[Grafted]

Hi Everyone,

I can't believe I am posting this.. I am just so angry..depressed..frustrated..you have it in a nutshell there. I am so unhappy but I am afraid to leave my husband. We have been married for 6 years..have 4 children who are ages 7-1. I already had 1 out of wedlock baby when we met..I got pregnant by him and it was either marry him or try to parent 2 children by myself with no education or money..adoption, etc. and so we married and he adopted my other baby, (she thinks he is her bioparent). I just want to do what is best for my children.a stable home..parents who love them, homeschooled, etc. I don't want my children in daycare, etc. but I don't know if I can stand this.. I generally don't talk about my marriage to others..but I was really upset one day and mentioned something to my Dad how unhappy I was and how I thought that financially things would never get better due to dh's lack of motivation and his choices,and his response was that I should stay and make it work because my husband doesn't beat me or cheat on me,and many women would be grateful for that alone. My husband is much older than me and has a lot of health problems, he has struggled with porn in the past but now does not have much sexual interest, he has told me this much. He drinks a lot and has recently also using pot almost every night. We are so deep in debt.. any money I bring in goes directly to him..he destributes it as he sees fit.I couldn't afford to leave even if I tried. He doesn't hit me but I am so starved for physical affection or just *relationship*..I feel so selfish even saying/typing this.. I am just so unhappy. I have talked to him about it and he says that he is sorry I feel this way, etc. and then will mope around for a few days.. I just really don't know what my point even is. I know that I should be grateful that I am able to stay home with my kids..he lets me have freedom in that area..prefers it that way. I just feel so empty sometimes..that leads to depression and overeating.. thoughts of suicide even, (but I would never do it). I guess that I just feel trapped sometimes. I feel like there is no way I can make a good choice here.. that if I was a good mom..I would just suck it up and co parent and whatever to just get through it (since dh doesn't hit me). I just feel that dh lacks motivation and I just wish that I could feel free to have some without feeling like a bad mother. I hate the drugs and alcohol because I feel like it contributes to him numbing himeself and that leaves me..young and relatively healthy but I feel like I am suffocating. I wish that I could numb myself. Is a passionless marriage my punishment for all youthful indescretions? Is this karma? I feel like I am a selfish bitch for wanting to be happy.. I just feel so much rage building up and I eat to get through those bad feelings and I am just so disgusted with myself, my life.. I don't know what my problem is.

 

[MamaDaednu]

Looking at your sig...are you just at a low point right now, or is it really that bad?

If it's that bad, you have to really examine the truth of why you're staying. I've had to do it myself. What is your marriage teaching your kids about how a couple should interact? About what a woman should expect?

 

[trinity6232000]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Grafted I feel like I am a selfish bitch for wanting to be happy.. I just feel so much rage building up and I eat to get through those bad feelings and I am just so disgusted with myself, my life.. I don't know what my problem is.

Your depressed honey. That's your problem. I don't know if your marriage
is totally to blame for your depression but either way you need to get out
and find a therapist to talk to.

Children model their lives after ours. "Do as I say, not as I do" is worthless.
If your this unhappy, you are not being selfish for wanting to be
happy. If you would be a happier person not in this marriage. You would
be giving your children a better example of life if you left, rather if you
stayed.

You don't have to leave tomorrow to find your happiness. Get involved with
things. Volunteer, join some play groups, find a hobby, get a passion.

First of all, tell that guilt feeling to go f' off. Guilt does nothing but weight
us down. Tell yourself everyday that you deserve to be happy. We all
deserve at least that in life.

 

[mama40]

1. Your money is yours. If you don't want to give it to him, don't. It isn't his and he has no right to it. If you give it to him, it's a gift.

2. Leaving for yourself is one thing, but leaving to seek love and affection from anybody but yourself is another. Please understand that if that's what you're leaving for, you're setting yourself and the kids up for some hard times, because there's no shortage of men who will see your need and be happy to take advantage of you. You might want to go to a women's center or talk to a therapist, or in some way figure out what it is you want to do for yourself, what kind of life you want to make for yourself.

The fact that you say he "lets you have freedom" should tell you something.

3. If things are as you say, it sounds to me like a) you really can't afford to be out of the workforce, since you're sinking in debt; b) your dh is a pretty good alcoholic and drug abuser; c) you're pretty depressed. Is this really what you want to give your kids? Come on, sister -- make the call to a therapist and a support group, and start putting together a healthier life for yourself and your children. Lay the groundwork before you go file for something potentially messy and expensive.

How's it sound?

 

[Grafted]

Hi,

I have read everyone's replies.. lots of stuff to think about, that is for sure.

Mama40..you bring up some things that I (ignorantly) didn't see.. that if I leave in search of validation..some guy will more than happily take advantage of that.. that is what my teen years were spent immersed in

: I am past that whole scene and I wouldn't want to model that for my children....never, ever, ever..EVER.. My mom was a single mom.. and I vowed that I would never divorce unless I was beat or maybe not even then..I am so scared about what it could do to my children, having lived through it as a child of divorce.Ever since I was pregnant with my first..I vowed that I would be a good mom..and I really want to do that. I have talked about going back to school, etc. but Dh says that he needs me to be at home with the kids; period so he can do what he needs to do. He says that it would not be worth it for me to go back to work and that we wouldn't even have enough to make ends meet..we would be worse off than we are now. (We would lose food stamps and on top of it all, I would be even more exausted, etc and not be here for my children

) I just feel like it is a lose-lose situation). I have decided that I am going to wait and see what happens. Yes, I am stressed out at times at home here..but if I was in a women's shelter or something, I would likely be even more stressed out and I know that I am physically safe here and I know that emotionally, it is more stable for the kids to have both parents here, I think. I signed up for a book study at the local library and I am going to try to get out more like that..maybe try to meet some friends or something; I really don't have any friends, so that is a good suggestion. I just feel so self conscious and awkward around other moms. Dh called a few times from work today.. He knows that I am unhappy and I feel bad about that. I just wish I could be content and hunky dory and oblivious to discontent. I wish that I could be okay with the pain meds, the drinking, the drugs..but it really makes me feel so alone. I don't have anything to numb myself with--except food..and I refuse to continue to eat myself into a living coma. All in all, my dh has many good qualities. He didn't abandon me when I became pregnant..He really loves the kids and is generally a good dad, he doesn't hit me or lust after other women..he is content to have clean clothes and food and minimal housework done. I can't help but feel that the problem is *me*. That I should just accept him for who he is..for our children and also, for myself in a way. Maybe.. I don't know. I do know that I have been struggling with depression for a long, long time. I saw a therapist briefly but then we lost insurance for me..so there it went. It sort of comes in cycles..but lately the downs seems to be more than the good times. I don't want to screw up anyones life.. I am so thankful that I can come here and "verbalize" these thoughts.. I have no one in real life who I could talk to.. people would just gossip and I would feel more ashamed than I do currently. I try to put on the happy face and to "pull up my bootstraps", .. but I just get so sad lately, (like...the last year and a half to 2 years). I am scared to go see a therapist because I don't want to go on medication..I am scared about what it could do to my body, etc. and my mind..any future babies, or ones I am breastfeeding, etc.

Thank you for all of the advice..I will really meditate on these things..

 

[mama40]

Hey...check around and see if there are sliding-scale therapists around. You may be able to get back into therapy, and at the very least, you might get a referral to a free clinic for meds. Around here I think the sliding scale goes down to $5. [Oh, whoops. Missed what you said about meds. Listen, I understand, but nothing has to be permanent. I don't like them either, but there are times when I'll take them. The way I see it, my first responsibility is to be here for dd. If I can't handle my problems on my own, and it's affecting dd, meds it is.]

Also, if there's any kind of group around you focused on exercise for mamas, please take advantage of it. Getting back into good shape can do so much for your sense of strength and self-esteem. I know it can be hard to do on your own, but if you have other people to encourage & encouraging you, it's a lot easier. Actually a therapist ought to be able to help you find resources like that, or point you towards someone who knows.

It sounds like you already know this, but it's time to focus more on what you want and less on what your husband wants you to do. The key is the two of you negotiating something you can both live with. Why does he "need you" to be home with the kids, if that's not what you want?

I vowed that I would never divorce unless I was beat or maybe not even then..I am so scared about what it could do to my children, having lived through it as a child of divorce.Ever since I was pregnant with my first..I vowed that I would be a good mom..and I really want to do that.

Hon...not all divorces are alike, and you're not your parents. I am, when I think about it, horrified that I've given my daughter a mentally ill father (who really doesn't have good insight into his own condition). I grew up with serious mental illness in my family, and I know what an awful atmosphere it can create. I even put off having children for a good long time, until I felt sure that I was personally stable enough to do the job right. But I also know that I came out fairly well in the end, and that no matter what happens with the custody situation, she'll have at least one parent who has it together and can consistently be there for her -- both to love & take care of her and to model a life of love, friendship, community, thought, and good work.

If you divorce, it will not be the divorce you grew up in. A good therapist can help you with that, but mostly it'll be your doing.

 

[TAC]

I had always told myslef that I could justify leaving for a better life if my x did any of the following three things.

1. abuse alcolhol/drugs

2. physical abuse

3. adultery

Well, your x is doing number 1. And I learned and so should you that he is abusing you. You don't have to be hit to be a victim of domestic violence. I would suggest you contact your local dv office. Describe some of the incidents and ask them what you think. You are teaching your children its ok to live in this environment. What finally got to me, was not that one of my children may model themself after my x's abusive behavior, but that I was teaching one to be a victim. That that one would grow up to live in the same situation I was in, because that was what he/she would know. I couldn't stand the thought.

Daycare is something that alot of mama's struggle with, it's not so bad, I promise