[hapi2help]

I have a friend whose babe seems slow. DD is *doing* what other babes her age are doing etc. I know all babes are different, but how extremely different.

When is it "she is slower on the *doing* things" curve vs. something may be wrong?

The parents don't seem concerned or I don't know of their concern.

I ask about ped visits, "what did you ask? what did dr say?" They don't ask about anything. Their ped doesn't talk about milestones etc.

What would you do? Is it my business?

BTW these parents love this dd dearly!! This isn't about them not caring, they just don't know, I guess.

 

[BelgianSheepDog]

No, I'd say it's probably not your business at all, even though I understand you mean well. They may have a different view of milestones than you do (a lot of people put more weight on achieving them "on time" or "early" than I do, personally.) They might have discussed it with each other or a professional and don't feel like discussing it with you. They might have a strong intuition that their child is fine and that she will develop on her own schedule. I say leave it be.

 

[EAGA]

It's a tough one!

But IMHO, I would not say that it is your place to say anything (at this point....and I say this b/c I dont know the full situation). But saying something about delayed or "slow" development may cause these poor parents to worry (you mentioned that you are not aware of their concern...but Im sure they are indeed concerned) even more than they currently are. All babies develop differently and I believe it can vary tremendously, so please don't concern these parents even further unless their is obvious or true deficiency in development.

 

[lovingmommyhood]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog No, I'd say it's probably not your business at all, even though I understand you mean well. They may have a different view of milestones than you do (a lot of people put more weight on achieving them "on time" or "early" than I do, personally.) They might have discussed it with each other or a professional and don't feel like discussing it with you. They might have a strong intuition that their child is fine and that she will develop on her own schedule. I say leave it be.

ITA

 

[eclipse]

Unless there's something very specific you can point to, I don't think it's your business. My daughter was really slow on all of her gross motor milestones, but she is a perfectly normal 3 yo now. My mother's instinct told me nothing was wrong, she was just moving at her own pace.

 

[millionmom]

I also wouldn't worry too much because everyone is totally different. If she were severely delayed I'm sure the parents and/or doctor would have spotted something.

 

[illinoismommy]

I wouldn't say or do anything.... the baby's parents will worry enough, they may just not talk about it.

Behind at this stage really doesn't mean much anyway. My son was crawling by 6 months, but his cousin who was the same age didn't crawl until 15 months. They are both now "normal"

 

[Laniemel]

Also, since there may be nothing wrong with their dd, it might come out as insulting if you say something. I know that I have a tendancy to get very defensive about my daughter.

 

[flapjack]

I'd leave it. My best friend's dd is a slow developer, and it's causing a little bit of friction between us that the two girls are now at about the same level of mobility (standing alone and considering walking) though her dd is 7 months older. My ds2 was a slower developer compared to his brother, but is doing fine now.

 

[bobica]

totally not your business! She's either very aware of it and anxious about it or totally laid back & not concerned. Either way, unsolicited input does not help.

I'm a speech pathologist by trade. I work with kids. My friends are all very aware of this. My aunt (also an SLP) gave me the best advice of my career so far in saying not to give any developmental/therapeutic/etc. advice without being specifically asked. My friends know that I have this policy and if they have questions (they all have at one point or another

) they'll directly ask me.

All babies are quite different. My 2 oldest friends and I had babies 3 weeks apart. The differences among them are remarkable. Now that they're 3 years old, the differences are smoothing out quite a bit but their individual strengths and preferences can be quite noticable.

I know it can be hard when you're concerned. If there does come a point when this mama has to address any issues

: you'll be a great support for her with your compassion!

 

[bri276]

I don't talk about my daughter's medical issues to our friends, it is none of their business. My dd has speech and physical delays, she receives therapy, we know the reasons, I have usually 5 different doctors appt's each month- even my best friend doesn't know that. Not because I'm embarassed -far from it!- but because out of respect for my daughter I don't share her personal information with people who I feel may treat her differently because of it.

People like you, who call babies "slow". Not nice.

 

[hapi2help]

Quote:

Originally Posted by bri276 I don't talk about my daughter's medical issues to our friends, it is none of their business. My dd has speech and physical delays, she receives therapy, we know the reasons, I have usually 5 different doctors appt's each month- even my best friend doesn't know that. Not because I'm embarassed -far from it!- but because out of respect for my daughter I don't share her personal information with people who I feel may treat her differently because of it. People like you, who call babies "slow". Not nice.

I am trying to tactfully ask the other members here for advice. I have not and would never use these words to a person. I am asking this question here because of the anonymity it allows.

I deeply appreciate all of the advice that I have received here, I did not ask this because I am "not nice". Tell me how to word this question, so that no one person on earth is offended. I care....that is why I am asking.

Furthermore, I understand first hand what this label means.

Back to lurking.....this is why I don't ask for advice, judgement.

 

[Catherine12]

I would say it depends on how behind the baby is - if she is a few months behind the curve it's probably nothing, but if she is really not reaching very basic milestones, and you have reason to believe the pediatrician isn't assessing her properly, you might want to politely broach it to her parents. If there is some sort of problem, early intervention could be important. I would just be careful to be polite, etc., when you bring it up, and make sure your friend understands you are talking to her about this out of concern, not nosiness.

 

[bri276]

well, if you would never use those words in person, then you must know they don't sound nice, right? there are plenty of mothers on here of children with delays, including myself, so I don't really think it's about making sure no one on earth is offended. I don't want you to feel judged and go back to lurking. Maybe I was just in a bad mood because I have a migraine today, and took more offense than I should have. But if their baby is "slow", then so is mine, because she's behind a lot of the milestones. And I don't consider her to be slow, because she's bright, and curious and happy and I focus on what she CAN do instead of what she can't. (but at the same time, I get her help where she needs it.)
I just think mothers of typically developing children often have no idea what it's like to have a baby who has these issues. Of course there are some irresponsible parents who don't notice or care about their child's development. But since you said they love their dd dearly, it's more than likely they have noticed her delays. Heck most people freak out if their kid is the *slightest* bit behind the curve. It doesn't mean the baby is slow or that the parents aren't doing anything just because they don't inform everyone of every issue their kid has and what they're doing about it, is all I was trying to say.

 

[faythe]

Quote:

Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog No, I'd say it's probably not your business at all, even though I understand you mean well. They may have a different view of milestones than you do (a lot of people put more weight on achieving them "on time" or "early" than I do, personally.) They might have discussed it with each other or a professional and don't feel like discussing it with you. They might have a strong intuition that their child is fine and that she will develop on her own schedule. I say leave it be.

I completely agree with this.

I have seen the gamut of "normal" with my 4 girls. One was meeting gross motor milestones slowly enough to pique the interest of our (non-interventionist) family doctor. Dd was referred to a neurologist who said there is nothing wrong with her and she will do things when she is ready.

 

[BookGoddess]

Quote:

Originally Posted by hapi2help I am trying to tactfully ask the other members here for advice. I have not and would never use these words to a person. I am asking this question here because of the anonymity it allows. I deeply appreciate all of the advice that I have received here, I did not ask this because I am "not nice". Tell me how to word this question, so that no one person on earth is offended. I care....that is why I am asking. Furthermore, I understand first hand what this label means. Back to lurking.....this is why I don't ask for advice, judgement.

I realize your question was motivated out of concern for that baby. I know you didn't mean any harm.

 

[MamaRabbit]

I think the OP is asking about what to do if they don't notice AT ALL.

I am friends with a couple who has 3 girls. All three of them are VERY clutzy... moreso after vaccination times. I've noticed and I know parents have not. Very tactfully, I asked if the mom (she's a nurse) had ever noticed any adverse reaction, such as clutziness. She said her girls had never been clutzy!! Yet everyone who knows them knows that they are to the extreme! I think it totally depends on how well you know the person, their personality, their knowlege, etc.. We don't know your friend as well as you do.

A friend asked about an issue with my daughter. I hadn't noticed it. So glad SOMEONE was willing to point it out.

 

[Nikki Christina]

i had concerns with my son.. i asked my doc at his 4 & 6 month apt.. she brushed me off & said i was just a 1st time over paronoid mom

i never said anything to anyone about it .. except dh

a week after my sons 6 month apointment a friend of mine watched my son..
the next day she asked to stop by my house & wanted to talk..
she came over & told me she was concerned about David .. that he seemed to not be doing or trying to do things he should be at 6 months & she thought his legs turned out a bit

i was not offended at all.. i told her about my concerns & how the doc brushed me off & that i would take him to a new doc
i did & he was immediately diagnoised with hypotonia & went thru testing therapy .. etc untill over a year later he got the peroxisomal disorder diagnosis

she was a friend & support thru it all

but i also understand the above posters .. if it is just normal development.. saying something could offend her...
my neighbors daughter is really far behind my daughter in doing things ..but i wont acknowledge that to her because I think it would be offensive.. but i also know that her daughter is fine

 

[Cardinal]

whew. what a sticky and tricky situation the OP is in.

My close friend has an 11-month old child that can't crawl and can't roll over. Can't pull up or even try to walk or anything else. He is way behind in many areas. Do I want to ask her if she realizes his delays? Yes, I do. However, I have decided after a lot of deliberation that saying something at this time isn't best. If I do bring up the topic one day, I will do so delicately, and will likely ask, "Oh, so is Christopher crawling?" If she says no... probe a little further, perhaps trying to get the conversation to turn to seeking an evaluation from a professional.

I do think going out on a limb and boldly asking if the mother realizes her child is slow is like putting your hand in boiling water. You will get hurt from the burn. You may even wreck the friendship because the mother will get her feelings hurt. My son only has 3-4 words at 15 months. That is "slow" to many people. A not-so-close friend joked about his "lack" of words and ever since I haven't talked to her. I guess it was how she handled it more than anything else.

Anyhow, good luck on your decision. I'd say, at the least, wait another month or two and think hard about discussing the situation with the mom/dad. If you do decide to bring it up, just use tact, sensitivity, and gentleness.

 

[KatWrangler]

Quote:

Originally Posted by hapi2help I am trying to tactfully ask the other members here for advice. I have not and would never use these words to a person. I am asking this question here because of the anonymity it allows. I deeply appreciate all of the advice that I have received here, I did not ask this because I am "not nice". Tell me how to word this question, so that no one person on earth is offended. I care....that is why I am asking. Furthermore, I understand first hand what this label means. Back to lurking.....this is why I don't ask for advice, judgement.

Mama