[leavesarebrown]

Just returned from a playdate w/ a non-AP but also SAH mom & 2 kids from our church totally frustrated by the not-too-thinly-veiled suggestions (throughout the whole visit) that I ought to leave my kids (in general, and w/ her specifically) more often. We have several friends we swap with or feel otherwise comfortable leaving our children with as need arises, but even if we didn't EVER leave our children, why is it any of her business? And what do I say w/out being rude, defensive, or judgmental in return?

She and I attempted a babysitting swap arrangement over a year ago (when we each had one child) which I ended when it became apparent that she wasn't interested in a reciprocal arrangment. I'd watched her son once, she'd watched mine three times yet resisted offers of further sitting by me--even saying "let's not keep 'score'." She once even told me of a bad babysitter experience SHE had as a kid and wondered if anything like that was preventing me from leaving my son more. I said no, but asked if it were an issue for her, which she denied.

:

I wouldn't mind never seeing this woman again, but our 3 1/2-yr-old sons have lots in common, happen to really like each other, play well together, and ask to see eachother often. So if we're going to keep getting together, I've got to say SOMETHING!

 

[captain optimism]

"Thanks for offering! That's so nice of you. We're all set for the next while though. Read any good books lately?"

That's polite, eh?

 

[kama'aina mama]

Hhmm... I wonder if what she is actually trying to say is that she has noticed what you have. That the kids love to see each other but you and she have little to say to one another and are never gonna be 'best friends 4 ever!' so she is trying to arrange a 'playdate' without having to make social nice nice with you the whole while.

 

[L.J.]

I used to find that moms who said things like that to me, were moms that felt really overloaded & trapped by their parenting. I really believe comments like that have more to do with the person making them than the person they're talking to.

I used to just smile & say, "oh, thanks, I really enjoy being with my kids & when I feel we need a break, I usually take one."

 

[leavesarebrown]

I guess it runs deeper than the childcare-swapping issue. Because of her other persistent and not subtle criticisms of almost all of my other parenting choices (co-sleeping, anti-CIO, co-parenting, home birth, alternative med, extended breastfeeding, homeschool ruminations...), I CAN'T honestly say that I think it's nice of her to offer (and offer, and offer, and offer) when I've already clearly indicated that I'm not interested. Her offers aren't "nice"--they're OBNOXIOUS! Because they come in tandem with other "hints" about "healthy" independence, separation, marriage (which I do NOT consider her marriage to be a prime example of!), and my "overattachment" to my kids... Yes, we clearly have chosen different paths, but I'm not constantly hinting that she's psychologically unheathy to her children because of her choices! And I have so little respect for the supposedly "subtle" approach. I'd much prefer she actually own her criticisms and judgments!

Maybe she does feel the same as I do. In fact, a couple previous visits I felt like she'd invited a mutual friend over at the same time as a "shield", which really annoyed me. But there are other possibilities. Maybe she's upset about it because she knows that I leave the kids with others and not with her and that bugs her. Maybe she wanted my son over to occupy her son so she can get stuff done, and when I stay, she feels the need to stick around and entertain me. But whatever the reason, I shouldn't have to guess or make assumptions. I'd appreciate a little more honesty! Guess I need to ask her why she's so concerned about my not leaving him with her, or why she wants to keep getting the boys together when she's so clearly uncomfortable around me!

And perhaps I need to decide if I would be willing to swap if she really is interested in a reciprocal arrangement this time, or if I'm ready to cut bait, my son's interests notwithstanding. Like he's not picking up on the mixed messages from her anyway!

 

[mothernurture]

I agree with LJ's thoughts that your friend's comments have everything to do with her rather than you... her own feelings of insecurity about her parenting choices, (perhaps the state of her marriage), etc...

Continue to be the intuitive mother that you are and only commit to what feels right to you, for your needs and the needs of your son.

Any possibility the two boys might meet up in the same preschool class or other interaction that would allow them to continue to be friends without their moms having to socialize in a close proximity?

 

[leavesarebrown]

Looks like we were on at the same time. Your response is great! I know it's more a reflection of her and where she's at. You're much more highly evolved than I am, though, at being able to just leave it alone! And especially since I've made the mistake of thinking that we could continue to commisserate about the difficult aspects of parenting and marriage without using the difficulties against eachother as "proofs" that our chosen "way" is supreme!

 

[leavesarebrown]

hmm... that's an idea. Her son's going to a religious preschool that I'm not interested in, but maybe another "class" of some kind... I still want her to be more direct! But realize that can't be forced. Perhaps I mostly want ME to be more direct with HER. I just didn't want to do that in a way that would jeopardize opportunities for my son, who is rather shy as it is, as is her son.

 

[leavesarebrown]

well, I emailed and said I was a bit confused since I'd gotten mixed messages about her desire to continue our friendship and she replied saying she's never been disinterested and perhaps I'd misread her distraction by other issues as disinterest. She also said she doesn't mind our different parenting styles... So, we're gonna make another go of it... Thanks for the input, all! We'll see how it goes!