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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Well, brief summary- up until last fall, H was a good husband/dad. Not great but okay. In October he dropped the D-bomb. I was shocked and obviously crushed! After a month of me trying to be the perfect wife to win him back, he revealed to me that he was a sex addict and had cheated on me 18 times. When I said, "Forget it, I'm through!", he lost it. We had several domestics (NEVER physical thank God!) and the cops definitely know my house! He's been in his own apartment since December and even had a gf from about January-June. (I had dated someone for a few mos as well.) Divorce seemed eminent. We have a divorce agreement 90% hammered out. All this time I've begged him to go into therapy- for our marriage, for the kids, for himself. He never would. Finally, today he did an intake at a local program that does partial in-patient programs. He's going to end up going 3 or 5 days/wk. It's gotten to the point that I think he finally agrees that something is seriously wrong with him and his actions have gone beyond his control. I just pray to God this helps. I want to stay married. I want to overcome this horrific year!
 

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Hey mama-
I'm all for you being happy. I think its great he finally went to get help (something my X will NEVER do). But I also believe that people don;t change very easily. I hope I don't make you angry-I just don't want to see you hurt again. Think about what you want for you and dc before you jump back in.
s
Good Luck!
 

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Oh boy.

Sweetie, I would recommend you do some serious therapy on your own before agreeing to something like that. Addictions are very serious, and they're managed (better or worse); they don't go away. A sex addiction means you're exposed to every STD out there, and you never know when. It also means perennial lying, theft, etc. If he's "using" -- and if he's halfway clever you may not know -- the most important thing in his life will be the addiction, not you, not kids.

Early in stbx's diagnosis he had a pdoc who wanted to give him benzodiazepines for longterm use. Highly addictive stuff. He's a sweet, gentle man, but I've seen what addiction can do to people, and there's no way I'd be legally bound to someone with an addiction. I told him that if he went ahead with it, I'd divorce him simply to protect assets.

Please do some reading on what it's like to live longterm with spouses with addictions before you say yes. And please give yourself a cooling-off period during which you have individual therapy to explore the issue.

my 2 cents --
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
No, I'm not upset by anyone's reactions. I did go to a therapist the first few mos of our separation.

I admit that he is halfway clever- because I never knew the first 18 times!

He has his apartment until December and then it's a month-to-month lease so I'm all set on him staying put where he is. I even told him yesterday that our trust issues are not going to be solved overnight.

It's hard because I know that no one would ever blame me for leaving and then again, I want to be the couple who survives tragedy. And I have looked into co-dependency org's for sex addiction.

Even though he's done horrible things that affected me I also feel for him because of childhood abuse, death in the family, and severe ADHD. I didn't realize how horribly these things affected him and how it's all compounded. I want him to survive and overcome.
 

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my stbx *is* 'trying', and he really is, but he won't get help either. and I'm just VERY skeptical.

My parents have been down that road. My mother has left my father 5 times, divorced him once. After a while he always convinces her to 'get back' together, try it again...blah blah. My father is a good man, don't get me wrong. No drinking, gambling or any addictions, he doesn't smoke or anything.he's not good at showing affection, and can be very mean and borderline verbally abusive during early teen/teen years of his daughters. He doesn't make my mother happy. she admits it was a mistake to even marry him in the first place. but she always feels so bad for him *he really loves he even if he can't show it*

Things are always better for a while after they get back together. They've done it all, counceling, spiritual retreats, etc. In the end, everyone goes back to their 'old ways' 90% of the time. and then my mom leaves him, yet again. It's been happening for almost 10 years. My little sister has grown up seeing that (and my 2 divorce/separations). I feel for her, and i think in the end it would have been more stable for her if they just called it quits and kept the peace.

As far as my STBX goes, he hasn't controled his drinking well in the past. when we where staying with him for 2 weeks we woke up to him passed out (after throwing up in the living room), and then he woke me up one night to help him clean himself up because he was plastered and had blacked out/thrown up. He (a month later) claims it's all "under control" and has gone from "i'm never drinking again" to "i'm only having 2 drinks max". which I have a feeling in the end will become getting drunk again. He also couldn't respect his own rule of "no violent video games until DD is in bed", but he has done some changing in his perspective in life and he does want to strive to be 'happy'.

Now me.....I'm very stable, I have NO need of being verbally abused (and it always happens if he's angry, even if he apologizes right away), wonder if he's ACTUALLY going to stick to his "i'm not drinking too much" promises etc etc etc. My daughter is no better watching it up close.

I think people need to get their 'act together' on their own, and THEN there can be 'forgiveness' and perhaps a new start. But to me there's a risk in the 'i promise i'll change....lets try it now' way.

and if you didn't knwo the first 18 times....how you know in the future?...
 

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Wow. I'm sorry you had to go through that, it must have been hard. 18 times is more of a pattern than an "oops" so it sounds like he's not going to be able to change without some serious therapy. Does he understand that what he's done is completely wrong and unacceptable? Does he show remorse (and not just "fake" remorse to win you back)? Do you *honestly* think he can change?

You need to be 100% sure he is a new person before giving him another chance because leaving him a second time will only be harder on you and your children. Have you asked yourself what you will do if he cheats on you again?? How will you know? Will you be able to trust him? Why do you think he's willing to go into therapy now but wasn't willing before? What has changed? Have you both been seperated long enough for him to change or is he just looking for a "qucik fix" to win you back? Please think long and hard before making your decision.
 

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Oh, I am so glad for you he is going therapy. I am in the same place as you (but my H is "in love" with another woman (barf). From the research I have done about affairs, if he can get over his addition (which is possible) there is hope for you two. I will cross my fingers for you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Okay.....just so you girls know, I am SO done. He never did go to the partial hospitalization. He said that he refused to answer a couple questions during the evaluation. He does plan to see the therapist (a specialist in his AREAS of problems) but I'm done. I'm sick of the rollercoaster. I said, "I want off. And if you cared about me even a little bit, you'd leave me alone and stop trying to get me back." This conversation was Thursday. I heard from him on Friday because his great aunt is dying and he wanted to know if I wanted to visit her (200 miles away). Yeah, I like her a lot, but uh....I have kids and no relatives nearby. Obviously not a priority in his mind!

Spoke to him yesterday about the divorce agreement...or I should say he spoke to me and I blew him off. I can't handle the discussions anymore. I'm the person, if anyone recalls, where he won't pay for college for the kids and also wants CS to stop at 18. There was a lot of other legal language that got corrected to my lawyer's satisfaction. Now there's just the 18-and-he-drops-them-like-a-hot-potato bit. Anyone else whose divorce is over willing to share their arrangement in this area? The college bit- I've already told myself that I don't care. If he's such a crappy dad and can look at his kids when they start college and say, "I refuse to help", then so be it! I will struggle with them and do what we can. I am a strong believer in education and no matter what, they will not go without! By the time they're 18, they can know the FULL truth about their dad and what a selfish ass he can be.

But the CS worries me a bit. Let's say the kids don't graduate on time. As their bdays fall, they'll both graduate at 17 and turn 18 soon after. If they (I'm thinking Chandler- my wild almost 3 yr old- lol) enter K late and are 18 all senior year, I'll have no CS that yr. I could always get CS readjusted later on. How hard is that? Also, stbx gets a raise every April. Do I have to file for new CS amounts every year?

So sad and yet so happy the door on my marriage is closed.
 
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