[ashleybrook]

<p>arghh. so let me preface this by saying my dh and i love to buy used! we love thrift stores and recycled things, so we've already gotten a lot of stuff from local thrift stores... and hand me downs! we did decide to register after debating it and so we didn't really register for a lot of things...i think there's about 20 items on the list. however, when we registered we had one disagreement. he wanted a jogging stroller, if you buy it new it's about $400. he'd also told me that he'd found some similar to what he wanted on craigslist for about $50. well, i said, i think it's pretty ridiculous to put it on the list if we can get it or "close enough" for such a smaller price. plus he can't even use it for 6mo/or 1year because the babe has to be bigger... so we would have had plenty of time to look online.</p>
<p>we put it on the registry...then i actually took it off because i felt bad. then he reminded me, it's the only thing he really "wanted"...so i put it back on. which is not actually true, because he wanted the baby bath and i thought it was pretty unnecessary, but we agreed to put it on anyways.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>long story short, my sister ended up talking my dad into splurging and i feel guilty. that is exactly what i didn't want to happen. i know he's not loaded down with money at the moment and just wish it wouldn't have been purchased. i was really bummed when i first found out. i told my dh this and then we had a bit of a disagreement because we were both frustrated. but really i know that's not the right attitude to have, so i told my dh i was wrong...and i'll just be grateful that my father was so generous. and plus my dh has something that he's really looking forward to, he loved running with the two babes he had before. so he's really looking forward to it.</p>
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<p>has anybody has this guilt about others spending so much money? i mean, i would never spend it and i think that's my issue. also, i didn't want it on the list, but he did so much that i said okay...even though it apparently still bothered me. </p>
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<p>ashley</p>
<p> </p>

 

[kitkat5505]

<p>I can definitely understand both of your sides on this. I too would feel guilty if someone spent that much on a gift that I could find used cheaper, but if your dad was willing to spend that much on it and it will get lots of use then at least it isn't a waste of money. I think the most expensive thing on my registry is a twin nursing pillow, but I'm planning to find one cheaper on ebay or amazon (and I need to check some consignment shops). I also only put a few things on my registry, mostly diapers lol. We don't need a lot and most of our family and friends don't have a lot of money so I don't want people feeling like they need to get me something expensive. Seriously, a pack of diapers makes me thrilled lol.</p>

 

[nia82]

<p>I feel guilty too when family buys us expensive items, but then again, they really want to give something and can afford it, so I get something useful (they only buy stuff that we explicitly said we like) and they feel good about themselves without accumulating credit card debt.... I had a hard time with this for a long time, but I have accepted it now that DS is 2 years old and both grandparents just keep doing it (not necessarily expensive stuff, but gifts).</p>
<p>We mostly got money though as baby shower gift, so that was nice to just buy with it what we like and where - I bought items new, but at cheaper places (e.g. furniture, cause that gets used for all our children).</p>

 

[nosce]

<p>I come from a very lower-middle class frugal family that pinched pennies even when there was no need, and my husband comes from a lower-upper class family with wealth. I had a really hard time accepting larger gifts when my first child was born and struggled a lot with guilt that wasn't necessarily for things that were my fault. My mother in law just loved to purchase unnecessary things for us and extras for her home that she swore we'd need, even though I told her we either didn't need them at all, could purchase used for a fraction of the price (especially for something that would rarely be used in her home), or could just transfer from our home to hers as the need appeared. She never did listen- she blessed us with $400 worth of fancy cloth diapers and then still insisted on purchasing a year's supply of disposables to keep in her home, "just in case". We never did open those diapers and after my daughter's first birthday Anne asked me what should be done with them. Take them to a shelter or daycare, of course! WE NEVER DID NEED TO BUY THOSE.</p>
<p>So I was really frustrated by her "generosity" in my daughter's first year. But suddenly I realized that Anne's buying really had nothing to do with me and my choices or my daughter. It was my mother in law reliving motherhood in whatever way she could- so much of people's actions have nothing to do with you but are part of their own private dream that you just happen to be an actor in. It's unfortunate at times, but if you can realize that, it helps you accept the way people are and not take it so personally.</p>
<p>Flash forward another year, to my pregnancy with our second child. Anne is still forcing spending on us and demanding to know what she should buy. This time I KNOW that telling her what we really need isn't going to make her spend wisely, so I try to indulge her need to be frivolous by at least steering her in the (cringeworthy) expensive direction of what would work for our family. She's insisting we need a double stroller and so, sigh, I'm going stroller shopping with her next week and a Graco just isn't going to cut it. I hate asking for the expensive option, but that's what she'd want to buy anyway and what I want would work best for our situation. I STILL hate asking for expensive things, but...you know? Sometimes you have to remember this really isn't about you. People are going to do what they want to do no matter what.</p>
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<p>*hugs* It's a tough one, I know! It's way complicated.</p>

 

[laerhk]

<p>It's hard to accept expensive items when you know you either won't need it or won't use it, but if it's something you will use or do want, then try to remember that as long as you have a variety of items on your registry (pricey and cheap, fru-fru and necessities) it's okay if others spend their money on you.  It's not your fault if they pick the pricier item!  Given a choice, most don't do that if there are other options available.  Considering it's your family and they are purchasing it together, I think you should cut yourself some slack  Besides, some people enjoy spending their money/giving things to others; it's how they show affection (See "The Five Love Languages") even when they can't afford to do so.  Try not to feel bad about those few expensive items; instead, remember that every time you use it, it will remind you of them (because it does!) and be happy in the knowledge that you have done quite a lot of bargin-hunting already to help everyone save some money as well as the environment.  If you take good care of those pricey items, you can pass them on/resell them knowing that someone like you will benefit from this splurge in the future. </p>
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[mcs]

<p>i think that it is great that you will at least get something that is useful. and it seems like maybe it is something really special to your dh- b/c of his other dc. but, i can see that it bothers you if your dad doesn't have the money right now. is it something you could talk to him (your dad,) about?</p>
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<p> </p>
<p>both my mother and mil just buy- they don't ask or think (about us or what we might like,) they just spend money. i had come to the same conclusions as nosce- that it is about people fulfilling their own dreams, and that i should try to guide it when i can (or have a house filled to the gills with plastic and extra large clothes for our extra small family,) but mostly let it go.  now that we are in germany though, and i can't buy some of the things that i could in america....i get so frustrated!!</p>
<p>and the cost to ship things is enormous- it hurts me to see! i asked my mom to send some cheerios as a treat for the girls.....she sent honey-nut cheerios. i asked her to send a specific lotion (unscented,).... she sent a small bottle of what i asked for and another larger one that is scented.</p>
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<p>but, my mom and i reached an agreement in the last week- for christmas, she is just going to give me money to buy things here and avoid shipping costs! i hope she will stick to it! ...but the problem with this is that she gives more money than we would spend on our girls- which means that "grandma's christmas" is bigger than santa and us combined. that seems a little silly, but she wants to give it anyway....i don't know how to curb that problem yet.</p>
<p>hijack over. sorry.</p>

 

[ashleybrook]

<p>thanks for your feedback ladies... i've been able to let go of the frustration...and as many of you stated just glad it's something that my dh wanted and that will get a lot of use! my dh really is excited about it, and so i know it'll be greatly appreciated multiple times a week! </p>
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<p>as far as my sister and dad go...well, that's part of our history, that my sis sometimes pushes my dad to get me things that i don't really need...or give me more money, etc. and really it's what she wants me to do for her...but that's not me. and that's between them. they're both adults and can handle their own relations, i certainly don't want the stress of getting involved in that. </p>
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<p>i'm sure when i get to see my dad i'll just give him a big hug and tell him how excited my dh is! </p>
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<p>thanks again for sympathies and input...gift receiving is an interesting part of the parental equation that i hadn't thought to much about...but i'm sure will come up in the future, especially since i lean towards recycled minimalist and others that i love don't! <img alt="wink1.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/wink1.gif"></p>
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<p>ashley</p>

 

[nia82]

<p> </p>
<p>@ mcs: I know that a little bit... My parents mean well and it makes them feel good, but I feel awful, but then again, I cannot stop them... Just today they announced that they sent a big package our way, the postage alone was like 40 Euros! (the package though contains stuff that is not available in the US). Holy Cow! Since they started to think though to send money instead, I will get one of those free online accounts in Germany with a debit card so I can just get the money here at any ATM. They wired money for a flight ticket in August and the wiring fees are horrific. And we have bad experiences with sending stuff to Germany, it was held hostage by customs (Zoll), yikes.</p>

 

[mcs]

<p>yes! they have held two of the packages from my mom! well, one from my mom and one from llbean. i was joking with her that they held it b/c "what? two "L's" why two??? suspicious." </p>
<p> </p>
<p>i don't know about the online accounts- how does that work? do you have a good site that you use?</p>

 

[mcs]

<p>and, ashley, you are right- get ready for all sorts of unforeseen/unforeseeable family disturbances. lol.</p>
<p>but, of course- unimaginable joy too.</p>

 

[nia82]

<p>Ours got held hostage cause they wanted to charge custom fees... But if it's a package from private to private it can contain up to 40 Euros of stuff before they can charge stuff... So I always take off tags, wash clothes and such and put in the customs form that it is gently used stuff... E.g. when I sent clothes for my nephews, since infant clothing is really expensive in Germany... That worked out fine. But last time I sent a kite, a frigging $25 kite that was huge, yet cheapo, to my dad who wanted it, and they didn't believe my declaration, no they wanted to see an invoice. Cause they claimed my address looks like a business address... Gosh was I mad at that customs officer (I had made it to Europe in the meantime)... Yikes!</p>
<p>I haven't decided on the account yet, but since you live in Germany right now you actually have more options, since most require a physical address in Europe. Comdirect, Norisbank and DKB offer free accounts (Girokonto)... If you have a German speaking person to help out with that, would be great, just to know the fine print...</p>
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<p>@ Ashley: You will get somewhat used to the situation... And you can learn how to steer the gift giving into stuff that you actually need... With DS, we have a wishlist at Moolka that we keep updated from which family can pick presents for Christmas and his birthday, I put stuff ranging from $10 to $100 there, so people can pick how much they want to spend.... DH's grandma is wealthy and wants to spend a lot, so she bought a rocking horse once and now a play kitchen... But I know that she wants to and has the money and still feel good... I know some family members who use the situation and ask for super expensive presents ($500!!!)...</p>