Mothering Forum banner

1 - 8 of 8 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,876 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So My STBX has made his final decision...we ARE getting divorced no matter what I say so I guess I should start thinking and planning my new life without him! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
He says he wants me to have the kids live with me and he will have visitation which is exactly what I want BUT I am having trouble figuring out what I will do with my life in the future (job, schooling, geographic location) and was wondering if I should try to work some flexibility into the custody paperwork now verses having to renegotiate or go to court later? I am almost 100% sure that what I will do in the future will not be where I am located now so I will need to move somewhere but right now I really don't know where that will be. <b>I was thinking something like "I will have the ability to move with the kids for schooling or employment purposes with 1yr notice to my XH"? It could also say that "I can only do that one time without consulting my XH; it would just be for my first job that is of career potential (ie not bagging groceries) OR for graduate school".</b> That would show good faith to him that I am not trying to move the kids many times only once to just to get myself into a career that will benefit everyone.<br><br><b>Does that sound like something that I can try to get or am I just dreaming?</b><br><br>
I have an BS in Electrical and Computer Engineering that I have not used since 2004 and I am really really rusty and also unsure if using my degree for its generic purpose is what I want to do. So schooling is most likely my next choice OR moving to a more metropolitan area so I can have more opportunity to take a lower pay engineering job or an internship to get back into the market and learn from my peers. Also I live in Rhode Island the smallest state in the union which is also about 1.5hrs from Boston which means that we get all of the hand me down sort of Engineering Jobs and all the Big guns set up shop in Boston. So even if I just move a bit north which would still be doable for weekend visitation and an involved father. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"><br><br>
I just want to start thinking and planning this now while we setting this paperwork from scratch.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,765 Posts
I think it's not uncommon to have some sort of distance limit, in regards to how far the custodial parent can move. I believe in my state the usual limit is about 30 miles. My X (not realizing that this limit would not apply to me) put in 300 miles (!!) so that he would be able to move back to his family.<br><br>
I think what you're proposing would be unusual. It's pretty vague - how far? To Warwick or to Anchorage, Alaska? Giving a year's notice is unlikely to be feasible. If you're accepted to school, I suppose you could defer and then actually have a year, but some schools aren't big on deferments. No job offer is going to give you a year's lead-time. Also consider that you will likely have to pick up the tab (in terms of finances as well as time & horse power) to enable the kids' continuing visitation with him.<br><br>
Bottom line - you're going to need to talk to your lawyer. But go prepared so you don't burn through cash in lawyer's hourly rates.<br><br>
First, I would do some serious legwork in terms of career opportunities now. Look at graduate programs, join a professional society to dip your toe back in, connect with former colleagues, tell them you're looking to get back in the game, look at possibilities both in Providence & farther afield, and so forth. Maybe there are also shorter sort of "continuing education" courses you could do to spruce up your resume in the meantime. I'm not sure if your field has that, but in medical/health fields for instance, there are all kinds of extra certifications and so forth that can be done with a relatively minimal time and money investments. Good luck!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,876 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Rosehip</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14733454"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think it's not uncommon to have some sort of distance limit, in regards to how far the custodial parent can move. I believe in my state the usual limit is about 30 miles. My X (not realizing that this limit would not apply to me) put in 300 miles (!!) so that he would be able to move back to his family.<br><br>
I think what you're proposing would be unusual. It's pretty vague - how far? To Warwick or to Anchorage, Alaska? <b>Giving a year's notice is unlikely to be feasible. If you're accepted to school, I suppose you could defer and then actually have a year, but some schools aren't big on deferments. No job offer is going to give you a year's lead-time.</b> Also consider that you will likely have to pick up the tab (in terms of finances as well as time & horse power) to enable the kids' continuing visitation with him.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
What I was actually thinking was that I would have to just give him "notice" that I would be moving a year before the move and also a outline of the proposed plan that would of course have to come to fruition before a move could actually take place. For example, "I plan on going to grad school in Georgia at Georgia Tech in the fall of 2011 if I get accepted". If I don't then the move will not go though. Or "I plan looking for employment in Silicon Valley with the earliest start date of Sept 2011, then if I don't find employment I don't move". But that would give him notice and allow us to work though the ins and outs of long distance parenting.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Rosehip</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14733454"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Bottom line - you're going to need to talk to your lawyer. But go prepared so you don't burn through cash in lawyer's hourly rates.<br><br>
First, I would do some serious legwork in terms of career opportunities now. Look at graduate programs, join a professional society to dip your toe back in, connect with former colleagues, tell them you're looking to get back in the game, look at possibilities both in Providence & farther afield, and so forth. Maybe there are also shorter sort of "continuing education" courses you could do to spruce up your resume in the meantime. I'm not sure if your field has that, but in medical/health fields for instance, there are all kinds of extra certifications and so forth that can be done with a relatively minimal time and money investments. Good luck!</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
That is also what I was thinking...to get into the school of my choice and take some online courses with the idea to apply for full time on campus fellowship program the year after. I think that would give me the best chance of getting a great education for free. Also those courses could be a way for me to get my feet wet again and the project work I do in those classes could be used to show my future employers that I am back in the game and a good bet to hire. Either way some sort of education is in my future.<br><br>
What I am really trying to do is smooth out way for me to be able to make plans for my career that do not involve me staying in RI since I know in the near future that conversation is going to have to happen between my STBX. Since the only program that is Electrical Engineering is at our state school which in my opinion is NOT a very good program and after going to a GREAT undergrad school I would like to continue that sort of top notch education into my MS and possibly my PHD. And without the ability to move going to school for free will not be a possibility since you do not get fellowships for doing your work online. And getting loans for my MS would be around $70K and to continue toward my phd well over $100k!!!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked"><br><br><b>Anyone else think this is something I can get worked into my divorce settlement?<br><br></b>Thanks again ladies!<br>
Andrea
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
773 Posts
If your STBX agrees to it, of course you could include a clause like that as part of a stipulated divorce. But even with such a clause, you would also have to inform the courts. And RI would maintain jurisdication as long as he remained there (so any future problems would involve long-distance-for-you court).<br><br>
That said, there is no way it would be enforceable one year from now. You would still be required to give him (and the courts) notice before moving, within however many days is standard for RI (30? 60?). And he could still object to the move at that time. And he would have a very very good chance of preventing the children from moving.<br><br>
The courts and him could not stop YOU from moving, but the children could very easily be obliged to stay--making him the CP and you the long-distance NCP.<br><br>
If you are certain you want to move, your best bet is to get him to agree to the move as part of the divorce and move immediately upon getting his (and the court's) consent.<br><br>
Once you have a long-distance parenting plan in place (and approved by the courts) and have been living far from each other, he would have little luck preventing future moves that do not impact his visitation, however. (For ex., he stays in RI, you move to Oregon. Then, years down the road you move to CA. No change for him.)<br><br>
You should also consult a lawyer in RI, because it may be standard in RI for the move-away parent to pay all travel costs. Also, you want to consider what a standard long-distance parenting plan is for the RI courts. Could you live with: all of every spring break, every other Christmas, every other Thanksgiving and from half to all of every summer?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,876 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Ione</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14734027"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">If your STBX agrees to it, of course you could include a clause like that as part of a stipulated divorce. But even with such a clause, you would also have to inform the courts. And RI would maintain jurisdication as long as he remained there (so any future problems would involve long-distance-for-you court).<br><br>
That said, <b>there is no way it would be enforceable one year from now. You would still be required to give him (and the courts) notice before moving, within however many days is standard for RI (30? 60?). And he could still object to the move at that time. And he would have a very very good chance of preventing the children from moving.</b><br><br>
The courts and him could not stop YOU from moving, but the children could very easily be obliged to stay--making him the CP and you the long-distance NCP.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
How is that the case if we had agreed upon it during our divorce and it was in writing signed by both parties? I thought that it would be legally binding?<br><br><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Ione</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14734027"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I<b>f you are certain you want to move, your best bet is to get him to agree to the move as part of the divorce and move immediately upon getting his (and the court's) consent.</b><br><br>
Once you have a long-distance parenting plan in place (and approved by the courts) and have been living far from each other, he would have little luck preventing future moves that do not impact his visitation, however. (For ex., he stays in RI, you move to Oregon. Then, years down the road you move to CA. No change for him.)</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I can see that is a smart move legally but I also understand that my DD's (3.5yrs and 16mths) are really young right now and need me especially 24hrs a day. So long distance visitation seems like a bad parenting decision on my part. I would like to wait a few years before we try to do long distance, especially until my littlest has weaned and my older DD has started school and is use to being away from me more than 5mins at a time<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment">. My oldest is a very shy, intelligent, sort of introverted child who is especially dependent upon stability. She does not do well when things change too much. I think when she is older it will still be hard but she will understand more AND she will have her little sister as a friend (verses just a baby who always messes with her toys and pokes at her) to always be with no matter where she is <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue">.<br><br>
I am thinking of moving more around the ages of 4yrs and 6.5yrs. That is the least I can do on my part since my STBX has decided dump the marrage and throw us into this crazyness in the first place, what ever happened to working though your problems!!!!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
773 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>BakerALM</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14734762"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">How is that the case if we had agreed upon it during our divorce and it was in writing signed by both parties? I thought that it would be legally binding?</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Basically, because courts are big on maintaining the status quo (read: stability) for children. And, after one year, the status quo would be your location for the past year.<br><br>
They are also big on preserving children's relationships with both parents and tend to believe that in most cases it is in the children's best interest to maintain a close relationship with both parents. And that is much harder to do long distance.<br><br>
Your STBX could also change his mind in the mean time. So, even without that, since custody and visitation *can* be revised and altered, he could simply petition to change that aspect of the agreement. And it is likely that he would easily prevail on that one. (Not certain. But likely. Depends on the laws of your state and the climate in the courts there.)<br><br>
Having it in there can help your case when the time comes if he's changed his mind about agreeing that you can go with the kids. But it can't and won't make it automatic that you'd be allowed to go with them if he changes his mind. Depending on how it's phrased (and how your local courts view such clauses, and whether or not there are any state laws on notification), it could allow you to move without having to obtain prior authorization.<br><br>
That would *not* stop him from walking down to the court house the next day to petition that the children be returned to their home state if he wanted.<br><br>
You'd have to follow the same burden of proof that you would if it wasn't in the agreement.<br><br>
What that specifically is depends on the courts in your area and the laws on who has the burden of proof in move-away cases. A lawyer would be the best informed as to what that is exactly. Some places, the moving parent has to *prove* that it is in the *children's* best interest to move (hard to do, but not impossible) taking into account the assumption that it is generally in children's best interest to be near both parents. Other states put the burden of proof on the parent remaining behind to prove that the move would be detrimental to the kids...<br><br>
You really, really need to talk to a real-life lawyer with lots of custody experience.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
699 Posts
I agree with the advice to consult a lawyer.<br><br>
Here's something else to consider: I was able to get my ex to agree to a higher child support while I'm in school. I think the wording was something like "as long as I am making progress toward a degree, or until December 2012". I will be double checking that wording soon, as I will have my BS May of 2011, and plan to jump right into grad school. I'm hoping the wording is vague enough to continue the higher CS through that Dec 12, rather than dropping once I have my BS. Hey, if it doesn't say "first degree", and I am working toward a MS, I'm still working toward "a degree", right? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br><br>
Anyway, that's something to think about - if he's throwing your family into disarray, and you need more schooling to be able to make your way in the world, he should be able to man up and pay a bit more every month to help your kids' world stay as stable as possible. Or, if he agrees that a SAHparent is important while your kids are young (mine didn't really, but I worked around it - they had very minimal daycare last year, and just a tiny bit more this year - but this year, the DCP is my dd's best friend's mom, so it's like a playdate for the kiddos), maybe he will pay a bit more to enable you to stay home with them until they can be in preschool. I kind of scared my ex about having to pay half their daycare costs if he wasn't willing to help me avoid working while in school.<br><br>
My ex is only paying $200 extra a month, but every little bit helps when you're a student!<br><br>
Good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
728 Posts
You will be able to get it into your agreement if your stbx agrees to it. If not, then it isn't going to happen and you will have to either get your stbx's or the court's permission to move the kids if you do want to move in the future.
 
1 - 8 of 8 Posts
Top