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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My daughter will not sleep without one of us in the bed. This means she only sleeps 8-9 hours a night, and barely naps. It also means that we get no sex life of any kind- my daughter also won't tolerate a sitter. She just cries for anyone who's not us.<br><br>
I am discovering that I'm feeling really frustrated and resentful of this. I mean, we've dtd 3 times in her 6-1/2 months, and it's not because we're not interested- it's because we have virtually no alone-couple-time. None. I feel like I'm gonna snap if I don't get some soon.<br><br>
I end up lying around in the bed for naps, trying to find something to do that doesn't disturb her and just getting increasingly pissed off- and if I don't do this, she doesn't sleep, and she needs rest! I can't get her to sleep in the sling regularly anymore, and even if I could, I'd just be frustrated that I had to be walking around the whole time.<br><br>
Does anyone have any advice? Please don't tell me that she'll just grow out of it; I don't think I can cope with contemplating months more of enforced celibacy and tired baby.<br><br>
Julia
 

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Maybe I am a sick woman, but in our king sized bed, I have pushed my babies over, put pillows between and had "fun" with hub (vy quietly!), also on floor next to bed. Not the most romantic, but hey. (It's a futon, so it doesnt bounce). Couldn't you put her down, then be romantic in another room? Or will she absolutely wake up when you arent there? Wow, that is tough, mama. I would be dang frustrated too.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
By "my daughter will not sleep without one of us in the bed" I indeed meant that if we are not there, she will wake up. I'm pretty darn sure that she'd wake up if we tried to get it on with her in the bed, too.<br><br>
We in fact have a spare bed in a spare room with a nice big bottle of astroglide next to it that we do not get to use.<br><br>
Julia
 

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Taking notes. We have the same situation, and we've DTD once since before he was born.
 

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That's a thoughy....My son's the same, but not as persistant, there is the occassion when i can lay in bed with him, wait 'til he's in a deep sleep, then sneak away. I don't know how much I can offer that you wouldn't have tried already....Leaving a sweatshirt or T-shirt that smells like you with them (I've actually snuck out of my shirt that i was wearing so that the smell and warmth wouldn't move, but i'd be free. does a swing work? or in the car seat, and you can swing that? Maybe even try leaving some white noise on while you make your escape.....My son likes the hairdrier, maybe you could use a soothing noise to put them down, then at least you wouldn't be heard leaving (although that baby radar's pretty fine-tuned).<br>
GOOD LUCK!<br><br>
oh....you may also want to consider your postion while you're putting them down, make sure your arms and clothing aren't under them, so you disturb them as little as possible when you try to go. And I sometimes think i've blown my mission when he stirs, but if i just ignore him he'll sometimes settle back down since he never really woke up fully
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> No words of wisdom since I am pretty much in the same boat with my 7.5 mo. We have been able to get in a few quickies though (10 mins or less) and that does take the edge off.<br><br>
My girl still naps in arms and at 19 lbs, it ain't comfy. I think what keeps me grounded though is the fact that my ds is 14 and so I know that they grow up fast. Though at times it still is maddening that I was so close to parental freedom and now its all gone. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
Shay
 

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1-Keep repeating "its a phase"<br>
2- Quickies<br>
3- Keep a book handy so you can read during naps or my sanity saver: Laptop in bed! lol<br>
4- have you looked into anything like allergies?<br>
5- Bath before bed<br><br>
Good Luck!
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Right there with you. It's a rare event at our house as well...but it won't last forever. My first child was likethis also, and it really did get better...we managed to conceive a second...albeit, quickly and quietly!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br>
I do wish there was a smilie for "in need of the deed." You have to wonder what that one would look like...probably similar to this <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/nut.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="nut"> .
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>SMUM</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Maybe I am a sick woman, but in our king sized bed, I have pushed my babies over, put pillows between and had "fun" with hub (vy quietly!), also on floor next to bed. Not the most romantic, but hey. (It's a futon, so it doesnt bounce). Couldn't you put her down, then be romantic in another room? Or will she absolutely wake up when you arent there? Wow, that is tough, mama. I would be dang frustrated too.</div>
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That's what we do, too, when ds (9 months) is asleep. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bag.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Bag">:
 

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i am totally with you! it is not easy. we have a small apartment, so we have "quick and quiet fun" next to dd (in deep sleep) as the pps said. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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I am going to be the lone voice of dissent I guess.<br><br>
I personally don't think this is healthy for you, your relationship with your husband or your baby. I believe that babies can sleep without you next to them and that it is healthy for them. I am not against co-sleeping, I just believe that a baby should be able to be put down for naps and sleep without you right next to them.<br><br>
My relationship, my sexual relationship I might add, is very important with my husband. When I don't have enough time with him, I get irritable and sad. I would and have been resentful at times when our children have interferred with that time repeatedly.<br><br>
I wouldn't have sex with my husband with a baby in the bed with us. I find it pretty disgusting and I personally find that to be a serious boundary issue.<br><br>
I think there are some ways you can train your baby gently to sleep alone, either on a cot, your bed, a crib, something without you. Even though some will say this time is fleeting, its possible it could just develop into a bad habit, which would not be cool.<br><br>
My daughter is nearly 9 months old and she sleeps a good half of the night in her crib, and the early morning hours next to us in bed. Of course I started this when she was born, because I've already been there and done that with a previous child.
 

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I find being that judgmental pretty disgusting.<br><br>
I came back to add a suggestion to read the no cry sleep solution.<br><br>
Can we all find ways of expressing our opinions politely? There was no reason for the pp to call what others do, what works for them "disgusting." It would have sufficed to say you do no agree with it or it doesn't work in your life.
 

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You may have tried this already, but we use a hot water bottle wrapped in a receiving blanket in his bassinet to try to fool him into thinking there's a person there. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.<br><br>
I know exactly how you feel though.
 

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Another vote for the disgusting, boundary crossing, quiet, delicious sex in bed with a baby sleeping next to us.<br><br>
We just move the baby over in our king sized bed and, ahem. We save the crazy monkey love for another time. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
My time with my husband is very special for me as well. I desperately crave the time spent close to him, not necessarily having sex, but just BEING with him. With four kids, it can be a drought between those oases, though. And, we're both okay with it. We talk about it, we discuss it, and we KNOW that it will pass. We knew what we signed on for when we had Ivan, and he deserves to have present parents, day or night.<br><br>
Edited to add: I'm not sure that a child wanting to have a parent in bed with them is a bad habit. I really chafe at that phrase, because every child is individual. Some will bolt out of bed at 2, ready for their own space, and some need a little more than that. I don't know of any teenagers who want to sleep with their parents, but I'm sure someone will dredge one up to prove their point here.<br><br>
Eventually, he will be out of our bed, and in someone else's. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> Then, let the wild rumpus, well, you know the rest...<br><br>
To the OP: Have you tried quickies while your baby plays? How about shower sex? My baby loves the noise of the shower, so we can do DTD while he is enjoying the white noise of the spray. I know of a mama who calls the exersaucer, the sexersaucer because it was good for about 15 minutes of "free time." Hang on, it will be better soon!
 

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I would never "train" my 9 month old to sleep in a cot next to my bed. I would rather have them in the bed where they felt safe sleeping, they don't know what the heck is going on, and lovemaking is not disgusting. If it was a two year old and we were going at it naked in front of the toddler, yes maybe that would be a bit much, because they might be disturbed by the noises or what have you...and if it helps mama and daddy be more loving, satisfied parents, well then.
 

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For the dtd, I think we've dtd 4 times now, 3 quickies while she was intently and happily playing alome amd one w/ her playing in the crib about 2 feet away. Our crib is sidecar'd to the bed too. We did think it was a little weird, but at 6 months old she just shook her rattle and then tried to crawl as if she were on the floor in the living room. We take advantage of happy moments of safe play for "romance".<br><br>
For sleeping, I just take the cues from dd, she sleeps on my lap in the boppy. Until 2 weeks ago she sucked *my* thumb for napping. Now that she happily takes a pacifier. I gently put her in bed whenever possible (or when I wan too) once she's asleep. If she wakes up I wait and then go to her (unless she's crying, then I go right away, but she usually just coo's)<br><br>
We just started doing that because like your dd, I have to be in bed with my dd, or she'll wake up. I started getting up at night after taking her to bed and getting her to sleep, and somenights, I can be back out here for an hour or so before she wakes up to eat.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Boof</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I find being that judgmental pretty disgusting.<br><br>
I came back to add a suggestion to read the no cry sleep solution.<br><br>
Can we all find ways of expressing our opinions politely? There was no reason for the pp to call what others do, what works for them "disgusting." It would have sufficed to say you do no agree with it or it doesn't work in your life.</div>
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When I read her post I found clearly stated personal opnions, in regard to sex in bed. She said "I find it disgusting" not "you are dusgusting for having sex in be with your baby."<br><br>
The only judgemental statements she made were in the first paragraph, and I found them to be polite.
 

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I think it was judgmental to say "I find it pretty disgusting.."etc. Sorry, that's just my judgment. It would be like me saying "I find it pretty awful to train your child to sleep without you." but I am not going to say that on a public forum when another person has said they do coz it's just not cool. if they want to pm me that I find you disgusting for doing xyz, and then give reasons why, fine. Disgusting is a strong word, there are other ways of posting your feelings that aren't so strong, like I wouldn't do it...and then leave it be.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Disgusting or no, it doesn't solve our problem... She wouldn't stay asleep for us to get in on in bed with her even if we were inclined to do so which (as it happens and no judgement on anyone else) we aren't.<br><br>
I really want advice on how to get her to sleep at least for naps without us. I <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"> sleeping with my daughter. I really feel strongly that it's best for her- she sleeps beautifully when someone's with her. But she's not getting enough rest, and we're not getting any time alone.<br><br>
So, Onthefence, if you have "some ways you can train your baby gently to sleep alone, either on a cot, your bed, a crib, something without you", PLEASE SHARE. I don't think I agree about the "bad habit" thing, but what's going on now is clearly not working.<br><br>
Julia
 

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I've found (in the past) that having a t.v. or music on while you put baby to sleep may allow you to sneak away while they are asleep...the background noise helps to keep them asleep so you can have some lovins with your dh. It's worth a try!
 
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