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<p>So, I'm trying to get ex to pay for DD's school (it's my mom's school - Montessori - but because of her discount it will be about the same cost as any daycare I could get her to via the bus that doesn't have roaches for classmates). I sent him a long, detailed email outlining exactly why I cannot do without it (work 1 day a week to provide our necessities, 500 clinical practice hours in a year, full time school, my own clients, plus transportation time since I'm taking the bus - and all done weekdays during the day so I can be home for the kids when they're not in school). <br><br>
We had a visit with him and his parents a few days later and the idiot asked me if I could get it all done in 2 days a week (I think he thinks I have a time turner? <img alt="dizzy.gif" id="user_yui_3_4_1_2_1329331057441_165" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/dizzy.gif">) and I laughed a little and told him no. My guess is he was going to offer to watch him on his days off (forgetting I told him no chance in hell I'll let him be alone with her). </p>
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<p>So I haven't heard anything about it since. I just sent him this email: </p>
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<p><span style="color:rgb(34,34,34);font-family:arial, sans-serif;line-height:normal;">I was just wondering what your plans were with Allora's child care situation. I don't know how long it will be before she can go because they're waiting for a new director to come in first. But I do need to know if you will be taking care of it before I sign up for summer classes. As I said, I need full time care for her in order to get all my requirements (and I need as much available time as possible for the clinical practice hours, as it is very unpredictable when these opportunities will arise).</span></p>
<p><br style="color:rgb(34,34,34);font-family:arial, sans-serif;line-height:normal;"><span style="color:rgb(34,34,34);font-family:arial, sans-serif;line-height:normal;">As I said, I won't need any kind of financial support for her once I get my IBCLC. You would be saving yourself a considerable amount of money (even more if you ever get a job that pays well). I would not ask this if there were any other way I could possibly do it, but in order to pay it myself (as well as the minimal hours I need to work anyway to provide our necessities) I would have to work full time which would defeat the entire purpose of getting her into child care. I need to be able to get this going as soon as the new director comes in to avoid any further delay. I have an incredibly limited amount of time in order to acquire everything needed and I need to know what will happen; I am already contacting people about the practice hours and cannot make a commitment without knowing whether it will happen or not, but delaying this could cost me an entire year.</span></p>
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<div style="color:rgb(34,34,34);font-family:arial, sans-serif;line-height:normal;">Please let me know soon.</div>
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I also sent him another quick email after that letting him know that, depending on if I'm able to save up some money and whether or not I have obligations that I can meet with her in my care, it's possible that I can have her home again with me as soon as I get my prereqs<i>, </i>therefore if I get them in time to apply for next year's exam, there's a chance he'll get off with only paying for a year of child care (originally I was saying until I get my IBCLC and a paying job). <br><br>
Has anyone gotten their ex to do this (without it being through the courts)? Any ideas on how I might be able to sway him? It is simply not possible for me to get all this done without her in school, nor is it possible for me to get it all done whilst working full time (if I can even find anyone who will hire me full time M-F, off by 3pm with my retail-only experience). I can't live with my parents forever (I will probably be pushing it alone with sitting for the 2013 exam), and if I have to go back to work in retail full time and live on my own again....it's going to be YEARS before I can get this done, and I will see very, very little of either of my children.</div>
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<div style="color:rgb(34,34,34);font-family:arial, sans-serif;line-height:normal;">I was thinking, if it absolutely came down to it, as a last ditch effort I could offer to let him claim her on his tax return next year... that's a good chunk of that money back. The thought of letting him do that really bothers me because he doesn't deserve to see a single penny even if he does pay for her school (which he'd be doing because it's cheaper than supporting her for the next 17 years). But if it were the push to get him to do this, I would be okay with it in the end.</div>
 

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<p>I had to go through the courts to get ex to pay his portion of childcare - I forget the reason that you aren't taking that route?  I have no suggestions for how to convince a fairly irrational person of anything at all.  That's why ex and I aren't together anymore.  It all felt like this <span><img alt="hammer.gif" id="user_yui_3_4_1_2_1329336419997_312" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hammer.gif"></span></p>
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>MariesMama</strong> <a href="/community/t/1345330/getting-ex-to-pay-for-child-care#post_16878221"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br><p>I had to go through the courts to get ex to pay his portion of childcare - I forget the reason that you aren't taking that route?  I have no suggestions for how to convince a fairly irrational person of anything at all.  That's why ex and I aren't together anymore.  It all felt like this <span><img alt="hammer.gif" id="user_yui_3_4_1_2_1329336419997_312" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hammer.gif"></span></p>
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<p><span><img alt="lol.gif" id="user_yui_3_4_1_2_1329336692856_168" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/lol.gif"> I know that feeling well! <br><br>
If I go through the attorney general for child support they'll give me around $200-250 a month (depending on what he's making right now; her school will be around $700/mo). Fat chance on getting more unless we go to court with lawyers. And I want to stay out of both because I don't want him to have visitation rights. I don't deny him visitation, but the Attorney General won't agree to only supervised visits and no overnights - they'd send it straight to court, and it's anyone's guess what would happen there. I just don't want him to have the right to just up and take her by himself - I can make sure she's safe when I'm there, but I can't make sure she's safe if she's alone with him.</span></p>
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<p><span>I would rather spend years getting my prereqs than letting it go to court, I just want to try everything possible to keep it from getting to that point. </span></p>
 

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<p>I would say, from experience, that unless you have CASH in hand, no matter what he says, no matter what the courts order, do not count on the money.  He could say  'yes I'm going to pay 700/month for care for the next 18 mos'.  How are you going to collect that money?  What happens 3 months in when he stops paying?</p>
<p>I would rather take out an extra student loan for daycare, or find some type of daycare assistance.  </p>
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<p>*just my own little bit of reality</p>
 

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<p>Have you applied for day care subsidy yet? It sounds like you probably qualify. The list in Texas is pretty horrendous, but you'll get on it eventually. That should really be your first step.</p>
<p>Another option is just to file for child support. It sounds like your ex is not going to exercise his visitation if he gets it. We have a pretty simple system here. As a matter of course, Texas judges will automatically order him to pay you 20% of income plus order him to cover health insurance. You can also ask for a deviation to get him to cover half the cost of child care. Of course, this doesn't guarantee that he'll actually pay.</p>
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I qualify but the only daycares along the bus route that won't take 1+ hours out of my way each way (not including the 2+ hours it'd take me to get straight to where I'm going regardless, except for school) are horrific - like she will have roaches for classmates. Not an option for me. And I'm actually glad because it gives me a valid excuse to avoid any daycare altogether; with her allergies and my general paranoiaover who has my kid, I an scared too send her anywhere; at least at my mom's school I can trust them to respect her nutritional needs, cloth diapering, and that I know I can trust. I'd send her somewhere (non-roachy out of the way) if I had to, but am thankful I can't anyway. And the last told me I can't even apply until I'm already working or taking in campus classes? I don't know how they expect someone with no money to get started. *shrug*<br><br>
He probably won't exercise his visitation but I can't risk it. And here in Texas they won't do ANYTHING beyond the standard 20% and $40 that goes straight to medicaid -no daycare. Effing ridiculous. It could be worse.. From my understanding Canada's child support guidelines are insane. I considered going for it but even if they would give me 100% daycare, with everything he's done, it's very possible he may exercise it and she's just not safe with him. I wish I could take on enough clients a month to pay for it.<br><br>
(Please ignore grammar, spelling and total word typos - I'm mobile and autocorrect sucks.)
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Exercise it to spite me, I mean.
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>smeep</strong> <a href="/community/t/1345330/getting-ex-to-pay-for-child-care#post_16878232"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br><br><p><span>If I go through the attorney general for child support they'll give me around $200-250 a month (depending on what he's making right now; her school will be around $700/mo). Fat chance on getting more unless we go to court with lawyers. And I want to stay out of both because <strong>I don't want him to have visitation rights</strong>. I don't deny him visitation, but the Attorney General won't agree to only supervised visits and no overnights - they'd send it straight to court, and it's anyone's guess what would happen there. <strong>I just don't want him to have the right to just up and take her by himself</strong> - I can make sure she's safe when I'm there, but I can't make sure she's safe if she's alone with him.</span></p>
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<p><span>I would rather spend years getting my prereqs than letting it go to court, I just want to try everything possible to keep it from getting to that point. </span></p>
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<p>if he's legally recognized as her father and you do not have a court order stating otherwise, he does have that right. </p>
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<p>if you have full-time daycare, would you be able to work more?  it sounds like you need a couple days a week for practice hours, plus you've got school and your clients (do they pay you?) . . . so i can see how it would be super hard to fit in more than one work day, especially with the extra time needed for transportation.  but what if you could work at one of the places you already go (dd's school, your school, from home?) . . . it sounds complicated and difficult, so i hope i'm not coming across as saying you should be doing more - just wondering if there's a way to increase your income so you don't have to count on him - because you really probably can't.  how good is his word?</p>
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<p>aren't you worried that he would pay it the first frew months and then just stop? i wouldn't count on it. especially if he figures out that his court ordered child support wouldn't even be half of what her school costs a month. in arizona you can get a childcare subsidy and use it anywhere that accepts it and a lot of in home daycares accept it. i would keep looking. also, you are saying that if he pays for her school for 1 year then you will never ask him for child support but how can he trust that? maybe you could have him buy you a car that will last a year or so that you could use to drive her to a daycare that is off the bus route?</p>
 

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<p>Smeep, if I remember right, he's not on the BC. Which means, in short, he isn't required to do squat. I also seem to remember you wanting nothing to do with him ever again, and not wanting him to ever have any access to your dd. Which means you can't go asking him for money - if you're asking him for money, and he gets it in his head that he wants visitation he can go to court and get it. You'd then be very hard pressed to deny his paternity (you wouldn't ask someone who isn't biologically related to pay for the child, right? That's how the judge would see it), and refuse visitation.</p>
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<p>I get that the situation sucks, and that kids are freaking EXPENSIVE. I know, my ds's daycare is absolutely outrageous.</p>
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<p>Thing is, if you aren't going to take him to court to prove his paternity and force child support, you aren't going to get any $$ at all out of him. You just won't.</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>smeep</strong> <a href="/community/t/1345330/getting-ex-to-pay-for-child-care#post_16879244"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
He probably won't exercise his visitation but I can't risk it. And here in Texas they won't do ANYTHING beyond the standard 20% and $40 that goes straight to medicaid -no daycare. Effing ridiculous.</div>
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<p>Actually, in Texas the standard presumptive order is the 20% plus medical expenses. But you can ask the judge to order a deviation to cover child care. There's a loooong list of like 16 separate issues that the judge can look at to order a deviation, and child care is right up there. But if he doesn't have any money, you're not likely to get something out of nothing.</p>
<p>Another option would be asking your mom to apply for her facility to be eligible to accept the child care subsidies.</p>
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<p>In my divorce we covered it in the agreement that we both split any childcare 50/50. If he doesn't pay I can also take it out of the child support I pay him.</p>
 
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