[readytobedone]

okay, so...DD's DCP is using a technique with a child that really kind of bothers me, but overall i like her a lot, and she's not doing this with DD, nor do i think she ever would without bringing up the problem with me beforehand.

but i want to know what you mamas think of it and WHY you think it "works" when nothing else does. and also if you have any other ideas of how to handle this, i'd like to hear them because i know she would open to other suggestions

this child is about 16 months old, and he whines ALL. THE. TIME. whines, cries, just generally unhappy. DCP's normal way of dealing with this in new kids is to just hold them, be with them pretty much as much as they need, lie down with them for nap, and eventually they become secure and less needy. that's what she did with my DD, who used to cry a lot in the beginning, and now she is totally fine to be dropped off and she loves daycare and goes right to her mat and goes to sleep on her own. most of the kids are like this now.

well, with this other kid, those techniques never worked. he is only there 3 days/week, and it seems that he's never adjusted properly to being there.

so after about 6 weeks or so of constant whining (and she even threw her back out holding him all the time), she asked the child's mother about it and what she should do to help him. well, mom said he whines like that all the time at home, too, which i think is really quite strange. and his mother's advice was to ignore him, that's what she does

so DCP tried that one day, but she wasn't liking it (it's really not her nature to do that, i can tell), so somehow she came to a plan of telling him, very gently but firmly, "if you want me to hold you/hold your hand/be with you, you have to stop crying" or "if you keep whining, i will not hold your hand."

obviously this is a kind of withdrawal of love kind of thing. so i don't really like it for that reason. but it's also the ONLY thing that makes him stop whining. and with 12 kids to deal with, you do need to minimize neediness if you can. and it really does "work," as in it makes him stop crying instantly; i've seen it. no amount of unconditional holding/hand-holding worked with this kid. i saw him day after day show no improvement when she was trying that.

so my questions are :

1) is this really that bad, in your opinion?
2) why do you think this works when gentler things did not?
3) do you think this kid is just kind of insecurely attached from having his mom ignore him (she also didn't care that he was unhappy there all day--just was unconcerned about it), so somehow what works with him is different from other kids?
4) what would you do in this situation if you were DCP?

thanks for any insight!

 

[j924]

I run an in house daycare/preschool and I don't think what's going on is really terrible. It is obviously less than ideal and I think your dc provider knows this but is trying to find the most gentle solution. I've been doing this for many years and for the most part the majority of kids find a comfort and security in a gentle teacher and will adehre to and even be empowered by a schedule at school that they might never do at home. Then there are those who just don't. It could be temperemnt, family dynamics diet or a million other things. Sometimes the same things you would do for fifty kids is not going to "work" with the 51st. Also the older baby/young toddler is a very tough age. There are so many things going on and thier personalities are just so intense during this time. For your questions:

1) I wouldn't call it bad, but I would hope it would be a short term fix
2) Maybe he is empowered that he has some tools to get what he wants. Similar to "use your words" for an older child. Also ignoring it seemed to backfire so maybe attention is having the opposite effect.
3) You've said he is generally unhappy through the day. This could be from being insecrely attached or it could as easily be personality. It sounds like this new method though seemingly nongentle is meeting him halfway without making a judgement or decison on why he is like he is.
4) I have done similar things for a very unhappy child. I gave lots of words or signs that could be used when they wanted something, reminded reminded reminded and then when the words were used dropped everything to accomadate the request, hopefully building new habits. I've had some great successes, some moderate ones and some it didn't really change anything.

Wow this was long! Lastly though it sounds like you trust your provider and you trust that this is an isolated situation that would not be repeated with your dd. With some time and support you may see a totally different child in a couple of months.

 

[Ks Mama]

>>so somehow she came to a plan of telling him, very gently but firmly, "if you want me to hold you/hold your hand/be with you, you have to stop crying" or "if you keep whining, i will not hold your hand."

obviously this is a kind of withdrawal of love kind of thing. so i don't really like it for that reason. but <<

I don't think its a withdrawl of love. Assuming that she's already tried figuring out what the whining is coming from, whether he's uncomfortable, needs something, etc., then I think its perfectly acceptable to let him know how what he's doing is effecting those around him. Some kids are just whiny. That doesn't mean they should be able to continue to do so without any understanding of what happens when you whine around other people. She's not telling him to stop or even saying do this or else; she's essentially explaining how she feels about it:

When you use your whiny voice, it hurts my ears, and makes me not want to be near you at that time. I like to have peace around me & I'd like to keep holding your hand, but you need to work on your voice first. Let me know if you want to work on that.

Natural consequences. And it does give the child a choice: Keep whining & play by myself, or stop whining & play with teacher. Which does he want. At 16 months he won't have the ability to control the whininess for extended periods of time, but he certainly can understand that he's making a noise the teacher doesn't like. And he has the ability to stop whining, at least momentarily. Then they can go from there.

 

[phathui5]

I do the same sort of thing with my own children if they're being whiny and I've ruled out all the obvious things that could be bothering them. So it wouldn't bug me.

 

[Bluegoat]

It may be that he has learned at home that if he whines long enough, his mum will give in and pay attention (good or bad), and if he's quiet she won't. In which case I think the DCP's solution is ideal - she is showing him he does not need to whine to get his needs met.