[DaddyOh]

I Wanted to get the opinion of some of you single moms out there.

XW and I have been separated for one year and divorced for about 3 months.

I was out with GF today and XW called to ask if I wanted to see DD. I said, "sure...see you in 10 minutes."

XW has never met GF before.

FYI...XW told me before hanging up that her SO (whom she had a 3 year affair with that helped to end our marriage) was there.

GF and I drove over together to pick up DD. Upon arriving at XW's I got out and spoke to XW's SO(B). They were cleaning out my old garage and I simply said hello and congratulated him on the birth of his second grandchild (he's 20 yrs. older than XW).

Meanwhile XW walks over to introduce herself to GF. Conversation starts civil enough with a handshake and GF commenting how my DD resembles XW. XW said she'd take that as a compliment.

Then, XW comments to GF that she has wanted to meet her since she was going to be, "around my daughter" but I wouldn't allow a meeting yet.

GF said she completely understands b/c, "I am a mama as well."

Then XW's eyes literally started bugging out of her head and her voice changed to a more tense tone and said, "how do I know you're not going to be hitting my daughter?"

GF said (again), "I understand your concerns...I'm a mama too."

When I took DD back tonight (without GF) XW was ready to fight. She insisted that I give her GF's phone number and even quipped that she knew where GF works (about an hour away) and said she knew GF would have time to talk b/c "the semester doesn't begin until August 17th."

Ok, sidebar... the fact that XW has done enough research to know GF's teaching schedule is indicative of the fact that she is (at the least) a friggin stalker.

The reason she wants GF's phone number so badly is b/c she wants a meeting between the two to talk about God knows what.

There's more details but that's the gist of it.

Ok, I understand the concern on XW's part. If you comment on this thread we'll just assume that any rational person would have a concern about who their child will be around.

But, what I want your opinion on is...

Is it just me or is she being irrational? I am, after all, DD's father. I pay child support on time. I volunteered alimony. I mowed her lawn for a while after moving out. I paid to have her car repaired to the tune of $250 and I regularly offer help/gas money/other assistance.

Mind you, she had a long term affair - not me.

Also, my GF is a completely wonderful person with a son of her own. She's everything I could have hoped for and absolutely makes me smile inside and out. We share the same Christian values and she gets along with DD better than anyone could have ever imagined. In fact, I thought DD was going to go bananas the other day when she learned that GF wasn't going to be coming over.

I think XW should trust my judgment. That's not to say she should blindly trust me, but we did stay together for 13 years and she knows how much my world revolves around caring for DD. I cook meals for DD. I volunteer to take DD to school and have lunch with her at school every chance I get.

The other thing I want to know is...

What is the protocol for giving someone's number out? I simply told XW that I would not be giving her GF's number. When she asked why, I said, "because it's not my number...it's hers."

Bottom line: I think XW is being largely irrational and grasping for any ounce of control she can get over me. She did not know GF was coming with me and had no time to prepare herself for the meeting. This took the control away from her and she is livid about it.

She chose Grandpa over me and now acts angry when I finally meet the one I wish I would have met 13 years ago.

What do you think Mamas?

 

[trinity6232000]

It's so hard to understand why another person reacts to things.

I agree don't be giving other people's numbers out. If ex wants to talk to your
GF then she should call her at your home, when she is there. I think since
she will be around your dd she has the right to talk to her as long as she is
polite. If she gets nutty, then they shouldn't talk further.

My ex took up with another person while I was still pregnant. When dd was
about 3 months old I really just needed a break. I asked ex if he would watch
dd, while I just went and saw a movie myself. He had never watched her so
I asked him if his gf would be there. In my naive mind, I already trusted her
since she was a nurse, and I knew ex wouldn't hurt her, but nice to have extra
hands there to help him.

So when I dropped dd off, ex was alone. He was excited to be with dd. When
I came back his gf was there too. We met, talked, it went pretty good. Over
the next couple years I grew to really like ex's gal. I was hoping she would
become dd's stepmom cause she was really caring and sweet with dd.

Lets get to when dd turned 2. I had a family b-day party for her, her dad,
grandparents, family all came over. Ex planned on leaving at 6pm, and I
politely asked him at 5:45 if he was still planning on leaving since the person
I was seeing was coming over. I thought it would be odd for ex. Well their
paths crossed and ex walked right past him when he went to shake his hand
and introduce himself. Said goodbye to dd, didn't say goodbye to his family
then left.
I had been in contact with his SO for 2 years, and he couldn't even look at
mine in the eye.
(Side note, he didn't stay with sweet girl. Met a 20 yo on the net, who "isn't
interested in being a step-mom" hasn't seen our dd in two years.)

 

[DaddyOh]

Sorry your dd's biodad has little or no social skills and scarcely remembers that you do/did when meeting his SO.

I agree (as I mentioned in my thread) XW has a right to know the type of person GF is.

However, she doesn't get a veto or even a vote. She gave that right away when she had her affair with grandpa.

Let me also mention that, as a condition of our divorce/custody agreement, neither of us is allowed to expose DD to drug or alcohol use, gambling or a host of other activities and we are both prevented from having non-familial guests spend the night when DD is present.

By the way, that provision of the agreement was my idea.

I deserve some trust.

My question is... is she being irrational in her approach to getting to know GF?

I think so.

 

[mama40]

1. I think you should put down the anger and insults and step away. Seriously. It's not helping your case, and it can't help any of the relationships.

2. You didn't mention you were bringing gf with you to xw's house. Bad idea. Have you mentioned that gf has any involvement with dd? If not, then I think you were probably asking for some trouble. The issue isn't jealousy wrt you; you're bringing a strange person into a mama's child's life, and no matter what she may think of you, she doesn't know this woman. Of course she's going to be suspicious.

3. No, Googling your gf after you've sprung her on your xw doesn't make your xw a stalker. If xw starts showing up and monitoring your gf, that's another story.

4. No, she doesn't have any business having gf's phone number. (Nor do you have any business plucking this out of the rest of the post and saying, "See, they agree with me!")

5. No, it's not unreasonable for her to want to meet with gf. Your gf plays an important role in her daughter's life. It's very normal for a mother to want to know what's going on there, and IMO quite appropriate, so long as the interest doesn't extend to your healthy relationship with gf. Ultimately, any meeting is up to gf. But the offer to meet should not go through you, and unless everyone involve has amazing probity, it should probably be arm's-length or in the company of a friendly counselor. And there shouldn't be any hope of friendship or intimacy.

6. Um...I'm really not wowed by the support-on-time/lawnmowing items. Affair or no affair. You're supposed to pay your support on time. It's the law, and you owe it to the kid.

Bottom line, xw may have done you dirty, but you're not romantically linked anymore; you're parents. Don't do things that freak your daughter's mom out unnecessarily, and understand that it's reasonable for her to worry about dd's welfare with gf.

Have you considered the possibility that she's glad you've found someone and are moving on? And that her freakout is actually about a stranger suddenly appearing in her daughter's life (as far as she knows), not you? The fact that you think your gf is wonderful is really no reason for xw to think she's wonderful; after all, it's you in love with gf, not xw.

You know, I've got more info on nanny applicants than your xw has on your gf. Academic background, certifications, references, resume, some conversation, some idea of their personal plans. I didn't ask for it; they submit it as standard. There's some understanding there that it's a serious thing to leave your child with someone you really don't know and isn't accredited with some state agency. Add to that the reasonable fear that dd will get attached and gf will leave -- reasonable because it's a common thing -- and maybe you can begin to understand why xw's reaction isn't necessarily some control-the-exhusband escapade.

 

[MissSavannahsMommy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaddyOh What do you think Mamas?

Here's my personal opinion; Take it for what it's worth. I can see both sides. I do not think it's okay to give out your g/f's phone number.

But also, my own personal opinion is maybe they do want to meet and it's okay for them to meet. My ex has been in a relationship for the past year and his g/f has been over literally every day that they have since begun their relationsihp and i have NEVER met her.

I knock on the door to pick up DD, she runs into another room. It's incredibly frustrating knowing that there is literally some "stranger" raising your kid who "runs away" from you when you pick up your own DD for whatever reasons. I'm sure i'm seen as a not so nice person over there and that's fine, but don't run away from me, it just looks really bad!

I'm not trying to compare the two situations but I have a feeling if i met my ex's current g/f (and she sounds like a somewhat nice girl, aside from some massive boundary issues) i'd be a lot more trustworthy of her constant presence around my dd.

But as it stands now, i'm incredibly skeptical, and i've found this affecting EVERY aspect of my relationship with my ex as a father. I don't trust him, I don't even know him anymore, but I find myself incredibly bitter and angry towards anything that he does because it's literally looking like my ex cannot handle my dd at all without her being there. She has been around my DD 4x a week for the past year. That's some MASSIVE "bonding" time and I don't even know what she looks like, let alone what role she plays in my daughters upbringing over there.

That being said, perhaps 'bridging the gap' in an acceptable and positive parental way would be most appropriate? I'm not saying you need to let your ex wife in on every detail that happens during your visitation, but I think you need to be extremely cautious on when/who you let into your daughters life and if your ex wife is cautious, perhaps allowing her into your visitation temporarily will help out. I think she's being somewhat unreasonable requesting the phone number, but i also think you're being unreasonable as to not allow a meeting. Perhaps all 3 of you can sit down and get whatever it is off you chest?

I"m just speaking from personal experience from the "you're never allowed to even look at my g/f". I just think alot of bitterness and hostility could have been saved in my own personal relationship had I been informed or even been given the chance to meet my ex's current g/f. I think it would have cut down on the awkwardness and underlying issues and we could all agree to help foster DDs benefit no matter who was in charge of "parenting" that day.

Sorry i rambeled on, but I'd really like to help out anyone sort of in the same situation. If i could go back in time when she first started showing up, I think i would have made the total intitive to start up a conversation about her no matter what nasty looks i would have gotten from my ex- but it's way too late and things have gotten so bad and I'd hate for anyone else to go through the feelings i've been dealing with for the past year.

 

[Jilian]

I agree that you should not give out your GF's phone number. Now I'll share my situation to try to show you another side:

My STBX met a girl in another state while he was on vacation, one month later he flew her down to visit. After spending one day with her, my son learned to say "baby brother (insert ex's GF's name)" When I asked ex what that meant he said it meant that DS wanted a baby brother from his new GF

. Then another month later ex mved this girl in with him. He also began leaving our DS alone with her. I asked to meet her and he said it would make her feel uncomfortable. Well, that made ME feel uncomfortable! As a mother, it is the worst feeling of all to know your child is in the care of a complete stranger that you know nothing about.

I can see why your ex wants to get to know her better. It is not right for your ex to yell at her or be mean to her and I don't blame you for getting defensive at all - I would too. Is there any way you could plan a playdate with all of you (you, GF, ex and her new BF)? Then you could all chat in a neutral setting like a park. If things get bad then one couple can leave, just try to keep from talking in a mean way around the child.

I guess I can see both sides. I've been in your ex wife's shoes and it SUCKS. I've felt angry, I've wanted to yell at ex and his GF. It's a crappy situation for all involved. Just keep in mind that it is an adjustment for everyone and it will take time.

 

[ExuberantDaffodil]

Hi DaddyOh. Welcome to the Single Parenting board! I hope you didn't feel attacked...

First off, I'm betting that a lot more went on at that meeting than you were able to write into a post.

In situations like these, I try to think of what would be the most logical thing to do. I remember when I met X's gf for the first time - he brought her to ds's 2nd birthday party at my house without telling me beforehand. I was a little put out, but I walked up to her, smiled, extended my hand, introduced myself and welcomed her into my home. I did NOT flip out (that would have hurt my own credibility, yk?) and start demanding phone numbers or hinting that I knew where she worked, or accusing her of potentially hitting my son. That would have been weird and innapropriate and caused more strain than is needed. Instead, i talked to her in a friendly way, assessing what kind of person she is. At our next meeting, X's gf and I were able to chat amicably enough about her role in my son's life. I think she and I have an understanding, and niether one of us thinks the other is borderline crazy.

You know, with all the posts we have here in the single parenting board about dads who can't/don't/won't pay child support or pay on time, who don't see their kids, who treat these mamas like lower than dirt, I AM impressed that you seem to have stepped up to the plate and remain involved in the care of your daughter. The world needs less dead-beat dads and more caring men.

And with all the posts we have here about moms who have been cheated on, abused in some way, abandoned, and sadly mistreated, I am a little surprised that you weren't offered the same hugs and support. So, you are getting them from me.

A spouse cheating is very damaging, I know. Not enough time has passed to seperate you from the enormous grief of losing the one you love's affection and devotion. And then to lose your in-laws, full time with child, and who knows what else... there's a whole grieving process to go through.

So to answer your question, yes, I think your exw was a little over the edge at the meeting. Her boyfriend was at her house when you stopped by, what's wrong with your gf being in the car with you? yes, it can be nerve-wracking, but no one needs to flip out.

I hope you feel free to post more here, DaddyOh. It is a very supportive community (right, mamas?) and we'd like the input from an involved dad from time to time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jilian I can see why your ex wants to get to know her better. It is not right for your ex to yell at her or be mean to her and I don't blame you for getting defensive at all - I would too. Is there any way you could plan a playdate with all of you (you, GF, ex and her new BF)? Then you could all chat in a neutral setting like a park. If things get bad then one couple can leave, just try to keep from talking in a mean way around the child.

That's a good idea, Jilian!

 

[mmace]

Hi DaddyOh - welcome to single parenting! First off, I also want to give you some hugs - my X cheated on me, and I know how horribly that hurts. I'm glad that you seem to have worked past it and found happiness again.

As for your ex wife and your girlfriend meeting, I'm all for it. As a mother, knowing who is involved in my children's lives is soooo important. I want to meet their teachers, I want to meet their friends, why wouldn't I want to meet their dad's girlfriend? Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way for me - I asked to meet her and I was told that she refused to meet me. Later, after they broke up, I had occassion to talk to her, and when I asked her why she wouldn't meet me she told me that he told her the same thing, that I refused to meet her. Go figure!

I wish you the best, and I hope that you are all able to find a way to get along!

 

[Jilian]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ExuberantDaffodil Hi DaddyOh. Welcome to the Single Parenting board! I hope you didn't feel attacked... First off, I'm betting that a lot more went on at that meeting than you were able to write into a post.

I agree

I hope you don't feel attacked, I think some mamas react so strongly because they've been in your ex W's shoes before and know how it feels. Many of us have also been in your shoes where our partner walked out on us after having an affair and many mamas here can relate to the feelings that go along with that. I've certainly been known to call my ex a name or two in the past

:

Please feel welcome here and post whenever you have a question or just need to vent. We love seeing dads who are involved in their children's lives!

 

[BelovedK]

ITA with mama40

I have been trying to meet X's gf and he wouldn't even give me haer email addy. My intentions were pure. I wanted to apoligize to her for the bad attitude i showed when she first came on the picture, and MOST of all, I needed to meet and talk to any woman who is going to be around my kids. They decided that for now, she wouldn't be around them. If they should ever decide that she become a part of their lives, I WILL meet her.

I think your X does sound a little unbalanced, so i guess trust your judgement, but I'd let them meet before she (gf) has contact w/ your DC. JMO

Quote:

Originally Posted by mama40 1. I think you should put down the anger and insults and step away. Seriously. It's not helping your case, and it can't help any of the relationships. 2. You didn't mention you were bringing gf with you to xw's house. Bad idea. Have you mentioned that gf has any involvement with dd? If not, then I think you were probably asking for some trouble. The issue isn't jealousy wrt you; you're bringing a strange person into a mama's child's life, and no matter what she may think of you, she doesn't know this woman. Of course she's going to be suspicious. 3. No, Googling your gf after you've sprung her on your xw doesn't make your xw a stalker. If xw starts showing up and monitoring your gf, that's another story. 4. No, she doesn't have any business having gf's phone number. (Nor do you have any business plucking this out of the rest of the post and saying, "See, they agree with me!") 5. No, it's not unreasonable for her to want to meet with gf. Your gf plays an important role in her daughter's life. It's very normal for a mother to want to know what's going on there, and IMO quite appropriate, so long as the interest doesn't extend to your healthy relationship with gf. Ultimately, any meeting is up to gf. But the offer to meet should not go through you, and unless everyone involve has amazing probity, it should probably be arm's-length or in the company of a friendly counselor. And there shouldn't be any hope of friendship or intimacy. 6. Um...I'm really not wowed by the support-on-time/lawnmowing items. Affair or no affair. You're supposed to pay your support on time. It's the law, and you owe it to the kid. Bottom line, xw may have done you dirty, but you're not romantically linked anymore; you're parents. Don't do things that freak your daughter's mom out unnecessarily, and understand that it's reasonable for her to worry about dd's welfare with gf. Have you considered the possibility that she's glad you've found someone and are moving on? And that her freakout is actually about a stranger suddenly appearing in her daughter's life (as far as she knows), not you? The fact that you think your gf is wonderful is really no reason for xw to think she's wonderful; after all, it's you in love with gf, not xw. You know, I've got more info on nanny applicants than your xw has on your gf. Academic background, certifications, references, resume, some conversation, some idea of their personal plans. I didn't ask for it; they submit it as standard. There's some understanding there that it's a serious thing to leave your child with someone you really don't know and isn't accredited with some state agency. Add to that the reasonable fear that dd will get attached and gf will leave -- reasonable because it's a common thing -- and maybe you can begin to understand why xw's reaction isn't necessarily some control-the-exhusband escapade.

 

[tofumama]

I am not a single parent. However, I hope you don't mind if I give my .02....
Not knowing you personally, it is hard for anyone to give an honest opinion. That being said, I do think that dads who are fantastic still get the sh*t end of the stick in divorce-with-kids situations, as often times the *law* goes with the mother. That aside, I think your ex has every right to meet your gf. Call/email her? Um, no. I would not give out your gf's number without her permission. If your ex wants to sit down and chat then why not ask if sometime when you pick up dd, could she and the gf have a cup of coffee while you play in the yard with dd? She doen't need to interrogate your gf for hours on end and stalk her to find out what kind of person she is. Mama instinct, you know. Besides which, she did marry/stay with you for 13 yrs. as you said and she must have at some point trusted and valued what you thought/said/felt and shoukd know you would not bring someone into the picture that would be a danger to your dd. The whole 'hit my child' thing is sort of rediculous. I mean if *you* don't believe in spanking, why would you allow someone else spank your child?

So, the long answer to your question(s) is yes, to some degree I believe she is being irrational. SOunds to me like she has some anger issues and is projecting them onto your gf. Maybe she is jealous. Maybe she sees how happy you are and wishes she could have that with you or her current SO.
I hope this works out in a good way for you...

 

[ExuberantDaffodil]

Yeah, I didn't get from DaddyOh's post that he was unwilling to have the exw and gf meet. In fact, he said,

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaddyOh Ok, I understand the concern on XW's part. If you comment on this thread we'll just assume that any rational person would have a concern about who their child will be around.

It also seemed like the gf tried to be very accomodaing and polite, showing some empathy with the "I'm a mother too" statement. Personally, if I were dating someone and his x said she knew where I worked and what kind of schedule I had, and I didn't give out that information, I'd be a little freaked out.

I think the issue the OP brought up wasn't "I don't want ExW and gf to meet" but "Woa now, X is being a little over the top."

tofumama - I totally agree with everything you said.

 

[DaddyOh]

Just to clarify a point everyone seems to be commenting on...

I have zero problem with XW meeting and getting to know GF.

or

I don't think it's irrational for XW to want to meet or get to know GF.

or

I am 110% in favor of XW meeting and getting to know GF.

My question to this group is related to XW's behavior. Do you think she's being irrational. I didn't want to post a novel so I didn't include the entire scenario so here's the conversation XW and I had yesterday when I returned DD.
Me: Hey Curtis, how's it going (Curtis is XW's SO). Um, Susan, I'd like to take DD to school tomorrow. Would that be ok?"

XW: Thanks for letting me finally put a face with a name. That was a very short meeting. I told her you'd give her my phone # and I want her to call me. Will you give her my phone #? I mean, I think that's the least you could do."

Me: Uhh, ok. Do you mind if I take DD to school tomorrow?

XW: We'll see. I want her phone #.

Me: I'm not giving you her phone #.

XW: Why not!? She's gonna have mine! Why won't you give me her phone #!?

Me: Because it's her #. I'm not giving someone else's # out.

XW: Well I know she's got plenty of time to talk because I found out she doesn't have to be back in class until the 17th.

Me: You've researched her schedule? Anyway, I'm not giving her # out. Can I take DD to school in the morning? I can be here about 8 or 8:15.

XW: Yes, you can take her to school. 8:15 or 8:20 would be better. That's just not right! I don't understand why you won't give me her #. Calling her is a lot better than surprising her at work or home!

Me: You know where she lives too? Listen, I let you meet her today and you shouldn't worry. She's only met DD 3 times for about 15 minutes each time. We've decided to introduce her very slowly, unlike you and Curtis who cook and eat together with DD and go school shopping with her. I don't have time for this.

Me: (To DD) Bye Princess. See you in the morning.

Say what you will ladies but I care deeply for GF and I'm not eager to give her personal information out.

I'm a good dad and there's not one single person that knows me that will testify that I'm anything but an involved and responsible dad.

I worked up to 4 jobs at one time so she could be a stay at home mom and she was having an affair while I was at work (with a good friend and mentor). Even then I offered more than the state requirment for child support, volunteered alimony, volunteered to pay her life insurance premiums (I am not her beneficiary), volunteered to pay 1/2 of DD's tuituion, volunteered to fix her plumbing when she had some trouble, voluntarily gave her a nice freezer, and regularly volunteer to give her money for gas.

I've proven myself to be rational, responsible, and caring. I deserve a little grace when it comes to the kind of person I chose to be a GF. I haven't even hinted that I would be anything but giving to my XW.

The issue here is not whether I think GF and XW should meet. The issue is whether or not XW is being irrational in her demand for a phone # and the fact that she has researched GF's schedule and her blatant assertion that she would pay her a visit if I didn't comply.

 

[Jilian]

You do not have to prove yourself to us. Any dad that is involved in his child's life emotionally and financially is a good dad in my book, and you've showed how much you care for your child.

Yes, I think your wife is being irrational by asking for your GF's phone number. Especially since she was kind of snarky with your GF at their first meeting. If I was your GF I would not want your exW to have my number. It is not right for your ex to be looking up this girl's schedule and eluding to the fact that she will show up at her work or home. BUT I can't say I haven't googled my ex's new GF either

: A criminal record came up when I did and I'm happy I found out what I did about her.

It sounds like maybe your ex is a little jealous and she's getting a taste of her own medicine. Honestly, when my ex got his first real GF after we seperated I felt a little jealousy. Not because I wanted to be with him, just because someone else was with him and spending time with our son. Give it a little time, but in the meantime hold your ground. Your GF should not have to give out her personal info if she does not want to.

 

[mama40]

DaddyOh, I don't think the issue is who you're choosing for your gf. That part's your business completely. The issue is who you're introducing to your exw's daughter as a mother figure, potential stepmom, or heartbreak. Not that exw has any control over who that will be, so long as, you know, you're picking a reasonably sane/stable person as a gf; but exw does deserve to know what major things are happening in her daughter's life, and who the major figures are.

Look, I know my own stbx is out shopping, and that the odds are good that he'll land a real loony. Nothing I can do about that. But I do want to know who she is, and I think it's appropriate to hear from stbx, rather than dd, when the eventual meeting happens. I want to have some idea of what kind of values, habits, discipline, self-regard, etc. dd's learning from the new woman. Not so I can try to change that (I couldn't, anyway), but so I'll know if there's a conflict coming up or, if I think there's a real problem, what to try to mitigate at home. I also want to see if there really is a danger, which I think is very unlikely, but when it comes to my daughter I want to see the situation with my own eyes, thanks.

You might call it parenting communication.

Was your exw over the top in how she framed her reaction? Yeah, it sounds to me that way. But keep in mind you went and walked into a mama bear's cave. You brought a potential threat to her daughter. Yes, I know you think gf is wonderful, and shouldn't ever be perceived as a threat, but really, I do think it's unreasonable of you to expect your exw to simply accept on trust that she's great, esp. since you're biased by early-stage love. I mean it doesn't matter what kind of a prince you were as a husband. People are capable of amazing lapses of judgment when it comes to love. So, while I wouldn't condone the freak-out, I'd say give her some time to calm down and approach things more reasonably. Which will be facilitated by your understanding that you poked her in the figurative balls. Doesn't matter that she screwed you in the affair. That's done, this is the parenting that's happening now. Ain't fair, but that's life.

I know you may be feeling that you were upright and the good guy the whole way through, and that you should be left alone now to live your life, but the reality is dd's mother will still reasonably want to aggressively shield her daughter from danger. And your gf is, to her, still an unknown quantity in dd's life.

I think there should be some pretty good limits on how far exw sniffs out gf, and unless there's some major dispute, she's going to have to simply suck up some gf habits she doesn't like. And back off, and let you guys live your romance. But let her calm down a little first. And don't have these conversations in front of dd anymore.

 

[lilyka]

I am not a single mother (although thanks to an affair that possiblity looms . . . ) so take this for what it is worth.

I am sure it is hard for your wife. regardless of how wrong she was. or how freaky she is being about it. I am sure i would be that kid of freak and I agree with your assesment that she is trying to gain some kind of control here. I don't think you owe her anything more than you feel like giing her in this situation though. It was very kind of you to introduce your girlfriend and I htink your girlfriend was VERY gracious. (kudos for he, don't knmow that I would have handled myself so well under that kind of attack.). Perhaps your girlfriend wouldn't mind chatting with your ex-wife to reassure her. who knows. Why not give your girlfriend ex's number and tell ex wife that she will call her if she feels like talking. of course no presure on girlfriend to call. only if she feels like it.

 

[Jaydens_mom]

If my sons father was a part of his life and had a gf i would tell him SPECIFICALLY that she is not to hit my child or do anything I wouldn't do.
I however would not harass him for her number or go to her work, i would trust that he would listen to my requests and pick the best possible step mom for my son.

She IS being irrational, your GF doesn't have to prove anything to her.
Obviously if your DD is old enough to go to school she can talk, and the only thing your XW should be doing is telling your DD, if anything happens while at your fathers you tell me.

And leave it at that.

 

[DaddyOh]

Quote:

but exw does deserve to know what major things are happening in her daughter's life, and who the major figures are

This issue is not an issue. I really don't know how much clearer I can be regarding my complete agreement that XW should know things about GF or best friend, or new manager, or teacher, or Sunday School teacher, or neighbor... Heck, I even asked her to check out the place I am now living to make sure she was comfortable with DD spending time there. It's not an issue.

Quote:

Was your exw over the top in how she framed her reaction? Yeah, it sounds to me that way. But keep in mind you went and walked into a mama bear's cave.

You're telling me that I should disregard her irrationality b/c I was out shopping with GF and didn't put her out beside the road somewhere before I picked DD up? Remember from my first post that she called me and invited me to pick DD spontaneously. She even mentioned to me that her SO/my former friend was there.

She even asked if GF was with me and I said, "yes."

Quote:

you poked her in the figurative balls.

Huh? I respectfully disagree.

You know Mama40, I'm genuinely sorry for your trouble with your stbx. Really, I am. There are some incredibly sorry men out there that do horrible things. Men leave and propel good and decent mothers into poverty, refuse to be financially responsible, and miss scheduled appointments with their kids. I think single moms are the strongest, toughest, most resilient group of people on the planet.

However, I'm not one of those dads. Not even close. I loved my family and worked hard to provide for them. I payed my bills and have served God for most of my adult life. I have a good name in this community and enjoy the good feelings that accompany integrity and a good name.

I call my daughter every single day and every single night to say "goodnight." I don't just feed her fast food (I cook healthy meals) and she doesn't come to my house just to play. I am her father and my job/responsibility is to parent her. I am honored to serve her in that role.

I'm not your stbx or any other mama's that may read this with (understandably) a suspicious eye.

I deserve a little credit from my XW. I deserve a little trust. I deserve some understanding that I don't want to give another person's phone number out, especially to someone who has already been quasi-stalking her.

I realize that I won't get that credit or that trust from her. I also know that I couldn't get it from you if I even wanted it. That's ok.

I also realize that this is not a single parenting forum. I realize now that it is a single mother forum. I'm sorry I invaded your space.

I'll continue to merely lurk and read your success stories and thank God for women like you, wishing I were half as strong/smart/resourceful/optimistic/...

Thanks to everyone who gave an opinion.

 

[Jaydens_mom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaddyOh You're telling me that I should disregard her irrationality b/c I was out shopping with GF and didn't put her out beside the road somewhere before I picked DD up?

oh my. THAT brings back memories... my s/o was so worried about what his XG would say when i showed up with him to pick up the child that he'd leave me at Tim hortons untill he had the boy. This made me feel like i wasn't that important to him, and like he didn't trust me to be able to handle myself if she came at me.
Finally i convinced him that it was wrong to do so, and her and I met... she still hates me for reasons beyond my knowledge... but I think she understands i wouldn't ever hit her son.

 

[tofumama]

I hope I did not offend with my post. I agree, as I said, that *GOOD* dads get the sh*t end of the stick in these situations. (my dh is one of those *good* dads as well) I do think your xw is being unreasonable. You have clarified your post (repeatedly, thank you

) and I agree. You are doing nothing wrong, she needs to lighten up and allow you to raise your dd and *trust* that you will always do what is in her best interest. Like I said, sounds like xw has some issues she needs to deal with. Good luck to you.