[riaketty]

Dh and I have been married two years.

From the start, we've had different 'touch levels'. I love being touched, hugged, flirted with, etc... I'm a very physical person. DH is not. He's more of a loner.

Getting him interested in sex is a chore. I constantly feel like I have to pressure him to be interested in me at all. We don't cuddle unless I specifically ask for it, and I'm sick of asking. There's no flirtation. There's no teasing. We can go days without even a quick kiss.

However, on the flip side, we work extremely well together. We're really a team. Taking care of the kids, the house, finances, etc, is very smooth because we just make a great team.

I've had two years of 'supressing' my touch urge. I rarely try to engage him in anything physical because it's just so much work and rarely works anyway. I don't feel sexy anymore. I don't feel wanted. I don't feel attractive. I used to be constantly in contact with someone, be it boyfriend or just a good friend, and now I feel like I'm never touched.

If I get upset, I'm never held, which is just about all I want. Normally he just shrugs and says "I dunno" or rolls over in bed and leaves me alone.
It really hurts. And then a few nights ago, DH did something that just hurt so bad... I finally got him halfway interested in me, we did the deed, he finished and pulled away like he couldn't wait to get away from me. He was a little drunk, so I'm trying not to read too much into it, but it still hurt.

I feel like I've sacrificed a LOT for this man, but this is one of the biggest things. And despite what I've said he, here's NOT a bad man. He's wonderfully supportive, great with the kids, a great guy all-around. I love him more than anything and I can't imagine being with anyone else. It's just like we're missing that chemistry or that spark that makes things interesting physically.

But this is really taking a toll on me and I can see it being a problem for a long time.

Anyone BTDT? Any ideas?

 

[woodchick]

Have you read "The Five Love Languages" ? It sounds like you and he would benefit by reading it. The book focuses on how individuals have different ways that they show and receive love. Yours would be be "physical touch" and the book may help your DH understand that it is not just your whims that he's denying, but a true need to feel loved.

 

[BrooklynDoula]

I have not BTDT but I did not want to read and not offer you hugs and support. You have the right to be loved in the ways you need and to have love an affection flow both ways in your relationship. I don't know how you get from where you are to there but I hope others have great advice. I would be snotty and tell him I wanted to take a lover who would do these things but I know that is not actually a healthy way to approach a very serious issue.

Big

 

[nina_yyc]

I am definitely a touchy-er person than my DH but in our case it's improved over time and I think it's related to outside factors. If we spend enough time together the problem seems to disappear. But when our work and family takes over our relationship time we get into all sorts of communication problems and touch is an issue. For us what fixes things is a couple of dates or some family time where we work as a team. Schedule is a huge issue for us too - he doesn't feel romantic in the evening but looooves to DTD in the morning...and good luck with that when you cosleep. (One day, after we conceive #2, DD is going to do the math and realize we were sneaking around in the den while she was sound asleep alone on the queen size.)

I would suggest looking at your earlier relationship - there must have been some sort of chemistry at some point - and see if there's a way you can incorporate those elements into your life now.

 

[mamazee]

I'll throw this out here as one possibility. My dh went through a phase like this, and it turned out he had a bad appendix. He got his appendix out, got healthy again, and his libido returned. Anyway, lack of libido can have a physical cause so if he's willing maybe you could get him to have a good, thorough physical.

 

[mommy68]

Quote:

Originally Posted by woodchick Have you read "The Five Love Languages" ? It sounds like you and he would benefit by reading it.

great book

I have gone through similar times with my DH as well. We have been together for a little over 15 years now. We were both the types that weren't affectionate and then for a while I was more affectionate and wanted his attention and now he has grown to be more affectionate than I am at this point. We take it in spells actually.

I agree with reading the above book and talking to your DH. Have you told your DH how you feel? He can't know how you feel unless you talk to him. I had to talk to my DH about it and it started to slowly get better. He deals with loads of stress and I think he has a bit of depression (so have I) although he would never admit it. I'd say talk to him and let him know your feelings.

 

[2goingon2]

I lived like that for 20 years. I kept hoping my first husband would give me what I needed. We meshed well in every other area. Well, I finally gave up, found the man of my dreams and am happily married again. It turns out my first husband was gay. He confided in me two years ago. He said he suppressed it during our marriage. Explains a lot.

 

[Fuamami]

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2goingon2 I lived like that for 20 years. I kept hoping my first husband would give me what I needed. We meshed well in every other area. Well, I finally gave up, found the man of my dreams and am happily married again. It turns out my first husband was gay. He confided in me two years ago. He said he suppressed it during our marriage. Explains a lot.

This is kind of what I was wondering, too.

 

[Chinese Pistache]

Has he changed since you got married or was he physically distant while you were dating?

 

[Surfacing]

Someone else who gets it! Yes, I too really feel a need to be touched. A LOT. Dh and I used to touch TONS before we got married, and earlier in the marriage. Since kids have come along we touch far less. I still get footrubs most nights infront of the TV but I feel skin hungry on my back, etc. I need to feel him against me, even just hugging. There's not enough of that.

I really feel that having the kids is a big cause of that. He is an outstanding father, gives them 110%. But I feel like he has forgotten how to give his wife attention. I don't know.

Hugs to you.

I understand how hard it is to be hungry for touch and not getting it. I have a similar dilemma now with dh being an amazing father and so loyal to our little family. But I don't feel sexy to him anymore, etc. It SUCKS BIG TIME. And we have been in marriage counselling.

One thing I used to do when I had the time and money was to go to a registered massage therapist for a massage (cost reimbursed by my insurance co.) just to get touched. Pathetic, but needed.

Anyhow, good luck to you. I hope you find a solution to your issue. I agree that the book people mentioned here might be helpful.

 

[bluebirdiemama]

my dh and I have been together for 5 + years and... most of it has been what you are describing. Partly because I was emotionally abused and sexually taken advantage of in my relationship befor ehim, part of it is because I am his first relationship longer than 5 months, he's very sensitive and I guess I scared him. But... it's so tiring and I havent tried anything sexual in so long. Although he gives a lot more hugs these days

Im going to read that book, and watch this thread for ideas

 

[angelandmisha]

I'm glad I'm not alone! The funny thing is, we both want more physical interaction but we don't do anything different. I'm used to being very physical in my past relationships and this one is so different. We've been together almost six years and it's sort of always been this way- at first he wanted to wait until we were married, I didn't want to and was generally unfamiliar with the idea that anybody actually waited anymore. But I respected his wishes(which varied intermittently) and it seems like we just got in a habit of talking to each other all the time instead of being touchy/kissy. Now we both want more touchy/kissy but seem to not know how to get there. Like you bluebirdmama, my dh hasn't been in any relationships longer than a few months, is also very sensitive and my last one was especially painful and mainly physical. I'm sure none of that helps any. My dh has complained that it is a need not being met and I've said I feel the same way, but nothing changes. I am trying to make a conscious effort to touch him more and I've been reading some books on the subject- Mating in Captivity and Sheet Music, but neither has really given me any ideas. The thing is, I feel like there's a lot of chemistry there it just isn't coming out for some reason. Very frustrating!

I hope some other people have ideas! It certainly hasn't gotten any easier now that we have a child! We love each other very much, are super compatible and can't imagine being married to anyone else, but would both like to see more in this area- it's the only thing less than great about our marriage. Sometimes I wonder if we're afraid of messing it up somehow- ykwim? Like this is so good, if we get more physical it might mess it up? Stupid, would likely just make it better. I don't know, I'd love a change in this area.

 

[neveryoumindthere]

\i feel so bad bt what the OP described is exactly how it is here, except \i'm the one who is NOT touchy at all and not affectionate..though i am to my kids

s:

i need to read teh love languages book but i just can't see 'forcing' myself to be affectionate/kiss/hug etc when i don't *feel* it..i feel so bad for dh cuz touch/affection is totally his love language..

 

[crazyeight]

not quite BTDT...more in that trying to fix it. about 70% off our marriage (decish 04 to about jan 08...we've been married oct 04 to now) has been pretty "standoffish". around jan my mom and sister were here for about 6 months off/on (no help before hand at all) which relieved at least a little bit of time for us to be people instead of parents 24/7. in may i told dh i wanted more which was also connected to a very serious possibly lose me situation type talk. dh started changing...ramping up touching, loving, kissing and the deed. however things aren't peachy. the talk that we had will fundamentally change our relationship and although he's put in effort i realize there are things that i *NEED* as well. they are things that dh can't provide so we are still in the throws of working out our relationship which is somehow still hinged on sex even though it hasn't been a huge part of our marriage until this year!

 

[Vancouver Mommy]

I have to be brief, as my kids are on the verge of madness right now. My dh and fell madly, head over heals in love with one another. During the "courtship" we were very affectionate with eath other all the time and very passionate. They physical side was great. We began living together after six months and as the realities of day to day life began to interfere with physical expressions of intimacy. It's been nearly six years and I've felt for most of that time that I was not getitng as much in the way of physical intimacy as I would have liked. It's been a struggle for us. I know that he loves me very much and I'm certain that he is not gay. But every few months or so I bring it up with him. I've let him know that I cannot see myself living a life without physical affection, touching and frequent sex. DH had a difficult childhood, and as a result has some serious issues with regard to trust and intimacy. He has recently started seeing a counsellor who specializes in sex and relationship issues for men. He is very motivated to work wiht this therapist for as long as it takes to be able to "let the walls down" to become close, loving and physical again. He is painfully aware of the reasons he feels this way and is very self-conscious sad about it.

 

[Roxswood]

Quote:

Originally Posted by neveryoumindthere \i feel so bad bt what the OP described is exactly how it is here, except \i'm the one who is NOT touchy at all and not affectionate..though i am to my kids s: i need to read teh love languages book but i just can't see 'forcing' myself to be affectionate/kiss/hug etc when i don't *feel* it..i feel so bad for dh cuz touch/affection is totally his love language..

Imagine you're in a time when physical affection to your children isn't coming easily anymore and yet you know they still need it, what do you do? I would work hard on finding situations or ways where you're less averse to touching than others and push yourself to do it. Its horrible having a strong need that goes unmet and your DH is just as dependent on your for this need as your children are unless you have an agreement that you can go outside the marriage for stuff.

 

[Om Girl]

This is the opposite of my DH and I. He's the "touch" love language and I'm the "loner". I give affection to my kids and by the end of the day I feel totally "touched" out. DH has also given up "asking for affection". We discuss it on a regular basis so that helps to open the communication lines. He understands that it's nothing that he has done, but still sometimes feels rejected.

mama, it's a difficult situation to be in. Before DC I was very affectionate with DH. Hopefully you'll be able to work something out.