Mothering Forum banner

1 - 8 of 8 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,452 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My friends have just announced on their blog that they are going to begin Ferber-izing their 4 month old. I am so sad for them, and especially for the baby.<br><br>
This is their first baby & it has been a rough road for them - c-section & separated from the baby for 18 hours after the birth, planned on breastfeeding but gave up (lack of support, milk hadn't come in by day 5 & pro-formula hospital), and nearly 4 months of baby with acid reflux & "colic". They have almost no support from family.<br><br>
So anyway, according to their blog, on the advice of their Pedi (who they get most, if not all of their parenting advice from) they are going to:<br><br>
- stop feeding him during the night<br>
- stop rocking him<br>
- take away his pacifier<br>
- and let him cry<br><br>
OH, I am SO sad!<br><br>
I lent them many of our parenting books when the mom was pregnant and have very openly shared our style with them. Don't know how many of them they read, but they do know there are other alternatives out there. They just don't seem to be choosing them.<br><br>
I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. We are very pro-AP, co-sleep, breastfeed....just about everything the opposite of them. Here's where I get stuck. They are not asking for our advice, but I feel so compelled to take a stand against what they are doing.<br><br>
However, we do the whole "this is what works for our family" line when people have offered us less than desireable advice about parenting and, like it or not for me (or their baby), this is their family and they do get to make the choices.<br><br>
Is there something I can do in between not saying anything and getting on my soapbox? I just am at a loss for ideas right now.<br><br>
Thanks in advance.<br><br>
C<br>
___________________________________<br>
SAHM to a spectacular little boy, born 5/2003<br>
:bf<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/nocirc.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="nocirc"> AND SO excited to be <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/pos.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="positive"> February 2006!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,142 Posts
I'm so sorry. I'm sad and mad and I don't even know them.<br><br>
Do you want resources, articles, books?<br><br>
(You say you've given them stuff and they read it and are doing it anyway? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> )
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,938 Posts
If you think it would help, maybe show them the Dr Sears quote about how pediatricians should only give advice on *medical* issues, not parenting ones? Might not work if they're the type who take whatever doctors say as gospel, but it would be worth a shot.<br><br>
I've been lucky in that none of my close friends have used Ferber or Ezzo or any of that crap, but I have been in the unfortunate position of being at my college roomie's house when she went to put her son done for a nap and left him to "fuss" (read: cry) in order to calm down. It upset me, it *really* upset my dd, and we ended up leaving so we wouldn't have to hear it. Sometimes that's all you can do.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,142 Posts
Here's a link about CIO<br><a href="http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/T051200.asp#T051205" target="_blank">http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/T051200.asp#T051205</a>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
403 Posts
My honest opinion on this is that you have already tried to educate them and share your experiences- now you need to back off and let them make their own decisions, if you want to preserve the friendship. I find it offensive when others criticize my parenting choices so I do not try to tell other people what to do with their kids. Additionally I have never changed my decisions due to criticism from someone else, and probably they won't either. Maybe if the ferberizing isn't working and they tell you can take that opprotunity to offer (gently and with respect) further advice. I know it can be hard.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,452 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I don't think I want to send them unsolicited advice in the form of links to articles etc. That's the hard part for me...I'm a big unsolicited advice giver <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> I really just think they wouldn't read it, and an e-mail to them at this point may come across really harshly. I was hoping for maybe ideas on something gentle I could incorporate into a phone conversation when the mom tells me about their "plan".<br><br>
They've had my copy of Sears' The Baby Book for several months (though I don't know if they've opened it). I have sent them other Sears links in the past, and I think *they* think Sears is not for them.<br><br>
Now, even worse several people have responded to their blog posting saying how quickly Ferber "worked" with their babies....more fuel for them to begin it tonight as they planned.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,254 Posts
You really cannot say anything unless they mention it to you. Then when you do say something you have to word it right. If you come off as pushing your beliefs on them that will just push them away and hurt the friendship. Sometimes you have to keep your mouth shut. It's tough, I am going through similar issues with a good friend now. I have learned to mention what works for us but never criticize her decisions. The most I can do is say things like "well CIO did not work for us at all. It was too hard on the baby and me. What worked for us was......."<br><br>
I do feel sorry for the baby who is loosing every nighttime comfort it has even the pacifier. You might want to somehow work in smething like "we found little steps worked better for us so it was not such a shock our baby".
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,306 Posts
ugh...one of my friends is doing CIO now and i talk a great game when i give others advice about what to do in your situation but now that i'm in it myself, i find myself being really quiet. they know what we do...they know we still bf, still co-sleep, don't CIO, etc...and my friend is a wonderful loving mommy (even more overprotective than i am which is saying a lot!) and a GREAT friend so i don't want to make any waves...and i don't want it to come across like i think i'm better than she is...so i don't say much. i say things like "it's so hard to hear them cry...i know it must be very hard on you...we found that sleeping in our bed calms him and we all get more sleep at night"...she does nap with him most days, but nighttime he's CIO in his own crib...i don't know...i'm sorry to hijack...i just know what it feels like to be in your shoes and i wish i had some advice....
 
1 - 8 of 8 Posts
Top