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I joined mdc for the sounding board of all the people on it. I did ap'ing without knowing there was a name for it. If I had found this place earlier I would have probably nursed them longer and would not have had ds circ <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/duck.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Duck">: But that said, other than a few tweaks, there isn't much I would change.<br><br>
me<br><br>
I have sectioned off my life into different times. 19+ married with kids, high school and then before high school. Married with kids is great. I like that. Suits me well and I am a good mama... most the time <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> . High school was a gray zone. I look at those four year as rebuilding myself and walling off parts that needed to be kept silent. During that time, I talked to few, spent most my time in my room or otherwise alone and just in general did a good job blending into the woodwork. I did not want to be seen.<br><br>
I am a master of compartmentalizing and forgetting. Even as I sit here now, I can feel my brain kicking into gear to quiet down the memories. It's a feeling as if my brain is breathing air. Light and dizzy. They aren't kidding when they say the mind is the most powerful thing on the planet.<br><br>
That people actually remember their childhoods is a surprise...<br><br>
...I don't cry when I think of it. I don't feel angry. I don't feel sad or sorry. I definately don't feel strong. The only thing I feel is guilty and dead...<br><br><br><br><br><br><br>
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Don't worry about coming here needy <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
You sound like a wonderful, loving mama. That is amazing, considering the situation you grew up in.<br><br>
There are good reasons for that process of forgetting or compartmentalizing - it is what enabled you to survive with a beautiful and strong enough heart to become the Mama you are today. You may already know this, but that process is called 'dissociation' and there are many of here who experience it too.<br><br>
There comes a time in most of our lives where keeping the painful memories buried becomes more harmful than the actual memories. It takes a lot of energy to keep that kind of stuff blocked off. I reached a point where I simply couldn't do it anymore. I can't say that I chose to face the abuse in my past, I simply had to deal with it eventually.<br><br>
This forum has been a place of caring and support that has helped me enormously.<br><br>
Dealing with the pain doesn't have to happen all at once. It is good to go slowly and gently. Coming here is a good step. Maybe do some reading, when you feel ready.<br><br>
A book that was super-helpful to me is called "Reclaiming Your Inner Child" by Lucia Cappacione.<br><br>
Take good care <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/heartbeat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="heartbeat">
 

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welcome <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">There are good reasons for that process of forgetting or compartmentalizing - it is what enabled you to survive with a beautiful and strong enough heart to become the Mama you are today.</td>
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and what will be your power to heal and overcome all that has been. As I read your OP I became so appreciative for the flow of your words... the way they came right from inside and christened the page with emotion.... it is a strength found deep within confusion and for that to pass through into writing is a great and glorious step!<br><br>
I have a feeling that you know your mind inside out and back to front and now you are at a place within where you need to go.. within the within. To the centre... then it will all make sense. From the centre you get to see all around you and from there you can heal and make peace.<br><br>
You are there when you allow yourself to BE that which you are inspired to be and you are here bec you are taking that inspiration to the next level: into action. You are here bec you answered the call of your quiet inner voice and that takes courage beyond bravery. Thank you for sharing this part of yourself with us - this vulnerable, enduring and deep aspect of your life. It isn't easy to deal with things that bring us into a place of discomfort within, but breakdown is what often leads to breakthrough. May this place be a safe haven for you, sister, as you take your journey within the within. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Welcome and <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">. Many of us wish that we didn't need to be here, but we've made it through and continue to make it through our various situations. Don't feel needy. We all need someone to talk with, so you aren't alone. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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we all have our needy times; to me that is partly why this forum is here - to give us a place where we can SAFELY express those needs and then when we can to help support others.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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It's a coping tool. It's how we survive. You were strong to live though that. Now you are even stronger, willing to talk about it.<br><br>
Welcome.
 

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