[ladybugchild77]

OK...so here;s the deal...I am writing a thesis, wokring for the school, going to classes, AND taking care of a kid!

I adore my dh but he just doens't help out enough. I am not trying to complain - really! - but I have no family out here or friends to turn to for help soooooo....it's just us...and I have tried asking nicely when the dishes are in the sink for a week, I have tried yelling, I have tried ignoring...nothing seems to wokr. DOes anyone else's hubby act like they can't hear a fussy baby when they are co-sleeping???

Honestly, he TRIES to help sometimes but it's like he doesn't know what to do with the baby...so I have tried to "suggest" things and then he bites my head off!

Has enyone else felt that their hubby was afraid of the baby when they were this little? (3 months...) Any suggestions for getting his help with the baby and housework so he doesn't just sit and veg out in front of the TV??? I know he works hard and deserves a break but I do to! Any help would be appreciated - even if it is just to tell me to get over it!

:

 

[Mydragonboy]

I think sometimes men are afraid of tiny babies (and are frankly less interested in them). My DH always loved DS but really started doing lots of things with him when DS was nine months or so: at that point DS was a lot more obviously reactive and laughing all the time, etc.

I have little help with the housework so I really can't advise you there...I will keep an eye on this thread to see how you are doing and to get advice in this department for myself. One thing that has helped a little bit is lowering my standards a lot, just deciding what things drive me crazy (bathtub, kitchen sink, toilet) and what things I can live with for awhile (fingerprints on kitchen cabinets). Good luck mama, it does get better.

 

[provocativa]

Yes, in my reading and experience Daddy time comes after six months, or after mobilty. When the baby crawls over and asks for his attention, he'll pick up on it. As for the fear factor, our culture teaches men that they are inept and oafish with infants, and poor nurturers. So it's no wonder they exhibit that behavior. And, my DH reallly can't hear the baby in his sleep- I can't even wake him up with my loud voice sometimes. My DH is incredible with housework, we share it but I won't do dishes because I cook. But even his super clean workaholic German self won't do them every day- he waits until it's a task/challenge. If he will read a book, try Dr. Sears' Baby Book or his one about becoming a father (I can't remember the title). The snapping is probably related to the anxiety. It does get better, but if you don't have a maid, your house should not be clean until after DC is 3. A clean house before then means a toddler is not having enough fun or opportunities to destroy (I mean, explore) her world.

When there are pumpkin seeds in every crevice of your living room, oh how fondly can you look back on the dishes!

 

[lumi]

It's true that first-time dads can have a hard time learning how to handle a baby, but it's also true that first-time moms are almost always overprotective. The absolute worst thing you can do is to hover and offer suggestins; that just reinforces the idea that he doesn't know what he's doing and is better off just letting mommy take care of the baby. For him to develop confidence in taking care of the baby, you have to just let him do it - give him the baby, tell him you need an hour to work on your thesis, go in another room and stay there. Resist the urge to come running if you hear a cry; if that's impossible for you then leave the house for a while. If an hour is too long, start with 15 minutes and work your way up. Do this regularly. Just let them have time alone to work out their own way of relating to each other, which won't be exactly the same as what you do with her, but that's ok.
The cosleeping issue you might just have to let go. It depends on how often and why the baby wakes up - my DD only wakes when she's hungry now, so DH knows there's no point in him responding to her. If you're walking the floors with her half the night, then of course your DH should take a turn sometimes. I used to just wake up DH and tell him I needed sleep, I couldn't do this right now, and he was going to have to get up and deal with it. I wouldn't actually recommend that approach (it was effective, though, at least in allowing me sleep); better to sit down and work out a plan in advance.
Housework issues are also better negotiated when there's not an actual problem to deal with. I hate the phrase "helping around the house" because he's not your helper, the house is his responsibility as much as yours. Don't treat him like a kid with a list of chores, just talk together about what things need to be done, make clear that it's too much for you to alone and work out a fair division of labor. If he doesn't do something, don't nag or even remind him, just let it go. Sure, the house may not always be up to your standards but if you can learn to relax about that it'll lower your stress and be better for your marriage.

 

[Lizafava]

Hi and

I don't have advice about the baby stuff - ours is still inside me - but we've worked out some issues regarding housework. Once upon a time when I lived with 6 plus messy adults, I discovered the art and joy of the chore chart. It works for DP and I also. I know its not for everyone, and it does seem so juvinille at first, but after awhile I got used to it. Hashing it out is annoying, and takes some time, but afterward there is no arguing because you've already agreed that doing the dishes nightly is one persons job which is equal to cooking, and whoever's job it is to vacum knows it, and has agreed before hand. Plus, it seems less like nagging if I say "Did you vacum yesterday?" when he's already agreed to do it, and its in black and white on the fridge on the chore chart.

We renegotiate chores a lot when time commitments change.

The chore chart discussions have facililated interesting and helpful discussions about labor distribution and gender roles in our relationship. Stuff I hope will come in handy after the baby arrives. HTH

-L