[barose]

I've been good friends with this guy since kindergarten and we have gone through periods of our lives of being very close. I've known his girlfriend for about two years. We are friendly, but not very close. Yesterday, she revealed to me that she got "pregnant on purpose". He made it known that he didn't want kids for another 10 years at least. She was on birth control pills and he use condoms. Sure, one or both methods can fail, but she stopped taking the pill and put a hole in the condom using a very thin sewing needle. She basically said she got pregnant so he can stay with her.<br><br>
He totally freaked out when she told him about the pregnancy. It turns out she actually told him that she couldn't have kids at all due to a genetic condition. She had him totally convinced with information, and so on. She fooled him for two years. The condition actually exist, so it was something he could read up on. She even typed up fake medical records to show him. She copied it out of a medical student book.<br><br>
He didn't know she was on the pill and just assumed they couldnt get pregnant. Condoms were for possible STDs since they never got check (except for HIV).<br><br>
She made it sound like she had no idea she could get pregnant; like a one in a billion chance or a very freak occurance, or something like that.<br><br>
He still doesn't know that she doesn't have a condition and that she was on the pill. As a lifelong friend, I feel like I must tell him the truth but I'm not sure. He is in NO position of children right now. He is unemployed and looking for work, struggling with rent, back in school, in and out of rehab, brother just died, NO money at all.<br><br>
I cant even talk to him anymore knowing the truth and not telling him. Its not my business, sure, but <i>I</i> would want to know and would be royally pissed if a friend held back information. WWYD?

 

[texaspeach]

wow. just wow. I don't know that I would do anything. given enough time the truth will manifest itself. Is he happy now? I mean, yeah she's a real UA violation but what would revealing it change? would he leave her? would the kid loose a dad? Have to go to lunch now, will be back

 

[Ruthla]

I would tell him what she told you. I think he deserves to know the truth, so he won't be suckered in by her any longer.<br><br>
I mean, she pulled this crap "so he'll stay with me" so I think he needs to leave her because of her dishonesty. I don't think you'd be doing him any favors if you "protect" him from this information.<br><br>
I'm still curuious as to why she shared this information with you, knowing you're his friend. Did she want to get caught? Is there any chance she's lying?

 

[tinuviel_k]

<b>Tell him.</b> He NEEDS to know this information, deserves to know. I can't believe his girlfriend would do such a horrible, decieteful thing. I can't believe that someone would try to trap another pesron that way, would bring a child into the world under false pretenses to bind someone to her. Yuck.<br>
.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br>
If I were in this situation I would absolutely want my friends to tell me what was going on. If they didn't, and I found out that they knew about it later, I would consider it a huge betrayal. Give him the truthful information you know, and let him make his own decision as to what to do. He deserves to know exactly the kind of person he may be tying his life to.

 

[MamaWindmill]

My initial reaction is to tell him. It wasn't your business until the girlfriend took it upon herself to tell you.<br><br>
However, on the other hand, whether or not he is in a position to have children, he is going to have to get in that position, because a baby is coming. He was totally deceived and tricked into it, but it's a reality. How do you think he will react to hearing that he has been used so badly? If you think he'll still support and love and father his child, then I would tell him. If you think he will just walk away entirely...boy, I don't know. This is a very tough one.<br><br>
I guess one thing I would, as his friend, be concerned about is that if he thinks this was a freak occurrence, and if he stays with her, perhaps after this baby is born, the girlfriend might purposely get pregnant again and again.<br><br>
I don't envy you! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">

 

[acupuncturemomma]

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>barose</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7921426"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">It turns out she actually told him that she couldn't have kids at all due to a genetic condition. She had him totally convinced with information, and so on. She fooled him for two years. The condition actually exist, so it was something he could read up on. She even typed up fake medical records to show him. She copied it out of a medical student book.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/jaw2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="jaw2"> Wow.<br>
I think he deserves to know--the deception just runs so deep...

 

[Rach]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/jaw2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="jaw2"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/jaw.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="dropjaw"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/jaw2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="jaw2"><br>
Well, I don't know what I'd do. If he's happy now, I probably wouldn't say anything. If he could be happy later, I probably wouldn't say anything. That is a really tough situation you've found yourself in.<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">

 

[lotusdebi]

<b>TELL HIM!!!</b><br><br>
He deserves to know the truth. He should get out of that relationship. What an incredibly toxic person she is!<br><br>
Personally, I'd encourage him to get a job and sue for custody of the child as well, providing evidence of her deceptions as evidence of her incompetence. That poor child deserves a better parent than it sounds like she will be. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">: And it sounds like he can be that parent, even with all that's going on in his life. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/nak.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Nak">

 

[Arduinna]

wow she is a whack job isn't she.

 

[daniedb]

I think you should tell him, but not because of him OR her. I actually think that a woman that did those things is in need of some serious help, and I would want to know, as a father, that the person I'm trusting with my child's welfare is capable of such acts. She doesn't sound equipped to be a healthy mom right now, and as the coparent, I would absolutely want to know her willingness to lie, deceive and manipulate and take steps to protect my kid.

 

[barose]

He is not happy now, but he doesn't know what he will do. Last week, they were on the verge of breaking up, but this was after she had gotten pregnant (she didnt tell him at this point - she probably didnt know).<br><br>
I honestly don't know why she told me. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">: My guess is that she thinks I would side with her (she knows how much I want children) or just keep it to myself.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">My initial reaction is to tell him. It wasn't your business until the girlfriend took it upon herself to tell you.</td>
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Exactly my thoughts.

 

[Individuation]

I'm in the minority here.<br><br>
I think you have no right to interfere, and possibly ruin several people's lives, by telling him.<br><br>
She did the <i>wrong</i> thing. <i>Wrong, bad, crazy, evil</i>, whatever you want to call it. Of course, one could also look at the situation and say <i>confused, desperate and heartbreaking</i> as well... if one wanted to look at the situation with empathy.<br><br>
Regardless, there's a child in the picture now--or soon will be. A child who will have no chance of growing up in a two-parent family with the "well, it was an accident but we're happy about it" backstory that so many of us had with our own children, that will grow up at the epicenter of a scandal, if you decide it's somehow your place to step in. There's a woman who, whatever you may think of her morals or her sanity or her character, will beyond the shadow of a doubt <i>have her life irrevocably taken from her</i> if you decide it's somehow your place to step in. There's a man in the picture who will likely feel obligated to leave the mother of his child, and likely his child, and even if he stays will probably never be able to feel truly settled in his life, if you decide it's somehow your place to step in.<br><br>
You obviously led this woman to believe you could be trusted to be taken into her confidence. I'm sorry you heard something that made you uncomfortable. I'm sure you wish you could un-hear what you heard. However, unless you're willing to take total responsibility for the fallout of breaking that confidence, up to and including providing physical, financial and emotional support for anyone displaced by the maelstrom that will ensue when you open your mouth, you have no right to say anything.<br><br>
It's an imperfect world. Children have been born under circumstances like this for millenia. My <i>sister</i> was born under very similar circumstances. I'm sorry she told you. I'm sorry the man involved isn't with someone who respects his decision about children--but whatever you may think, you don't know the full story there, and what you do know gives you no right to rip a family apart.

 

[BelgianSheepDog]

I've gotta go with Individuation on this.

 

[Crisstiana]

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<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>BelgianSheepDog</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7921727"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I've gotta go with Individuation on this.</div>
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Me too.

 

[angelcat]

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<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Crisstiana</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7921739"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Me too.</div>
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<br>
Me three.

 

[memz]

I think you should definetly tell him. I mean on top of getting pregnant on purpose she wrote fake records <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">: There is seriously something wrong with her. I mean mentally!! Wouldn't you want to know you were living with someone like that? I would. And she came to you, it's not like you put yournose in their business.<br><br>
OMG I can't believe it <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/jaw.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="dropjaw">

 

[LavenderMae]

At this point you should only do what will be best for the child. I really can't say what that is.

 

[MillingNome]

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>BelgianSheepDog</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7921727"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I've gotta go with Individuation on this.</div>
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<br>
Add me.<br><br>
There is no way to tell how the pregnancy will countinue. I think the best you can hope for it to get her to fess up. If she won't, then back off. But not so far that you are out of the picture. You said you were friends with him for a long time. He will undoubtly need someone as he heads through this difficult time.

 

[pookel]

My usual response to this kind of question is, don't just share the information. Instead, talk to the person who is lying (the girlfriend, in this case) and tell HER that what she is doing is wrong and she needs to come clean.<br><br>
I can see Individuation's point, but on the other hand, what if he finds out the truth when the child is 4 or 5 and THEN they break up over it? If he's the kind of guy who would abandon his child over this, wouldn't it be better if he did it now instead of shattering the child's world when s/he is old enough to know what's going on?

 

[GoodWillHunter]

wow. He needs to know. And, from experience, she needs counselling. Seriously. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">