Mothering Forum banner

1 - 20 of 23 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,654 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My kids are 5 and 6 years old and are still in our bed.<br><br>
In my head, I'm ready to transition them and have sought help for how to do it because my oldest freaks at the mere mention of sleeping away from me.<br><br>
I got some great suggestions which I was going to start trying tonight.<br><br>
My problem is me. I am so afraid to have them in another room.<br><br>
My DH travels so we're often alone at night. I'm so terrified that something will happen and I won't be able to get to them.<br><br>
I'm terrified someone will break into the house and I won't hear them or there will be a fire and I won't be able to get to them.<br><br>
The couple times we've tried putting them in their own bed, I just lay awake, fearful of every sound.<br><br>
When they're with me, I close and lock the bedroom door but, if they're in their own room, the door will be open and I absolutely can not sleep with the bedroom door open.<br><br>
So, really, I'm the reason they're still in my bed. I've never forced the issue because I'm so afraid for them to be away from me at night. I'm fine during the day - they go to activities, I'm not a hover-mother, they go to school and friends houses etc... but, night time scares me <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br>
i feel the same. no advice, just empathy.<br>
jo
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
465 Posts
Then why do you need them in another room???<br>
Let it be for now. I feel the same even though my dd#1 complains here and there that she would like to have her own room with a bunk bed. I prefer that she sleeps next to me and apparently she is still ok with our current sleep arrangement.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,411 Posts
To ease my mind, we have DS's mattress in our bedroom. And my son has no problem with this, he'd rather sleep in our room.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,654 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Yes. A security alarm would help me greatly. I've talked to DH about it numerous times but he thinks it's an unnecessary expense. We have smoke detectors everywhere so I'm not sure why that's such a fear other than I fear the fire would be between us somehow and I couldn't get to them.<br><br>
Cutic - I guess I'm worried because of their age. At some point, does it become harmful to them to not have that independence? Also, my DD has to sleep in a twin bed next to ours which makes me feel hugely guilty. He says he doesn't mind and understands why they're in our bed - sometimes when he's feeling really loving he'll even say he prefers it that way.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,654 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sahmnlovingit</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11639318"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">To ease my mind, we have DS's mattress in our bedroom. And my son has no problem with this, he'd rather sleep in our room.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I've thought about doing this but, since DH is gone most of the time anyway, they'd most likely just be in my bed. So, for us, it wouldn't make sense to take up all that room with another bed since we already have our king sized bed along with a twin next to it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,411 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>amcal</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11639636"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I've thought about doing this but, since DH is gone most of the time anyway, they'd most likely just be in my bed. So, for us, it wouldn't make sense to take up all that room with another bed since we already have our king sized bed along with a twin next to it.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
In this case, you have that much room for sleep. I wouldn't worry about it. Just let them sleep in there if it makes THEM feel better, and you. Ofcourse I wouldn't force them to stay in your room. But if your happier like this, and they are, then whats the problem???<br>
I wuldn't worry about independence issues. My son is so independent, but he just don't like sleeping alone in a room. Who does???
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,654 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sahmnlovingit</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11639735"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">But if your happier like this, and they are, then whats the problem???<br>
?</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I guess the fact that even my crunchiest friends are starting to say something about them still being in my bed. Not in a judgmental way but in a "that might be harmful to their independence" sort of way. Like somehow they're missing out on an important milestone or an important skill - the ability to self soothe back to sleep etc... but really, I'm freaked out at the idea and my kids are so upset when we even talk about it.....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
751 Posts
I worry about this, especially since we live in Fl. I will insist that we have alarms on every window and door if we ever take the step. I say do what makes you and your kids happy and what helps you all get the most sleep!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,411 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>amcal</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11640202"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I guess the fact that even my crunchiest friends are starting to say something about them still being in my bed. Not in a judgmental way but in a "that might be harmful to their independence" sort of way. Like somehow they're missing out on an important milestone or an important skill - the ability to self soothe back to sleep etc... but really, I'm freaked out at the idea and my kids are so upset when we even talk about it.....</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I think its a personal choice, and everyone is going to have a opinion. If your instincts tell you their not ready yet, i would trust your instincts over friends opinions.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,115 Posts
I wouldn't worry about changing their sleeping arrangements if it's working for everyone.<br><br>
I would habor a guess that you have been a victim of some violence. I know my mother, who was abused and neglected as a child before she was abandoned and adopted into a loving family, to this day must position the bed and choose which side she sleeps on so that she has a clear view of the door. She is afraid someone will burst in and beat her <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> (Makes me very sad to know this). I wonder if, totally separately from the sleeping arrangement question, you could benefit from counseling. I would hate to see you live your life in such fear if you could possibly move on from it. With my mother I think she's ok because as long as she can see the door, she can rest comfortably, and thus her life is not restricted (she can travel and so on). But it seems like your life is at least partly restricted, and I would hate for you to pass along your fears to your children to that degree if it can be avoided. I don't mean that in a blaming way, I'm sure you have your reasons for your fears, but perhaps that could be examined and possibly released to some degree. (And to be clear, I think that proper planning for emergencies, such as fires and home invasions, is excellent and everyone should do it - but just that there's a difference between planning and living in fear).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,654 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Thank you all for your thoughts.<br><br>
Laohaire - I'm so sorry about your mom <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> That's so sad <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> I can't trace my fear back to anything in my past. I had a great childhood, nothing violent ever happened to me or anyone I know so I don't think it's a past event. I think for me, it's the fact that I'm alone so much. I am so fearful that I won't be able to fight off an attacker by myself or get both children out of the house in case of a fire by myself.<br><br>
I don't have that same fear when DH is home. And, I'm a super independent person. I don't have a problem with him traveling or being on my own, it just fear that I won't be able to protect my kids if they're away from me and I"m all alone.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,115 Posts
You might want to check out Sanford Strong's book, Strong on Defense:<br><br><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325&tag=motheringhud-20&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FStrong-Defense-Sanford%2Fdp%2F0671535110%2Fref%3Dpd_bbs_sr_1%3Fie%3DUTF8%26s%3Dbooks%26qid%3D1215467588%26sr%3D1-1" target="_blank">http://www.amazon.com/Strong-Defense...5467588&sr=1-1</a><br><br>
I know Gavin deBecker is the personal safety guru usually quoted here, but I really liked this book. If you are very sensitive about descriptions of violence, know that it does describe very graphic violence, but I personally was less sensitive to it than with GDB's descriptions for two reasons: one, it doesn't describe violence against children (though it does include children in the book, giving them their roles, saying how to talk to them about safety preparations, and even has a few stories where children made a difference in a family emergency), and two, most of the stories increase your confidence that you can defend yourself (that is, in most cases, the victims were true survivors; even if they got hurt or even hurt badly, they still managed to come out on top).<br><br>
I like the book because whenever I read it (I refresh myself annually) I feel a lot more confident that I could handle an emergency. And it's not because the author smooths this stuff over, but because he says from his experience (as an LA cop for 20 years) that escaping from violence is a mind-set and it does not require a person to be a certain size (or age). I really like his attitude about women's safety; he is not at all pandering, and has some very refreshing arguments against the typical "women's safety" training which assumes that women cannot protect themselves, or need special weapons, or need to "give in" to demands (such as rape) in order to "not be hurt" (like rape isn't being hurt...). In addition to being a woman, I'm also legally deaf and legally blind, but I feel very empowered by how he shows that triumph over violence is 90% (or whatever) mindset.<br><br>
Anyway, maybe if you read it you can put your fears into a sharper perspective, and take positive steps to plan for emergencies (and include your children in that preparation). And then maybe you'd feel better actually doing something about it. Hopefully your DH will also read it, since it's best if the whole family is on the same page.<br><br>
You CAN protect your kids, even without DH. And your kids can, if they are about 4 years and older, take steps to protect themselves, if you plan and talk about it. You can make your critical decisions ahead of time about what you'd do "if," and then react much more quickly and decisively if that time ever comes.<br><br>
As an example of a sticky decision that would (very understandably) freeze most people, DH and I have already agreed that if there was an intruder and if I could take DD out and escape but would then have to leave him behind, I will do it. That's a very emotional decision to make in the heat of a horrible moment, but we have reasoned it out, and we agree that our first priority is for our daughter, and that I can be of more help running to get help (call police or whatever) than trying to help DH fight an intruder. That decision could make a HUGE difference to us since we'll all know what to do, and we'll do it without a second thought.<br><br>
Anyway I don't mean to make a book out of it, but just to show you that you CAN empower yourself, and maybe you'll feel better.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
864 Posts
as a fellow zonie, i just want to say that it is great that your kids are still sleeping with you. i know this state isn't exactly the epitamy of "crunch" but i think there is absolutely no problem with them still sleeping with you. and even for years to come. i can only hope my daughter still wants to sleep with me at that age! please don't listen to others and just enjoy! i mean really, for most of our evolution we slept as a family unit. you are doing what is natural.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,485 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>amcal</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11640576"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think for me, it's the fact that I'm alone so much. I am so fearful that I won't be able to fight off an attacker by myself or get both children out of the house in case of a fire by myself.<br><br>
I don't have that same fear when DH is home. And, I'm a super independent person. I don't have a problem with him traveling or being on my own, it just fear that I won't be able to protect my kids if they're away from me and I"m all alone.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I completely understand.<br><br>
Transitioning the kids to their own room was tough on me, too, but we had two toddler beds and a mini crib and our queen sized bed all in one little bedroom at the time, and things were getting congested.<br><br>
Their bedroom is closer to the main part of the house than ours is by about 6 feet, so I often feel that they are vulnerable. When my DH is gone (about 2-3 24 hour shifts a week), I just don't sleep. I can't. I feel too isolated and like you, feel like there is such a huge burden on me knowing that if ANYTHING happens, I have to deal with it alone. So I had to come up with some ways to cope.<br><br>
Having a loaded gun in my closet is the first thing. If anyone breaks into this house while my kids are asleep and DH is gone, I am ready to defend them and that gives me more peace of mind.<br><br>
Not sleeping is the other thing, or sleeping very little in a main area of the house. I stay up as late as I can and when I do sleep it's on the sofa where I can hear exactly what's going on - not in a bedroom with a closed door where I may be caught off guard.<br><br>
I also installed four fire alarms in the bedroom areas - one in our room, one in the hallway, one in the kids' room and one in their closet (their closet has the breaker box and that way if something happens with that I'll know before it spreads to the sleeping area.<br><br>
I have a game plan in the event of an emergency, whether it be fire, tornadoes or intruders. I've thought the scenarios through time and time again and that helps me feel confident that I can protect my kids.<br><br>
Since this seems to be an issue when your DH is gone, but you also *might* be thinking that the kids need their own room, then why not camp out in their room, with them, when DH is gone?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
468 Posts
op, i feel the same way! ds1 is 3.5, and the couple of times he's slept in his own bed at night (he has a bedroom, but generally uses his "little bed" for naptime during the day), i couldn't relax. i was worried that he would need me but i would be too far away to help him, never mind the fact that he's perfectly capable of getting up and coming to get me during the day! :) we kind of lucked out, in that my dh works nights and is generally awake while we're sleeping, when he's home. that's only way i can sleep when ds1 is in his own room-- when i know another adult is awake and can respond to ds1 if he needs someone. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bag.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Bag">: fortunately for me, ds1 rarely has the inclination to sleep in his "little bed" at night. he'll ask to for the novelty of it, and sleeps all night just fine, but he simply prefers to sleep with me and his little brother. my intention has always been to move the two of them out of my bed at the same time, to share their own bed so they don't get lonely, when they're around 5 and 2.5, but the way i'm going, for my own peace of mind, i may have to transition them to a separate mattress in my bedroom first! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
christina
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
899 Posts
there is a part of me that totally gets what you are saying... and I don't blame you one bit ( I'm talking about the fear of kidnapping)<br><br>
I actually haven't read your whole message... my mind, heart, everything just wanted to scream out "right on, why put them to sleep anywhere but in your protective arms"<br><br>
I am so all over that, I wonder if there is something wrong with me... but really... this is a crazy world and we are made to feel protective so I feel no shame... then again, my ds is 22 mo<br><br>
I suppose you are feeling twinges to give them another step toward self-sufficiency, something it is our job to teach, and twinges to protect like a lioness.<br><br>
I feel for you and I am in the same boat with a younger ds<br><br>
About books, I gleaned alot of support from reading "the gift of fear". Really a great book that helps you stop feeling like you are crazy... especially as a women.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
661 Posts
To the OP <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br>
I do not believe that it's harming your kids to be sleeping with you. I have felt EXACTLY the same way when DH has been gone over night. Mostly, I worry about fire and how I'd get them all out safely on my own. Once, while my dh was gone, my youngest were sleeping in our room and my 15yr old son asked to sleep on the twin we have in there too!!<br><br>
If that's where they WANT to sleep, I cannot see how it would hurt them to. My kids are 15, 8, 5, and 17mos. The baby is in our bed. Up until VERY recently the middle two slept on a twin in our room. Now some nights they sleep in the twin in the other room together and some nights they're with us. If dh was gone, they'd DEFINATELY be back in with me because they'd probably ask. Most everyone we know has been shocked at our sleeping arrangements but I maintain....they will grow to be healthy adults and go off into the world without any emotional scars because they slept with family until they were "big".<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"><br><br>
Now, all that said I do have one concern for you. I'm wondering if your kids are sensing your intese fear and being afraid because of it. This is in no way a judgement!! I just wonder if they're desperate to be in with you because they can sense your fear. Overall it does not sound like you're suffering from fear in the rest of your life...only you can know if the night-time fear is "out of control". I would second the suggestion for some therapy. Maybe just touch base with someone a few times to make sure that the fear is not controlling you.<br><br>
I always remind myself, they're little for such a short time, why not hold them close and enjoy it???<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 
1 - 20 of 23 Posts
Top