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<p>Today was sentencing and he recieved 360 days of jail time but will only serve 12 as the rest is suspended. And will be put on probation for 3 years. The judge issued a no contact order except thru communicating on the phone for 3 years. I actually even requested peaceful contact but he didn't allow it.</p>
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<p>I'm not too happy with everything that has happend as a result of me going forward with this thru the police. It's frusterating and stressful. He also has to complete a batter's intervention program.</p>
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<p>We do not have counseling in our area for women who've been thru domestic violence. I found one place but cannot afford their services as it's $110 per session, thats completely unaffordable for me.</p>
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<p>His lawyer raised the question to the judge that if it's so bad why do I want contact or did I continue to see him?  nobody quite understands that and it's hard to explain. Obviously I just wanted the violence and abuse to stop, not the relationship.</p>
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<p>I feel like I'm doing better than a month ago, but I don't know that I'm processing what's happend. I continue to have nightmares still and feel jumpy. I know I have PTSD symptoms and it seems I have to deal with it all by mself because I cannot afford counseling. and overall this isn't what I wanted and I'm still very sad, that it has came to this.</p>
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<p><span><img alt="hug2.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug2.gif"> i'm sorry this has been such a difficult process, but i hope it will keep you and your kids safe.  i'm sorry there aren't any services available to you.  that's a shame.  there should at least be a support group.  (other than us!</span> <span><img alt="orngtongue.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif">)</span></p>
 

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<p>I'm sorry that you aren't able to get PTSD counseling services where you are.  Would you consider moving to an area where you could get the help you need?  </p>
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<p>And I know that you only wanted the abuse to end and not have the relationship end too.  But it is highly unlikely that he will ever stop abusing you, even after completing a batterers course.  Wasn't he ordered to do that before and he didn't?  I know you are hurting, sad, and confused.  But please find a way to get the help you need so that you can recover and get the kind of life you deserve.  </p>
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<div>His lawyer raised the question to the judge that if it's so bad why do I want contact or did I continue to see him?  nobody quite understands that and it's hard to explain. Obviously I just wanted the violence and abuse to stop, not the relationship.</div>
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<p>In his mind, his relationship with you was the violence and abuse.  Everything else was just part of the sickness meant to keep you around to endure his awful behavior.  The relationship you want with him hasn't existed for a long time mama.</p>
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<p>He used to abuse you over the phone before, why would you want to risk that continuing?  I don't mean for any of this to sound harsh, I offer it with much caring for you and your DC.  Please allow yourself to grieve and move on from this toxic relationship.  It may be the hardest thing you ever do, but it will be worth it in the end. <img alt="hug2.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug2.gif"></p>
 

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Discussion Starter #4
<p>Thanks Gen, I know your right about the emotional/verbal abuse over the phone. That has continued for a long time, especially when I was out west. I guess it's just part of me not wanting to completely let go. This time he does have to complete those classes for domestic violence, although I really doubt it will help. His reaction is doing what the court wants him to do, to get it over with. </p>
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<p>It seems if he cared even slightly, he'd be sorry for whats happend. Even if in the next angry moment he couldn't contain his reactions, he would at least be regretful for the violence. So far nothing. Not one apology. So since there is no sincerity I lost hope. It seems on the basic level of humankindness we hold responsablity for our actions and when we visibly hurt somebody, we feel bad. I am still grasping that he doesn't hold those basic values.</p>
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<p>actually we have several support groups available for domestic violence. I wanted something to help deal with the PTSD symptoms. I really struggle with it sometimes. I know how to find calm but still it continues to exist.</p>
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<p>I think overall I've held up incredibly well. I can't believe the stuff I've experienced within this relationship. Part of me really still questions going thru with all of this. But I still think I deserve to protect myself and my children from what was happening.</p>
 

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<p>I'm so sorry you're hurting.</p>
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<p>Even though you're specifically looking for a PTSD support group, could you go to the DV support groups and find one where the members are dealing with the PTSD? Sometimes groups have different emphasis on the various parts of DV. Maybe one in your area is a better fit for where you are currently?</p>
 

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<p>Val,  You have endured some intense stuff in this relationship and the fact that you recognize his lack of sincerity and basic human values is huge.  It's so hard to accept that about someone we love.  But sometimes love isn't enough for some people, and for our own sake it is best that we walk away.</p>
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<p>I know that my therapist often uses stuff from this book in her PTSD work with the sexual trauma group I attend.  I've even thought about purchasing a copy for myself.  Maybe it would be helpful for you to use until you get to a place where you are able to get the in person counseling you need?  And of course as you work through this, feel free to reach out to us here.  </p>
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<p><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325&tag=motheringhud-20&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FPTSD-Workbook-Effective-Techniques-Overcoming%2Fdp%2F1572242825" rel="norewrite" target="_blank">http://www.amazon.com/PTSD-Workbook-Effective-Techniques-Overcoming/dp/1572242825</a></p>
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<p>Of course as you work through this difficult time, feel free to reach out to us here.  Come here to vent, cry or ask for support.  We will be here for you cheering you on as we watch you heal.  </p>
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<p>And yes, you do deserve to protect yourself and your DC from what happened, and to especially not allow it to continue.  Many blessings to you and yours. <img alt="heartbeat.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/heartbeat.gif"></p>
 

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<img alt="hug.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif"> I encourage you to attend a group. I'd guess that everyone in mine has PTSD. Not that everyone uses that term but that living with abuse changes how we are. Everyone of us is triggered in a different way and responds to triggers differently. Some of us may never be able to sleep in the dark or without a phone on the bedside table. It's just so comforting to sit with people who understand.<br><br>
We are doing a 12 step program in my group now. I meant to post the steps two weeks ago. I'll do that soon so check back.
 

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<p>I agree, everyone I've ever met who was in DV groups has had PTSD.  One of my coping mechanisms is that I have a stool that folds flat laying up against the front door over night so that is someone does try to come in, it would fall and make a loud noise.  I also sleep with my cell phone within reach on my night stand.  </p>
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<p>But I've learned to answer my door, which some of you here may remember that I used to be VERY triggered when anyone would knock at my door and DD and I would freeze and not breathe until we heard them leaving. I'm still triggered when someone knocks unexpectedly, but I can at least answer it now.</p>
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<p>Don't mean to hijack, just wanted to support what DeerMother was suggesting. <img alt="heartbeat.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/heartbeat.gif"></p>
 

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I also think a DV group may be helpful. Even if you don't stick with it, other members of the group may be able to point out resources for counseling and such that you hadn't heard of before. I'm constantly finding out about new resources for various stuff in my area, sometimes you just have to run into the right people to find out about them. I'm also glad the court date is over. Hang in there.
 

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<p>I, too, was going to suggest visitng the DV support group anyway.  Im really not sure how they COULDNT touch on PTSD in any one session.  Trully. </p>
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<p><span><img alt="grouphug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="width:41px;height:25px;"></span></p>
 

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<p><span><img alt="hug2.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug2.gif" style="width:38px;height:16px;"></span> I understand what you mean when you say you just want the abuse to stop. I had felt that way too. I had to come to the realization that the behavior is so ingrained in someone's mind there is no way of seperating. That is how I was able to come to peace with ending the relationship. I know it's difficult because even you know it's for the best, you weren't ready mentally to move on yet. I hope you find some affordable resources in your area. Do you work? Have you tried using your or your ex's EAP program at work?</p>
 

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<p>I agree that the DV group will incorporate PTSD coping techniques into it's structure I'm sure, and if they don't I'd bet most group leaders would be open to a suggestions about how to address PTSD symptoms. I saw an intake specialist earlier this week so I can begin counseling and I talked to her about some of the PTSD problems I've been having with flashbacks and such. She made a few suggestions. One of them was to pick a sense and concentrate on it. Imagine smelling a rose, or look at something interesting in the room, or chew a piece of gum, and focus only on what your body is telling you about that sensory input. She also suggested finding a ritual of some type to engage in when things get bad, such as lighting a candle and sitting quietly for awhile and thinking that when I light the candle, I am going to feel safe. It might not work perfectly at first, but she said the trick of it is to retrain your brain to produce different feelings when presented with intentional input or "triggers" (like the candle).</p>
 

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Discussion Starter #13
<p>Thanks mama for the suggestions. I know how to find the calm during a trigger, it's just the point that it continues to happen. I guess maybe it 'll always be there or reside like residual affects, or maybe it lasts longer than a month of being gone. It's just going to take time and I think sometimes we want to rush our healing.</p>
 
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