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I was wondering if anybody had any good articles/links on the topic 'sharing'. I sometimes visit with the mom of a 3 year old and she always wants him to share his toys with my 15 months old DS. Needless to say the 3 yo doesn't want to. Which is totally fine by me. There's a 5 year old girl in the same mother's group and she always bullies other kids into giving her their toys by saying they have to share. I am already not bringing much because I am not going to make my 15 months old share things he doesn't want to share. I don't think other kids have to carry my son's special turtle around, etc.<br><br>
Just as a matter of definition wouldn't sharing be initiated by the person owning the item to be shared? If it's done by anybody else, wouldn't it be considered 'taking' not 'sharing'?
 

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I don't have any articles or anything to share with you, but I COMPLETELY agree with your point and perspectice. In fact, almost every time I plan a playdate with either my 3 or 5 year old and friends, we do it at a park or play space. No toys to "share" If by some misfortune kids end up at my house, I totally let my kids put away anything that they don't want to share. In our house my son and daughter BOTH have items they NEVER have to share and then toys that belong to them both. If one is playing and the other asks nicely to use it, the first has the option of saying no and the second MUST respect that. It works for us. I hate the "idea" of sharing because I have known too many kids who use it like you said - forced and bullying and their parents let them.
 

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Great topic!<br><br>
This has been an issue for us too. DS gets really upset when he is in the middle of playing with something and a friend wants to use it (asking nice or not so nice) and in the name of generic "sharing" he has to give it up. Even if there are alternative equivalent toys around.<br><br>
I feel like there is an expectation for kids to happily hand over something the moment they are asked. Would love some advice on how to handle that because it always ends up with someone in tears... I never think I handle it the right way (whatever that is?)
 

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i have a 2 and a half year old and we of course also have sharing issues. in our house, everything is shared. this only works because thankfully he is not too attached to any one toy and does not have a special toy that he is totally in love with. i totally agree with the bullying in the guise of sharing and what we do is when one child wants something other is using, we say "ok, your turn is in 2 or 5 or whatever minutes" and that way the child giving up the toy has some warning and the child recieving it doesnt learn that they get exactly what they want right away just by saying they want it. we find that often, after the 2 minutes has passed and we say ok its time to give up the toy now, the recieving child has moved on and doesnt even want it anymore. obviously this doesnt work perfectly all the time but for the most part it does. my son does a darn good job of gracefully giving up and waiting his turn for toys.
 

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Good points <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
I look at sharing this way, if a toy belongs to my son and he doesn't want someone else to use it that is fully his right. No one ever forces me to let other people use any of my personal belongings that I don't want to lend. One of my major parenting philosophies is to treat my children the same way I'd want to be treated in a similar situation. That being said, my son has no trouble willfully sharing his toys when he's finished with them for the moment. He loves bringing his little sister things to play with. He'll put toys in her lap and say "Dere go! Dere's toys play with!" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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I don't make my child share something she is playing with. (she's 2). But if she grabs a toy form another child, I take it and give it back, (or have her do it) and screeching and grabbing toys another child is reaching for isn't ok either.<br><br>
I still remember when I was 3, and visiting a 6 yr old who'd never been taught to share. it was awful. She had all thse wonderful toys, and the second i started to lay with something, she grab it form me. Her parents would tell her to play nice, but that was it. She only shared one or 2 very junky toys.<br><br>
I will NOT let my child behave that way.<br><br>
If there are a lot of fights over a particular toy, I take it away.<br><br>
I hate it when kids just get away with not sharing. All the kids at church are allowed to play with the toys I bring Rachel. There is a 5 yr old who tore onf her stuff animals as he was playing too rough. So I took them away, and won't be bringing them back. But, he gets away with not sharing. OSme stuff I understand, as it is special too him, (nevermind Rachel's animals were special to her, but whatever) or is not safe for her. But the other week, they had pencil crayons out. Rachel would happily start to colour, and he'd run over and grab them roughly. His mom made a half hearted attempt to stop him, and then ignored it. I finally told Rachel to just use her own, as he wasn't going to share.
 

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We dont force our dd to share (she's 2.5) However it's never been a problem for us. All we do is simply point out that someone looks like they might want what she is playing with and *whenever she is done, would she please give it to X child*. That is the key for us, it puts no pressure on her to hurry up and play, it gives her no time constraints (because she wouldn't understand 2 minutes or 5 minutes anyway) and it gives a definate boundery for the other child. I say the same thing to another child when she wants something they have, "Hey, Johnny, whenever you are dont with that truck, would you please let dd see it?" If they are hesitant to give it up, I simply explain that they are still really into playing with that, lets go find something else. I empathize with her really wanting the particular toy and suggest other things we can do while we wait. I found that the more attention I give the toy, the more the child (mine or another child) feels like they have to hoard or protect the toy. If I simply give them the power (I'm not really giving them power here, I'm just not taking it away like most adults would do by forcing them to share) they feel much less threatened. Sharing is a voluntary act, and when someone is forcing it upon you or your child, it ceases to be sharing and turns into turn taking or taking. I do not want my kid to shudder at the word share. I was never made to share, it was modeled and encouraged, but not forced. I have no problems sharing now.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> In fact, it's one of the things that gives me great pleasure to give to others. Luckily, dd has seen us modeling waiting and sharing and she is really pretty good about it, especially for being so young. Toddlers just dont always have the capacity to understand that someone may only play with something for a minute or two, to them, if you take something from them, it's gone forever. Sharing isn't something that is 'taught' it's something that's 'caught'. By seeing others do it, by having others share with you. That's mho anyway.
 

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when i have guests or friends over, i go out of my way to make them feel very welcome in my home. i try to teach my children the same thing, regardless of their age. i think there is a difference between sharing and taking turns, as pointed out in a previous post. if my children want to put certain toys away that they don't want other kids touching - then they do that....but those toys aren't to be played with by my children either during a playdate. if my dd is playing with a toy and another child wants it - well i do not expect my daughter to hand it over. the other child can play with one of our million other toys, and when my daughter is done playing, then the other child can have a turn. if my children refuse to share any toys, then i do not have playdates at my home. it is unfair to expect other moms and their children to come to my house and need to bring their own toys because my children don't like sharing. if we are at my mom's house and all 11 grandkids are there -- the same applies. we expect all the children, regardless of age, to share communal toys - and taking turns is expected from the older kids, but they do not need to give up that toy immediately by any means. if a child genuinely has something "special" ....then that is off-limits to all kids. i would never expect my son to take turns with his blanket, or expect my niece to hand over her very special baby doll, etc.
 

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I have a 4yo DD. I have found that it's all a little different at different ages & stages. As a baby, I never made her give up her toys at all. As she grew older and wanted playdates, we did/do have her take turns with her toys. Before each playdate, we go through and put away any toys she wants put away (and it's funny because it depends on who is coming over. She knows which of her friends get clingy with her toys - she puts away more stuff when those friends come over! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> )<br><br>
She has had phases where she has shared beautifully with playdates. She is currently in the phase of wanting every toy that her playdate picks up. So I make use of a timer and turn taking for those situations. I do teach her that we will treat our friends nicely, and what that means. I also explain that when we go to other homes, the rules may not be the same, but that's what we will do in our home. If she can't handle that, we'd stop having playdates at our home. We did this for about 6 months a year ago.<br><br><br>
I also know which of her toys are "special" to her. She sometimes will try to tell me that some other toy that her playdate has just happens to be "special" at that moment. I do not let her do that.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>koalove</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8974227"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">i have a 2 and a half year old and we of course also have sharing issues. in our house, everything is shared. this only works because thankfully he is not too attached to any one toy and does not have a special toy that he is totally in love with. i totally agree with the bullying in the guise of sharing and what we do is when one child wants something other is using, we say "ok, your turn is in 2 or 5 or whatever minutes" and that way the child giving up the toy has some warning and the child recieving it doesnt learn that they get exactly what they want right away just by saying they want it. we find that often, after the 2 minutes has passed and we say ok its time to give up the toy now, the recieving child has moved on and doesnt even want it anymore. obviously this doesnt work perfectly all the time but for the most part it does. my son does a darn good job of gracefully giving up and waiting his turn for toys.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:<br><br>
I guess you can say we do forced sharing. Unless it's something super special, they are required to share, and I tell them if they don't share, that person won't share with them. It's about fairness. I'm not mean about it, I just tell them to treat others how they want to be treated. Make sense? It's hard to explain.
 

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<a href="http://blog.earthlingshandbook.org/2007/07/25/learning-to-share.aspx" target="_blank">Here are some of my thoughts on sharing.</a><br><br>
My son goes to childcare. He often brings a small toy to play with while we are waiting for and riding the bus to get there. On the way in, I ask him, "Do you want to share that toy with your friends?" If he says no, we put it in his backpack before we go into the room, so the other kids don't see it; he can have it again on the way home. A few times, he's said he wants to share the toy when what he really means is that he wants to show it off to his friends--he doesn't actually want to give them turns to play with it! When I see that this is the case (or the teachers see it after I've left) it goes into his backpack at that time, and I tell the other kids, "I'm sorry; he does not want to share this toy." They're disappointed, but they accept it. I think it's okay to decide not to share, but it's not polite to continue to use the thing in front of people who would like to share it, if there aren't other ones they could use. It's like if we have guests and I want to eat ice cream: Either I have to split the ice cream among as many people as want some, or I have to choose a snack that I'm willing to share; it's rude to just sit there eating it and not let them have any.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>EnviroBecca</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8978135"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><a href="http://blog.earthlingshandbook.org/2007/07/25/learning-to-share.aspx" target="_blank">Here are some of my thoughts on sharing.</a><br><br>
My son goes to childcare. He often brings a small toy to play with while we are waiting for and riding the bus to get there. On the way in, I ask him, "Do you want to share that toy with your friends?" If he says no, we put it in his backpack before we go into the room, so the other kids don't see it; he can have it again on the way home. A few times, he's said he wants to share the toy when what he really means is that he wants to show it off to his friends--he doesn't actually want to give them turns to play with it! When I see that this is the case (or the teachers see it after I've left) it goes into his backpack at that time, and I tell the other kids, "I'm sorry; he does not want to share this toy." They're disappointed, but they accept it. I think it's okay to decide not to share, but it's not polite to continue to use the thing in front of people who would like to share it, if there aren't other ones they could use. It's like if we have guests and I want to eat ice cream: Either I have to split the ice cream among as many people as want some, or I have to choose a snack that I'm willing to share; it's rude to just sit there eating it and not let them have any.</div>
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Good point. If we are out, like at the children's museum, and dd has something she is working on, I do make her take turns after a few minutes. However, I admit I am mean and if the kid tries to grab it, we move and keep playing. I don't want to teach her to be a push over or that she has no part in the decision.
 

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1.) If we go somewhere, we only bring toys that can be shared. It makes things miserable for everyone (my child as well as others) to bring a "non-sharable toy" to a playground or a friends house.<br>
2.) When another child wants the toy ds has, I say "DS, when you're done, would you mind sharing it with ____?" Usually, ds plays with it a little longer then amiably gives it to the other child.<br>
3.) We don't tear things from others hands or take them without asking. That's not sharing, that's stealing. I don't allow ds to do it and I don't allow others to do it to him.<br>
4.) If another child refuses to share in any way, we suffer through the moment, then we talk about why sharing makes playing more fun.<br>
5.) If it is a public place with public things, we set a time limit if there are children waiting.<br>
6.) We have the same sharing rules for everyone at our house, including guests (occassionally, there are kids who want to lay exclusive claim to toys they are playing with at our house or want to take things away from DS, and we tell them our policy of asking to share, then if that isn't wanted, to wait turns).
 

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I don't force ds to share, really. But I do expect him to share, if that makes sense.<br>
If he's playing with a toy, I do not expect him to give it up just because someone else wants it. That doesn't seem like sharing to me. That just seems...wierd. lol<br>
But if he's not playing with it (and it's not a special toy) I expect him to let the other child play with it. That's what I'm referring to as sharing.<br>
There aren't any consequences for not sharing. It's just an attitude of "I'm not going to force you to do it, but I expect you to." Of course, there are exceptions. If he's just having a hard time with one item, or even just having a hard day, I'll suggest balloons or something that I know is easy for him to share.<br>
I think that's very different than "You don't have to share if you don't want to."
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Deva33mommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8988449"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I don't force ds to share, really. But I do expect him to share, if that makes sense.<br>
If he's playing with a toy, I do not expect him to give it up just because someone else wants it. That doesn't seem like sharing to me. That just seems...wierd. lol<br>
But if he's not playing with it (and it's not a special toy) I expect him to let the other child play with it. That's what I'm referring to as sharing.<br>
There aren't any consequences for not sharing. It's just an attitude of "I'm not going to force you to do it, but I expect you to." Of course, there are exceptions. If he's just having a hard time with one item, or even just having a hard day, I'll suggest balloons or something that I know is easy for him to share.<br>
I think that's very different than "You don't have to share if you don't want to."</div>
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This is great! I nanny for a boy who is always crying because my son is playing with a toy of his. His mom makes my son give up the toy so her son can have it...because "we HAVE to share". Puke. I agree that this is NOT sharing. I think that if the other boy wants it, he can ask if he can play with it when my DS is done. I also agree that if a child has a toy that they don't want shared it gets put away BEFORE other kids see it and want to play with it. Again, this happens where I work. The toys are out, my DS is playing with something, the other boy throws a fit because he wants it, and the mom says "Well, we'll just put it away." I think this punishes my DS for playing with a toy. They know we're coming over and the toys the other boy doesn't want to share should be put up BEFORE we get there.<br><br>
If this doesn't make sense, I apologize. I just realized that I can't see clearly or think clearly because I am so darn tired!!!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>maxwill129</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8993167"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">This is great! I nanny for a boy who is always crying because my son is playing with a toy of his. His mom makes my son give up the toy so her son can have it...because "we HAVE to share". Puke. I agree that this is NOT sharing. I think that if the other boy wants it, he can ask if he can play with it when my DS is done. I also agree that if a child has a toy that they don't want shared it gets put away BEFORE other kids see it and want to play with it. Again, this happens where I work. The toys are out, my DS is playing with something, the other boy throws a fit because he wants it, and the mom says "Well, we'll just put it away." I think this punishes my DS for playing with a toy. They know we're coming over and the toys the other boy doesn't want to share should be put up BEFORE we get there.<br><br>
If this doesn't make sense, I apologize. I just realized that I can't see clearly or think clearly because I am so darn tired!!!</div>
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wow - that really stinks! i hope you get paid good!!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> i think if a child has a toy, it is completely wrong to make them give it up immediately or within a minute or so - i would never do that to my kids or expect other children to do that for us. sounds like her son needs work on taking turns. sharing for us means we have lots of toys and the ones you see can be played with by everyone.....BUT if you see a child playing with a toy that you want --- then WAIT your turn.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>elizawill</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8994570"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">wow - that really stinks! i hope you get paid good!!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> i think if a child has a toy, it is completely wrong to make them give it up immediately or within a minute or so - i would never do that to my kids or expect other children to do that for us. sounds like her son needs work on taking turns. sharing for us means we have lots of toys and the ones you see can be played with by everyone.....BUT if you see a child playing with a toy that you want --- then WAIT your turn.</div>
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Yep. ITA! And for the record, I DO get paid well, but am looking for a new nanny job or to see if I can have a family in my home, because it's not fair to put my kids through that!
 
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