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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
For those of us who have lost a twin but went on to carry their surviving twin, did you journal this(the loss) part of the pregnancy? I am starting to journal for my baby but thoughts of the twin that passed always come to mind and I wonder if I want to add that to the journal or just keep it in my heart and talk to the surviving twin about it someday ..or not at all?....<br>
anyone want to share what they have done?<br>
Thank you.....
 

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I have never lost a twin, but I think in your position I would add it to the journal. You want to honor the baby you lost while still planning for the baby you are going to have, and that is lovely. I hope that you can find a special way of telling your surviving twin about their lost sibling. Maybe a small entry in the journal and a special picture would help. I know you will find some way of making this work. Just so you know I told my son when his sister died. I felt like I had to because I had told him we would be having a baby. I also took him to her funeral. I think I would have told him even if I had miscarried much earlier, but I may not have made such a big deal about it. I try to remind him of his sister frequently so he will grow up remembering her.
 

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I lost a twin at 13 weeks. I wasn't journaling but I guess my answer sort of depends on whether the journal is just for you or the "story of how you grew" for your new one. My dd told me she was a twin when she was 2.5. I asked her about it and she told me that there was a baby inside me with her. She's never mentioned it again. She's 3.5 and asks a lot about her gestation. (My dp is pregnant with our second.) I have chosen not to talk about the twin.<br><br>
I have saved an early u/s picture of my "disappeared twin" and a set of plastic keys someone gave us two of when we announced the twin pregnancy at 12 weeks. I'll share them with dd when she's older.<br><br>
Peace to you.
 

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I don't know if my experience would be of help to you or not, but here goes <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> .<br><br>
My twin sister died two weeks after our 20th birthday. Obviously this is a different grieving experience as the surviving twin b/c we did have many years together. I joined an organization after Lin died called "Twinless Twins." Although most of us had lost our twins as children or adults & not in utero, there were a few individuals who belonged to the organization who had lost their twins in utero. Most of us tended to feel that their loss was nowhere near the same as ours, but it was something that they seemed to grieve over none the less.<br><br>
I don't know if the parents of the surviving twins who lost a twin in utero made too big of a deal about it & thus created a grief that didn't need to be, or if it was something that they came to on their own. However, as chfriend mentions, her dd seems to know that she was a twin anyway. There is bonding that goes on in utero & your surviving baby may sense that part of her is missing. It doesn't need to be something that you make a big deal about the tragedy of, but I feel that it would somehow invalidate the child's feelings to never tell her that s/he was a twin. It would probably make me feel a bit crazy to sense that I was a twin & have my parents deny it or never tell me.<br><br>
I'm sure that you can come up with a positive way to tell your surviving baby in your journal how s/he was a twin & that the other baby left before they arrived & that s/he carries a part of the other baby in his/her heart. That they are still together is spirit, if that makes sense.
 

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Whew, this is hard to read! It's been almost three years since I miscarried Kai's twin and it still makes me tear up when I think of it. I thought it would get easier in time. I don't mean that I dwell on it but it will sneak up on me.<br><br>
Well, I don't know that I'll ever write it in his baby book. I'll tell him when he's older. I did finally journal it in my pregnancy journal and he'll be welcome to read that. It actually felt good to put it on paper, to acknowledge that it happened. Labor started about two days later.<br><br>
July 15 and 21 were the days with the worst of the bleeding and cramps. July 15 in particular is always kind of rough BUT this year my dear friend's first baby is due the 24. So there's lots of happy things going on with her shower, birth blessing, and of course the birth. I'm so happy that all these wonderful things will build on top of the bad memories of that July. Umm, I'm sorry. Is it weird that I said all that?<br><br>
Is there anything else you want to talk about?
 

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I lost a triplet in my first pregnancy. I will tell the boys when theyare older probably but I don't discuss it much now (unless it comes up )
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks everyone for your replys<br>
I am sorry for all the losses you each have experienced I appreciate you all sharing your experiences.<br>
My firstborn son(newly 4y/o) has been saying the baby is a sister for about 2 months before we even conceived. When we lost the twin(he knew I was growing two babies at the time) he said a few days after we found out the twin had passed(and we had not told him yet) that the one baby had went back to live with baby Jesus.<br><br>
Even today, after I posted this, dh and ds were talking about what the sex of the baby maybe and dh asked him would it be o.k. if the baby came out a brother, and ds said very adomantely "Poppa this baby is a sister, someone else is going to have the brother." So am I reading to much into it...maybe...but it just seems the little ones do know...<br>
So yes, when the twin is older I may talk about it but I do not want to be such a focus like ChristaN said that it causes more harm than help. Thank you Christa for sharing your story BTW....<br>
If the surviving twin asks before I share,I will of course discuss it by all means.<br>
I think I will keep it in my heart.<br><br>
Again thanks to all of you for sharing- I know it is hard...<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug">
 

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Just a comment about surviving twins....<br><br>
My best friend lost her twin at birth...she always felt it was her fault. Her family never talked about it, never addressed it, but she has gone through her whole life feeling that loss. DO NOT ignore it! I think it causes more harm than good!<br><br>
every year on her birthday, I send her two vases of roses, pink for her, and yellow for her brother. I was the first person to aknowledge the fact that he wasnt there and it hurt her
 

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i don't know if this perspective will be of interest to you or not, but here goes...<br><br>
when i was pregnant with my second child, i was on the phone talking with my mother. i joked with her that the old wives tale of twins skipping a generation backfired on her... that her father was a twin, and her mother was a triplet, so she should have had twin babies to raise by that logic. she said, "oh, you were a twin. didn't you know?"<br><br>
i was completely, totally floored. what happened, apparently, was that the second baby died around the fifth month, and mummified (it's called fetus papyrus)... probably due to weight limit restrictions and the fact that she smoked. the day after i was born, she started cramping and bleeding... and delivered the second baby. the nurses wouldn't let her look at it, so she has no idea if it was a boy or girl.<br><br>
the fact that i was 27 before i knew this really bothered me. what bugged me even more was that my sister knew, but i didn't! when i asked my mom why she never told me, she said, "oh, it just made me sad to think about."<br><br>
i don't know. i still feel a little miffed that she never thought it was important enough to share with me, and that i had a sibling that i lost... and but for the grace of the Goddess, it could have been me that was lost! it really made me think hard about what my life could have been like...<br><br>
anyway, that's my story.<br><br>
hugs, katje
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Wow Katje <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
Thanks for sharing your story...I have much respect for you here at MDC you know....so anytime you post I am interested.... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br>
I will just have to wait until I feel the time is right or like I said if they ask before then I will tell the story.
 

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I lost a twin at 16 weeks gestation. baby "B" is my youngest dd, Victoria. I DID include the ultrasound pics of both of them and a story about the twin in Victoria's baby book. In my journaling, I talk about how sad we were at the loss, but how excited we were to be having her and how much we loved her... and I also mentioned how it is "just one of those things".... I don't want to make a big deal about it, but I do speak about it pretty openly with friends and aquaintences when the topic comes up... Since kids hear everything, I don't want it to seem like I am hiding a secret from her.<br><br>
Sorry about your loss, and congratulations on your upcoming birth!!!
 

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I miscarried dd's twin. It was an odd experience and I do always wonder about the other baby. Dd knows somewhat. We talk about the miscarriages and their stillborn sister very openly in our home. I didn't journal, but wish I had thought to do so at the time.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> to you.
 

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There is a possbility that I miscarried a twin when I was pregnant with Bethany. At the beginning of the pregnancy I was certain I was going to have twins, but around 9 weeks or so I passed a clot and went to the ER where they said it was a threatened miscarriage. They did an ultrasound and only saw one baby. Naturally the feeling of twins passed but after Bethany's birth the midwife commented on the shape of the placenta. She said it was a perfect heart shaped one-usually only seen in twin pregnancies. I often wonder if I was pg with twins and if that "clot" was actually the other baby passing. I get sad when I realize that I might be missing out on having another Bethany, since she is such a joyful baby.
 
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