GD help! Please!

Somtimes I get kicked out and told I haven't signed in when I try writing a post too. I don't know why and it doesn't happen all the time.

About your ds - he is getting quite the reaction from you! I think you may be reinforcing his behavior by your repsonses. Also, it sounds like attention seeking behavior, so try giving him some attention before he goes in for the attack. If he gives you any warning signs that he's getting ready to do one of these innapropriate things, head him off with a game or a story - something where you just focus on him.

If not and he gets you anyway, try getting down on his level, hold his hand, look him in the eye and say "we do not spit in our family". I, personally, would take it one step further and do a time out for him. Four minutes sitting in a chair with a quick explanation - "you have a time out for spitting at mommy. We do not spit in our family." I know, not everyone likes time outs, but I think they can be a great way to keep behavior from escalating.

Above all, try to remain calm and unemotional. I know that is hard - lol.

He certainly is getting a reaction from me...and I wish that weren't the case. Work in progress, I guess. I feel like I give him tons of attention, but maybe as I mentioned in my first post because he's an extravert, I just don't "get" how much he needs...myself being more intraverted. He's an "attention sponge" and sometimes, I'm about wrung dry! I was thinking about "Playful Parenting" today...maybe I should re-read some of that. It seems to me that I've tried starting a new game in the past to get things redirected. Not sure that it was always successful, though, I think I remember the behavior escalating a lot of times. The new game has to be just fun enough to get his attention, but not so much fun that it spirals out of control!

Calm and unemotional...yeah, tough stuff! Anything else I can handle, but being "attacked" is not good with me! I need a mantra! Thanks for the input!

First, I think Playful Parenting is a great book with great ideas. Sometimes for us, humor or turning something into a game is just what's need to redirect a nonredirectable behavior. A little silliness often goes a long way.

Also, I think it's a good idea to make sure my kids are actually getting the attention they need. Sometimes I find that they aren't getting enough attention or the type of attention they want, even though I think they are, and this leads to some acting up.

A calm response is good, and I find that it's also helpful when something is really an issue (like boundaries regarding my own body) that it helps to calmly and honestly express my feelings to my kids (without blaming the kids). "Wow, it seems like you think that's really funny, but when I get poked in the eye it really hurts and I get very upset because I need for my body to be respected and not hurt." Anytime I talk to my kids about a problem, it's a good idea to ask them what they heard me say b/c the message I think I'm sending is often not the message they hear. Making sure I'm clear is very helpful anytime, but especially when dealing with a problem.

It might help to talk about the issue at a calm time, when the behavior is not occurring. This is often a good time for my family to talk about recurring problems and make a plan for addressing them. Maybe it would help to come up with a secret word to use when the poking, spitting, etc. is getting to be too much? We use a secret word in our home when the kids start yelling at each other or hitting each other, it's a signal to stop and it's a silly word the kids came up with themselves (so it's less likely to incur defensiveness than 'no' or 'stop').

Sometimes my reactions and continued interaction not only seem ineffective, but actually seem to feed the problem and make it worse. There are times when it's best to stop reacting and simply ignore the problem, get up and move out of reach if I'm being hit or whatever. This is also a good time for me to become aware of what's happening inside myself, of how my inner reactions are affecting my perception of the problem and how my inner reactions affect my outward behavior toward my child. There are times when my reaction is way out of proportion to what's actually happening, and the reasons for that lie within myself. Often just becoming aware of what's going on inside of me (vs. what's actually happening with my child) is enough to allow me to find a more effective response to my child.

I really liked the ideas previously mentioned. I also thought of something described in Adventures in Gentle Discipline by Hilary Flower where a mom had her ds push on her hands and slowly push her across the room. It was a game that allowed him to physically release his energy and frustration without anyone getting hurt.

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Oh Trac, I am SO in the same boat many times. I really try to practice what Sledg describes above. Like she said, the best deterrent seems to be making sure that DS is getting LOTS of attention. That doesn't mean its not completely exhausting mentally and physically. Does your DS attend a preschool or participate in any other activities? It has helped us to get our DS (3.5) involved with Gymboree...lots of parent and kid time, expending energy, hanging out with other kids. Also, if I see DS is getting wound up I either try to get him involved in a physical activity or help him calm down with books, coloring, etc.

Hang in there, it sounds like you're doing a great job!

I am new here but not new to parenting. I actually need some advice on older teens, but while looking around I read this and felt compelled to respond.
I have four children from toddler to almost young adult. It took me a while to learn that what my children do, they need to do, so if I don't like it, I must find why they need to do it. If I just ask them, yell, or whatever, even if they stop, long term they will do it again.
What helped me the most of all the studies and trials and errors was the Aldort approach. Aldrot's book is now availabe and was reviewed in Mothering's last issue. It is called, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. It touches my heart and feels so right. And, it is full of examples from the author's years of family counseling. You learn how to understand your child, and what to do. Nothing like anything I have ever read before.
The point is to learn to understand your child's reason for doing what he is doing. The reason can be a need for attention, but often it is a need to autonomy, for power, for security etc. Kind and loving ways are the best.