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So tonight DS was very cranky! He wouldn't take a nap for me this afternoon and only had about 8 hours of sleep last night. We went to the IL's for dinner and after we were done I put DS down from his highchair... he usually sits on the seat or in a booster but tonight wanted the highchair (I think cause it's the closest seat to me) so he walks around the table and tries to go by the chair at the end but there isn't enough room so he starts to cry in a very frustrated way. DH is sitting right there and NEVER looks at him! I said pretty snarkily "would you like to help your son out?! He is trying to get your attention!" he finally reacted, but said, well at school when the kids are whiny I ignore them until I can tell they really need something! I am SUPER angry with this statement even hours later. First off really great teacher skills there dude! and second... since we don't parent by ignoring our child I expect you to leave those tendancies at the door when you get home and RESPOND when DS needs something! THIRD DS isn't even TWO for CRIPES SAKES! I expect you to respond darnit!! Then FIL, aka the peanut gallery who spent the entire evening up to this point talking OVER me to DS whenever I was trying to do anything w/ him (get him to eat, sit, drink) says ... it's good for them to be ignored, they can't think they're the center of the world. DH AGREED with him! I looked at my husband gave him the evil eye, and snapped that's NOT the parenting we agreed to!<br><br>
I'm so ticked off right now! I'm massively hormonal, I need more of a break then I've been getting since this is DH's coaching season, and was hoping since it was ending I could start taking some time for myself in the evenings occasionally before the twins get here... but if he's going to be completely apathetic to DS and his needs I don't feel I can do this! The few times lately I've tried to grab 5 minutes to myself to fold a load of laundry or grab a shower I always hear DS crying... DH has claimed to try to get him to play but says he just wants me... I don't even believe he tries anymore, it's just easier to turn him back over to me!<br><br>
This is totally unlike DH. He's always been a super involved dad, has shared middle of the night duties and everything else as equally as possible since I'm the SAHM and he's the WOHD. He's never complained about getting up inthe middle of the night w/ DS or anything else. But all of a sudden, when I need him to step up the most he's trying to win the award for biggest pain in my butt!<br><br>
The biggest problem is that it's impossible for me to talk about this calmly with him! I'm so beyond irritated that when I try I get angrier and angrier as the conversation progresses and I wind up screaming... which gets me nowhere because he just shuts down!
 

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I didn't want to read and not respond. First, <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">. I can see how this would be very frustrating. If you can't talk about it calmly, maybe let him read the thread? Use it as a start. Or just ask him what is going on with him. Maybe he is nervous about having twins. I know my DH went crazy when I talked about SAH and we only have 1. He could be nervous feeling like he will be the sole provider for 3 kids now. Try checking in with him in general and then maybe write down how you feel. I know what it is like to be hormonal and frustrated about something important and not be able to communicate it.<br><br>
Good luck.
 

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I agree with NewNaturalMom, maybe get him to read what you wrote, or write him an email.<br><br>
Perhaps you can give him some developmental stages articles for him to read, I know that I needed to always put it in perspective for myself when I got frustrated with what I expected my ds to be able to do and what was reasonable regarding his age (in months!).<br><br>
It's important to be on the same page especially since you are expecting twins, which btw, congratulations! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><br><br>
-Melanie
 

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Just wanted to offer a <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I agree with a previous poster-- if this isn't like your DH, it could be related to stress over going from 1 to 3 kids and feeling pressured to be a provider. I hope you'll find the space you need and a good way to communicate with your DH soon!
 

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How does he normally act, as a parent, when his parents are around?<br><br>
I've found that my dh starts to revert back to parenting the way he was raised when fil is around. Until I mention something I wasn't happy with and he realizes what he's doing.
 

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I would refuse to go back to the IL's until your FIL treats you with more respect. I would also tell my DH to grow up and stop acting like his father.<br><br>
I am sorry if he feels pressure because of the twins coming, but you know what? Women don't get the luxury of acting like a butt because of it. We are expected to suck it up and roll with the punches.<br><br>
This is a 1 yr old for cripe's sake!
 

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I don't have any further ideas about the IL situation itself. However, I have a suggestion for your DH. Before having DS, I had TONS of experience with school-aged children (including teaching) but not much with babies, toddlers, or preschoolers. It was really, really difficult to adjust the way I interacted with him to be appropriate for his young age. I had to work against a lot of ingrained habits. What helped me most was reading the Louise Bates Ames books, "Your One-Year-Old," "Your Two-Year-Old," etc.
 

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<span></span>
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>TinkerBelle</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15395906"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I would refuse to go back to the IL's until your FIL treats you with more respect. I would also tell my DH to grow up and stop acting like his father.<br><br>
I am sorry if he feels pressure because of the twins coming, but you know what? Women don't get the luxury of acting like a butt because of it. We are expected to suck it up and roll with the punches.<br><br>
This is a 1 yr old for cripe's sake!</div>
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<span><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:<br><br>
Feel under pressure because you are expecting twins would be no excuse for him to behave like this with a 1yr old imo i'm pretty sure it's going to quite a dramatic change for you yourself op and you aren't doing this<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> to you and your ds.</span>
 

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I feel similar to you, newmommy, when my husband doesn't do anything to meet the kids' needs. I feel a tremendous amount of pressure to be the protector/advocate for my children, particularly when they cannot express their needs. It intensifies when my DH doesn't respond because that means that *I* am the ONLY ONE my child can depend on for support and understanding.<br><br>
This tremendous pressure is about to be tripled for you! Soon you will have three little ones to care for, and it will be difficult to meet everyone's needs promptly all the time. I remember just going from one child to two was intensely stressful.<br><br>
Perhaps if you addressed your concern with your DH so that he can see your perspective and the impact that ignoring your toddler's cries has on YOU? Maybe he has an idea that he is helping to prepare your toddler for the arrival of the twins by not responding right away, but he doesn't realize the impact this delay has on you?<br><br>
Aren't their studies showing a mother's stress response to hearing her child cry? I wish I knew of one, maybe showing your DH the physiological response the crying creates for you would help him reconsider his parenting strategy. It certainly makes sense to me that if you have 3 children (expected) under the age of 2, you do your darndest to keep both mom and kids as happy as possible by meeting everyone's needs promptly.<br><br>
Good luck!
 

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Is it possible he had just tuned out your toddler and when you snapped at him he became defensive and ran with it? I find that I never get the reaction I want when I am snarky.
 

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Could it be that he was just paying more attention to his family? My DH has a hard time parenting around his parents. Not because he doesn't want to, just because he loses track of the kids because he's enjoying being a member of his family instead. He's not great at multi-tasking.
 

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I assume that is how he was raised. And being in his parents' house probably makes him feel on stage in terms of how he parents. Apparently they approve of ignoring children, and ostensibly disappove of paying attention to them. Maybe your DH felt like he'd be criticized if he paid "too much" attention to any "whining" (I put that in quotes because some people consider basically anything other than happy coos from a 1 year old to be whining).<br><br>
Anyway, it's not that I think that's cool, but just a thought from his perspective, that he might have felt very vulnerable to criticism. Probably he felt really bad because he was up for criticism no matter what he did.<br><br>
I'm still on your side, I don't agree with ignoring kids - heck, that's what makes them whiny and demanding, because they don't learn calm and peaceful communication skills for their needs, they have to escalate everything. Also, he should cleave to his wife and not his dad. You might ask him during a calm time if he felt under attack from both of you (you and FIL). It would be interesting to see what he says if you can disarm his defensiveness.
 

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Sounds to me like his behavior was different because he was at his parents' house. Did you snap at him in front of his family? I think talking to him about this matter in private would have been a more prudent method tbh.
 
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