[mamarhu]

Does anyone else hang out in special needs, adoptive/foster parenting, AND unschooling forums? Or maybe 2 out of 3?

I am in the admittedly slow process of adopting 4 kids from foster care. One 8YO girl is already in my home, 6YO boy is coming this week, and I am hoping the 5YO twin girls will be here this summer. I know foster kids are required to be in school, and have no problem with that for current FD - she loves school, is doing great. But the boy has academic delays and possibly some behavioral issues, and the twins have major behavioral stuff, especially at school. All 4 are from an environment of extreme neglect and abuse, including experience in child porn. All are diagnosed with PTSD, sexual reactivity, and possible attachment issues.

In general, I am about as radically unschooling as they come. YoungSon, 13, with autism and dyslexia, is unschooled and thriving. BigGirl, 14, and ElderSon (grown) as well (mostly) but not special needs. I was even sort of unschooled myself, in the 60's. My attitude carries over to MiddleGirl's school experience - I try to be supportive, but I really don't care if she does her homework, misses a day for family reasons, and generally I don't take it all too seriously. Discipline-wise, I feel the same. I am pretty set in my parenting style, and although I parent each child differently, there is a non-adversarial, non-coercive, cooperative flavor to my interactions with my kids (and the rest of the world for that matter).

There was one adoptive mama here not too long ago (an international adoption of a teen, for those who remember), with similar parenting philosophy to mine, who found that her parenting style had to be completely revised to parent this young lady with severe attachment issues. I really admired her for adjusting her approach to meet the child's needs, rather than enforcing an impossible lifestyle or giving up. She has been on my mind a lot lately, as I try to picture our future life. I would like to give myself credit that the 1 kid in my care turns out to have the lowest needs now; it didn't look that way, she really was extreme at first, with sexual acting out, fecal smearing, and every major violent/aggressive behavior you have ever heard of. My style is simply a great match for this kid. The 3 younger kids are coming from situations that are very structured, with consequences, behavior charts, psychotropic medications, and very mainstream therapeutic level foster care. Frankly, their behaviors have not much improved in the 18 months they have been in care.

I anticipate I will have at least a year or 2 to think and plan and dream, before the adoption is final, and I am free to make these decisions. That will also be a time for getting to know these guys, see how my style meshes with the little ones, and how they adapt to the new expectations. For example, current foster-dumpling has no ability to self regulate, be it TV, candy quantities or energy level. She is also missing the basic level of trust the bios have - that I am basically on the same team, with similar goals.

Has anyone tried radical unschooling with kids with serious psychiatric diagnoses? Does the history of neglect influence? I am thinking that these guys might not get the huge difference in intent between neglect and my hands off attitude. How would you combine unschooling with very intense supervision? Is it unfair, even unethical, for me to test my pretty radical theories on such vulnerable kids? Or is it unfair to not give them the same opportunities I give the bio-dumplings?

Like I said, I am in no rush to reach a decision, anf furthermore, few decisions in life are irrevocable. But I'd welcome any insight, whether it comes from BTDT experience, book suggestions, or simply a fresh perspective or insight.

Thanks once again, to MDC mamas, for helping me think!

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[Lkg4dmcrc]

I read this this morning and have been thinking about it all day. I am not involved in unschooling, adoption or special needs adoption on a personal level but I do have some professional experience with foster care and a good friend who adopted 3 kids out of foster care with attachment disorders.

Just my two cents. I think it is wise to go into it with knowing that you may have to change your parenting style to fit a kid with attachment disorders.

A few things really stuck out at me - "For example, current foster-dumpling has no ability to self regulate, be it TV, candy quantities or energy level. She is also missing the basic level of trust the bios have - that I am basically on the same team, with similar goals." This is very typical for attachment disorder kids. It is very hard to get them to understand that you are on their team - and that is where changing your style may need to come in. These kids may need very structured love - that might mean home made dinner prepared every night at the same time or it may mean a really tight schedule of things during the day or tons of exercise/team involvement, etc. They might need something less structured but in my experience most need tons of structure because they have no ability to self-regulate. A really awesome gift to give to children is that ability to self-regulate and even if it takes them years of structure to get to that point, it is still really worth helping them learn this ability.

"I am thinking that these guys might not get the huge difference in intent between neglect and my hands off attitude."- I think you are right here. Most kids with attachment disorders cannot read intent very well - including body language. Kids with trauma have a very difficult time reading facial expressions - in fact studies show they can not distinguish between sad, mad, glad, etc. most of the time. If you are not flexible with your style depending on their needs, it might be misinterpreted.

I think we parent each of our own children differently depending on his/her own needs. I think it is unethical not to do so.

Good luck to you. It is good that you are thinking through these things. I do think few things in life are irrevocable but I do think starting the adoption process and stopping it can be very traumatic for all involved - you, foster children, bio-children.

 

[mamarhu]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lkg4dmcrc I do think few things in life are irrevocable but I do think starting the adoption process and stopping it can be very traumatic for all involved - you, foster children, bio-children.

I meant school decisions - if we try homeschooling, and don't like the results, we can return to school.

LittleGuy, the 6 YO, just moved in,

and like any new mama, I am settling in. It will be awhile before I have much computer time, but thanks for the food for thought.

 

[Lkg4dmcrc]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamarhu I meant school decisions - if we try homeschooling, and don't like the results, we can return to school. LittleGuy, the 6 YO, just moved in, and like any new mama, I am settling in. It will be awhile before I have much computer time, but thanks for the food for thought.

I didn't think you meant the adoption but did not know how to say that without sounding condescending.

I am sure you are very busy now. Good luck with everything.

 

[mamafish9]

My experience is mostly with older foster kids, but I just wanted to say that it sounds like these kids are very fortunate to have you. It sounds like you parent from some pretty strong beliefs, but also some pretty strong love and flexibility. Like schooled kids who need deschooling before they can unschool, these kids will probably need lots of time to detox from their past life. It sounds like you have the patience and experience to allow that to happen. Good luck with all the adjustments, mama!