about going, don't get me wrong. He didn't MISS school when he wasn't there- but he would wake up and get excited to have computer time and see some friends he had made. I also joined him for lunch every Wednesday and his dad joined him every Friday for pizza day at lunch.<br><br>
Then, our biggest milestone, one day on the way to school he said "Mommy, I think you can drop me off at the Kiss and Ride this morning." And he got out of the car on his own and walked into the building! But it took really until right before Christmas Break for things to get so much easier. I was nervous we would be back at square one after break, but he went back to school just fine. Now, obviously, because I saw your post here, I am a homeschooler now. I told Trevor during his K year that he could homeschool next year, but he had to finish his first year (not my first choice- I wanted to pull him asap, a compromise with my husband). So, even though he liked school by the middle of the year, he still wanted to homeschool and we are doing it this year (there are other reasons I am, too, of course).<br><br>
So that's my experience, in case it helps you at all. Our school transistion was TOUGH! Definitely so emotionally draining and I felt like a horrible mom, walking away from him while he was sobbing and crying for me. I had many many talks with his teacher and she said that he was having fun during the day, and after a few weeks, he had stopped crying by the time he got to the classroom in the morning. He had friends at school and was well liked (as far as I could tell in the lunch room!) even though his attitude was negative about school at home.<br><br>
The one thing I don't know if I should attribute to school or age was a new found independence. He had always been very attached, to the point of hating new situations, not liking a babysitter to come to the house, whining a lot if I was at a playgroup and speaking with other moms because the attention wasn't on him. He was loathe to speak to anyone who asked his name- he would refuse to answer anyone at all. When he went to school, he was just as attached but so much more independent! It's like he learned he could function quite well without me thankyouverymuch and was able to run off and actually play with some friends without needing me to be there to negotiate the interacting, or watching or being right within 2 feet of him. I'm not trying to plug school in the homeschooling forum, but it was sooo nice <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/duck.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Duck">: !!<br><br>
So if homeschooling is not an option, starting school is very tough, but it does get better. It might take half the year and tons of emotional support from the teacher and from friends/husband, but it really does get better. I hope my really long experience helps you. Your dd just sounded kind of similar to my son starting school. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/innocent.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shy">
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I feel horrible for not putting my arms around her and kissing her, It was one of those moments where I failed her miserably, my own fears and anxiety from my traumatic childhood surfaced and I am considering professional help as this cannot happen again, my childs emotional health and well being is what matters and I do not want my own issues to get in the way, I breastfed, coslept, non-vax'd, etc....with my daughter, and the fact that I naturally did not gravitate at that moment in time, has opened a new door
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>coffeehouse</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9002555"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I feel horrible for not putting my arms around her and kissing her, It was one of those moments where I failed her miserably, my own fears and anxiety from my traumatic childhood surfaced and I am considering professional help as this cannot happen again, my childs emotional health and well being is what matters and I do not want my own issues to get in the way, I breastfed, coslept, non-vax'd, etc....with my daughter, and the fact that I naturally did not gravitate at that moment in time, has opened a new door</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 
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