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for those who's DH is not AP...

315 Views 9 Replies 10 Participants Last post by  clane
How do you parent? I am interested in BF longer than a year (when I was pg, I would BF til 6 mos, now that she's 6 mos, its a year, at a year I have a feeling I will and she will still want to BF)

I also CD and DH doesnt like that

DH says that solids are good (you can read my story on the BF board about that!)

DH is pro-circ (which, I was not so against til reading and learning more about it. Now its like, WOAH, why would I hurt my BABY LIKE THAT!?)

Even my SIL who is totally not AP said she wouldnt circ her next son because her DS had to be circed THREE TIMES because it got messed up! Three times!!!! He was over a year old and they were still doing operations on him.

So.... how do you parent when your DH is not on board w/ AP?
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Can he back up his opinions with any facts? E.g. what does he think is good about solids, circ, etc? Has he seen any research supporting his position? My guess would be no. You, on the other, can support your views based on real facts and research and can likely articulate meaningful reasons for your views. Tell him that you are more than open to discussing these matters with him, but he has to come to the table with more than random, biased, uninformed opinions (sorry if that sounds harsh--don't mean it that way). Definitely allow him to make his case as well. It is preferable to decide these things together (he certainly should have a say in how you raise your child), but the decisions should be informed ones.
honestly, I pick and choose my battles. The things that I feel extremely strong about I will fight tooth and nail to get what I want other things I make compromises on.
Moving this to Parents as Partners
He doesn't practice AP (well his is no circ and no spank) but he's not supportive of my choices, although he accepts them. We talked a lot about this sort of thing before we got married, and honestly if he wasn't at least accepting then I probably never would have married him.
Yeah on choosing your battles. If I had to choose, I'd choose breastfeeding as my fight-to-the-death position, way above CD.

I did have to work to convince my dh that circ. was NOT for our baby - it was very tied for him with being unable to explore how deeply his parents' choices (to circumcize him, and many other things) might have hurt him. He was upset by the word "intact" for a long time. But I finally said that I could not handle anyone hurting my baby, and I could never believe that circ. was necessary or benign, and that he would have to respect my feelings on that. I don't think he'd change his mind now even if he could.

I also just sometimes do things that I think are legitimately within my sphere without consulting dh. Eating organic, for example, isn't high on his list, but I do most of the grocery shopping. He washes maybe one load in five of CD's, so what's it to him, you know? Ditto buying clothes second-hand - it's an earth-friendly choice, and he doesn't buy the kids' clothes anyway.

We're both looking forward to the night when ds sleeps alone through the night (he was occasionally until all his remaining teeth came in at once.) But until then, I bring him to our bed at his first night waking, and dh is just too asleep to care.

What's that expression... it's easier to get forgiveness than permission? Not a universal rule, obviously, but sometimes just doing your thing is easier than justifying it to your partner beforehand.
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ITA with the PP who said it's all about the facts. The data on breastfeeding are simply beyond dispute. When the AAP, the WHO, and just about every other professional medical association on the planet recommend nursing for a year AT MINIMUM and better yet two, then that really isn't about AP - a parenting style - it's about the biological norm for human babies.

Ditto on circ. It's biologically normal for males to be born with foreskins, just as every other male mammal on the planet is born with one (unless they're born with the defect of not having a foreskin.) The AAP calls routine infant circumcision non-therapeutic, in other words, it's cosmetic surgery.

Those are the two issues I would go to the mat for - because they're so central to the lifelong health and well-being of my babies.

I have had a lot of arguments with dh about a lot of AP/NFL subjects - mainly because I'm the one that does all the research, I feel like my opinions are better grounded. He doesn't feel like he should have to read a bunch of books and websites to be heard and respected. I think it takes a lot of communication and listening to the other person's point of view, trying to find out why he feels so strongly about something (doesn't mean you have to give in or agree, just that you have to hear him out).

Just in reading around the boards here and talking to friends, IMO a lot of men feel shut out of the parenting process, especially in the early days when the mother-baby bond is so intense. For us, it has gotten a lot better as ds has gotten older (3.5 years) and developed his own relationship and way of doing things with daddy. Responsibility helps - dh is now 100% responsible for bedtime and has been since we nightweaned over a year ago. DS doesn't want me at bedtime or if he wakes up now - only daddy!

I don't know how old your baby is, but hang in there and keep talking to dh (not just lecturing him but really trying to communicate about your feelings and listening to his). I think a lot of this stuff gets very tied up in relationship issues and issues with our childhoods. It's important to try to talk it out as much as possible.
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My dh isn't what I would call AP, but, as he explained to a friend who asked him how he deals with his weird wife, he trusts me to make decisions about the kids because he knows that they're my biggest priority.

On breastfeeding: He'd rather that I do, because it means him not having to make and wash bottles or pay for formula. Me nursing a toddler means him not having to deal with a cranky toddler because I can nurse her and quiet her down. When you talk to your dh about it, point out the benefits to him in addition to the ones for your baby.

On CD: Dh doesn't like cloth diapers, so I don't ask him to change them (usually). When I know that he's going to be around a lot (vacation, weekend), I have disposable diapers on hand for him to use.

On circ: He was for it but it neutral after having read the papers that the midwife gave us on both sides of the issue. And really, it wouldn't matter how he felt about it in the end, because I wouldn't sign for it to be done.
My DP is not AP...heck he isnt even crunchy, lightly crinchy, spinkled or anything close to crunchy...the closest he gets to crunchy is choc. chip cookies...

Parenting...he doesnt question why I do things..I tell him CD will not cost us money we dont have every time we run out of sposis...His reply...""
We have girls so no fight on circ there....I still sling 20 mo dd , but not all that often as she would much rather run around all day, and shes to heavy for long periods of time... I didnt sling her much as a baby due to illness(long story) no issue there and he doesnt seam to have a problem when I do sling....he things the sling I have now is pretty neat.

I guess thats not much help for you..
But if he keeps on about how you do things then talk with him about his insecurities about it and hopefully you 2 can come to a common ground.
My DH isn't AP by his choices, but mostly follows my lead. Since I BF, he is happy to have Abi in bed with us; she's too young for solids, but that was my area with our other two and will be with her as well. GD is a newer approach in our home, and Dh has said he will spank when he feels its neccessary, but really most/all discipline is left to me as DH is working so much and commutes almost 3 hrs a day. I parttime cloth diaper, but DH will only deal with disposables; I'm a sling/pouch junky & he says "whatever keeps her happy". We do vax, and made those choices together. I do the cooking, cleaning, etc. so he is fine with healthier foods when I fix them (left to his own devices: canned chili) and he thinks I'm going loopy for switching to natural soaps, cleaners, etc. but he doesn't resist any of it.

Our older DD BF until 14 mos and DH supported my/her choice to do that to extended family. Mabe he's AP in secret and letting me think this all my doing?!
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