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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
have sex before marriage.<br><br><br>
Me and dh dated for almost a year before we got married 9 months of that we were engaged. We did however have a physical relationship but it stopped shy of intercourse. Some days I wonder what difference it would have made to our relationship if we had. At the time what we did do was very satisfying and I looked forward to the actual act itself but now I wonder if it was only because I was curious and it would have felt that way with any man or if this was something special between dh and me.<br><br>
I only went out with 2 other guys before dh and only one date each because there was no attraction there. But the first time I saw dh I knew that there was defiantly some attraction there.<br><br>
I know that relationships are based on so much more than the physical side. But the intimate part of our lives has went steadily down hill since very shortly after we were married. I think part of the reason why is that it was so ingrained in me that sex before marriage was bad that I had a really hard time getting past that after we were married. To the point that I actually would get nauseaus during the act and have to ask dh to stop.<br><br>
I had a lot of misconceptions about it as well. The major one was I thought that intercourse itself should be enough for me to orgasim and it never has been. But we had been married almost a year before I gave up on that ever happening.<br><br>
I still feel that for the most part sex should be reserved for after marriage both for religious and personal reasons but there is that bit of doubt in the back of my mind. Would I have ended up marrying dh knowing that sex with him wasnt going to be nearly as fulfilling as I thought it was going to be?<br><br>
So do you think that by waiting to get married first it was the best decision?<br><br>
I just feel like I am alone that no one else has btdt. Right now it is really affecting our relationship and I worry that the rest of my life will be stuck here.<br><br>
We have been married 13yrs now.
 

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Have you talked to your hubby about this? There are things you can do in bed so that it is more satisfying. I guess its pretty typical to not be able to orgasm by penetration alone. You are hardly the only one.<br><br>
I think if everything else is great, then you can work on your sex life. Thats part of the fun even....learning and trying new things. After all, we have a life time of having sex with this person to look forward to....its important that we are open and honest about it and do what we can.<br><br>
I am not quite a btdt. I met hubby when I was almost 28 and had never had sex with a man before him. I KNEW the first time we met that we would get married and so did have sex with him before marriage. In know that in olden times, like bible days, you declared yourself married pretty much when you started having sex together.....and thats how I felt.<br><br>
I do wonder if things would feel different with another person, but dh is my soulmate and I know that it would never feel as good.<br><br>
I think this is something that you can improve if you work on it. You said there was lots of satisfying stuff before you were married.....do you do any of that now?<br><br>
Good luck!<br>
Rebecca
 

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I DID have sex before marriage (with more than a few guys). and I just have to reply because MOST women have trouble with orgasm during intercourse. I have on a handful of times. But its hard work and a learned skill. I do not think that you would have had this amazing sex life with someone else.... I really dont. Sex is good with my dh because I love him. I love to feel his body against mine. I love hearing his breath in my ear. I love the way he looks at me. It isnt all about the end result. Of course, the end is nice too! I think you need to talk to you dh about this and see if maybe you guys can work on making you "happy" in bed.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> mamma,<br><br>
That's an interesting question. Dh and I had sex before marriage, but he has been my only partner, and we waited until we where engaged, not for religious reasons, it just happened that way....<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">, not planed.<br><br>
I really don't know what to think, I certainly knew that our physical relationship was going to be wonderful before we committed to each other, but I think that I would have been able to tell that by having sexual contact short of intercourse.<br><br>
I think that perhaps in your situation you may have had preconceived notions of what intercourse should or should not be like. The best way to deal with this would be to sit down and discuss your feelings and needs with your dh, think about exactly what it is that makes you feel ill during intercourse, and try to come up with ways to overcome that. In my situation, having grown up in a household that was very open about sexuality, while also instilling an understanding of the emotional importance of the act, allowed me to have a good understanding of what I needed when interacting physically with dh. Good luck with everything, I have noticed that when the physical side of marriage is good it seems totally unimportant, but when it doesn't work it takes on major importance.
 

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Hi there. I definately had sex before marriage, but... I just had to tell you that I was sexually active for 11 years and barely had orgasms at all through any means and never through penetration alone.<br><br>
After all that (several boyfriends and one husband) my sex life took a bit of an upswing. At almost 30 I had my first orgasm with "just sex" and then met my now husband with whom all manner of sexual activity has been great. I am not entirely sure what to make of it, but practice on my part may be part of it, being very happy and having much stronger self-esteem may have helped as well. Finishing up therapy for childhood sexual abuse surely played a role as well. Since turning 30, almost a decade ago, it has just been getting better. My sis believes that some bodies just go together really well and that I just lucked out in finding my hubby, but I think it has a lot to do with my self-esteem, being able to ask for what i need and being comfortable in my skin and with sex itself.<br><br>
It does surprise me that after 13 years of practice things have not gotten better for you. It sounds like you have gotten over your initial discomfort with sex, but perhaps you have just buried some of those feelings? Have you considered therapy? It would be a safe place where you could explore those feelings and any others you have about sex and marriage and try to get to the bottom of all of it and get through it. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled, Dear. You really do.
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">So do you think that by waiting to get married first it was the best decision?</td>
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Yes. And I did think something was wrong until I found out that orgasm during intercourse takes a bit of work and isn't all that common with women. Sex has gotten better and better since we married (as we learn together), and in the meantime, dh knows how to take care of me other ways. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/loveeyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Loveeyes">:<br><br>
I guess I lucked out in the parent/church department because I never had to make the switch from "sex is bad" to "sex is good". The understanding I had was "Sex is great--save it for marriage and enjoy it then!" And boy was I ready to enjoy it when I finally got married. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thank you all for your replies. I knew that posting here would be a good idea since everyones views differ and it gives me food for thought. I have more than once considered counceling to try and figure things out.<br><br>
Luckily I no long have the nausea issue during sex <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bag.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Bag">: but I do disconect a lot. Like thinking aobut what I need to do or what will be on tv later <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"> I know I have issues and not all of them are dh's fault.<br><br>
We dont do the things we used to <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> The main reason I think is because we are usually in a hurry to get it over with so the risk of the kids waking isnt as great. I just dont feel the same way I used to about dh either. Not just the lovey feelings but some of his habits make me look at him with disgust. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> I dont see that changing any time soon becaue he isnt willing to change it. (He uses scoal, smokless tobacco, and is not clean with it. Right now sitting her looking around I can point out several spit cans <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/sick.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="sick">: but that is just part of the issue but it sure dosnt help diddly.<br><br>
Some things are because of having kids worrying about them waking up etc. and body image issues. It is really complicated that is for sure. When I sit down and try to think about the root of the problem I keep coming up with all kids of stuff that I feel are unresolved.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>gargirl</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7894497"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Hi there. I definately had sex before marriage, but... I just had to tell you that I was sexually active for 11 years and barely had orgasms at all through any means and never through penetration alone.<br><br>
After all that (several boyfriends and one husband) my sex life took a bit of an upswing. At almost 30 I had my first orgasm with "just sex" and then met my now husband with whom all manner of sexual activity has been great. I am not entirely sure what to make of it, but practice on my part may be part of it, being very happy and having much stronger self-esteem may have helped as well. Finishing up therapy for childhood sexual abuse surely played a role as well. Since turning 30, almost a decade ago, it has just been getting better. My sis believes that some bodies just go together really well and that I just lucked out in finding my hubby, but I think it has a lot to do with my self-esteem, being able to ask for what i need and being comfortable in my skin and with sex itself.<br><br>
It does surprise me that after 13 years of practice things have not gotten better for you. It sounds like you have gotten over your initial discomfort with sex, but perhaps you have just buried some of those feelings? Have you considered therapy? It would be a safe place where you could explore those feelings and any others you have about sex and marriage and try to get to the bottom of all of it and get through it. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled, Dear. You really do.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> to Melissa.... I hope you can reconnect with your hubby on an even deeper level than before.<br><br>
and this post makes me feel WAY better about my own issues!! There IS hope!
 

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Oh mama, I wouldn't want my man near me if he chewed that stuff. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">: So, this just isn't about *sex* is it? There's a lot more going on it seems...<br><br>
I've never been married and I'm quite free with my lovin' and seriously only three guys have made me be able to O regularily from intercourse itself. It's not just you. I do think that sex is a HUGE part of relationship. It keeps you satisfied and close to your partner. Maybe you can start doing a 'date night' of sorts? I really think you have to make time for it.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MCatLvrMom2A&X</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7897104"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Luckily I no long have the nausea issue during sex <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bag.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Bag">: but I do disconect a lot. Like thinking aobut what I need to do or what will be on tv later <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"> I know I have issues and not all of them are dh's fault.</div>
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I totally get the disconnection I don't see much reason to stay present if it is just for him all the time. In fact with out the interest it is pretty nauseating. I feel for you and hope you find an answer.<br><br>
BTW my dh is a wonderful person friend and a compassionate father I don't mean to dog on him so hard. This is just a HUGE issue for me.
 

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I am so glad that we waited. I think everyone has that "learning curve" and I really like that we learned together.<br><br>
It sounds like there is a lot more going on in your relationship. I hope you can figure out a way to get some counseling - maybe if he hears it from someone else it will help. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I think the most important thing for you to do sexually is to get more of that "outercourse" other stuff, either by itself or to get you really excited before intercourse. I am happily unmarried and have had other partners, but I have never been happy with intercourse ONLY. That is very normal for women. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> IME, most men like outercourse too if they don't have hangups about it being "not the real thing."<br><br>
It's also important to work out other issues with your husband so you feel more attracted to him. Chewing tobacco--blech!!! Maybe you could sit down with him and say, "These are a few things you could do to help me feel more attracted to you. Is there anything I do that's unsexy to you?" It's more likely to be effective if both of you are making changes for each other.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Good luck!
 

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Regarding the sex-- yes to what many others have said: we waited and learned together and a lot of the fun we have together is not textbook sexual intercourse. That's just one part of the whole slew of options we might pick from. And I definitely need other stuff to make it enjoyable, and yes worthwhile, for me. And DH totally gets this and devotes plenty of time to me in that way. And he digs it. So I dig it! And it's a cycle like that I suppose... I definitely went through periods of less interest, I think as some things became more usual <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> and yeah we've all been there, with other things running through our heads. One thing I think has helped is getting off the pill, b/c I seemed a lot more into it once I went off...<br><br>
But I think that's all well and good but you have other things to address that I hope will really help your overall relationship with your DH and your satisfaction in general. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Our wedding night was the first time for the both of us and we learned together. I have had passing thoughts like your having, but I think everyone has "what ifs" no matter what your situation is. I always like to think we have some extra magic because we were eachothers "firsts'I totally get what your saying about outside influences affecting the romantic side, housework, kids waking ect... I think its important to have some special time to reconnect even before any thing very sexual starts. I don't have a very hard time having O's, so can't comment much on that except that I've heard many times about it just being hard for some women. A nice glass of wine always helps when I think my mind will be wandering.
 
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