[mammal_mama]

I have a friend of a few years, who doesn't fully practice GD but is respectful of the fact that I don't spank or punish my children. But recently, for the second time, she's confessed to having a "thought" of spanking, or slapping the hand of, one of my children.

The first time was a few years ago, when my first dd was a toddler. My friend noticed, before I did, that my toddler was trying to unplug something, and intervened and stopped her and got her away from the electrical socket. I thanked her; my friend was clearly worked up over the whole incident and kept going on and on about how sorry she was that she "almost" smacked my daughter's hand.

I knew she hadn't smacked my daughter, since I was right there in the room -- but didn't exactly want to say, "Oh, that's okay" in case she got the impression it would be "no big deal" if she ever DID hit my child. Finally, in response to her continual apologies, I said something like, "We really can't control whatever thoughts come into our heads ... it's our actions that matter ... just so long as you never actually DO it."

Then a few days ago, we were sitting on my couch with my current toddler between us, and she put a small toy horse (all of one piece) into her mouth. I thought it was too big to be a choking hazard; I suppose theoretically she could chew a piece off and swallow it, but since I was right there watching her I'd notice if she started chewing and could intervene then (I personally believe in letting my children explore the world in the ways they choose, and only intervene if I see a safety hazard).

Well, my friend went berserk, and kept demanding, loudly, that dd get the horse out of her mouth "NOW." Dd laughed at her, but spit it out after a moment. Then my friend started confessing her thoughts of spanking dd over this, and saying how she felt so bad for having these thoughts.

Well, this time I felt a lot more annoyed than I did over the incident of a few years ago. That time, she'd noticed a danger while my attention was diverted, and I was thankful that she'd intervened. This time, I was sitting right there and watching my child. I felt it was completely uncalled for, for my friend to even feel like she had to handle this.

The only thing that tempered my annoyance is that I could see how strongly and emotionally she was reacting to what she perceived to be a grave danger.

(She does perceive lots of things as dangerous: once I served carrot-sticks as a snack and she wanted them chopped extremely thinly for her son: I gave her the knife as I was busy with other food preparation, but she asked me to do it as she is so afraid of sharp knives, that she buys everything pre-cut so she never has to cut things herself.

So I'm kind of used to her "freaking out" about stuff, and evaluating risks much more differently than I do. After all, my 7yo now chops veggies with a sharp knife -- but I doubt that my friend willl EVER let her children learn this skill.)

So I felt annoyed over her intervention, but willing to pass it off as one of her idiosyncracies -- but then her confession of the thought of spanking just made me more annoyed. But again, I simply said, "You really don't have to feel bad over having a thought, or even confess it." I felt like confessing some "thoughts" I've had toward her children -- not thoughts of harm, but just negative thoughts in general. But I refrained.

I never leave my children in this friend's care, and don't plan to. I don't see any risk of her harming them when we're together -- yet I feel like if she says something like this again, I should maybe be a little more assertive and say something like, "It's really bizarre that you feel a need to correct my child when I'm right here, and even stranger that you'd want to hit my child."

Am I over-reacting?

 

[alegna]

She's a grown up who won't cut food and you're worried YOU'RE overreacting?

Sounds like she's a bit off to me. I'd watch her closely and try to stay between her and my kids.

-Angela

 

[RedWine]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mammal_mama Well, my friend went berserk, and kept demanding, loudly, that dd get the horse out of her mouth "NOW." Dd laughed at her, but spit it out after a moment. Then my friend started confessing her thoughts of spanking dd over this, and saying how she felt so bad for having these thoughts. -- yet I feel like if she says something like this again, I should maybe be a little more assertive and say something like, "It's really bizarre that you feel a need to correct my child when I'm right here, and even stranger that you'd want to hit my child." Am I over-reacting?

No, you are NOT over-reacting. I would have stopped this person from "correcting" my dd immediately, right then and there. She is freaking out and not respecting your authority as a parent.

That incident would have driven a giant wedge between a friendship of mine.

 

[rmzbm]

Quote:

Originally Posted by RedWine No, you are NOT over-reacting. I would have stopped this person from "correcting" my dd immediately, right then and there. She is freaking out and not respecting your authority as a parent. That incident would have driven a giant wedge between a friendship of mine.

: Sounds like she has issues.

 

[Ruthla]

The whole "fear of knives" thing does sound "off" to me, but I wouldn't judge her entire personality on one quirk.

I don't see a problem at all with "thoughts" of spanking- as long as she's mature enough to control herself and not actually spank your child. She felt guilty about these thougths of spanking- which is a good sign that she probably won't ever do it.

However, I am worried about the way she actually yelled at your child, especialy since you were right there. It's not like your back was turned and she saw something you didn't. If she felt your child was in danger/disagreed with your relaxed view of the situation, she should have shared her concerns with you, not yelled at the child. Something along the lines of "She has a toy in her mouth- is that OK with you?" would have sufficed.

Definitely, talk to her about your concerns, how you felt disrespected, etc. If you don't, how will she learn that the way she acted wasn't OK?

 

[mata]

I think I'd have to tell her how her saying she felt like spanking my child made me feel, and that I'm my child's parent, not her.

 

[sweetpea333]

does your friend often "confess" her thoughts and talk about it and apologize alot for them?? There is a form of ocd that I have and I can't help but "confess" my thoughts and keep repeating it and asking for reassurance and won't stop talking about it. The reason I mention this is because you also mentioned the knife thing, and I also have irrational fears like that, for instance I will never drink out of a glass with a chip in it just in case I swallow a peice of glass . Does she seem to worry about the weirdest things, and never drop the subject? this is also another symptom of ocd and other anxiety disorders.

 

[lovingmommyhood]

If the friendship is important to you than it's something to work out with her. It would annoy me to be sure and I would hate to have anybody say that to me about my kid.

I would have to tell her "Wow, that's a strong reaction. Just so that you know nobody is allowed to spank/swat my child."

I think you've handled it very well by the way.

 

[lovingmommyhood]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweetpea333 does your friend often "confess" her thoughts and talk about it and apologize alot for them?? There is a form of ocd that I have and I can't help but "confess" my thoughts and keep repeating it and asking for reassurance and won't stop talking about it. The reason I mention this is because you also mentioned the knife thing, and I also have irrational fears like that, for instance I will never drink out of a glass with a chip in it just in case I swallow a peice of glass . Does she seem to worry about the weirdest things, and never drop the subject? this is also another symptom of ocd and other anxiety disorders.

That's a VERY good point sweetpea.

 

[mightymoo]

I would personally probably let it be but if she says something similar again, mention that its making you uncomfortable to have her continue to say she wants to spank your child. Is she perhaps trying to say that she thinks you should be spanking her, but in a roundabout way?

It does sound like she has some anxiety issues. If she has severe anxiety over safety issues like that and she also thinks spanking is the answer to any misbehavior a child has, then I could see that she might be dealing with a huge wave of anxiety over the safety risk and wanting desperately to 'fix' it by spanking.

I'm a big fan of live and let live - Given that she isn't alone with the child - as long as she actually treats your child in a way you feel is acceptable and doesn't behave inappropriately then I wouldn't worry too much about a few incidents of her telling you she's thinking of spanking. If she starts mentioning it alot then I would become concerned.

 

[angie7]

She thought about spanking someone else's child b/c that child put a toy in her mouth

: Sorry, but I feel sorry for her own child. I cant imagine if she freaks out that bad with yours how she will deal with her own....Sounds like she needs some help and just realize that unless the child will seriously injure themselves, to just let them be kids. Maybe she is some sort of control freak who wants to control her envirnoment and everyone in it....

ETA: personally this would bother me alot. Maybe it is innocent but still it sounds like she thinks you are a bad mom and the only way to *fix* your kids is to spank them...I think I would limit my time with her.

 

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweetpea333 does your friend often "confess" her thoughts and talk about it and apologize alot for them?? There is a form of ocd that I have and I can't help but "confess" my thoughts and keep repeating it and asking for reassurance and won't stop talking about it. The reason I mention this is because you also mentioned the knife thing, and I also have irrational fears like that, for instance I will never drink out of a glass with a chip in it just in case I swallow a peice of glass . Does she seem to worry about the weirdest things, and never drop the subject? this is also another symptom of ocd and other anxiety disorders.

I thought it sounds like something along the lines of OCD, too. Something like, "I'm having an unclean thought and I NEED to purge it to you." It doesn't at all mean she's actually going to hit your child, or any child. And the yelling, it sounds to me, was out of fear. Obviously she has a lot of fear issues.

 

[arlecchina]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweetpea333 does your friend often "confess" her thoughts and talk about it and apologize alot for them?? There is a form of ocd that I have and I can't help but "confess" my thoughts and keep repeating it and asking for reassurance and won't stop talking about it. The reason I mention this is because you also mentioned the knife thing, and I also have irrational fears like that, for instance I will never drink out of a glass with a chip in it just in case I swallow a peice of glass . Does she seem to worry about the weirdest things, and never drop the subject? this is also another symptom of ocd and other anxiety disorders.

I think so too...she sounds more like she got a thought of it and KNEW it was inappropriate, and her guilt for it is what prompts her to tell you...

cause you cant help your thoughts, no one can, but someone with ocd has trouble dismissing them as just thoughts.

 

[amitymama]

Yep, OCD was the first thing that popped into my mind. Sounds like a classic case, really. She allows certain things to make her extremely fearful and then overreacts without thinking, but immediately feels sorry. It's like she can't help herself.

One of my friends is a bit OCD and she is constantly taking things out of DD's hands or running over to tell her she can't do this or that because she might get hurt and I have to tell her to chill out. I see her getting that worried look in her eye and I immediately address it instead of waiting for her to flip out. I look her in the eye, put a firm hand on her hand or shoulder and say "It's okay, I'm watching her. Thank you for your concern, but you relax and *I'll* worry about DD." It also helps to seat her so her view of DD is somewhat blocked, if possible.

 

[mammal_mama]

Thanks for all these informative and thought-provoking responses!

As far as her thinking I'm a bad mom -- well, I don't think that's it because I'm one of the few people she trusts to watch her own children. She wanted to get a part-time job a few years ago, when her youngest was a toddler, and didn't do it because I wasn't wanting to do any babysitting back then, and she didn't trust anyone else to take care of him.

I'd never thought of the OCD issue with my friend, but I actually have sometimes thought I might have a mild form of it, because I have to check check check things like the stove, the heating vents (to make sure they're not covered with anything), and the locks on the doors before I can relax enough to go to sleep at night or leave home.

I recognize I have these fearful tendencies -- and try to minimize them so my girls can have a normal childhood. But my friend seems to have a lot more fears about safety, and to think death and disaster are just lurking around the corner. Of course, I realize we have to be vigilant with toddlers, but her safety threshold just doesn't allow for much freedom of exploration.

For instance, I realize balloons are a choking hazard for small children. So we just gave our oldest the foil balloons when she was a toddler (and now that's what our youngest gets to play with), and didn't let our oldest have regular balloons 'til she was old enough to understand the risks.

Now our oldest gets to have regular balloons -- but we have a couple of areas that are off-limits to our toddler, where our oldest can play with her balloons and other toys that are hazardous for a toddler (as well as do projects she doesn't want Baby to mess with). In contrast, my friend didn't allow her oldest to have a balloon 'til her youngest was past toddlerhood -- which means he was like 8 or 9 before he could have balloons.

As far as her confessing her thoughts -- well, I think maybe since hand-slapping was her automatic response when her own children were toddlers -- maybe she has had some fears she'd reflexively do that with my children. And maybe she worries about what will happen to our friendship if it did happen.

I'm not saying I wouldn't forgive her, but it'd definitely break my trust. Especially since I never leave my children with her, I'm always there to deal with anything that comes up.

 

[Doodadsmom]

Just one more vote for OCD. I had a similar behavior for awhile as a kid - my Dad had gotten annoyed at me twisting my hair over and over and over again and asked me to stop. Well it was habitual, I kept doing it, then catching myself, and aplogizing over and over again...until he told me to quit, which, well, enabled me to.

I'd suggest firmly telling her that 1) she is not to apologize to you for her thoughts, that you already know she would be sorry for having them so you don't need to hear it and 2) that you are responsible for your own child and that as long as you are in the room she isn't to look out for her - she can just tell you if she thinks there might be an issue. I'm no kind of expert, I just know myself, but I'm guessing she would be relieved.

 

[ThreeBeans]

Quote:

Originally Posted by alegna She's a grown up who won't cut food and you're worried YOU'RE overreacting? Sounds like she's a bit off to me. I'd watch her closely and try to stay between her and my kids. -Angela

Yeah. I wonder if perhaps she has a form of OCD? Obsessive or worrisome thoughts can be a symptom.

She sounds like she has a lot of trouble with fear and guilt.

 

[ThreeBeans]

Oh I see it's been suggested allready

 

[mammal_mama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Doodadsmom I'd suggest firmly telling her that 1) she is not to apologize to you for her thoughts, that you already know she would be sorry for having them so you don't need to hear it and 2) that you are responsible for your own child and that as long as you are in the room she isn't to look out for her - she can just tell you if she thinks there might be an issue. I'm no kind of expert, I just know myself, but I'm guessing she would be relieved.

I think something like this sounds like an excellent idea. Thank you!

 

[MaryLang]

Oh, boy I just went through a type of this situation with my friend. But I don't think its OCD. I think she needs to keep some of her thoughts to herself. I have a friend that is constantly "confessing" things she's worried about concerning some of my parenting. There's no need to "confess" every little thing, there is such a thing as propriety. No advice, I still haven't figured out how to handle this, especially since I am a shut-my-mouth-cause-everyone-does-things-different person. But boy is it tempting to say "You shouldn't be smacking your 8mo!". Got off track. I just think your friend needs to shut her mouth.