[claireb]

WARNING: May be difficult for anyone who is feeling extremely sensitive about their loss currently.

Heartbeats, that is. Four. Quadruplets.

Ladies, I've been absent from MDC for days now because I feel like there's no place for me.

How is this happening??

Why can't I have a "normal" outcome??? Why am I facing a terribly high risk, dangerous, paralyzingly frightening pregnancy with FOUR BABIES after losing two "healthy" singletons with heartbeats??

And then, of course, there's the part of me that hates myself for ever feeling even a shred of dread (because, honestly, I do...quadruplets??

) because isn't this what I prayed for, hoped for, would do anything for???

No. This is not. I prayed for, hoped for, and would do anything for a healthy baby. Two babies is a miracle blessing. Even three babies, as terrifying a prospect as that is, financially, emotionally, physically, mentally, and health-wise for mom and babies...EVEN TRIPLETS I could do. Even as everyone in the medical field told me how high risk triplets can be, I prayed for my little guy...I love my babies.

And now I'm being punished for wanting what I guess I'm not supposed to have..."be careful what you wish for."

Well, I didn't wish for this.

No one wishes for this.

How awful am I that I'm equally sad and scared as grateful?? I'm also SO SO SO grateful that my babies are doing well and are alive and beating, but I'm just so confused...I'm so so so confused.

Ultrasound today showed that two of the babies are really really healthy, ahead of schedule, growing like weeds. Two of the babies are there, not sure how they're doing...hearts beating but HR's are a "bit" low and they're a "bit" smaller. The high risk maternal fetal medicine doc gave it a 50-50 chance that the pregnancy will remain a "quad" pregnancy, with the other alternatives that one or both babies get naturally absorbed. Then, of course, I got the hour long discussion of all of the health risks, consequences, and such.

PLEASE, SUPPORTIVE RESPONSES ONLY. I'M BEATING MYSELF UP ENOUGH ALREADY. People have fertility treatments for infertility all the time. This is so rare it's "barely" discussed, except because it "has to be". And now...once again...I've defeated the odds. I should play the lottery.

Sorry I'm complaining about what I should be only 100% grateful for...it's hard to explain how terrifying this is to go through.

I can also delete this post if it's totally inappropriate for this board. I just have had a few mamas wonder about my whereabouts recently, and felt it strange to just disappear without explanation, but I understand that my situation is a difficult one for other mama's facing recent or current loss. That's part of why I am so confused...I should be ONLY grateful.

And I am...I AM grateful.

Claire

 

[alternamama82]

First of all:

:

Second of all:

YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!!

:

There is a woman on one of my other message boards, she had IVF and ended up having quads. Yes, they were all born needing some minimal assistance in the NICU, but they are healthy!

Here is a fantastic link that you might want to check out, she has posted alot of info posted about their births and pictures.

http://www.diaperswappers.com/forum/...ighlight=quads

 

[whitneymum]

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[ladyjools]

i don't think anyone would judge you for being scaird about this,
i think you are really really brave actually.

whatever you decide to do i really hope that it works out for you

good luck

 

[Manessa]

 

[SMR]

Of course your scared.. and you have just as much right as anyone else to post here!

 

[ecstaticmama24]

OMG!!!! Wow... 4?!

I think you have every right to be scared, I'm pretty sure mamas who get pregnant after a loss experience fear, let alone with 4 little ones! Wow..

I second that other post: YOU CAN DO IT!! And you deserve it, in a good snuggly baby kinda way.

(((hugs))) (((big huge hugs)))

 

[meredyth0315]

OMGosh mama! How wonderful and wonderfully frightening

I think you do have every right to feel how you're feeling, nobody will judge you here - if you can't say it here, then there's nowhere. I also think it takes a great amount of bravery to admit those feelings. Be easy on yourself, you've got 4 times the hormones and symptoms to contend with, but you can get through it! I can't imagine what you will go through, but should you ever need to unload on someone or need encouragement, please know I'm here

 

[MFuglei]

Claire, I think everything you're thinking and feeling is normal, rational, healthy, and just plain ok. I know you're scared. Please don't feel like you can't talk about this. It's a lot - you have a lot on your plate.

I don't know if I have any advice - it sounds like other people here have good support for you, I just wanted to make sure that you knew . . . I guess, that you got support in that your feelings are valid. . .

 

[christinespurlock]

Of course you're scared...
I'm glad you posted, I was wondering. Take a deep breath. Don't feel bad for anything your feeling.

 

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

: you have every right to be worried and I know it has to be a lot to deal with.

 

[mrsbabycakes]

God, Claire. I'd be right where you are right now. I'm terrified and excited for you. But I work in OB and I know how scary triplets are... much less quads.

I don't know what to say except that we love you, support you, and know you will make it through this, no matter what happens.

 

[Vermillion]

Oh wow Claire… just… wow.

First of all HUGE HUGS

and second, you don't have to apologize for "complaining" though I see it more as a totally normal fear for yourself and your babies which is SO justified right now. It's a lot to handle, I can't even imagine what you're going through. You will get no judgment from me at all, no matter what.

I honestly don't what else to say here… Just know that you're in my thoughts and I'll be praying that things work out in the best way possible. We're here for you.

 

[calmom]

wow, i'm just dumbfounded for you. and don't for one second think that you can't post this in here. we baby loss mamas have plenty of thoughts that are less than 100% positive and we should all be able to complain. i hear your inner struggle and i'm equally excited for you and scared. i AM praying for you and sending you lovely, calm energy!!!

 

[expatmommy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MFuglei Claire, I think everything you're thinking and feeling is normal, rational, healthy, and just plain ok. I know you're scared. Please don't feel like you can't talk about this. It's a lot - you have a lot on your plate.

Exactly.

 

[fazer6]

Claire of course you're feeling scared. The rest of us have 'normal' PAL paranoia, you have the extra worry that comes with 4 heartbeats. We all get scared and worried at some point so we'll offer as much support and assistance that we can. Currently if the 2 little ones don't have as strong odds then that will worry you. Stress isn't good in pregnancy, I think this board is superb to 'get out all the crazy'.

I'm so sorry that you can't have a 'normal' pregnancy.

 

[Fireflyforever]

Oh Claire,

I think any mother would need to take a deep breath (or several hundred) when contemplating quads and a PAL mama has so much extra to contend with. I think how you're feeling is very normal and a healthy reaction as you process all that is wonderful and terrifying about a multiple pregnancy.

I think this is the perfect place for you to be posting. You are a PAL mother and this is the PAL thread. Of course you should be here. (((((HUGS))))

With so much love - and so many good vibes - for your little ones.

 

[NullSet]

It's okay to be scared.

You feel how you feel and no one here is going to judge you on that.

 

[rebirth]

: In some small way I can relate.... my first pregnancy was twins, lost at 11 weeks, and ever since then (this is my 4th pregnancy, and G-d willing will end in a live baby) all I have prayed for is to have only singletons.... which I to this day feel guilty about. I loved my twin babies, and the two that came after just as I love this little one. But I only want one, and multiples scare me so much. I have nightmares about it, and I still feel like my stress and dread caused the loss of those two babies although the cause was unrelated....

I've even refused ultrasound with this pregnancy b/c I was so afraid of seeing more then one baby and didn't want the stressto marr falling in love with my baby. Even now that I'm reasonably sure it is only one the fear lingers.

You are 100% justified in being shocked, afraid and anything else! Of course you love your babies, no matter what, but it isn't easy to be a mom to many overnight.

Sending you my T&P for peace and adaptibility!

 

[lisa_nc]

Claire, I know a former surrogate who comes on MDC sometimes who successfully carried quads. If it's okay with you, I can have her pm you? She's really nice and I know she would answer any questions you have.

Faith, courage, patience mama. I don't know why you were chosen to be on this journey, but all I can do is send you love and light. Hugs, mama.