[A Mother Hen]

I've been a mom for 12 years and have raised dogs. GD goes a long ways to producing a self - constrained indiviual. Punishment is a poor method at best. My kids are well behaved because I model good behavior and allow them to be kids. My dogs are very obedient and very intelligent; my kids are 10 x smarter than the dogs and I often need my wits about me to think quick. Raising dogs without hitting but rather thoughtful training set me up for successfully raising my kids with kindness, motivation, minor penalties, and house rules. THe house rules are not written-- but they are consistent and morph as my children age. My 2 boys are really different. What motivates one does not motivate the other. THe rules might apply differently to each. Dicipline means " to teach". I don't hit my dogs and I don't spank my kids. I worked hard to create a relationship of trust-- hitting and hurting is not trust. I know my children well and know when they are lying to me . . . and then the best part is they will fess up because they trust me. I don't punish for that lying, but it is an opportunity to remind them of the possible consequences. A teaching moment. I will need them to trust me when they hit the teenage years. ( Dreading) Every interaction builds a childs behavior-- teaching happens all the time. So I take time and make for my children. How a child turns out reflects the million stepping stones of childhood.<br><br>
I often hear from teachers how nicely my kids behave in school--and I just smile and pat myself on the back. THey are well behaved because I helped teach them.

 

[A Mother Hen]

<div class="quote-container" data-huddler-embed="/community/t/1392457/gentle-discipline-breeds-wild-kids#post_17508368" data-huddler-embed-placeholder="false"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>JamieCatheryn</strong> <a href="/community/t/1392457/gentle-discipline-breeds-wild-kids#post_17508368"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif"></a><br><br><p>GD involves a lot of talking things out with them instead of yelling, lecturing, spanking, and punishments. Often drawing out possible solutions from the child so it's a joint choice. Playful diffusing of problems sometimes. Sometimes natural consequences, including just letting things happen, such as feeling cold if they insist on no coat and discovering for themselves they need it, or breaking a toy and losing it when they use it wrong. In our family we have to lean toward imposed consequences related to the problem behavior and cooling down in supervised time-outs for the most part, not entirely GD, but you do whatever works the way your child is.</p>
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I like your approach. Cooling down in supervised time outs can be necessary when children don't have the internal functioning yet to rethink the situaiton. In general Ihave found this to be best used in rare situations. It had a negative effect in my older son, so I abandoned this method; and second son didn't need it. Consequences both positive and negative are gentle methods in my book. Again I look to each child to guide me in what is perceived as gentle guidence and what is too harsh. NOt a one size fits all solution or conceqence.

 

[sassyfirechick]

<p>So we had a birthday party for my 2yo yesterday and the real "wild children" were over - 4 of them ages 3-12, all raised by an incredibly heavy handed mother who not only uses spanking (and I mean borderline beating) but also shaming, belittling and public humiliation.  And while I call them wild , they aren't so horrible I can't keep them in line (yah, mom is generally working when they come over with dad who pays zero attention until someone cries then just steps in to yell, very frustrating for me), they do refer to DH and I as their aunt and uncle and we are godparents for the youngest.  But they often resort to very rough behaviors amongst themselves and take pleasure in ratting out one another and watching "someone else" be punished.  And I noticed it in a big way yesterday.  The oldest boy (12) decided to pull his dad over and tell him that the brother (6) said 'shit'.  It wasn't at anyone just something he mumbled in talking to himself, and the tattling did not happen immediately afterwards, but just as they were getting ready to leave so no idea what triggered it.  The father walked over, and was right in his face trying to whisper, but it was loud, forceful, and he had him by the arm shaking him demanding to know the exact conversation that went on.  It killed me to see this because this particular kid is the quietest of their bunch, and by far the moist sensitive, and yet the parents openly talk about how they really don't like him as much as the others....f*d up, right?  And it absolutely brought me to thinking about this thread and when they left I was talking with my friend about it, who has no kids, but works with animals as well and she noticed right away the lack of respect these kids had for one another.  My daughter might have her wild moments (what 2yo doesn't?) but she's so out of her element when she sees these kids physically abusing one another and I can see the wheels turning in her little head, because under her sometimes tough, rough and tumble exterior, she is such a gentle soul and I think she has a hard time understanding why they aren't nice to one another.  Thus the reason we limit interactions with these kids in spite of the long term friendship between DH and their father.  So yah, heavy handed approach is far more damaging than GD will ever be IMO.</p>

 

[A Mother Hen]

THis is so sad. All the family members pay a price. My kids can tell me a secret and I keep it. THey do try to pry it out of me. lol BUt no, I promised I would not tell. ANd I think they actually trust me MORE. I can't imagine tell one child I loved him/her more than another-- they are all special. DO I find one easier than another . . yes, but love him less, NO.<br><br>
As a god parent do you ever feel your words would be listened to?

 

[newmamalizzy]

I've been following along on this discussion, and today at lunch I was reminded of it. I was annoyed with my 3 year old for squirming all around at the table, and she said "Mom, it's O-KAY. The year before last year I was just a little BABY. I'm still getting used to it!"<br><br>
She's so right. I think kids are just kind of wild. GD doesn't breed that. It just doesn't fight so hard against what's normal.

 

[sassyfirechick]

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<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>A Mother Hen</strong> <a href="/community/t/1392457/gentle-discipline-breeds-wild-kids/20#post_17509450"><img alt="View Post" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
As a god parent do you ever feel your words would be listened to?</div>
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<p>Unfortunately no.  She's very much "I have 4 kids, I'll tell everyone else how to parent".  My good friend (the no kids one) made the comment once that just because she hasn't killed them yet doesn't make her parent of the year and I have to laugh at that because it's so true. Sad of course how she treats them but laughable that her perception is so skewed.</p>

 

[Backroads]

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<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>thursday2</strong> <a href="/community/t/1392457/gentle-discipline-breeds-wild-kids#post_17500045"><img alt="View Post" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br>
 
<p>  However, I do think that there are people that think they are doing GD when in fact they are doing very little discipline at all;</p>
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<p>What I was going to say.</p>

 

[contactmaya]

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<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>foreverinbluejeans</strong> <a href="/community/t/1392457/gentle-discipline-breeds-wild-kids#post_17503338"><img alt="View Post" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br>
 
<p>What does wild mean? Does it mean an active 2 year old or does it mean a teen that is having problems with the police, pregnant, uses drugs, and has dropped out of school? Almost all children have multiple influences in their lives. Just because they get gentle discipline at home they get lots of other messages from other sources in their lives. </p>
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<p>There is a theory in psychology that you can do everything right as a parent and there is still a chance your child will turn out "bad". You can do everything wrong and your child turn out "good". The children that turn out bad for no known reason may have some unknown problem and genetic reason. The child that turns out good may have some kind of survival DNA advantage. I don't think they know how many of us are these kinds of people, maybe 10-20 percent. You can have a wild child and no matter how wonderful of parenting you give that child you won't be able to change them. The best you can do is help them do the best with what they are.</p>
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<p><strong>What gentile discipline is about is how you parent, not about how your children behave.  </strong></p>
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<p>I like how you put this. Some kids are more active than others, less compliant. Kids come in different shapes and sizes and personalities.</p>

 

[davidliamsmom]

Hello. New to mothering forum. I am interested in any books you all would recommend for gentle disciplining techniques. My LO is a week shy of 9 months. And of course does nothing wrong YET lol! TIA

 

[A Mother Hen]

<div class="quote-container" data-huddler-embed="/community/t/1392457/gentle-discipline-breeds-wild-kids/20#post_17510152" data-huddler-embed-placeholder="false">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>sassyfirechick</strong> <a href="/community/t/1392457/gentle-discipline-breeds-wild-kids/20#post_17510152"><img alt="View Post" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br>
 
<p>Unfortunately no.  She's very much "I have 4 kids, I'll tell everyone else how to parent".  My good friend (the no kids one) made the comment once that just because she hasn't killed them yet doesn't make her parent of the year and I have to laugh at that because it's so true. Sad of course how she treats them but laughable that her perception is so skewed.</p>
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<p>I'm not surprised at your answer. Kinda fits in the whole senerio. </p>
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<p>Perhaps you can impose some of your house rules on your guests. It is your home afterall. I realize I am likely to be much older than you and I have seen a lot of life and as such have become a little more outpoken with my friends. IT does come with a price of course, butI am happier for it. </p>
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<p>Perhaps come up with "house rules" and make a nice gift of it for Christmas to your friend.  OFten people dont realize the impact of their words and actions-- so sad, these children are being destroyed by the parents. I wish there was a way to help this family. </p>
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<p>Looks like lots of small steps. YOu can also talk to the kids about what the rules are in YOUR house. With smiles and positive talk. THe kids will get it even if you have to remind them every time they walk thru your door. </p>

 

[A Mother Hen]

<div class="quote-container" data-huddler-embed="/community/t/1392457/gentle-discipline-breeds-wild-kids/20#post_17511037" data-huddler-embed-placeholder="false">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>davidliamsmom</strong> <a href="/community/t/1392457/gentle-discipline-breeds-wild-kids/20#post_17511037"><img alt="View Post" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Hello. New to mothering forum. I am interested in any books you all would recommend for gentle disciplining techniques. My LO is a week shy of 9 months. And of course does nothing wrong YET lol! TIA</div>
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<p>I read the Dr Sears books-- they were recommended to me. </p>
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<p>THe biggest thing to understand is that children take 25 yars to grow up. ANd thru that time the brain is developing and the body is developing, and they don't always have full control of body, mind words. I learned not to expect a mini adult. </p>
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<p>Learn what is developmentally appropriate for every age. THen I adjust my expectations to their abilities not to my adult expectations. </p>
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<p>Head off a situation like spilled milk byusing a sippycup until thier co-ordinations is very good. I remember a grand mother going off on her grandson, and thought how in appropriate to give him a full glass when clumsy hands can easily knock it over. </p>
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<p>THink that which encourages children to try and try again. ANd set up your home for sucess. I got rid of a nice coffee table because of the glass top and corners. I gave a beautiful lamp that had been my grandfathers to my brother to prevent it from being broken.  I put up baby gates to keep kids off the stairs TOP and BOTTOM. </p>
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<p>Lots of prevention goes into disipline in my book. GLad that you are thinking ahead.  YOu are already teaching your 9 month old child about your take on discipline. IT is in the subtle ways that handle the children and babies  . . .</p>

 

[sassyfirechick]

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<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>A Mother Hen</strong> <a href="/community/t/1392457/gentle-discipline-breeds-wild-kids/20#post_17511622"><img alt="View Post" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br>
 
<p>I'm not surprised at your answer. Kinda fits in the whole senerio.</p>
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<p>Perhaps you can impose some of your house rules on your guests. It is your home afterall. I realize I am likely to be much older than you and I have seen a lot of life and as such have become a little more outpoken with my friends. IT does come with a price of course, butI am happier for it.</p>
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<p>Perhaps come up with "house rules" and make a nice gift of it for Christmas to your friend.  OFten people dont realize the impact of their words and actions-- so sad, these children are being destroyed by the parents. I wish there was a way to help this family.</p>
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<p>Looks like lots of small steps. YOu can also talk to the kids about what the rules are in YOUR house. With smiles and positive talk. THe kids will get it even if you have to remind them every time they walk thru your door.</p>
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<p>Thanks, I do know that her kids gravitate towards me because I'm gentle with them so it's gratifying to see that (well, the oldest boy has moved on from me now that he's almost a teen and hangs with the "men" but DH is very easy going with them as well).  I currently limit interactions between DD and them because she's at an age where I see her being bothered by their behaviors but she just doesn't grasp my explanation so for now it's literally once a month tops, but often less.  Their mom is also super anti-breastfeeding (odd because she was a L&D nurse....) and one told her eldest daughter how disgusting it was. Well she was about 8 or 9 when DD was born and I made no effort to hide the fact that I was nursing her other than to cover up any exposed boob - and she would always come and sit with me while nursing because she was curious, and I'm happy that at least someone in her life can normalize these things for her (her aunt also refers to it as disgusting, probably because of how the sister in law is...) and I'm always open to discussion with them.  I do step in when they get rough with each other at our home to avoid the inevitable bashing on the little brother and crying that will follow and not surprising at all - they listen better to me about stopping behaviors than they do their parents.  I don't get the sass or the "but he/she did this first" and I just ask nicely.  Oh I've definitely gotten glares from their mom when I don't run over and spank DD for doing something I've asked her not to do...I simply distract her or remove her or ask again.  But the thing is, she's part of the package - our hubbys were friends before either of us came into the picture, they work together, and I've never been close to her.  Losing her as a friend wouldn't impact my life in the slightest and I guarantee she talks shit behind my back because that's how she is with everyone.  So I make no efforts to conform to her ideals that's for sure!</p>

 

[A Mother Hen]

<p>Perhaps in the future if any of those kids have a real issue, they will come to you for help. Sounds like the respect you and many will trust you if some thing dire happens and they can't go to their own parents. Great idea to limit your childs exposure since that is what works. I let a friendship go when I realized my son was scared of that woman, and she promoted spanking-- I was highly influenced by her so I let that relationship go. Breastfeding is very important to the short term and long term health of our children. I hated every moment of it but mustered thru as many months as I could handle. NO ear aches in either child. </p>
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<p>Glad you stick to your way of doing things despite her glares. </p>