Getting a little sad

817 Views 16 Replies 11 Participants Last post by *mama moose*, Mar 9, 2010

Tiffanoodle

Discussion Starter · Feb 26, 2010

3

I'm having one of those days. I had always had in mind that I wanted a LOT of kids. They ended up spaced out much farther than I wanted, though, and my eldest will already be almost 11 when this one is born. I'm turning 30 in a few weeks, which for the first time seems old to me.

We're not really where we hoped to be financially or stability-wise at this point. We still have probably a few more moves before we can settle into our "til retirement home". Dh didn't really have in mind having more than 2, and when he got his boy with the second, he was content to stop. However, I kind of talked him into a third, which he's never regretted. This one, while we had been planning to ttc in a few months, was a surprise.

For the first time ever, I've felt like I could be done. After all the rest, I couln't imagine feeling complete without more children. Now, I feel like this is probably our last one. I'm at peace with that most of the time. If I have a vaginal birth, I will probably just do an IUD to leave our options open. If I have to have a c-section, I will likely just get my tubes tied at the same time.

Today I'm feeling sad that this could be my last pregnancy. Not that it could be my last baby, just that I will never go through pregnancy again.

I feel like I didn't completely enjoy any of my pregnancies because there has been a LOT of stress in our lives during each one. Yesterday was the very first time that I really wanted to give birth and have the baby here. Mostly, I'm just wishing for time to slow down so I can have a chance to get used to the idea of having another one already and actually enjoy pregnancy.

*sigh* Too bad I'm in no way a candidate for being a surrogate. I think I'd like pregnancy more if I didn't have to worry about everything that happens after the baby's born.

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1 - 17 of 17 Posts

at_the_hip

· #2 · Feb 26, 2010

This will likely be our last as well. TBH I'm trying not to dwell too much since the thought of no more breaks my heart...I don't think dh really wants to be done either but unless God intervenes for us and our financial situation changes drastically, this will likely be all.

I just turned 31 and I see myself as pretty young for having almost 5 kids...I know a lot who haven't even started their families until much later. So I suppose that I feel like I am wasting 'childbearing years'! LOL

The surrogate idea is really cool but I don't think I could emotionally handle that TBH!! Raising babies is something that I do well and naturally, so it is SO tough to think this is our last. But who knows I guess...maybe God will intervene and change things? I will have to trust Him in what's best for our family!!

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whozeyermamma

· #3 · Feb 27, 2010

I think pregnancy is naturally a time when everyone starts to evaluate their lives. I'm at a far different place than you guys - closing in very quickly _ gasp _ on 40.

Sometimes I wonder - What was I thinking? When this kid is 10 I'll be almost 50!!! My husband is 8 years older than me! When our son is 20 I'll be close to 60 and he'll be nigh on 70! GAH! Will we see them get married, will we be able to play with our grandkids?

For you younger moms - think about the fact that when you're 40 and your kids are more self-sufficient at 10, you'll be ready to turn the page and take on new challenges - perhaps a new career? A new focus of volunteerism?

We all take different paths in life and they are all lovely journeys!

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lisko15

· #4 · Feb 27, 2010

3

This will probably be my last pgcy as well. Its only pgcy #2, and the first with my DH, but I guess I have a gut feeling "three" are all I can handle. My DD is super needy, sensitive and has a low grade sensory processing disorder. (Maybe that will change in the next few years, but maybe not, I don't see puberty improving anything!) I'm also going on 35... and DH is going on 39...

It does make me sad to think this will be my last baby.

As for my last pgcy, not so much. I haven't enjoyed it this time around near as much as I did with DD. Maybe its because I'm older, or I just feel all around yuckier (physically and emotionally) - I'm not sure.

I told DH if I get the baby bug in a couple years to just get me a puppy. He is no help at ALL, because he replied with, "Well, we could just have another baby."

Quote:

We're not really where we hoped to be financially or stability-wise...

Who ever is? Everything is so topsy-turvy all the time! If we all waited until we were financially and in every way stable - no one would have kids!

I'll probably always need to work part-time (at home once baby comes) and we are apt to be moving to a different house in JUNE!

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azdaisy

· #5 · Feb 27, 2010

This will probably be our last kiddo (2nd and last). I will turn 35 just before this baby is born, and I know people can continue to have kids past this age, but I just don't think DH and I have the energy we'd need to have another baby!

We actually had wanted to TTC almost two years ago, but without health insurance, we had to wait about a year-and-a-half before we tried to have a baby. We now have health insurance through DH's employer, thank goodness.

Of course, we figured out a few years ago that if we waited until we were really financially stable enough to have a baby, we'd probably be 40 or 50 by that time...probably not our most opportune time to start trying to have a 1st baby! ;-) So, we just do our best and try to do everything we can to take care of our family. DH works full-time, and I work multiple part-time jobs while also taking care of 3yo DS. This is the only way we know of to even try coming close to covering our bills, etc.

Being pregnant can definitely make a woman think about her life--past, present, and future--and the bonus hormones aren't always very helpful. I hope you are able to find peace with things over the next three months...

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Pinoikoi

· #6 · Feb 27, 2010

This is my last and my oldest is 11 also!

For me, it is a question of health- I have a lot of bladder issues so I didn't want to push past age 35 and then need a cadaver's bladder (which my mom recently got to clear up HER issues..)

Pregnancy is a reflective time though.

mama moose

· #7 · Feb 27, 2010

2

I'm only 24 (actually, not even for 2 more weeks!!) and this is likely our last baby. It's really hard to say that, to wrap my head around it, but I know we just can't have more kids.
My DH was done at one kid, and was open to two....this is number 3

I want to pursue midwifery, and I don't want to keep putting it off to have more kids.
Financially, we are low income, so that's also a factor, more kids would be hard on us big time.
But to be DONE at 24?? I feel like all my reproductive years are laid out in front of me to be thrown away or something. I feel way too young to say "never again". What if I win the lotto or something in the next 10 years?

Sigh, so as much as I am feeling done being pregnant currently, I know the sadness you're feeling.

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slsurface

· #8 · Feb 27, 2010

This babe will probably be my last too.

DH and I agreed to stop with two kiddos, since we don't feel like we can support more than that financially. I really want more, but it's just not doable at the moment. I'm already in my thirties - we started our family later, after I attended graduate school. So there is even less time for a *maybe* down the road.

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jannk

· #9 · Feb 27, 2010

I understand the sadness that comes with the idea that this is the last. DH and I had a lot of back and forth when deciding on having another (this one) and when he didn't want one, I was crushed.
My question to you (rhettorical, just something to ponder within) - do you really need to make this decision NOW? Look, we never know what tomorrow will bring. I spoke with an older gentleman the other day. He was from China and offered me a bit of wisdom that I found very touching regarding how to be pregnant. He said, "Eat simple food and have a happy mood."
If making a decision now that really can be changed in an instant is bringing you down, is there a way to put off that decision for a while?
I will be 40 by the time this baby is born. Right now I feel like this is my last pregnancy and I feel very much at peace with that. I do hope to be a foster parent once this baby is older but I think no more of my own. That said, I'm not having tubes tide or making any other permanent birth control decisions. I want to keep all of my options open for as long as I can.

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Tiffanoodle

Discussion Starter · #10 · Feb 28, 2010

2

The only reason I'd have to make a decision now is if my placenta doesn't move and I end up with another c-section. My OB is fabulous and the most VBAC-friendly doc I know. When we were talking about whether my placenta is likely to move or not, she said that there isn't a doc in the state (WI) that would do a VBA2C. So, it would be all c-sections. Since "the tubes are just dangling right there" (her dh apparently told her that during her second c-section

) I would probably just have them tied and be done with it. Otherwise, I have said we will keep our options open. This might or might not be my last pregnancy, most likely it is, though.

I'm really working on enjoying it more and embracing the asymmetry of having 3 girls and 1 boy. Maybe more girl drama, but hopefully less calls from Kindergarten teachers telling me that my child punched a another boy in the stomach.

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laangel

· #11 · Feb 28, 2010

I feel this is also my last, although I am not feeling that sad about it. I had always hoped that I would just 'feel done' at some point and that feeling has come upon me. We are not well off, my dp is over 50 (I will be 30 this year) etc etc but those aren't the reasons for my feeling done.
I am really feeling that I am ready to let the family grow up. Although I love having a baby and being pregnant I really enjoy my children as they are growing up and I would like everyone to grow up together and be finished with the baby bit and enjoy childhood, as a state of family (don't think I'm making sense here) instead of having no energy, no sleep, restrictions with naps, feeding etc...
I am really looking forward to this baby coming and I am really glad to be pregnant but I feel finished now, and really starting to feel comfortable with the idea.
I can imagine it is very difficult making the decision without feeling done, which is why I am so grateful that I am feeling this way and can make this decision with my heart rather than with my head.
I know there is lots of sadness on this thread about stopping having babies and I haven't meant to offend, I just wanted to share my feelings on the topic which seem quite different.

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Tiffanoodle

Discussion Starter · #12 · Feb 28, 2010

I was talking with dh about this last night. I said that it's really weird. I never thought I'd be able to say "I'm done, I don't really want anymore." Now that I can, it's just an odd feeling. I always hoped that someday I'd get to that point. I think more than being sad that I won't have any more children or pregnancies, I wish I could just relax and have a happy pregnancy for once.

Jen H.

· #13 · Mar 3, 2010

I'm pretty sure this is it for us. It's #3 and I'm 35 now. My only real regret will be that I'll never have a daughter. But having more just to try for a girl seems silly and is a total gamble, obviously. So I'm happy to be "done," but sort of grieving for the girl thing. Not a big deal, I love my boys so much and am excited to be having another, there's just that nagging voice in the back of my head.

If money were no object and I was even a couple of years younger, I'd consider ONE more, but the former is unlikely to change and the latter is definitely non-negotiable!

For those of you in your 20s or early 30s, there's no rush to make a final, irreversible decision. I'm 35 and DH is 37 and we still struggle financially. We make more now, but it seems like our expenses have grown far beyond our income growth, so no matter where you are, there will always be that struggle. I try to remind myself that we have a home, we have food in the kitchen and a way to get around (ie. cars) and can usually pay our bills on time. The kids are clothed and healthy and happy. So we can't take expensive vacations or live somewhere really nice or buy whatever we want anytime. We have what's important.

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mama moose

· #14 · Mar 3, 2010

3

I get that Jen, I do, and I generally agree, but up until this year really we COULDN'T make the bills, etc. We were on welfare until about 2 years ago, and we are still on WIC, though we've considered getting off of it since I think we COULD work the budget to go without it at this point.

Things have gotten a ton better, and we even have extras now, but having a 4th kid would really really put a strain on us. We have only one car, that I can't afford to get fixed so I just pray everytime I try to start it

, and there's only room for the 5 of us (barely, thanks to a really really good sale I got on Radian carseats!!), so a 6th family member would mean we could never go places together, ever. That's just one issue, not to mention things like childcare, etc......

But like I said, I get what you're saying. And for all I know I could even win the lotto next year(if I played, I suppose

) ! It makes me really sad to say "this is it" forever, but I'm not sure what else to do. All 3 of our kids are "oops" babies, so birth control and I obviously do not get along well

I might just get an IUD, but it makes me nervous for a few reasons. And my DH is very very very done (he wanted one kid, this is #3!), so he's ready and willing to just get snipped.
I'm still not 100% sure what we'll do but I'm still treating this as my last pregnancy and last baby, even if it's a little bit heartbreaking.

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slsurface

· #15 · Mar 9, 2010

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jen H.

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So I'm happy to be "done," but sort of grieving for the girl thing. Not a big deal, I love my boys so much and am excited to be having another, there's just that nagging voice in the back of my head.

Yeah, I have this a little too.

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slsurface

· #16 · Mar 9, 2010

2

Quote:

Originally Posted by *mama moose*

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I might just get an IUD, but it makes me nervous for a few reasons.

I used IUDs before and after DS1. I got pregnant with DS2 exactly one month after I had the IUD removed - it didn't effect my fertility at all. I highly recommend it

! An IUD might be a good short-term solution at least until your DH is ready to get snipped.

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mama moose

· #17 · Mar 9, 2010

sls- did you have a lot of bleeding from it? I've heard a lot of stories of women bleeding for weeks with them, and having to go get it removed.....scares me.
I'm also a sexual abuse survivor and even vaginal exams/paps can send me into PTSD flashbacks, so knowing that inserting it is painful makes it even worse

Not to mention my CPM can't/doesn't do them so I'd have to go to a stranger to get it done, and strangers + me naked = bad news.....

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