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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So here's the deal. When we brought my son home from the hospital (complications or would have been a home birth) We went to sleep at night with Luke in the Pack'n'play's changing table area for the first few nights. One night, I got up to nurse and ended up falling asleep. For the first time, he slept 3 solid hours, instead of the 1 1/2-2 hours of fussy sleeping. So, since then we have co-slept. Around the 3rd week, I began pumping and feeding because I had horrible thrush on my nipples and it hurt less to pump. So this meant that I had to set my alarm for every 2 hours to get up and pump, which took about half an hour. Add that to up to half an hour of bottle feeding luke, and I was getting about an hour sleep every other hour. So as soon as the pain started to recede at all, I went right back to nursing at night, still bottle feeding a little during the day to give my breasts a break. Now, Luke is 9 weeks old. He rarely falls asleep without me, and wants to be held all the time, awake or asleep. My fiancee is complaining that Luke cries all the time if he isn't being held, and people have started telling him that 3 months should be the limit on cosleeping, I shouldn't feed him as often (he eats about every 1/2 hour during the day, although not much each time), and we should leave him to cry for 10 minutes before picking him up if he has been burped, fed, and changed. (Man i wish people would butt out with their unwanted advice!!!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br>
So basically, how do I take a firm stand without leaving Jim out? After all it is his baby and he should get some say in how we raise our son. But I can't back down with the feedings, and I gave him a week of Luke sleeping in the cradle for at least part of the night, and now I am getting about the same amount of sleep as when I was pumping, because Luke hates the cradle and I have to sit there with my finger in his mouth rocking the cradle until he falls asleep. So I am going to have to come up with something new to do, but what?<br>
Any suggestions?<br><br>
*************************************<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bfinfant.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bfinfant">: for 2 months, Mother of 1 <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/babyboy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Babyboy">: and 3 <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/angel1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Angel1"> trying to <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/familybed1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Familybed1">
 

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i dont know what to tell you. i have a very good baby, but he also doesnt want to be left alone..he is happy if he is with me and he wont sleep without me. he's 6 months old. everyone says that he is a very happy baby, so i must be doing something right.<br>
it sounds like you want to involve your finance in your baby but it doesnt sound like he really knows the benefits of co-sleeping (is he willing to get up all night with the baby...if not, why should you? kwim?).<br>
i guess i would print out some articles from here and give to him to read. if he can't take the time to read them and discuss them, then he isn't that interested in parenting your son, but instead is just listening to everyone else tell him babies should sleep by themselves by x months or whatever.<br>
im sure your fiance is nice, but thats a really unfair stance to take with babies. they don't know that they are not supposed to sleep with you. all they want is to be with their mommies.<br>
sorry you have had problems bf'ing. glad to see that its going better.<br>
i dont mean to sound judgmental..i may be pms'ing right now and "men" are not at the top of my list right now. i am trying to help, but realize my tone may not be the best right now. pls. forgive me for that.<br>
good luck!<br>
rach
 

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First of all <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
Next, have you considered using a cosleeper, or backing the crib up to the bed? That would certianly deal with 2 issues...The bf-ing at night, and the co-sleeping possibly bothering your fiancee.<br><br>
As for the unsolicited advice, there is so much of that out there. It must be hard if he is taking it to heart. He does have a say, but ultimately you are the mother and you need to listen to your mama instincts <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
I hope that doesn't cause too much trouble for the two of you.<br><br>
Also, nursing isn't just about feeding, it is about comfort and baby feeling secure. Alot of people only equate bf-ing with physical nourishment, which is a shame for both baby AND mother...both of you benefit from the solid nursing relationship.<br><br>
I just know you can get over this hurdle <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
HTH, Kelly
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
To aisraeltax, the only reason I am giving Jim as much lee-way as I am is because I know he has no prior experience with infants beyond seeing them once and a while at family get-togethers or the perfectly quiet ones in the store. I am trying soooo hard to include him, and not just put up a wall with what I want. I think he really is trying to understand my point of view, but it is hard when this is our first child, and there are so many different opinions of parenting out there, that it is hard not to listen, especially when they have raised more than one successfully, you know?<br>
To BelovedK, the cradle is right next to the bed and I can rock him while I lay down. The only problem is that the bars are too close together for me to get my hand through, so if he is not only stirring, but fussy, I have to sit up to touch him. I have the same problem with the other crib that we have. As for the nursing thing, would you believe people think it is actually BAD to comfort feed? I had to hear that from Jim's unnamed source, too!<br>
Thank you both for the help!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>BelovedK</strong></div>
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As for the unsolicited advice, there is so much of that out there. It must be hard if he is taking it to heart. He does have a say, but ultimately you are the mother and you need to listen to your mama instincts <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br><br>
I just know you can get over this hurdle <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br></div>
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I agree with this...you are the mama and you have the instincts. You know what your baby needs. I'm sorry you are going through this with your fiancee...it's too bad he isn't more understanding. Do you guys have a sling? Would he wear the baby and perhaps bond in that way so he would feel like he was soothing the baby too? Maybe when Luke (my son's name too!) is bigger and if you guys are cosleeping, he will roll right over to daddy and snuggle him. That always melts my dh's heart. Good luck. Mary
 

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I would try making the crib (if you have one) into a sidecar arragment. This will give you all a little more room, but still give you and Luke the benefits of cosleeping.<br><br>
A friend and her DH argued about cosleeping, so because her dd took a bottle she made him get up to feed and comfort her dd one night...after that he never made a peep about cosleeping again. Untill they go through it, men just dont get it.<br><br>
As for the unwanted advice.....I have developed the art of smiling and letting it go in one ear and out the other.<br><br>
Good luck
 

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<div style="font-style:italic;">A friend and her DH argued about cosleeping, so because her dd took a bottle she made him get up to feed and comfort her dd one night...after that he never made a peep about cosleeping again. Untill they go through it, men just dont get it.<br><br>
As for the unwanted advice.....I have developed the art of smiling and letting it go in one ear and out the other.<br><br>
Good luck</div>
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Yep, my dh wasn't to sure about co-sleeping when I began talking about it with our 4th dc. UNTIL, I started doing it and he was able to sleep through the night without being interrupted. (His job had always been to bring me the bub and to burp after I BF!!) Now he raves about it and we both wished we had done it with our other dc.<br><br>
Good luck and be strong with your motherly instincts!! Mommy (and baby) know best! (not mil, nosy friends, ect....)
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>lukesmom2006</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">My fiancee is complaining that Luke cries all the time if he isn't being held, and people have started telling him that 3 months should be the limit on cosleeping,</div>
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First off, my son was exactly like this. He was an in arms/in lap/in sling baby. He screamed if we didn't hold him all the time - but he slept fine if held by me or dh or our au pair. He hated to be held by anyone he didn't know. He rarely slept on his own and only after 7 or so months old. He also nursed every 45 minutes- 1 hour until he hit around 4 months.<br><br>
That is his personality. He is now 2 1/2, sleeps in his own bed (all night most nights), is happy, independent little kid. He is still wary of new people but is very friendly when in an environment he knows.<br><br>
My second is much more mellow - I can put him down to sleep, play on his own, he nurses every 2 - 3 hours, he happily is held by strangers, etc. Recently, he has started pushing away from me in the middle of the night and crawling into the crib (we side car it) to get more space. That has been his personality from day one.<br><br>
Tell your fiance that you do what you gotta do with the kid you have. If something is working - like Luke sleeping in your bed, then why change it? A big part of parenting is recognizing the needs and the personality of the child you have, NOT trying to change your child to fit some fictional "average" behavior.<br><br>
I recommend sharing Dr James McKenna's research with your fiance - perhaps if he sees the science behind co-sleeping, he will be able to change his expectations for your child. Google James McKenna and you'll find lots of great stuff.<br><br>
BTW, I asked my dh the other day how many times he wakes up in the middle of the night when I wake up to nurse ds2 - he says "never". He is a massive co-sleeping advocate because he knows that it is the only way we get any sleep.<br><br>
Hope this helps!<br><br>
Siobhan
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thank you guys so much for the advice. I don't think that Jim's problem has to do with space or his lack of sleep. As far as I know he doesn't wake up when I nurse when we co-sleep, although if Luke is in the crib, then he ends up crying before I wake up, which is one of the reasons i hate not cosleeping, because when we do, and he wakes up hungry, i wake up to see him sucking on his hands, one of his first cues, long before the crying would start. I think the reason Jim has a problem with it is because he has this mistaken idea that you can teach an infant independence from day one. He complains that Luke won't sleep by himself, he has to have his face right under or on my breast. Which I think is perfectly fine, but he has a problem with it. Also, that's not entirely true, because when we all go to family get togethers, everyone BUT me holds him (they steal him from me and won't give him back unless he's hungry!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/innocent.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shy"> ) and he sleeps in all their arms too, even when they move him around and pass him from woman to woman.<br><br>
Meanwhile, I went to Dr. Sear's website, and have decided I am going to bring his book home from the library and make Jim read it, especially the part about how both mother and baby benefit so much from co-sleeping, and how leaving a baby to cry it out only completely ruins the mother-child communication, and if you are prompt to respond to him then he learns to cry better, rather than cry harder, which happens when you just let him cry.<br>
Hopefully, that combined with the advice you guys gave will help my problem!
 

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Great!<br><br>
Also, quoted below is from Dr James McKenna, Professor of Anthropology and the Director of the Center for Behavioral Studies of Mother-Infant Sleep, Notre Dame University.<br><br><a href="http://www.naturalchild.com/james_mckenna/babies_need.html" target="_blank">http://www.naturalchild.com/james_mc...bies_need.html</a><br><br>
Babies Need Their Mothers Beside Them<br>
by James J. McKenna, Ph.D.<br>
Throughout human history, breast-feeding mothers sleeping alongside their infants constituted a marvelously adaptive system in which both the mothers' and infants' sleep physiology and health were connected in beneficial ways. By sleeping next to its mother, the infant receives protection, warmth, emotional reassurance, and breast milk - in just the forms and quantities that nature intended.<br><br>
This sleeping arrangement permits mothers (and fathers) to respond quickly to the infant if it cries, chokes, or needs its nasal passages cleared, its body cooled, warmed, caressed, rocked or held. This arrangement thus helps to regulate the infant's breathing, sleep state, arousal patterns, heart rates and body temperature. The mother's proximity also stimulates the infant to feed more frequently, thus receiving more antibodies to fight disease.<br>
....<br><br>
- click on above link to read the rest of the article
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>siobhang</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">First off, my son was exactly like this. He was an in arms/in lap/in sling baby. He screamed if we didn't hold him all the time - but he slept fine if held by me or dh or our au pair. He hated to be held by anyone he didn't know. He rarely slept on his own and only after 7 or so months old. He also nursed every 45 minutes- 1 hour until he hit around 4 months.<br><br>
That is his personality. He is now 2 1/2, sleeps in his own bed (all night most nights), is happy, independent little kid. He is still wary of new people but is very friendly when in an environment he knows.<br><br>
My second is much more mellow - I can put him down to sleep, play on his own, he nurses every 2 - 3 hours, he happily is held by strangers, etc. Recently, he has started pushing away from me in the middle of the night and crawling into the crib (we side car it) to get more space. That has been his personality from day one.<br><br>
Tell your fiance that you do what you gotta do with the kid you have. If something is working - like Luke sleeping in your bed, then why change it? A big part of parenting is recognizing the needs and the personality of the child you have, NOT trying to change your child to fit some fictional "average" behavior.<br><br>
I recommend sharing Dr James McKenna's research with your fiance - perhaps if he sees the science behind co-sleeping, he will be able to change his expectations for your child. Google James McKenna and you'll find lots of great stuff.<br><br>
BTW, I asked my dh the other day how many times he wakes up in the middle of the night when I wake up to nurse ds2 - he says "never". He is a massive co-sleeping advocate because he knows that it is the only way we get any sleep.<br><br>
Hope this helps!<br><br>
Siobhan</div>
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This is exactly what I was trying to say in my post. Thanks Siobhan! So clear! I gave Dr. McKenna's info. to my mom who thinks kids will never leave your bed once co-sleeping, and she has never said anything since. It's a great idea to give Jim this info. My husband also thinks Luc sleeps through the night...<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> Good luck! Mary
 

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I'm currently reading "The Continuum Concept" and feeling more and more validated in my AP parenting choices. Here's a link that explains the book and the principles of child-rearing it espouses:<br><br><a href="http://www.continuum-concept.org/" target="_blank">http://www.continuum-concept.org/</a><br><br>
Everything you talk about in your post is perfectly natural, appropriate behavior for your baby. Until they become mobile themselves, babies have an instinctual expectation that they will be in constant physical contact with their caregivers, including co-sleeping and nursing on demand. So of COURSE he cries when he's not being held (although admittedly, some babies are mellower and don't express as much of a need to be held all the time). Scheduling or otherwise delaying feedings and making your baby cry out of hunger is not good for your child's mental, physical, and emotional development (or for your milk supply, for that matter). Good job getting through your early struggles with breastfeeding - don't let anyone try to give you advice about how often your baby should eat, because all that is likely to do is sabotage your breastfeeding relationship. Most of that "advice" is based on formula feeding anyway and has no bearing on a breastfed baby.<br><br>
I have gone through a lot of similar struggles with my DH, and I feel like we've come out the other side as much better parents. He was inclined to listen to in-laws and doctors who recommended CIO as the "only" way to "train" the baby to sleep and get good sleep ourselves. I stood my ground with co-sleeping, though, giving him all of the hard science to back it up. He begrudgingly agreed to try it for a while, and now he loves it as much as I do, and there's no end in sight (DS is 20 months old). Just this morning, DH said, with this goofy grin on his face, "That boy is so sweet - he was cuddled up to me all night long." I can't imagine the closeness we would have missed out on as a family if we had chosen to parent DS differently at night.<br><br>
Good luck, and stick to your guns - it's worth it!
 
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