[gaialice]

Hi,
I find myself constantly bending over backwards to try and say "yes" to most of the requests of my 4-year-old and 2-year-old. I have to say, most of their requests are not unreasonable, or I would say no. However, so many requests pile up that I find that at the end a lot of time is wasted on petty things and I do not get done what I initially wanted to do. I feel like their needs are always met better and more consistently than mine.
My mom was the same as me in many ways. She has loved me unconditionally. And that is a great gift. However, all her constant work to please each one of us (4 kids) did really not give me a role model of self-esteem. Her needs always came last. As a young kid I quickly established a strong personality but later on in life I lacked a role model for self-compassion, self-respect and I still lack that today although I hide my own insecurities better than her. I am wondering if my parenting will be perpetuating this.... I would appreciate your inputs on this .....
Mommy to 4-year-old dd1

2-year-old dd2

 

[maya44]

I was raised in a manner where children's NEEDS came before the needs and wants of adults, but Adult WANTS came before the wants of children.

In other words, my parents always put my NEEDS first. But when it came to things that were pure wants my parents wants came first, though they often "wanted" to do what we kids did.

This is how I am raising my children. Its definitely not TCS, but I saw my parents having good self esteem and a feeling that as my mother said "being an adult has its privleges." I was happy this way. I am raising my kids this way.

I understand many here are uncomfortable with this. But it works for me and my family.

 

[chfriend]

Quote:

Originally Posted by gaialice However, so many requests pile up that I find that at the end a lot of time is wasted on petty things and I do not get done what I initially wanted to do. .. Mommy to 4-year-old dd1 2-year-old dd2

Your kids are about the same ages as mine. It's exhausting, but completely worth it to put in the effort at these ages to be with them as they explore the world.

I'm wondering what "petty things" you feel like you're "wasting" your time on and what things you're not getting done that you initially wanted to do.

I know that the time I spend cooking, reading, telling stories, doing science projects, talking about math, stacking blocks and on and on are not petty or wasted. Are those the sort of things you are talking about?

I know that sometimes I need to remind myself *how* important what I do at home is.

ETA: In my family of origin, grown-up wants came before kid wants but not needs as well. My many brothers and sisters have trouble figuring out what they want as a result. They can id needs, but not wants.

I want my kids to be able to figure out what they want and GO for it. So, I pay a lot of attention to what they want and work to facilitate it. I like it this way, but your mileage may vary.

 

[TanyaMT]

I deal with it by getting a break after DH gets home. DS gets me all day long and I try to follow his lead, even if I would rather not do X, Y or Z. Then, when DH gets home he gives me a break in the evening to recharge my batteries for the next day, resting, reading, hot bath, whatever and meet my needs and wants for some quiet time or my hobbies. On weekends we do some things together and each gives the other one some time without DS. DH plays a sport so I watch him. And then DH watches him while I sew or whatever for a little while.

I think that is key. DS his all his needs and most of his wants met (at least the ones that are healthy for him - wanting icecream for breakfast is out) and he sees each of us pursuing some of our own interests as well to model.

 

[Sarihah]

Quote:

Originally Posted by maya44 I was raised in a manner where children's NEEDS came before the needs and wants of adults, but Adult WANTS came before the wants of children. In other words, my parents always put my NEEDS first. But when it came to things that were pure wants my parents wants came first, though they often "wanted" to do what we kids did. This is how I am raising my children. Its definitely not TCS, but I saw my parents having good self esteem and a feeling that as my mother said "being an adult has its privleges." I was happy this way. I am raising my kids this way. I understand many here are uncomfortable with this. But it works for me and my family.

I have a similar style, and one of the reasons it appeals to me is that it conveys the message that every family member is important. The model I'm giving my daughter is not one in which a mother is without her own wants and needs, and I think that's a good, healthy model for her own life when she's a mother.

It's important to spend a certain amount of time on child directed activities, but not all day every day.

 

[Dal]

I find that I need to be doing something in addition to taking care of Simon to keep my self-esteem in check and to keep myself feeling fully excited about life. Perhaps I still need some external validation? This could be it, but it's only part of it. I am finally -- after more than a year of leave -- getting back into my academic work and I'm LOVING it. It makes me feel so good and it's just very exciting to be working on a project and hoping to submit it for publication. Dh helps out a lot and I try to work while Simon naps and stay up later than I should... but it is worth it for me.

Perhaps finding something else that you are passionate about and can hone those skills will help -- if you aren't doing that already. I also feel that Simon will be proud that his mom has a PhD and is a prof (or whatever). That doesn't sound that good, but I can't help but see it that way. I have friends whose parents are doctors and know how much pride it has given to them. It doesn't have to be academic, of course, but I like the idea of becoming accomplished in something tangible -- teaching, knitting, playing guitar, speaking another language, being a car mechanic, whatever appeals to you -- mainly for yourself, but a side effect will be that this shows your children that you care about other things and are one very talented woman!

I'll hush now.

 

[gaialice]

Thanks for the replies.

Quote:

Originally Posted by chfriend Time I spend cooking, reading, telling stories, doing science projects, talking about math, stacking blocks and on and on are not petty or wasted. Are those the sort of things you are talking about?

No, definetely not. I treasure those moments. The things you mention are not petty to me. I am more referring to "I do not want to wear this dress", (= time wasted to get another) or I want to pour the water myself (= one more spill) need for gentle pressure to put shoes on (while you are waiting at the door to go out), YKWIM , maybe it is 5 minutes here and 2 minutes there but time IS precious and it does add up. I do say yes, but it is draining.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dal I find that I need to be doing something in addition to taking care of Simon to keep my self-esteem in check and to keep myself feeling fully excited about life.

The things is, I do work outside the house, full time on the top of it, and my work is fulfilling. But at home, I need to find more of a balance especially as I am very often alone with the two kids, so the idea of having some alone time while dh watches the two is out also...

Quote:

Originally Posted by chfriend In my family of origin, grown-up wants came before kid wants but not needs as well. My many brothers and sisters have trouble figuring out what they want as a result. They can id needs, but not wants. I want my kids to be able to figure out what they want and GO for it. So, I pay a lot of attention to what they want and work to facilitate it. I like it this way, but your mileage may vary.

I share this 100% -- I knew I had chosen the right preschool for dd1 when the teacher said: "It is wonderful to see a child with such an exact understanding and communication of her wants". It really is. But it is also important for her to see her mom having some of her own needs met. It will also be good for her when she is a mother.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sarihah The model I'm giving my daughter is not one in which a mother is without her own wants and needs, and I think that's a good, healthy model for her own life when she's a mother.

So the QUESTION is ....HOW do you do this GENTLY?