[Koalamom]

My sister used to visit all the time with her 4 young kids. My 3 yr dd loves when they come over. But whenever she comes over, she brings outside food, candy, cookies, chips, or even pizza, lots of snacky food as tat is just what they like to eat. I would normally be fine with my dd having a treat, but she reacts with terrible rashes that bleed easily. So I told my sister she was not allowed to bring outside food over because it was not fair to my dd. I offer our food to her kids, but they just don't like apples or "healthy" snacks.<br><br>
Now instead of her coming over 2x a week, she comes over once or even less a month. Did I go too far?

 

[swd12422]

Not IMO. Your DD is a little on the young side to understand why her cousins get to eat things she's not allowed to have. I think your sister is off her rocker, teaching her kids they can just walk into someone's house with their own stash of food. It's rude. I get that those with allergies and special diets might need to do this, but seriously? B/c they "don't like" fruit??? It's not like you only serve whole goat's milk you just expressed from the nanny out back, fer pete's sake.<br><br>
Is there anything "special" you could bake that your DD can have and that the other kids might view as a "treat?" So it's not just plain fruit, which, I admit, I would have turned my nose up at as a kid, too. (Although I was taught that if that's what's offered, I eat it or be hungry til I get home. My mom would be mortified if I'd shown up at someone's house, even a relative's, with my own food b/c it implies that they're not good enough hosts to provide for their guests.)

 

[mbbinsc]

I would have done the same as you. Not only do you have to deal with the food while they are in your house, but also the lingering allergens left when they leave. I would find it hard to relax in my own home. And you need a safe place to relax!

 

[WuWei]

Could you meet somewhere and both bring your own food? Maybe bring safe snacky foods or a safe pizza for everyone to share? Or eat before meeting up, so the kids are not hungry and bring some special snacks for the kids?<br><br>
Pat

 

[EFmom]

To be honest, if I were your sister, I probably wouldn't visit you in your home at all after that.<br><br>
Maybe you could find some neutral territory, like a park?

 

[mamafish9]

I think it's a totally reasonable request - but I also know it's challenging to take 4 kids anywhere without familiar snacks.<br><br>
Can you talk with our sister and come up with a snack plan? Tell her you miss her visits, and want to work out a solution that works for both of you? Safe cookies or chips, or something like that, where you can feel comfortable your DD will be able to eat, and your sister will have something her kids are happy to eat?

 

[tanyalynn]

I don't think the request you made was unreasonable. My kids have to watch other people eating stuff they'd like and can't have quite often, and basically they have to deal with it. But I think our house should be different, with very few exceptions, I don't want food brought in that they can't have, and not on a 2x/wk basis. I want to protect this space where they can feel and be normal.<br><br>
I can see that it would be a difficult transition to someone used to eating everything though, especially with young kids. Helping find a solution that will work, familiar things like GF crackers and peanut butter (are you ok with nuts/peanuts?) or something like that would provide practical help to your sister as well as letting her know that you value her and her kids, but you need to find something that works for your daughter as well.

 

[AllyRae]

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>EFmom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15426419"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">To be honest, if I were your sister, I probably wouldn't visit you in your home at all after that.<br><br>
Maybe you could find some neutral territory, like a park?</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Yes, this. My kids all have allergies (between the three of them, there are peanut, tree nut, dairy, egg, and gluten IgE confirmed allergies). My children know there are foods they can't eat, even the 3 year old. Unless one of the foods presents a danger to the children even if they DON'T eat it (like peanuts via smell), I don't restrict what other people bring over, just as I would hope that people don't restrict the fact that I have to bring special food to other people's houses because my kids *can't* eat what's being served. Your sister might think it's unfair that she can't bring the things that her kids eat and it's a hassle for her to hear them saying they are hungry the whole time. So for her, maybe she'd rather miss the visit than listen to her kids say they are hungry because they can't have the food they like.<br><br>
I guess I personally would either find allergen-friendly versions of what the kids *do* eat, meet on neutral ground, or apologize to your sister and work on a way that your children and hers can both eat their foods in your house (maybe keep a room open for the allergen foods to remain in and keep your daughter out, or even teach your daughter "no no, that will hurt your belly". All of my food allergic children were told that even before they were a year old and they are pretty good at following that (the 1 year old doesn't fully understand, but I'll just remove her from the area and get her a snack she does like and she's usually cool with that. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> )<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
ETA: If the food in question produces reactions even without your child eating it, that's a whole other cup of tea and your sister might be able to understand if you say that your child has severe allergic reactions to airborne peanut dust, etc.

 

[DevaMajka]

If someone said that to me, I would definitely not be offended. I may visit less often, if it was a problem for my kids though. It wouldn't be out of spite or unhappiness or anything like that.<br><br>
Could you come to some sort of snack arrangment, where she can bring whatever her kids will eat, and you can make your dd a safe version of it for her? I'm not sure what her sensitivities are, or if that would be possible.<br>
But that's only if the crumbs won't cause problems for her.<br><br>
Or maybe she'd be willing to come over right after lunch, when her kids won't need a snack.<br><br>
But either way, I think it's important to call and tell her you miss her visits, and that you just don't want your dd to be in pain from the food, and you want to find a solution.

 

[mama1803]

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>tanyalynn</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15426455"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I don't think the request you made was unreasonable. My kids have to watch other people eating stuff they'd like and can't have quite often, and basically they have to deal with it. But I think our house should be different, with very few exceptions, I don't want food brought in that they can't have, and not on a 2x/wk basis. I want to protect this space where they can feel and be normal.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">

 

[scsigrl]

Not to far at all. Your home, your rules. I can't believe some of you who have kids with food allergies would be okay with things that could kill your kids being in your home just to make peace.<br><br>
I ask others if they will be bringing nut/nutbutters to playgroups. If they answer yes, we just don't go. Not worth it to me. They will often make something different that doesn't contain nuts. I don't ask them to and I am sure the thank them a lot for doing so. My family, I even ask they don't do nuts if we are over and if they do, we leave.

 

[EFmom]

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>scsigrl</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15427741"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Not to far at all. Your home, your rules. I can't believe some of you who have kids with food allergies would be okay with things that could kill your kids being in your home just to make peace.<br></div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
While I agree that you get to set the rules in your own home, your sister also gets to decide whether it's worth the irritation to visit or not.

 

[onlyboys]

Does your child have food allergies? My son has Celiac and while we don't restrict foods brought into our homes, my family and my friends are typically considerate enough to think about him and bring an Asher-friendly snack as well. Perhaps you could talk to your sister about how you feel<br><br>
If it's just a preferential thing, like you don't like your children eating high fructose corn syrup, then it seems unrealistic and a little unfair.

 

[choli]

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>EFmom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15427769"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">While I agree that you get to set the rules in your own home, your sister also gets to decide whether it's worth the irritation to visit or not.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
and obviously it is inconvenient enough to cut her visits down significantly. I guess it's up to the OP to decide whether it was worth it.

 

[mamafish9]

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>choli</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15427906"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">and obviously it is inconvenient enough to cut her visits down significantly.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I don't think sibling relationships are nearly that straightforward <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment">.<br><br>
One thing I think might be relevant here is the history before you told her not to bring food into your home, bluebirdmama. If she is aware of your daughter's reactions, if your daughter has had reactions from food brought in, if you have asked for safe snacks to come and they haven't... all those things could impact what the right next step might be. If it's just about education and/or finding some snacking common ground, that sounds like a fairly easy conversation to navigate. If she's ignored previous requests and/or doesn't respect the seriousness of your daughter needing to avoid these foods, that's a more complicated issue, IMO - and one that's not *really* about the snacks.

 

[choli]

Perhaps try asking your DD if she would be OK with her cousins having snacks that she can't have, if it means they would come over more often.

 

[balancedmama]

Why don't you just ask her?

 

[happysmileylady]

Do you know which foods it is that your dd is reacting to? Have you tried requesting that your sister limit WHICH foods she brings, rather than outright banning all food.<br><br>
If my sister came to me and just said, hey, can you stop bringing food when you come over, I would be irked. If she said, Hey, listen, Zach seems to be reacting to XXX with rashes, would you mind not bringing XXX? Maybe next time bring YYY instead? That wouldn't bother me. OR, even, Zach is having some problems with rashes and we think they are food related, but aren't sure which foods, could you not bring anything over until we get it figured out? We are trying to track exactly what he is eating, and with 5 kids running around, it's impossible to track that if you bring in extra stuff.<br><br>
I don't think the request, in and of itself, is unreasonable, but the way it's presented would make all the difference. And I am betting that if she's reacting by just not coming over, there was something about how it was presented that irked her

 

[Koalamom]

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mamafish9</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15427998"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I don't think sibling relationships are nearly that straightforward <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment">.<br><br>
One thing I think might be relevant here is the history before you told her not to bring food into your home, bluebirdmama. If she is aware of your daughter's reactions, if your daughter has had reactions from food brought in, if you have asked for safe snacks to come and they haven't... all those things could impact what the right next step might be. If it's just about education and/or finding some snacking common ground, that sounds like a fairly easy conversation to navigate. If she's ignored previous requests and/or doesn't respect the seriousness of your daughter needing to avoid these foods, that's a more complicated issue, IMO - and one that's not *really* about the snacks.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Yeah our relationship is complicated. You see now that she knows how I feel about outside food, she doesn't come over as often, but when she does, she STILL brings the bad food. She really thinks I am just over the top crazy and she just forget about any health issues my kids may have. She is very relaxed with her kids. Her son was born with minor spina bifida (sp?) and he needed physical therapy and she does nothing. Her kids eat cheese puffs for breakfast, seriously, and her kids teeth are rotting out. She really thinks that food choices have no correlation to health and I am overreacting.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>choli</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15428068"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Perhaps try asking your DD if she would be OK with her cousins having snacks that she can't have, if it means they would come over more often.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Our big issue is that her kids leave food everywhere and my 9 month old walking ds is finding the crumbs, and eating them. He has terrible food allergies. Drove me crazy when she brought cinnamon rolls the other day. It was all over the house and I couldn't wait for her to leave. I had to keep ds off the floor- a running baby - for hours.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>DevaMajka</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15426731"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Or maybe she'd be willing to come over right after lunch, when her kids won't need a snack.<br></div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I always hope for shorter visits, but she lives almost an hour away so when she comes, she likes to stay all day. If it is only for an hour or two she wouldn't think the trip was worth it.<br><br><br>
What is really going through my mind is is the relationship with my dd and her cousins more important than her getting rashes all over? Is it more important that I should be ok with ds crying from stomach pain? There are no other kids for my dd to be with other than a couple of babies at church, really not much interaction with them anyway. Am I letting food allergies get in the way of a healthy family relationship. The only changing is clearly going to be me as any explaining has just turned to no visiting.

 

[lookatreestar]

i dunno. i think whatever works for the well being of your kids. yeah its nice to have family over but not if it is causing your dd physical pain (ie rashes). my sister might not agree but she would probably comply.<br><br>
eta i can't fathom kids that wouldn't eat apples/fruit while visiting family. its just for a day/few hours! even as a teenager i had a hard time turning down food that my bffs mom cooked or whatever.