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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi,
I am an ap/sahm mom to a girl 5 and a boy 2. My mother and her second husband do not support me in anyway when it comes to my parenting, they disagree about my extended breastfeeding, choice not to vaccinate, homeschool, no candy diet soda, no watching violence etc...., they are in their 60's but act like rebellious teenagers, my Mother has always had "mental" issues and I have been through alot with her in my life, I thought having children to share would create a better bond between all but it seems when it comes to my children they and my brother (whom I will not speak with as he wanted to use my daughters photo on a website as a poster child for his gf cancer foundation, my daughter does not have cancer and god hope she never will.) they thought her brown eyes looked innocent and inviting imagine this...anyway, I have been trying to ignore all this as these people are all the family my children have, my daugter always wants to go to her grandmas for reasons like she likes her dog, or grandma has soda, etc... my mother acts like a big kid when my daughter goes there instead of responsible adult, my son won't even go near my mother when she goes up to him, anyway, there is so much more to this I could go on forever I have a next to nothing relationship with my mother due to the hurtful things she has done to me, she has called me ridicolous in front her friends (because I asked her not go give my then three year old daughter a bag of hardcandies, when my brother sees her at my moms house he tells my daughter to say things like "she wants a belly ring and to smoke, get drunk and drive a harley when she gets older, also, my mother is overly physical with my dd, she says its affection, but she squeezes my daughters bottom cheeks together or rubs her bottom, tickles her chest, when she was a toddler she would pick her up by placing her hand between her crotch and bottom. I think I need to stop now, because I am going to a space that really hurts...but anyway can someone please help me try to make sense of what to do, my dh tells me to not dwell he is supportive and listens and does not want my kids there anymore, how to I avoid seeing them anymore....they will call eventually and ask if they can come and "get her". Thanks.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Hi,

I have but they don't care they just give me pokerface stares and the nonsense starts all over again, I have told my mom in the past that she shape up or else she can't see the children, she stays away fora couple of weeks then calls with a sad tone and starts acting nice for about a week,then like I said back to the old ways, I can avoid them from herein, but how do I explain to my daughter that grammy and pa are not around or that she can't go there anymore. I feel like I am taking away her grandparent/child relationship, she is unaware of all the evil doings, and I have been trying to rationalize it as so.
 

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hi i don t know what to tell the kids ..... i 'd prob. tell them like they (granma/pa ) don t follow the family rules ...... as far as the grandparent/child relation ship......... if SHE DID follow the rules she COULD have one....... it's all up to her
 

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This is going to sound harsh, and I am sorry for that.

Repeat after me: "No."

If you mother has shown you repeatedly that she is unwilling to respect you as a parent, then you are pretty much accurately predict that she will continue to disrespect you as a parent and you need to say very firmly "No. No you cannot take my daughter anywhere because you are not willing to respect that there are things I do not want my children exposed to."

That said, I totally understand that you want your kids to have a relationship with their grandparents. In the right conditions, that relationship can be a beautiful thing. However, these do not sound like the right conditions. I would not be bringing my children to her home, and I certainly would not ever let her take my kids on her own. I would probably permit short, very supervised visits in my home, and she would be told to leave the moment she said or did anything I felt was inappropriate. If she has a problem with that, well...that's her problem.

Your #1 responsibility is to your children.

I'm sorry you are having these issues. I hope it gets better for you.
 

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You are definitely in a tough spot. My mom isn't quite that bad. But she DOES act like a kid with my daughter, and not a responisble adult. She NEVER tells her no (dd is 2) and lets her do anything she wants to do. She gives her more candy than we allow (we will let her have 1 square off of an organic dark chocolate bar or 3-4 dark chocolate covered blueberries, and she loves it, but Ninna gives her waaaay too much). My mom won't even change her diaper because she doesn't want to upset her. I've left them at my house before to go run errands and have come back to dd wearing a poopy diaper for who knows how long! My mom just will not change her. It's maddening!! She sets no boundries for her at all. My dad, though is pretty good about things, except that he does let her eat and drink things that we don't allow. Like, he'll give her sips of his soda, lets her eat white bread, etc. My mom is not someone that I can just say "stop it or else" to, because she is very emotionally fragile. My dad is another story, I can tell him just exactly what I am thinking. Neither of them touch her inappropriately, but I don't consider bottom rubbing and chest tickling to be a bad thing. I pat my dd on her bottom and tickle her chest, as well as knees, ribs, neck, whatever makes her laugh. Of course, I don't know if the touching in your family is in a different context, or has a different background. In our family, it is completely innocent. My mom has always patted my bottom, still does, and it doesn't bother me. But like I said, it may not be the same type of situation.

Basically, my parents are very loving toward dd and do TRY to go by my rules, they just tend to slip up. It sounds like your mom and stepdad and brother may be a lot worse (my brother-in-law is actually pretty close to your brother, it sounds like, but he's never around, thank God) than my family is. If speaking your mind to them doesn't work, then I don't know what else to tell you. Keeping your kids away from them for their own good is not a bad thing. You are not robbing your kids of a relationship with their grandparents if the relationship is that bad and could be damaging to them. All in all, I'd say that the mental and physical health of your children is a priority over your mom and brother, and stepdad. They are all adults and can make their own decisions, your children need your protection.
 

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Welcome to MDC! You will probably be able to look in the appropriate forum and use the search tool to find someone with a thread that addresses each of your concerns.
I spend most of my time on about 2 forums here and whenever I have a question and need to go to another forum with a burning comment or question, usually it is already on the front page of that forum.

Good luck, I know family dynamics are so difficult most of the time
 

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Welcome to MDC.

I'm so sorry you are having difficulties with your parents - not easy. I think you've already been given some good advice, although this must remain a very difficult situation for you guys.

Hang in there...you sound like a great mom.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by lesley&grace View Post
This is going to sound harsh, and I am sorry for that.

Repeat after me: "No."

If you mother has shown you repeatedly that she is unwilling to respect you as a parent, then you are pretty much accurately predict that she will continue to disrespect you as a parent and you need to say very firmly "No. No you cannot take my daughter anywhere because you are not willing to respect that there are things I do not want my children exposed to."

That said, I totally understand that you want your kids to have a relationship with their grandparents. In the right conditions, that relationship can be a beautiful thing. However, these do not sound like the right conditions. I would not be bringing my children to her home, and I certainly would not ever let her take my kids on her own. I would probably permit short, very supervised visits in my home, and she would be told to leave the moment she said or did anything I felt was inappropriate. If she has a problem with that, well...that's her problem.

Your #1 responsibility is to your children.

I'm sorry you are having these issues. I hope it gets better for you.

: I was going to say the same thing.

to you.
 

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Welcome to MDC!


Sorry I really don't have any answers to your problem. But all I can suggest is to avoid them as much as possible for a little while if it is too much stress. Sometimes people can be talked to and explained the situation, and they understand and change; and other times, they just never hear what you have to say no matter how much you talk. I have some family that way. I have family that is the latter way, and I have found that just avoiding contact as much as possible is the best thing for me and my family at this time in our lives. Later, I will re-evaluate the situation.
 

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Sorry you will have to put your foot down. No unsupervised visits with the children until they agree to parent them as you would. No overt rule breaking, otherwise you'll spend a lot of time explaining why you are the "mean mommy" and why they can't live at grandma's who doesn't care what they eat or watch, etc, etc.

Welcome to MDc and good luck growing some backbone.
 

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IMO a grandparents like that isnt worth having in your childs life.

I had a grandma who everybody like but I didnt. Just the way she treated me and told me things behind my parents back and how she went against my parents made me feel uneasy with her. I wish my parents would have know how she treated me. She was sneaky and hid her treatment to me well.

Imo relationships with grandparents arent that important unless the grandparents are extra special.

as you figure this all out with your mom
 
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