[ZARAMAMA]

Hey mamas... I am planning on asking for a separation.. I know I have posted about this in a past, but I just want to make sure I have justification.. I'm going to have a lot of family members asking me why I am separating, esp being pregnant.. so I don't want to seam like.. well, I really don't know how to explain what I think I would seam like. So, here are the reasons I am leaving:

DH quit his job in March. I get that he was miserable and hated it, but he was only there for 3 months and it was his first steady job since we've been together. He used to make decent money, but his industry has been in a slump, and that was a completely different kind of job. He has been putting out applications and resumes a lot, but he is sooo picky, and thinks that people should hire him for $20 an hour, straight out of college and with no experience. I've tried to tell him he has to lower his standards, and find a decent job to support his family. At this point I wouldn't care if he was a garbage man (not that there is anything wrong with being a garbage man)... I need him to have a job!

I go to school full time, and work part time, and still come home and pick up the mess he and LO leave while I am away. I started going to school because he promised that he would support us while I try to further my education so that by the time our kids are school age I can get a good job myself. I have federal aid until the end of this year, and am going to at least finish out the year and take it from there after spring semester. I realize I will likely have to wait a few years to go back to school again.

Even without him having a steady job I (He has been working temp jobs occasionally), he has been spending our family money friviously... a few months ago he bought an $800 instrument, even though I protested. Then a few weeks ago he bough a gun for $300!!! We DON"T have the money for him to spend on whatever he wants! I NEVER go out and spend $800 on myself, for something I don't need! I do occasionally grab coffee or lunch with a girlfriend and that is the extent of spending money on myself. He knows that I disagreed with these purchases, and he doesn't have a job to support his spending habits. I told him I wanted the money to stay in savings in case of an emergency (like a car breaking down, which his car is broken now, and we don't have money to fix it). And we are going through foreclosure, and we need money in our savings to be able to move when we need to!

Finally, I feel like ever since we got married he has tried to change me, has become very judgmental and no longer tries to accept our differences. I have been pretty open minded about his hobbies (which are expensive and hazardous.. like rock climbing, scuba diving, snowboarding.. extreme sports stuff), and yet he gives me grief when I want to do something outside of the things he likes to do. Plus he tries to get me to be into the same things that he is, and won't accept that I am just not interested. I am feeling smothered and disrespected by this behavior, and no matter what I say he refuses to see what he is doing/how he is acting towards me. He has been pretty controlling, but not physically- just emotionally.

Anyway.. what do you mamas think? I plan to try counseling, but I am fed-up and frustrated that I am being so disrespected, and I think he really needs a wake up call. When I leave, I am not planning to take him back within a week. I have been planning this for a few weeks now, and slowly moving into a new place (a friend's). It is going to take counseling and re-dating to get me back- plus he HAS TO HAVE A JOB.

I feel like I deserve a lot better than what I am getting, and I need things to change dramatically in my life. I am fully confident that I can raise my children on my own if I have to.

If you've made it this far, thanks. I appreciate any input about our situation.

 

[zinemama]

It sounds as if you have come to a difficult but necessary decision and that by separating you will be doing the best you can for yourself and your child(ren).

As for justifying it, you don't have to. You know why you are leaving and although others may be surprised and may ask, you don't owe them more than, "This was a difficult decisions, made for reasons I'd like to keep private at this time."

Best of luck to you.

 

[lolar2]

Quote:

Originally Posted by zinemama As for justifying it, you don't have to. You know why you are leaving and although others may be surprised and may ask, you don't owe them more than, "This was a difficult decisions, made for reasons I'd like to keep private at this time."

:

 

[SuzyLee]

I think you are more than justified!

As far as telling people why... I would just say that it is private but that you are working on it in counseling and as soon as you have news to share, you will let them know.

 

[LionTigerBear]

If it were me, I wouldn't keep it private, at least not with closer friends and family-- I would tell people it was because he was being financially irresponsible, not prepared to support a family. That's plenty of a reason on its own. It's no bad reflection on you to have healthy boundaries and dignity, and it's not your place to keep such major faults secret for him.

I hope this serves as a wake up call for him and that you two can work it out in the end! Good luck!

 

[berry987]

It sounds like you've thought this through and have a plan that can help save your marriage if he is willing to work with you. I agree that unless you are VERY close to your family and feel they will understand/accept what you are saying, you might just want to say, "We are working on things, but for the integrity of our relationship I want to keep those issues private for now."

I know that I can't tell me mom things that my DH does that irritate me because she blows it out of proportion and never forgets. If you have someone like that in the family, allowing them to know the details may mean that even if your DH changes and you get back together, they may always see him as an incompetent husband. Just a thought.

 

[A&A]

 

[Surfacing]

 

[guestmama9916]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZARAMAMA DH quit his job in March. I get that he was miserable and hated it, but he was only there for 3 months and it was his first steady job since we've been together. He used to make decent money, but his industry has been in a slump, and that was a completely different kind of job. He has been putting out applications and resumes a lot, but he is sooo picky, and thinks that people should hire him for $20 an hour, straight out of college and with no experience. I've tried to tell him he has to lower his standards, and find a decent job to support his family. At this point I wouldn't care if he was a garbage man (not that there is anything wrong with being a garbage man)... I need him to have a job!

This is irresponsible behavior on his part.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZARAMAMA I go to school full time, and work part time, and still come home and pick up the mess he and LO leave while I am away. I started going to school because he promised that he would support us while I try to further my education so that by the time our kids are school age I can get a good job myself. I have federal aid until the end of this year, and am going to at least finish out the year and take it from there after spring semester. I realize I will likely have to wait a few years to go back to school again.

And this is too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZARAMAMA Even without him having a steady job I (He has been working temp jobs occasionally), he has been spending our family money friviously... a few months ago he bought an $800 instrument, even though I protested. Then a few weeks ago he bough a gun for $300!!! We DON"T have the money for him to spend on whatever he wants! I NEVER go out and spend $800 on myself, for something I don't need! I do occasionally grab coffee or lunch with a girlfriend and that is the extent of spending money on myself. He knows that I disagreed with these purchases, and he doesn't have a job to support his spending habits. I told him I wanted the money to stay in savings in case of an emergency (like a car breaking down, which his car is broken now, and we don't have money to fix it). And we are going through foreclosure, and we need money in our savings to be able to move when we need to!

Irresponsible yet again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZARAMAMA Finally, I feel like ever since we got married he has tried to change me, has become very judgmental and no longer tries to accept our differences. I have been pretty open minded about his hobbies (which are expensive and hazardous.. like rock climbing, scuba diving, snowboarding.. extreme sports stuff), and yet he gives me grief when I want to do something outside of the things he likes to do. Plus he tries to get me to be into the same things that he is, and won't accept that I am just not interested. I am feeling smothered and disrespected by this behavior, and no matter what I say he refuses to see what he is doing/how he is acting towards me. He has been pretty controlling, but not physically- just emotionally.

This sounds possibly emotionally abusive. I saw a great website linked in someone siggie recently that can help you figure out if his behavior is abusive or not: http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/ .

So if you feel compelled to discuss your reasons why with close friends/family members, you can say your h is extremely irresponsible and possibly emotionally abusive. Even if you don't explain it to anyone else, you will need to be able to explain it to yourself when you start to doubt. I was with an irresponsible man that was also very cruel to boot for 13 years. No fun. I wish I had left years earlier. You do deserve better and kudos to you for figuring this out sooner than I did. I've been going to a counselor on and off for almost 2 years now to work on myself. I think it would be beneficial for you to do so as well so you don't fall for another guy like this in the future. Its called codependency when you have one over responsible and one under responsible person in a relationship. Good luck!

 

[bl987ue]

He needs to grow up. OTOH, you certainly do not need to explain yourself to family or friends. Just do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

 

[Einen]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZARAMAMA When I leave, I am not planning to take him back within a week. I have been planning this for a few weeks now, and slowly moving into a new place (a friend's). It is going to take counseling and re-dating to get me back- plus he HAS TO HAVE A JOB.

What if he doesn't try to get you back?

 

[ZARAMAMA]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Einen What if he doesn't try to get you back?

Well, knowing him, he will. But, if not, then we will deal with it then.

 

[AllisonR]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZARAMAMA Well, knowing him, he will. But, if not, then we will deal with it then.

Not saying your man in particular, as I do not know him, but I may say that some men are not worth having back. I speak from experience. After getting rid of my dependency on a jacka**, and getting confident with a small job, I left a man who did not deserve me. No, I didn't make a million bucks right away (still don't), but I made enough to take care of what was necessary, and slowly over time I got more skills and better jobs.... Though jobs are not everything. I spent a lot of lonely years as well. But rather late, I found a kind, supportive, practical man, and we treat each other as we deserve to be treated, and we have two wonderful kids, who will benefit immensely from seeing their parents treat each other with respect.

I think you are in a really good place because you have not become dependent on him in an unhealthy way. Instead, you would like to give him the opportunity to get his Sh*t together, but if he doesn't, you are organized enough, skilled enough, mature enough and practical enough to realize you can provide for your DCs.

No matter how it turns out, today and tomorrow will end. Life is sometimes a roller coaster, and you can't get up a high hill unless you've been down the previous side.

 

[dayiscoming2006]

I probably would do the same thing if I were in your situation. You seem to have good reasons for a separation. I admire that you are going to do counseling and I hope that your husband will realize that he needs to make some changes. Best wishes.

 

[anjelika]

Your reasons are pretty sound. Good Luck - it's a rough situation but I wish you the best.

 

[plunky]

I think if you want a divorce that you don't need to justify your reasons to anyone. But since you asked.

This...

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZARAMAMA DH quit his job in March. I get that he was miserable and hated it, but he was only there for 3 months and it was his first steady job since we've been together. He used to make decent money, but his industry has been in a slump, and that was a completely different kind of job. He has been putting out applications and resumes a lot, but he is sooo picky, and thinks that people should hire him for $20 an hour, straight out of college and with no experience. I've tried to tell him he has to lower his standards, and find a decent job to support his family. At this point I wouldn't care if he was a garbage man (not that there is anything wrong with being a garbage man)... I need him to have a job! I go to school full time, and work part time, and still come home and pick up the mess he and LO leave while I am away. I started going to school because he promised that he would support us while I try to further my education so that by the time our kids are school age I can get a good job myself. I have federal aid until the end of this year, and am going to at least finish out the year and take it from there after spring semester. I realize I will likely have to wait a few years to go back to school again.

I find problematic. I don't agree with the many moms in this thread that your portrayal of this necessarily means this guy is irresponsible. That paints a pretty bleak picture for men: that while they try to put their wife through school, they must settle for work that they are unhappy doing. There are variations here in what could be going on. Maybe he's a bum. Maybe not. If he's used to being decently paid, it makes sense for him to want to get another job at the same scale. After some time, he would have to take something lesser, but reasonable people can disagree on how long that time is.

 

[phathui5]

If you're working part-time and going to school full-time and he's taking care of the little one, when is he supposed to work? Unless he is well paid, most of what he makes will be going to pay for childcare, transportation and work expenses.

 

[ZARAMAMA]

Quote:

Originally Posted by phathui5 If you're working part-time and going to school full-time and he's taking care of the little one, when is he supposed to work? Unless he is well paid, most of what he makes will be going to pay for childcare, transportation and work expenses.

I'm taking night classes, so in reality he should be able to watch DS after work with regular business hours. If not, I have several friends and family who love to watch him too. For work, I had childcare lined up, but if he is home, he's watching the kid... why pay someone else for watching DS for DH to sit at home anyway..?