[Babina's Mommy]

So tell me if this is a crazy story and what I should do to avoid hurt feelings. My best friend, 31 is unmarried and no kids and lived alone in a small apartment. She has a boyfriend but was going to wait until her lease ran out in the summer and then they would find a place together. Well, her apartment caught fire during a lightening storm and she lost a lot of things, and her cat died. I was so upset for her and offered her a bunch of things, some of which I have brought, she was busy so I gave them to her sister. Some clothes, cute shoes, bath and body products, toothpaste, some food and offered her several house things. I do not use a microwave so I was going to give her that, an older couch set in our garage, some sheets, a DVD player, coffee table, some other household things. I am so glad I never decluttered a whole lot and still had these things, haha. We don't have a lot of money, but I had a lot of things which I was able to spare.<br><br>
Well I heard that her sister and brother inlaw are giving her a benefit. It is 25 dollars a person and I cannot pay to attend this. Me and my husband have two birthday parties we're throwing soon for our children and we live week to week off the paycheck and are behind on most bills. I feel like a butt. I try to always be there for her. I never heard whether she liked the things I had sent for her. I know that she is appreciative but doesn't always show it. She said her dad would be giving her money in a couple weeks for new clothes. But her and boyfriend are now moving in together and just bought a brand new bed and told me she didn't need my old couches now because she bought a new couch but didn't have to finance it. I received two e-invites through FB, an event was created and she herself invited me to the benefit and asked me to invite my mom, dad and grandmother, whom none of can afford it. My parents are downsizing their house, as they don't really have much money in this economy and my grandmother has nothing and lives off social security completely. I can't even justify just me going instead of paying 50 dollars, paying half that, because it's in the city where I don't want to go myself and even just half is still a lot for us.<br><br>
I stated the dilemma to another friend and she was like, "Maybe you could help with the benefit, so that would be your way of contributing." That won't work because it's at a restaurant and everything is taken care of. You pay 25 per person and then pay for your own beverages. Just seems a little overboard, doesn't it? Anyway...I don't know what to do about it all...just be up front about not being able to afford? Or say that I'm out of town? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> But any ideas would be appreciated, thank you!

 

[barefootbabies]

I would say be honest about why you're not able to go. If she's a good friend, she will understand. It sounds like you've done a lot to help her, and TBH I think it's rude of her that she didn't even bother thanking you for all that you gave her. We could in no way afford a $50 dinner either, and I find the benefit idea a bit odd. I'm sure the fire was a huge loss, and must have been very difficult for her, but it doesn't sound like she's hurting for "things" and money - it sounds like she and her bf are pretty well set in that regard.

 

[LionTigerBear]

I think you are fine. If she can't understand, then she's not as good of a friend as you deserve.<br><br>
On another note, if I had lost all of my possessions in a fire, I would feel very awkward and upset if someone threw me a benefit dinner at a restaurant and charged everyone entry. Ugh. That seems tacky. I mean, I've had friends who lost everything in house fires. They worked their networks and we got together a bunch of donations and gifts from everyone who could spare stuff, but we didn't do some weird "Jack and Jill" or "shower" type thing. That's just strange.

 

[BedHead]

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>LionTigerBear</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15366086"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">if I had lost all of my possessions in a fire, I would feel very awkward and upset if someone threw me a benefit dinner at a restaurant and charged everyone entry. Ugh. That seems tacky.</div>
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ITA with this. A much better way of handling it would be to tell everyone there's a gathering and that donations will be accepted at it, but NOT to charge for it. Maybe you could suggest that to the organizers? I'm sure you aren't the only one in this boat.

 

[Katie T]

I agree to be honest about why your can't attend and if she is a true friend she will understand. I know I would.<br><br>
It was really nice of you to have helped out as much as you already have. Don't feel guilty, she is lucky to have a friend like you.

 

[Phantaja]

One, I thought that this thread was about to be about something else entirely.<br><br>
Two, I'd just tell her (or the host and hostess) that I couldn't make it. No further explainations. If they pressed, I'd offer something vague "Oh, you know. The kids." And I wouldn't give it another thought.

 

[Babina's Mommy]

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">One, I thought that this thread was about to be about something else entirely.</td>
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I know, I thought it was kinda funny to write it like I did, but also, it could be that I'm easily amused...<br><br>
Thank you everyone for your opinions...I wasn't sure and I was expecting to maybe hear some like, "That is your friend, she needs you!" But I really think all of this is becoming overkill. I had also put out notices on Facebook saying things like, "My friend has had a housefire and we would appreciate it if you had XYZ to spare" and I had friends (most of whom do not know her) say things like, "Ok, what size is she, what does she need, where do you live, where can I drop this stuff off?" and she commented on the wall post saying what she needed and what size she is...then all of a sudden people went silent and no one offered me anything after that. I asked aforementioned friend if it was in bad taste and that's why no one offered their stuff anymore because she commented on the post and stated what she wanted and my friend thought that no, it was not rude and understandable since she had lost her things. But anyway, there are a few of us, including a couple other friends that were rounding up anything she could need so it seems the benefit is just gravy especially when she was able to get some brand new things...my current furniture set came out of someone's trash, haha...I told hubby if she wants some presents her and bf should get married and just have a wedding shower already...sheesh! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
She's not even been living on her own 1 year yet, so she actually had not accumulated a lot yet, but I know emotionally it had to be hard for her...but I agree with whoever said it should've been done differently, that's what my husband said...a potluck dinner with maybe donations...something like that...as it is, the restaurant is handling it and it's all inclusive so it has to be 25 a person. Not related to my friend's situation, I'm in an area that flooded recently and was a disaster area about a month ago. I was also invited to an even benefitting flood victims and it was just $5 and some of them have babies, kids and/or are old people.

 

[velochic]

First of all, I hope you feel no obligation to participate. You are a true friend that is helping out *as you are able.* She will see that in you.<br><br>
Now for another matter... I would stay away from this benefit for other reasons. Raising money in this fashion requires a non-profit agency to sponsor it because monies collected in this fashion require a 501(c)(3) tax-exempt status. Unless an agency like Habitat for Humanity or Red Cross, church (or some such) is sponsoring this, and then filtering the money to your friend, I am sure that this is illegal (unless they will pay income taxes on the money) and probably haven't done their homework. I've seen it happen many times. Maybe there is a NP agency involved. If so, great. If not... don't get tied up in something illegal.

 

[LionTigerBear]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Babina's Mommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15366336"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I had also put out notices on Facebook saying things like, "My friend has had a housefire and we would appreciate it if you had XYZ to spare" and I had friends (most of whom do not know her) say things like, "Ok, what size is she, what does she need, where do you live, where can I drop this stuff off?" and she commented on the wall post saying what she needed and what size she is...then all of a sudden people went silent and no one offered me anything after that. I asked aforementioned friend if it was in bad taste and that's why no one offered their stuff anymore because she commented on the post and stated what she wanted and my friend thought that no, it was not rude and understandable since she had lost her things.</div>
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I do think it could be considered poor taste for her to comment on that thread. Not for you to post it, but when she pipes in, the wrong "tone" of writing might be a turn-off to some people-- I think that's why no one responded after she posted. It's one thing for you to ask your friends to help out a friend, but for her to then chime in with a wishlist might be seen as entitled unless maybe she did it very delicately. And she doesn't seem like someone who is sensitive to social nuances.

 

[*bejeweled*]



I think you are fine. If she can't understand, then she's not as good of a friend as you deserve.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">

 

[Alyantavid]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Phantaja</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15366266"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">One, I thought that this thread was about to be about something else entirely.</div>
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Me too. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br><br>
I think you've done a ton to help her out. Just tell her you can't come because of whatever reason and don't worry about it.

 

[Laggie]

I think it was fine for her to respond if people had asked what size she was and what she needed. Maybe nobody wrote after she did because at that point they could just message her directly, which makes more sense than posting on your wall.<br><br>
As for the benefit, I would just tell her you can't afford it. I'm sure she will understand. For me, a dinner out would be easier since I don't really have any "stuff" to donate, and so whoever organized it was probably of the same mindset. I would see it as win-win: I get to have dinner out, which I would do anyway, and contribute at the same time.<br><br>
Since your financial position is different, I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell her so. She seems to have a much more extravagant lifestyle and probably doesn't realize. It's better to tell her than just not show up imho.

 

[Babina's Mommy]

Update: I am a bit frustrated as I told her the situation on Facebook and she just responded, "ok" so then I realized I was removed from the Event that was created on Facebook, or she shut the whole thing down, I'm not sure which one. I am asking a mutual friend if it is still on his Facebook or not. I can tell she is upset at me. I told her that as a friend she can have my time or any of my belongings that I have because I do have that to spare...She made her FB status as, "No one is responding to the benefit and it's making me feel bad!!" and now since me talking to her her status is, "Not speaking to anyone today! I'm annoyed!"<br><br>
Ugh!! I hate this whole thing....

 

[mama2toomany]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>alyantavid</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15366711"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">me too. :d<br><br>
i think you've done a ton to help her out. Just tell her you can't come because of whatever reason and don't worry about it.</div>
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ita

 

[Fuamami]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Babina's Mommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15373746"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Update: I am a bit frustrated as I told her the situation on Facebook and she just responded, "ok" so then I realized I was removed from the Event that was created on Facebook, or she shut the whole thing down, I'm not sure which one. I am asking a mutual friend if it is still on his Facebook or not. I can tell she is upset at me. I told her that as a friend she can have my time or any of my belongings that I have because I do have that to spare...She made her FB status as, "No one is responding to the benefit and it's making me feel bad!!" and now since me talking to her her status is, "Not speaking to anyone today! I'm annoyed!"<br><br>
Ugh!! I hate this whole thing....</div>
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Wow! She sounds kind of childish, honestly. I'd suggest renter's insurance and move on.

 

[Monarchgrrl]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Fuamami</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15375006"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Wow! She sounds kind of childish, honestly. I'd suggest renter's insurance and move on.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that"> She sounds pretty ungrateful and very entitled.

 

[ChristyMarie]

I'm guessing you were not the only person to question this benefit. She may be realizing that maybe it overstepped boundaries just a bit. I wouldn't take it personally.

 

[FoxintheSnow]

I think your friend sounds very immature and entitled as well. It sounds like she is taking advantage. I know something terrible happened to her but that doesnt give her license to act that way. You are a very generous friend.

 

[kittywitty]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>FoxintheSnow</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15375554"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think your friend sounds very immature and entitled as well. It sounds like she is taking advantage. I know something terrible happened to her but that doesnt give her license to act that way. You are a very generous friend.</div>
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I agree. I mean, really? That's really immature and ungrateful. I'm sorry that you have put so much into helping her and she is reacting this way. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Phantaja</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15366266"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">One, I thought that this thread was about to be about something else entirely.</div>
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Me, too. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">

 

[Latte Mama]

Good grief this friend sounds like she needs a few lessons in gratitude. She didn't even thank you! I think you were fine in what you said about being able to spare your time, etc. She needs to get over herself.