[meemee]

i dont fit in. my 6 1/2 year old doesnt fit in.

she wants a friend. a friend on her term. if you saw her you would think she has lots of friends. but she wants friends on her term. yet she is much better off with teenagers and adults. yet she wants a friend her own age. a close buddy. i have never really had that.

she has been in two different schools and hasnt found a clique of her own. i think she really wants a friend at school. a loyal friend who wont go off and play with someone else.

here is the wierd part. she HAD that clique in ps/dc for 3 years. it was almost like love at first sight. for the 3 of them. so she does have that.

but i think she is looking for a friend at recess. she has tried every group but none she really gets along with.

this is too close to me to have an idea. how should i support her in this. i dont want to take her sadness away. she grieves a lot. not really depressed. but sad. she also is ultra-sensitive so takes things too seriously. sees rejection where there isnt any.

so i am trying to figure out how to support her. i know the answer is not simple, if there is one but i am wondering if you could share your thoughts or opinions.

i guess what is sad is my dd is longing for her community. of adults and children. where she is welcomed and not just tolerated. heck i am too. and i am not sure how to make that happen.

i notice she is going thru a real emotional phase right now, asking a lot of philosophical questions which i have no idea how to answer. i mean perhaps she doesnt really need an answer but just to know i am there with her as she goes thru this.

but it makes me really sad because some of that is true for me too.

one thing that creates a lot of this too - i feel - is her dad and his parenting style. she loves him to pieces and yet doesnt feel fully accepted by him. he goes by the rule that she is a child who is not capable of making any decisions. oh how she hates that. so she has seperate rules at his home and seperate ones at mine. she is an extremely independent free spirit. and she feels like a 'bird caught in a tree who cannot free itself' at her dad's place. and the freedom she has at my house is not enough. that no matter what i do, it is still lacking. which i am ok with.

but oh boy how do you support a child. how do you agree with yeah life sucks but yet help them thru it?

i know these questions have no answers. but even some thoughts would be much appreciated.

 

[mama_mojo]

I did not have real friends until sixth or seventh grade. At the times I realized it, I was miserable. But mostly, I just floated in my own space. The thing is I require a type of loyalty from people that is almost impossible to expect from a child, and I wonder now if I had so few friends when I was smaller because I was something they could not give me until we were older.

My mom, in my opinion, handled it very well. She listened some, but never seemed concerned. Sometimes, she said, too bad and sometimes she said, I'm sorry. But mostly, she said, well, something different will happen tomorrow. I don't know; it worked for me. I never thought I would never have friends, but I sure was lonely sometimes.

 

[philomom]

This is why I do cultivate friends of my own. If nothing else, it provides a good role model for the children. I want them to have a happy, healthy adulthood with good friends in their lives.

 

[SweetPotato]

I often feel like I don't fit in- but I'm not sure if it's all in my head! A huge things that has been helpful for me is to focus on my own interests rather than on actively seeking friends. It takes the pressure off and actually allows me to put myself in situations where I'm more likely to be aorund people that I share things in common with.

I'd apply this to your daughter's situation by helping her think about her interests and encouraging her to try out a club or class with that focus (I know they might not have clubs for kids that young in school- but maybe something outside of school, if necessary) Pursuing activities that she enjoys can help build her own self-confidence and give her a good solid feeling as she meets the kids there (rather than that awful feeling of being alone on the schoolyard with everyone just sort of "out there" and the pressure of trying to squeeze your way in somewhere)

 

[Mama2Rio]

i didn't make friends until about 6th grade, girls were mean, every one thought i was just weird, and i am... and i'm okay with that. it's important for her to feel okay wit being herself and not have to live to other peoples "standards". she'll find real friends, i found the older i was, the easier it was for me.

her father sounds a lot like mine is/was. my relationship with my dad deteriorated so bad at about the time when i was 11 and was sick of tryign to live to be the person he wanted me to be, i was a free spirit and he was a controle freak... not good.. there were lots of fights and we still don't get along, he doesn't value my opinions, nor respects my free loving lifestyle... if i wanted to do some kind of activity he had no interest in i was being "rediculous" and "not normal" (whatever normal is)...

sorry i don't have much advice, but i really think it will get better as she gets older.

 

[rightkindofme]

Read the book Odd Girl Out. It'll help you understand girl relationships better. It won't give you 'solutions' per se, but it is very helpful in understanding and giving perspective.