[brokenheart]

Wow, I need advice. My 6 year old is very challenging, but mainly only for me. I think I'm a good mom. I try to practice GD. I am very attentive to her needs. I definitely go out of my way on a regular basis to make sure she's happy and to do nice things for her.

:

But, she treats me pretty crappy a lot of the time. I realize this is a 6 year old we're talking about, but it is hard not to take it personally!

: She can be quite rude to me, and often behaves in a disrespectful way. I'm the one who ends up having a hard time with her in stores, I'm the one she throws temper tantrums for. She listens to DH. He honestly never has a problem with her.

: I on the other hand dread spending time with her these days because she can be so unpleasant for me.

A lot of times (for unknown reasons) she will start ranting about things when she's with me. Like tonight. Trying to get her into bed and she's ranting about her pajamas, she hates this room, etc. It ended up with her hating me. I'm not responding to her challenges beyond "hmmm, really? ok". I'm not engaging her because I'm trying to redirect her (ok, let's read a book). Nothing works and basically she ended up having a screaming tantrum (for nothing really!!). DH has to come up and get her under control, and he always looks at me like: what on earth is the problem now?? I just want to cry. He thinks I am a loser, I'm sure. He has said that if I can't get control over a 6 year old I have no hope of it when she's 12.

 

[jacki1234]

Does your husband also follow GD? I am assuming you don't work and she spends most of her time with you? I know my girls seem to be the hardest on me. I guess its just being a mom. Unfortunately I don't have any advice just a hug.

 

[babsbob]

I know how you feel - my DH is always saying "They don't do that with me" like there is something wrong with me.

That being said - if my DD treated me that way we would have a serious discussion. It's okay if she is stressed or angry or tired, but you need to stand up for yourself and tell her she needs to find another outlet for her emotions. She needs to know it's okay to stand up for yourself and you can show her how to do that calmly. She should be old enough to talk to you about the way she is behaving and how she is feeling. Let her know you cannot be around someone who talks to you that way and let her know that you will leave the room until she is calm and ready to proceed with whatever you were doing. Then go take a time out in your room until she can interact with you more calmly.

 

[brokenheart]

I'm with her a lot yes, but she has always been this way with me (and better behaved for DH). He isn't really GD exactly (I am definitely more gentle / accommodating). But he certainly doesn't spank or yell. He is firm, sometimes talks to her like she's about 10 (I don't like that part...but maybe I "baby" her?? No clue). I also go out of my way for her more (funny that I am appreciated less!). For example, when we are out I will often let her pick a little treat. I'll take her places she loves (ex: the park). He doesn't do that stuff.

Quote:

Originally Posted by babsbob Let her know you cannot be around someone who talks to you that way and let her know that you will leave the room until she is calm and ready to proceed with whatever you were doing. Then go take a time out in your room until she can interact with you more calmly.

So here's the problem....this is what I did. I mean, I try to stand up for myself. When she's being belligerent and whining and arguing about everything, I try not to play into that behavior (not really responding to it, try to redirect, if that fails I just go about my business and let her rant to herself). But when she starts being rude to me (saying she hates me, insisting I need to apologize for imagined things), I set a limit. Last night, I reached that limit. I told her she could get into bed and stop whining and ranting or I would leave. She wouldn't stop, so I got up to leave. She FREAKED out. Screaming and crying. That's when DH came up and asked me what the heck I did to her.

I seriously felt sick to my stomach all last night. My little girl is causing a ton of stress lately and she has become very negative and unpleasant a lot of the time. I feel like a crappy mom and I just can't seem to figure this one out.

 

[infraread]

Mama, I'm going through something similar with my 7 year old ds. I would love to be able to give you some good, solid advice, but it seems as though you're handling it much better than I am! I struggle to keep my cool, fail often in that and end up yelling back, and twice this week I've left the house as soon as dad got home just to give us a break from each other.

Mostly, I just wanted to let you know that you weren't alone.

 

[babsbob]

I know I get it too. I try to take a timeout and the kids just follow me screaming into the bedroom. But that's okay - just tell her you are going to calm down for 5 minutes and you you'll be back.

What needs to happen first I think is 1) discuss your plan with DH and make sure he is on the same page so he doesn't come to "rescue" DD or say anything to you in front of her. 2) Sit down with DD when everything is calm - maybe right after dinner have a family meeting. Explain to DD that you feel hurt when she is directing her anger at you and not speaking nicely with you. Let her know that you love her and you want to help her but when she uses hurtful words you are going to go to your safe space until she calms down. Remind her you love her even when she is angry and your leaving her alone is not a punishment it's just that you just want to give her the opportunity to control her words before you return. Ask her how she feels about this and if she has any other suggestions for your "plan". Maybe you could brainstorm things she could do to help herself calm down if this happens - like hit her pillow, draw an angry picture, or listen to Metallica and stomp around her bedroom (oh wait - that was me). It is your family plan to keep everyone safe and happy. If you approach it this way hopefully she won't feel defensive since you guys are working out this plan together.

I hope you can come up with something that works!

 

[jillmamma]

My guess is that she probably acts her worse around you because she has complete trust in you and knows that mom loves her no matter what. I know my 3 year old can be the same way around me and not so much for her dad too.

 

[mnm4242]

I think when she is angry (once she calms down), you should sit down with her, get to her level, and ask her why she is upset. Try to have a conversation with her and maybe she'll open up to you and the true reason why she acts up with you will become evident.

(I do not know if this will work or not, that's what I would try though)

 

[wecandoit]

Sometimes it's great to have your partner swoop in and relieve you because you just can't take another minute of your child's behavior. But sometimes I think it's better to stay and work it out. That's what I've found my son (3.5) and I need sometimes. I go to his room with him and close the door and let him scream and cry as much as he needs. Sometimes he throws things at me and as long as they're soft (clothing, stuffies) I don't mind. I won't let him throw books or anything that could get damaged or damage me! I remind him every now and then that I know he's upset and that his feelings are ok, and that I love him. Sometimes he eventually climbs into my arms. Sometimes he asks for "space" and I leave him, letting him know I'm going to come check in on him in 5 minutes (he's actually taking "space" as I write this). Usually things are fine afterwards. He's sweet and communicative. He just needs to rage and being with him and supporting him through that seems to be very important. Have you read "Tears and Tantrums" by Althea Solter. I don't agree with everything she says, but the guiding principle is so true for us: children need an opportunity to rage knowing that the parent loves them and is there for them. Maybe by having your husband come in and take over, especially with his attitude that you've done something wrong, is making it impossible for you and your daughter to do the healing you need. I hope this makes sense. Not like I've figured it all out or anything. I still want to pull my hair out about 2 times a week as well!