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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Freaking out . .that pretty much sums it up.<br><br>
He had an affair. I took him back twice. put up with it for four years. he still made it clear that he was only choosing me because of the girls but he would always love her more and go back to her the first chance he got. I had no choice really. i could have stayed with him through anything but this.<br><br>
I was so calm. and at peace with things. it hurt but I have been dying inside for four years. this wasn't some huge shock to my system.<br><br>
but now I am absolutely panicking. What if he doesn't keep his word about child support and taking the debt? what if he fights for custody. the what ifs are a lot and terrifying and all of a sudden they are crushing me and I don't know what I am going to do.<br><br>
and even with the very generous offer he made (and I won't deny it was very generous) I will have to put the girls in school and go back to work part time (it will be enough cover tuition and the rental unit if they move out and leave it trashed or if it doesn't rent right away). and it still won't be enough to really take care of us. it does however put us over the line for any sort of government aid except for chip.<br><br>
I have no retirement or back up or savings (I have a little tiny bit now but the minute someone moves out of the rental i am screwed. and why am I taking the burden of the rental you wonder. . . because it is attached to my children's home and when someone is in there it pays 2/3 of our mortgage payment leaving me with about $300 a month to pay in housing. I couldn't do that well in a single wide). I am going to die a slow painful death all alone in my old age and no one will find me until the neighbors complain that my grass is too high and my hungry dirty dog won't stop barking.<br><br>
and the worst part is that I really thought that for once in my life someone loved me and that I could trust someone. and it wasn't true. and no matter how poor we are or how much of my children he takes away from me or what he does to further my pain and grief it will still just be salt rubbed into that wound. All I ever wanted was to be a good wife and mother and i certainly made my share of stupid stubborn mistakes but intentions were always good. I really did try my best. and i wanted to be loved so bad and never ever was but i didn't go sleeping around.<br><br>
please tell me it will be ok.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> it WILL be okay, and I am not saying that just because you asked. If is normal to be going through the feelings you are having right now. If you resist them, it will be harder to move on when it is time, so find some privacy and grieve, in whatever way you need to. See if there is anyone to give you help with the children, even if for a few hours.<br><br><br>
I have to say that you ARE a strong woman for getting out of a bad relationship. It is not nice (to say the least) for him to say those things to you. A stronger man would have acted, and not forced YOU to make the decision <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> It is HIS loss, and the other girl/woman will have herself QUITE the catch!<br><br>
Try not to worry too much about the future right now, also don't obsess about the past. What you need to do is get through each moment.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I know that uncertenty (however you spell that!!!) is awful. This period in our lives is so hard...I am wishing you the best and wanted you to know your not alone. There are others just where you are.<br><br>
Just breath and take it one day at a time.
 

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Oh mama. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> You are not alone. I am so sorry, no one should have to feel that pain. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Write down exactly what he offered you and both sign it. It's not completely binding as an agreement by a lawyer, but it can show his intent if it comes up later. Then take *that* agreement to a lawyer and have it written up right.<br><br>
You *can* do this. And I guarantee that there will come a day in the not so distant future when you'll realize that your heart is at peace for the first time in a long time and your shoulders feel strangely free of the weight you may not even realize that you've been carrying. I won't lie, it will be hard, but it's doable. And worth it.<br><br>
{{{ hugs }}}
 

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Lilyka,<br><br>
It will be OK but you're going to freak out for a while until all the little bits and pieces start to fall into place. I would definitely get the agreement in writing and see what you need to do to file with the courts. If he has offered this I would try for mediation and not get a lawyer since a lawyer might set his selfish little head on fire with what is "normal". If you only need to work part-time you might not need to put your girls in school...who knows.<br><br>
You do deserve to be loved and I'm sure that some day a real man will just build yourself up so that when it comes you're strong enough to understand it.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> mama. You will be OK. And you DO have someone that loves you - those beautiful daughters that you are modeling such strength for.<br><br>
I think bouncing between peace and panic is pretty natural at this point.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
can't sleep<br><br>
too much worrying to be done . . . . . . .<br><br>
he is dropping hi name from all our bills and stuff, even discontinuing service on some things. I mean I guess I expected that everything would stay just exactly like it was until the divorce was actaully finalized. or at least legally addressed. but i have no child support. none. he has answered none of my lawyers questions. none. and as of July 1 everything will be financially on me. panic!!
 

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crap, I'm sorry you are going through this mama. I know it's scary, but you will figure it out. Mamas always do!<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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You need to talk to your lawyer now - you need a temporary order requiring a certain provision for the lights until the final legal stuff is worked out. I mean, it sounds to me like he thinks that he's just going to walk.....don't let him! If he really meant his "generous" offer, then he will stand by it in court. And he won't leave you high and dry now! So force his hand - get your lawyer to take it into court now.<br><br>
I'm sorry mama <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s. This is the hardest thing ever, I know. And the emotional side of it too.....all wrapped up with the practical day-to-day "how am I going to make it?". You will, you will! hang in there, be strong.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I got his response for the divorce papers. i only thought I was freakingo out before. He is going to try and sap every last ounce of everything out of me. I cannot believe how dirty and nasty he is being about this. He slept with another woman. for four years. She was moving here. to my town. that I legally cannot leave. they had talked about getting marrid.<br><br>
it is not enough that he slept with another woman for 4 years and then left me to file for a divorce while he said "i am working on things and you are not trying. lots of marriages recover from affairs." serriously . . .was he lauighing abouth aving his cake and eating it too while he was screwing her? she will get over it and I wil have still gotten laid by a hot chick.<br><br>
further more he is blaming me . . .ground for divorce in his counter claim? extreme cruelty!!! and then irreconcilable differences. he is calling me an abuser. he slept with another woman for four years, he abandoned us, he let his children go hungry while he was having lunch with female co-workers and paying for sex online. granted we both did things in this marriage that ucked but grow up. The affair is what ended this marriage. I took him back twice and he went back to her a third time. i was going to go crazy if it happened again. I have grounds for filing on extreme cruelty for crying out loud. he was controlling and manipulative and emotionally and verbally abusive.<br><br><br>
aggghhhh and now he is mad that I can get a job to make extra money while the girls are in school (school was his idea al along.) and I am the bad guy for suggesting school which I did as a peace offering.<br><br>
how do you sleep with someone and still think you have a right to fight for anything? how do you abandon your children and think you have some kind of right to full custody. he doesn't even have time for freaking visitation.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>lilyka</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11538174"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">and the worst part is that I really thought that for once in my life someone loved me and that I could trust someone.</div>
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Oh mama, <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> - I so can appreciate that sentiment. Thing is, there are plenty of people who will love you and that you can trust. And there will be again. Love yourself, trust in yourself and one day the rest will fall into place (or so I hope <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">)<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">please tell me it will be ok.</td>
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It might not happen today. I don't know about tomorrow, but eventually it will be. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>lilyka</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11548209"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><br>
he is dropping hi name from all our bills and stuff, even discontinuing service on some things.</div>
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please talk to a lawyer about this.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Momtwice</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11557280"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">please talk to a lawyer about this.</div>
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In some states, you can't modify things for 6 monthsish if the divorce hasn't gone through and there is no legal separation. Also, you need a temp CS order.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
There is an automatic restraining order on our joint finances until the divorce is final. We cannot aquire any debt without mutual writen consent and we aren't supposed to stop paying any bills.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>lilyka</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11538174"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Freaking out . .that pretty much sums it up.<br><br>
He had an affair. I took him back twice. put up with it for four years. he still made it clear that he was only choosing me because of the girls but he would always love her more and go back to her the first chance he got. I had no choice really. i could have stayed with him through anything but this.<br><br>
I was so calm. and at peace with things. it hurt but I have been dying inside for four years. this wasn't some huge shock to my system.<br><br>
but now I am absolutely panicking. What if he doesn't keep his word about child support and taking the debt? what if he fights for custody. the what ifs are a lot and terrifying and all of a sudden they are crushing me and I don't know what I am going to do.<br><br>
...<br><br>
please tell me it will be ok.</div>
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i got this too:<br><br>
it is not enough that he slept with another woman for 4 years and then left me to file for a divorce while he said "i am working on things and you are not trying. lots of marriages recover from affairs."<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
do not let yourself believe for one single second that you weren't trying. YOU were also in a bad marriage, but YOU did not have an affair. the responsibility for this is not on your shoulders, ok?<br><br>
seriously, you WILL be ok. you are way stronger than you realize. and the courts are not going to allow you to be crushed.<br><br>
my daughter's dad and i shared accounts for the first 4 months and then he cut me off. since then, i've not received a cent of child support and i've been paying everything, including the $900/mo daycare, myself. and he makes nearly $100k a year, more than twice what i do.<br><br>
but you'll be shocked at how you can make things work out. seriously. this WILL NOT last forever. and those daughters of yours will be so much stronger because of the strength you are showing today.
 
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