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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So i have this 'friend' and i use the term loosely right now. Who never seems to have $. Honestly its bad budgeting but thats not my concern. Last night (saturday) she texted me to borrow $100, she just flipping got paid on friday, how on earth could she be out of money already.
Now, remember; I get foodstamps, SSDI, medicaid and my family pays my rent and all of kiddo's school expenses and then some.
My son was over there this weekend, said she was yapping about $$ to him. Son is 14, who the heck shares their financial situation with a teenager.
Longer story even shorter, we 'share' a dog. Shes not properly caring for the dog (no baths, not proper food for digestive issues, not walking her as needed so she potty in the house etc). I figure in a round about, kinda passive agressive nasty way. taking the dog saves her $100 a month in typical expenses: food, treats, baths, time to walk, extra cleaning supplies etc.

I texted said friend back this am and basically said after I paid tution, books, art club, and my bills i dont have any $$ left over.

Im of the mind set, you dont loan money- its a gift and if you get it back , thats bonus. I dont have $$ to be gifting out.

Maybe i was looking for a reason to end this friendship, maybe i need more distance from her. I feel like shes toxic.

Sorry for the long rant. I guess my question is WWYD?
And its ok in this grown up adult world to end friends...?
 

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I would end the friendship, not sure how since I'm pretty passive. I guess I would become too busy to see her. It sounds toxic and you don't need that!!! Best of luck!
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks Green- Im having a hard time being an adult here. I turned my phone off for a bit last night so i wouldnt get texts and no contact from her today. Maybe this whole fiasco will fade into darkness.
 

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THere is no way I would lend her any money. I don't lend money. I would not necessarily end the friendship, because it will probably fix itself. And especially if I was in a situation where I needed that much assistance myself I wouldn't be lending money. I might gift some food or something if I thought people would be going hungry, but I would probably gift something they might not even eat. Beans anyone? Oatmeal. The kind of food my family eats so we can be healthy and frugal and get ahead in life. Take care of your own family and just sympathize with the friend.​
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I had therapy tonight. my backbone is forming. T was nice enough to gently point out this person is sucking what little life I have out of me. Shes adding to my panic, anxiety and everything else going on. I have money for MY house, not anyone elses house.

Im not going to purposely call her or tell her things are over... but i'm not going to make myself available or answer texts in a timely manner right now.

I can clearly see her downward sprial with my shirnks help and i or ds dont need to be anywher near that.

thanks for the help mommies... sometimes i need reinforcments
 

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These people are energy vampires, don't let her drag you down. Time to just say "no" and start gradually seeing less of her. Once your backbone is truly hardened, you can consider cutting her out of your life.
 

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It's very okay to end friendships in adulthood. I have. You don't necessarily have to go into the details with her, but just a simple "I don't feel we have anything in common anymore." should do. This way you can avoid a nasty fight.
 

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Saying no and setting boundaries with toxic people can often result in them ending the relationship, while they look for an easier target.

I would not ask a friend to borrow money! And I would not loan money to or financially help out a friend. I might watch a friend 's kids while she went to a job interview, or give her a ride to a job interview after her car broke down, or make dinner if she were sick, etc....but if a friend ever "expected" to get money out of me, I would be distancing myself from that person.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks for your kind words. Im still working on de-friending. She is not being supportative about my grad school choices and told me point blank 'You wont ever work again'. geezez thanks for the support.
She has a broken car window and the car needs general mainteance.
At least the paycheck lasted thru the weekend when she got it. THe next one is all rent. OH and her internet was shut off.

This person is a social worker/case manager for mental health and can not manage her own life.

Shes starting to hint to her adult child that she needs funding and he apparently is saying 'nope'. I take it as a good sign shes asking others :)

Sometimes i simply need to type this stuff out to see how silly it all is.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I need to post to help my own backbone. Again it was payday yesterday and by lunch today she was short money for rent. I have no idea what is going on. She did tell me the dr has a painpill rx ready for her to get on monday. So it seems to be a vicious cycle of needing money and pain pills.

I stood firm, cancelled potential dinner plans for tonight- i dont need to get stuck paying all the time. And i didn't offer to get her any groceries.

Backbones are a positive thing ....
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Ugh- shes asking again, with time with a 'please'. This is my kiddos bday weekend. Not only did I have to pay for therapy this week, and get kiddo presents, I have to budget for a couple dinners out this weekend. SHE KNOWS THIS.
I'm getting better at either ignoring the texts or not even replying to them.

I'm trying to believe that if I dont enable, she will eventually stop asking.
 

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Ugh- shes asking again, with time with a 'please'.
Can you write a letter to this person (so there will be no "confusion" about what was said) and explain with the kindest language that while you are sympathetic to her INABILITY to manage her life, you can't be there to PROP her up since that is not what ADULTS do for one another. Include 2 sources (a book, a website) that will help her to manage money & priorities. Tell her that you wish the best for her but that YOUR FAMILY is your only PRIORITY now and the friendship has RUN ITS COURSE.

This will give YOU the chance to frame, ACCEPT and then deliver this message.

You will not be able to trick someone into doing something (like stop asking you for money), that's not accepting responsibility for your NO. You have to take RESPONSIBILITY for your NO all by yourself.

And CONGRATULATIONS for recognizing this problem and strengthening your resolve to end it.
 

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Hi zebra15, is the "dog" in your avatar the one you both share? Please take care of her. She's an adorable fur baby.

As for your friend I would not lend her any money, even much less than $100 when I have a family to take care of first. She is already an adult, meaning she is able to work for a living and be independent financially.
 

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She seems to me like a user/abuser.

I'd emotionally disengage from this person and answer in one line, 'sorry, I don't have the money Or sorry I can't help!' The first few times she asks and then not respond thereafter. The first week she might get angry and respond meanly but eventually get the msg and go away.

You still seem to emotionally involved with this person - when u are wondering why she doesn't have money right after pay day etc. The thing is she is looking for free handouts and have got them easily before and so, will always try to get them from whoever is susceptible to her. If not you, somebody else. Their pattern never ends. The key is to stop concerning yourself with what they say or do and turn your focus elsewhere. Dont expect her to be supportive of your needs. These type of users are always self centred.

Growing backbone is a really good thing. It's a life skill. Once you learn it, you'll never be in this situation again. It took me years to grow one and stand up for myself against my own financially abusing family but eventually they got the message that there's no more money coming. They never stop asking but it's got so much easier to say NO!.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
HI thanks for everyones support. The holidays are here, obviously, and well. I'm in a slow holding pattern. Slowly putting distance between us, slowly developing my backbone, slowly re creating my life. Its one step forward and 2 back sometimes. other times its a sprint for progress. Im wokring with a therapist for a number of issues, this being one, and honestly, just recoginzing the problem is a huge step at this point.
She has stopped asking me for money, i consider that progress.
 

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Definitely progress! It takes time to undo what can be years, or even a lifetime of programming that has made it acceptable to let boundaries be crossed. No shame in letting go of toxic people and establishing a new normal of how people may treat you.
 
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